(In the town of Centervilleville, the PPV Squad gears up for another PPV. All is going normally until Cheesecake pulls out a pair of handcuffs.)
Croooooow: D'haaaa! What the hell are you doing!?
Cheesecake: Relax, these aren't for you. They're for me.
Croooooow: Oh, well… that's all right then.
Nykk: Dare we ask what you're planning to do with them, or do we even want to know?
Cheesecake: Simple. I handcuff myself to something in this room and that way, I can't go anywhere for an episode and can I stay to watch the PPV.
Cynric: Brilliant! We should all do it. You have any rope or anything?
Cheesecake: Do I… (he picks up a backpack and unzips it. Inside is about one hundred feet worth of rope.)
Nykk: Well, don't just sit there! Tie me up!
(A few moments later, a toilet flushes, and Huh walks in on the rest of the PPV Squad, who are busily tying each other to the leg of the couch.)
Huh: You guys wanna finish up quick, or should I come back later?
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
(The space for Y2Jay's line is greeted by silence.)
Nykk: Where the hell's Jay?
Cheesecake: I guess he had to work again. If he were here, maybe he could shut Nathan up.
Cynric: (to Huh) We're tying each other to the couch so nothing happens and we don't miss the PPV. Are you in or not?
Huh: Sure!
(They finally succeed in tying each other to the couch. They finally turn to stare at the TV.)
Cynric: This isn't the PPV. What's Cover Me?
Croooooow: It's still on USA. We need to switch channels.
Cheesecake: Well, where's the remote?
(They look around and see it resting atop the TV, a mere six feet away.)
Nykk: Aw crap!
Huh: How are we going to get the remote?
Cynric: Maybe we can kick it off with our feet. Who's the tallest?
Cheesecake: I am. (he stretches himself, but is not able to reach the TV.)
Croooooow: Hmm… (an ordinary-looking guy with a shaved head and glasses walks in the room.)
Cynric: Dingo! Could you get the remote?
Cheesecake: Who's that?
Croooooow: Allow me to explain. (The room darkens and everyone except Croooooow disappears. He stands up.) Dingo a.k.a. Clancy is a friend of Mark's and… er… that's all, really. Thank you for listening. We now return you to your regularly scheduled episode. (He sits back down in the exact position he was in before, and the room and people fade back in.)
Dingo: Sure. (picks up the remote) Why are you guys tied to the couch?
Cynric: Never mind that. Just change it to the PPV!
(Before anyone can move, the windows shatter and the Dudley Boyz come flying into the room.)
Buh-Buh Ray: D-VON! (shoves D-von)
D-von: WHAT?
Buh-Buh Ray: GET THE CABLE! (they pick up the television set and carry it out of the room.)
Nykk: I guess we set ourselves up nicely for that one.
(A helicopter lands in Croooooow's side yard. Vince McMahon gets out and walks into the house.)
Vince: PPV Squad?
Huh: That's us!
Vince: I realize I vowed never in any shape or form, in this universe and any other alternate dimension, under any circumstances ever, even remotely consider hiring you for anything again. However, I figure if I hire you for this and you die, well, I won't have to worry about that anymore.
Croooooow: Well, we'd love to help you Vince, but we're tied to the couch, so you might as well bring that TV back in here and…
Vince: No problem. Mr. Schneblab… Schnizzle… whoever you are.
(The Hardcore Hamster walks into the room.)
Hamster: Just call me Dusty.
Vince: Get them out of those ropes!
Hamster: Yes sir. (under his breath) I oughta smack 'im. (produces a huge can of his magic fuel and squirts it all over the PPV Squad. He then produces his Zippo lighter.)
Huh: Oh shit…
(He lights it and throws it at them. A big blaze consumes the room and when it returns to normal, the ropes have been burned away, and the PPV Squad is covered in black soot.)
Vince: Now, gentlemen, let's go!
(They all walk out into the front yard.)
Vince: You may have noticed a lack of "oomph" in Tazz's push recently. We've had him jobbing to announcers for crying out loud!
(He points to the front yard where 128 Tazzes are running around, playing tag football, volleyball, and generally having a good time. Every now and then, several fights break out.)
Vince: Each week it's a different Tazz. We need your help to find the original Tazz.
Huh: (from across the yard) Found him!
Vince: You found him? The original Tazz?
Huh: Nope. (points to a man in a red and white striped shirt and glasses.)
Waldo: Curses! Foiled again! (runs away)
Vince: Anyway, my theory is that Tazz was sent to the Realm of Dropped Gimmicks by his clones.
Croooooow: What's the Realm of Dropped Gimmicks?
Vince: It's where the wrestler's old gimmicks go when their wrestler abandons them. It's a very dangerous place and only a fool would think of going in there alone. Incidentally, we only need one volunteer to actually go in.
Cheesecake: I nominate Nykk!
Cynric: Yeah, send Nykk!
Nykk: Why do I have to go?
Croooooow: You're our fearless leader, aren't you?
Nykk: Well… NO! I am VERY afraid of many things!
Vince: Very well, Nykk, you'll go. The rest of you will have to stay here and guard the Tazzes.
Croooooow: Well?
Vince: Well what?
Croooooow: What's in it for us if he finds Tazz?
Vince: Well… uh… I guess… I'll have to… reinstate you to the WWF.
PPV Squad: SWEET!
Nykk: So exactly how do I get to this… Realm of Dropped Gimmicks?
Vince: We just force feed you LSD and let you wander around the back yard for a while.
Nykk: All right… give it to me.
(The Dudleys hold him down while Vince stuffs LSD in Nykk's mouth. Nykk chews and swallows, going into convulsions.)
Nykk: Whoa… dude.
Vince: OK, guys, throw him in the back yard.
(The Dudleys take Nykk away.)
Huh: So what do we do while we wait for Nykk to come back?
Cheesecake: Form our own boy band?
(They all shrug as N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" starts up.)
Croooooow: Where the hell's that music coming from?
(The PPV Squad starts dancing. The Tazzes see their opportunity, and covering themselves in black soot from the burnt room, sneak past the PPV Squad in a single file line.)
Elsewhere…
(Nykk is in a place with many very pretty colors. He sees a door, which he moves toward. As he turns the knob, the door turns into a mouth of a gigantic beast, which swallows Nykk whole. He arrives in an office of some kind, with a desk, a closet, a clock on the wall, and two chairs, one behind the desk and one in front of the desk. Nykk sits in the one in front of the desk.)
Nykk: Where am I?
(A door opens and a man with slick, black hair, glasses, and a dress shirt and a tie walks in.)
Nykk: I can't believe it… Irwin R. Schyster!?
Irwin: That's I.R.S. to you. Sit down!
Nykk: I am sitting down.
Irwin: Well, then stand up!
(Nykk stands up.)
Irwin: Sit down!
(Nykk sits down.)
Irwin: We're here to discuss your taxes, Nykk.
Nykk: My taxes? I don't make all that much per year, I don't see how…
Irwin: Shut up! You're a tax cheat, and I intend to prove it! Let's see your W40 form.
Nykk: WD40? I just used some of that on my Camaro the other day…
Irwin: So that's it! You wrote off your car as a business expense, didn't you?
Nykk: Wha?
Irwin: $128 worth of taxes you haven't paid.
Nykk: Oh, I see. Taxes sounds like Tazzes. You're trying to distract me.
(The closet door opens and Cheesecake emerges.)
Cheesecake: (lisping) Somebody want some… Cheesecake!? (lifts up his pant leg)
Irwin: (turns around) You… (stands up)
(Cheesecake grabs him by the balls and swings him into the wall, which squishes like Jell-O. I.R.S. is sucked in and encased in the wall.)
Nykk: Art! I thought you had to guard the Tazzes.
Cheesecake: Relax, Nykk, I'm not real. I'm just a figment of your LSD-induced imagination. We're all here!
(Cynric, Croooooow, Huh, and Y2Jay walk into the room.)
Nykk: All right! Now we're ready to kick some early '90s WWF butt!
(Suddenly, the office splinters and cracks and breaks away. They are now standing on a beach where a giant ship is in the process of landing.)
Nykk: Now what?
(A rope ladder drops and a man in a brown tunic, furry boots, and a Viking helmet climbs down.)
Berzerker: Huss! Huss!
Cheesecake: Well, this brings back many role-playing memories!
Cynric: We should probably find out what he wants.
(They walk up to him.)
Croooooow: Um… Mr. Berzerker?
Berzerker: Huss! Huss!
Croooooow: (holds his nose) Jesus, his breath stinks!
Y2Jay: Maybe you can help us. We're looking for a short guy from Brooklyn…
Berzerker: I only help one whose breath stinks worse than me!
Croooooow: Paging Dr. Crosby…
Huh: Huh?
Berzerker: (roars with laughter) You think he outstink me?
(Huh walks up, belches right in Berzerker's face, and knocks him flat.)
Berzerker: By Thor, you have bad breath. One you looking for across sea. I take you there. (He climbs back up to his ship and the rest of the PPV Squad follows.)
(They set sail and were soon over an ocean with orange water. Several pterodactyls in the distance spot the ship and shriek with rage.)
Huh: Uh oh…
Y2Jay: This could suck.
(The pterodactyls swoop toward the ship, ripping through sails and taking out the mast. The onslaught soon reduces the ship to nothing more than a floating barge.)
Cynric: I wonder how he's going to fix this…
Berzerker: Any you got screwdriver?
Cheesecake: (points to his crotch) I've got your screwdriver in my pants, heh heh heh…
(They all look at him.)
Cheesecake: No, seriously, it's in my pocket. (he reaches into his right pocket and draws out a flat-head screwdriver.)
Berzerker: Thanks be to Odin! (he grabs the screwdriver and runs around the ship, which rebuilds it as he touches it with the screwdriver.)
(Soon enough, they land on a desert beach. The water and pterodactyls disappear. They are now standing in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. Everyone gets off the ship.)
Nykk: Now where to?
(Meanwhile, the Repo Man sneaks up on the ship from behind and fastens his hook around the keel. With nothing more than a snicker, he drags the ship away.)
Berzerker: My ship! Huss! Huss! (he runs after the Repo Man)
(Suddenly, the scenery rips apart, and the PPV Squad are standing in the middle of the bridge of a star ship. They can see outer space out of the windows, and the ship they are on is viciously engaged in a war of laser cannons with another ship.)
Cynric: Where are we now?
Nykk: Is that Max Moon?
(A guy in a bright blue bodysuit and helmet with long, black hair sticking out the back gets up from the captain's seat.)
Max Moon: Welcome, earthlings! I am Captain Max Moon, but the good people call me the Comet Kid!
Croooooow: Which one, Konnan or Paul Diamond?
Max: I am the Paul Diamond version. I am battling the Konnan version. Will you help me?
Huh: Will you help us find Tazz?
Max: Sure. Now watch the ship while I get lunch.
Nykk: But we don't know anything about…
Max: Max hungry! (walks away)
(Nykk sighs. A giant screen comes on and Konnan stares at the PPV Squad wearing his Max Moon mask.)
Konnan: Yo, yo, yo, let me speak on this. Orale! Arriba la rasa!
Cynric: Wrong gimmick, doofus.
Konnan: Yo, yo, yo, we demand your unconditional surrender, mang. Though the Paul Diamond ship may be 4 life mi Konnan ship is 4 EVA!
Crew member: What should we do?
Huh: Kick his ass!
(Y2Jay slaps him for being uncreative. Meanwhile, Max is searching for food. He presses a button and a hatch opens.)
Max: Maybe there's food in here… (crawls in)
(Back at the bridge…)
Crew person: We need a decision now!
Croooooow: Fire photon torpedoes!
(The crew member presses a button and suddenly Max Moon flies out of the torpedo hatch to smack against the bridge window of the other ship.)
Konnan's crew member: Sir! They fired an officer at us!
Konnan: They fire on us, we respond in kind, mang! (they grab his shoulders) Not me, a torpedo!
Y2Jay: Well there's your Simpson's ripoff for this episode, Nick.
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(The scenery suddenly darkens, and when it's light again, the PPV Squad is standing in a karaoke bar. Up on the stage is a familiar figure.)
Double J Jesse Jammes: (singing) Spent all day working hard on the go,
But the hands on the clock keep spinning too slow,
Cause I can't wait to be alone with my baby tonight!
Croooooow: I don't think Tazz will be here…
(Suddenly, incredibly cheesy music cues up and Double J gets off the stage.)
Song: We're not the Mounties! We're handsome, we're brave, we're strong!
We're not the Mounties! Cause we enforce the law!
Nykk: Oh no…
(The Quebecers, Jacques and Pierre, walk into sight.)
Jacques: What are you doing in our province?
Cynric: Hey, we're just looking for Tazz! If you haven't seen him, we'll quietly move along…
Pierre: Oui, mes amis, vous êtes dans la chance!
Nykk: What did he say?
Jacques: He said, "Yes my friends, you are in luck!"
Cheesecake: So you mean…
Jacques: Introducing the newest member of the Quebecers, Tazz!
(Tazz walks out in Mountie pants, a red vest and leather sash. The theme music starts up again.)
Nykk: Freakin' finally!
Tazz: (singing) You can trah ta run, but you can nevva hide!
Unlike da Mounties, we always get ah maaaaaaaan!
Cynric: Oh dear God…
Tazz: Ever-body, sing along!
Tazz, Jacques, Pierre, and Huh: We're not the Mounties…
(They all take turns slapping Huh to shut him up.)
Y2Jay: Tazz, you have to come back with us! You'll never get your push if you stay here!
Tazz: Why? Everythin' I evva wanted is right hee-ah in dis karuh-okie bah.
Nykk: Because… you're the Human Suplex/Wrecking Machine! You're a thug from Brooklyn!
Tazz: Whaddya mean by dat? You sayin' that Ah'm a thug, that I can't be trusted, is dat it?
Croooooow: No, he's not saying that…
Tazz: Awright. When do we leave?
Cynric: What, just like that? No emotional outburst of violence?
Tazz: Ah'm a changed man, tanks to my good pals Jacques and Pierre. (turns to them) Sorry, guys, but I gotta go.
Jacques: We understand. May you achieve the long-term career success that we never did!
Tazz: So how do I get back?
Nykk: Just click your heels together three times and repeat, "There's no place like home."
Tazz: (clicks his heels together) Der's no place like home… der's no place like home… der's no place like home…
(Nothing happens, but Nykk starts laughing hysterically.)
Nykk: I didn't think you'd actually do it!
(He carves a trap door in the dirt with his foot and blows on it. A pit opens up, exposing Croooooow's back yard.)
Nykk: Jump!
(They jump through. Nykk arrives back in his body, and wakes up with Tazz standing there. They walk around to the front yard where the rest of the PPV Squad is immersed in the dance moves of N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye.")
Nykk: What the f*ck are you guys doing!?
(They stop abruptly.)
Croooooow: Sorry.
Huh: Vince, Nykk brought back Tazz!
Vince: So what, do you want a cookie?
Huh: Huh?
Cheesecake: Aren't we going to get reinstated?
Vince: Hell no! You morons lost my Tazz duplicates! Not to worry. We'll soon find them.
Nykk: Wait, that's not fair, Vince. We did return Tazz to you.
Vince: Well… you have a point. All right, I'll have my people call yours.
Croooooow: You have our number?
Vince: (smiles mischievously) Of course…
Cynric: Can we at least have the TV back?
Vince: I guess… but right now, I have some Tazzes to round up. (takes out a leather whip and snaps it at Tazz.) Get in the van! Now!
(Tazz yelps and jumps into a van. Vince climbs in after him and the van speeds away.)
Nykk: Well…
Croooooow: Yeah.
Huh: Huh?
(They all walk back toward the house.)
A few weeks later, in a galaxy far, far away…
Konnan: Oy, mang. Now that we've won our battle, ese, let's celebrate. Are there any Taco Bells around here?
Crew Member: Uh, we're in outer space, sir…
(Suddenly, a rocket ship crashes through the bridge and comes to a stop. The door opens slowly, and many "Whaddya mean by dat?"s are heard.)
Back in Bellbrookville…
(The PPV Squad are at Steak 'n Shake, telling Y2Jay the whole story… or at least, while they scam some free food.)
Y2Jay: You guys have some serious problems. I'm glad I'm at work most of the time.
Nykk: Yeah, I can't believe you missed the tenth episode! We had to settle for just a figment!
Croooooow: But the episode hasn't ended yet… (they all look back and stare directly through the computer screen at YOU.)
Cheesecake: Hey! Delete that porn on the other browser this instant! You're on our time now!
Nykk: Just for that, we're ending this episode right now!
The End