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Some Funny Quotes

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
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                       - Annie Hall
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"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
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                       - Woody Allen
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"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
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                       - Brooke Shields
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"I would learn to get patience but it takes too long."
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                       - Cathy Dean
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"If you fall for it, you deserve it."
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                       - anonymous
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"I went streaking, got arrested, and was release for insufficient evidence."
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                       - Richard Dawson
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"If you can't flush it, use a shovel."
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                       - Luke Spencer
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I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together."
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                       - Red Green
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"If the women don't fine you handsome, they should atleast find you handy."
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                       - Red Green
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"I've always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it."
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                       - Dave Johnson
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"Life sucks, deal with it."
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                       - Tim Johnosn
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"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it people like me."
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                       - Stuart Smalley
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"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
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                       - Woody Allen
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"I don't care if you play chinese checkers!"
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                       - Mr. Lawrence
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"People in hell, where do they tell people to go?"
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                       - Red Skelton
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"I did not have sexual relations with that woman...Ms. Lewinsky."
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                       - Bill Clinton
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"Woman are like parking spaces: All the good ones are taken and all that's left are the handicapped."
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                       - unknown
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"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio and the other guy took the engine."
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                       - David Letterman
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"Due to the fact that Monday comes on Tuesday this Wednesday, our regular Thursday meeting will be held on Friday this Saturday because Sunday is a holiday."
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                       - Red Skelton
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"I get plenty of excercise carrying the coffins of my friends who excersice."
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                       - Red Skelton
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"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you."
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                       - Tommy Smothers
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"Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it's fantastic..."
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                       - Woody Allen 
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"Weather forcast for tonight: dark."
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                       - George Carlin
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"The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that no one has bothered to make contact with us."
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                       - unknown
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"Duct tape is like the force: it has a dark side and a light and it holds the universe together."
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                       - Roman Sturgis
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"Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it...that's everything."
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                       - anonymous
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"No problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else."
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                       - anonymous
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"The more I meet new people, the more I like my dog."
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                       - anonymous
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"640 K ought to be enough for anybody."

                       - Bill Gates in 1981

"I'm not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Democrate!"
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                       - Will Rogers 
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"See the happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I were a moron,
My God! Perhaps I am."
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                       - anonymous
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"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
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                       - Groucho Marx 
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"All my life I've wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more specific."
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                       - Lily Tomlin 
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"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs or cutting hair."
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                       - George Burns
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"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaing?"
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                       - George Wallace 
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"Good students don't 'cheat'--they verify."
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                       - unknown 
```
"Sex is only dirty when it's done right."
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                       - Woody Allen 
```
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature."
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                       - Steven Wright
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"There is no time like the present for postponing what ought to be done now."
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                       - unknown
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"I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately this wasn't it."
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                       - Groucho Marx
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"You know it is going to be a bad day when you wake up and discover that your water bed sprang a leak and the realize that you don't have a waterbed."
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                       - unknown
```
Sex is hereditary: If your parents don't do it neither will you."
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                       - anonymous
```

"Life's short. Make fun of it."

                       - Citybank T-Shirt

"Letter G, letter G."
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                       - Mr. Lawrence
```

"People piss me off."

                       - Bobby Van Sickle

"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh because, what is that thing?!"
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                       - Deep Thought Jack Handy
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"An honest politician is one who, when bought, will stay bought."
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                       - Simon Cameron
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"The problem with political jokes is they get elected."
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                       - Henry Cote
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"The world won't end today...it's already tomorrow in Australia."
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                       - Danielle Calaway
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"What do you mean my birth certificate has EXPIRED."
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                       - unknown
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"Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker."
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                       - unknown
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"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure..."
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                       - anonymous
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"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."
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                       - Gallagher
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"I feel your pain."
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                       - Bill Clinton
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"Why do they sterlize the needles for lethal injections?"
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                       - anonymous
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"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentece."
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                       - anonymous
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"Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
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                       - anonymous
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"Marriage is the cheif cause of divorce."
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                       - Groucho Marx
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"Yes, I did smoke marijuana, but I did not inhale."
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                       - Bill Clinton
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"It isn't pollutions that's harming the enviroment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
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                       - Dan Quayle
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"Help control the pet population--have your pets spayed or neutered."
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                       - Bob Barker
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"I really don't know why I have won this. As far as I can tell, every actor in this town thinks what I do on '3rd Rock From the Sun' is completly disgraceful...I'm embarassed myself."
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                       - John Lithgow "98 Emmys"
```

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