(In the town of Bellbrookville, the PPV Squad has all gathered at Nykk's house. Huh is sitting down on the couch in Nykk's basement when the rest of the PPV Squad enter the room and surround him.)
Huh: Hey guys. So when's the PPV start?
Croooooow: You really are stupid, Nathan. First of all, we're at NYKK's house in BELLBROOKVILLE. Second, it's a Friday afternoon.
Huh: Huh?
Y2Jay: We're concerned about you, fatboy. Your intake of food is up a whopping 335% this year.
Huh: (scoffs) Ah, I'm as fat as I ever was…
(His pants rip and his belly escapes. The PPV Squad shudders.)
Nykk: We've got a very special place we're going to, Nathan. We would like you to go with us.
Huh: Does this place have food?
Cheesecake: We're taking you to Memphis Championship Wrestling. That's where the WWF sends their wrestlers to lose weight. Just look at what it did for your avatar, the Blue Meanie!
Huh: NOOO! (he tries to run, but Cheesecake and Y2Jay catch him by the arms)
Cynric: You are kind of overweight, Nathan…
Huh: What are you trying to say!?
Cynric: I just said you're overweight…
Huh: I can't believe you're calling me fat…
Cynric: Why? Everyone else does.
Huh: I'll kill you! I'll kill… (he tries to choke Cynric, but Cheesecake and Y2Jay are still holding his arms.)
Cynric: What are you going to do, sit on me again and break my spine?
Huh: No, I won't break…
Cheesecake: Whose car are we taking?
Croooooow: I haven't picked up my new car yet, and the Pimpmobile was mysteriously driven off a cliff shortly after my purchase…
Nykk: My Camaro's getting a tune-up.
Y2Jay: The Shaggin' Wagon's radiator fell out. It was all I could do just to drive it over here!
Nykk: Wait! I wonder if this still works… (he dials a number into the phone)
(The door to the basement opens and the Hardcore Hamster walks in, holding a pager.)
Hamster: Yeah, who needs a smackin'?
Nykk: Um… no one right now, Dusty.
Hamster: You lied to me? I oughta smack ya!
(He moves toward Nykk, but veers and smacks Huh.)
Huh: Ow! I thought you wanted to smack Nykk!
Hamster: I did, but some strange compulsion always makes me want to smack you out of reflex.
Nykk: Dusty, we need a ride to Memphis, Tennessee. Will you take us?
Hamster: Yeah, yeah… my Monte Carlo's out front, for the same unknown reason that I'm in your house right now. Hop in.
(They take Huh out to Dusty's white 1980 Monte Carlo. Dusty gets in the driver's seat, Nykk and Y2Jay get in the front, and Croooooow and Cheesecake get in the back.)
Cynric: Where should I put Nathan?
Hamster: Just throw 'im in the trunk.
(Cynric throws Nathan in the trunk.)
Huh: I'll get you for this!
(Cynric slams it shut on his head. At the same time, the front of the car rises into the air.)
Hamster: Damn. Okay, we need to displace the weight. Who wants to ride on the hood?
(They pull out and drive non-stop… literally.)
*Later…*
Nykk: Dusty! That was a STOP sign back there. Didn't you see?
Hamster: Yeah, I saw it. So?
Cheesecake: Look out!
(They come up fast on the rear of another car, but the fact that they're driving while popping a wheelie lets Dusty jump the car with ease.)
Hamster: Hey, I could get used to this. That was even easier than the last one…
Cynric: Are we there yet!?
Hamster: Yeah. (plows through a couple of cars and comes to a stop in a parking space.)
Nykk: Dusty, you're a worse driver than Jay.
Y2Jay: Hey, now, no one takes that title from me…
(They all get out of the car and let Huh out of the trunk.)
Huh: Where are we?
Croooooow: A high school somewhere in Memphis, Tennessee. There's an MCW show here tonight.
Huh: What are you going to do to me?
Cheesecake: Relax. We're just going to incorporate some of the latest technology to suck all that fat right out of your body.
Huh: But, but, but, but…
Croooooow: And if you don't cooperate, we'll have Dusty smack you.
Hamster: Hell, I'll do that anyway. (smacks Huh)
Huh: Ow! That's not fair!
Cynric: How should we go about this?
Nykk: Let's split up and look for someone in charge. We'll explain our situation. We have an overweight WWF Superstar who needs…
Y2Jay: Nathan's not exactly a WWF Superstar, Nick…
Nykk: One match wonder, Superstar, same difference. And don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(Cynric trips.)
Nykk: Ow! Mark, you stepped on my foot!
Cynric: Sorry.
(Nykk bends over to make sure his foot isn't broken, and that one pesky hair falls in front of his face.)
Nykk: Crap. (blows on it, trying to get it away. He tries moving it with his hand, but it doesn't budge.) Look what you did, Mark! I won't tire until I get revenge!
Cynric: (rolls his eyes) Great, now two people are after my blood.
(Nykk, Huh, The Hardcore Hamster, and Y2Jay go in one direction, and Croooooow, Cheesecake, and Cynric go in the other.)
(Nykk's team finds themselves in a locker room. All around, WWF prospects are scrambling, cleaning up everything, and acting all edgy.)
Nykk: (grabs a nearby wrestler) What's going on?
Joey Abs: The boss is comin', man!
Huh: Huh?
Y2Jay: The boss…?
Joey Abs: Vince McMahon! He's coming here! We think he might be moving someone up to WWF TV!
(Jerry Lawler walks in to the room.)
Nykk: Hey, Lawler! We need your help!
Lawler: What? You guys!? What the heck are you doing here!?
Hamster: We need ya ta help Nathan lose some weight. I hear ya guys have had some success with it.
Lawler: You guys have come to the right place! Step this way, Nathan!
Huh: W-What are you going to do with me?
Lawler: I just want to touch you…
Huh: D'haaaaaa!
Lawler: (sighs) Not like THAT.
(He gets a skin pincher to measure Huh's body fat.)
Lawler: Whew! Way off the charts… this could take all night.
Nykk: You can help him though, right…?
Huh: I don't know about this, you guys…
Croooooow: (from a distance) Shut… up… Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (from the distance) Shut… Nathan… up!
Hamster: Shut up, or I'll smack ya!
Lawler: Don't worry he'll be fine. Come with me, fattie.
(He leads Huh away.)
Huh: Guys…
(They all wave.)
Nykk: Have fun!
Y2Jay: Now what do we do?
Nykk: Why do you think we split up? Let's see how the other team is doing!
*Elsewhere…*
(Croooooow, Cynric, and Cheesecake (3C?) are out in the parking lot.)
Cheesecake: 'Tho, what are we doing out here, anyway, guy'th? The weather foreca'th't say'th it'th 'thupossed to be raining men!
Cynric: Will you shut up already? You've been talking like that ever since we split up!
Cheesecake: What, you got a problem with it? I happen to like this voice, thank you very much. Jesus, can't you just accept me for who I am and all the wackiness that comes with it?
Cynric: So, do you want revenge too?
Cheesecake: Well, I hadn't really thought about it, but since you DID mention it… sure. I won't rest until you're in my clutches.
(Cynric sighs.)
Croooooow: You DID mention it, Mark.
Cynric: Shut up.
(A black limousine pulls up.)
Croooooow: Wow. Who's coming to an indy show in a limo?
(The driver gets out and opens the door. Vince McMahon steps out.)
Vince: You guys!?
Croooooow: Hey, Vince, long time no see. Did you lose our number or something?
Vince: Um, I… uh… (to Cynric) Get the hell off my limo! You bastard!
Cynric: (stops leaning on the limo) Okay, geez…
Vince: Do you have any idea how long it took my driver to get the shine this glossy!? I'm going to de-push you so fast, you won't know what hit you!
Cynric: Okay, this is getting weird.
Vince: Anyway, I'm here to evaluate the MCW stars and possibly move someone up to WWF Television.
(A rumbling can be heard in the distance. Croooooow looks down at a puddle of water, which ripples every time the rumbling sounds.)
Vince: Oh no…
Cheesecake: Don't tell me.
Big Show: Viiiiince!
(The Big Show bursts out of the door to the school, taking the frame with him, and engulfs Vince in a bearhug.)
Big Show: Long time no see, boss! (he slobbers all over him)
Vince: Get off me, you big oaf! I'm not Patterson!
Big Show: (releases him) Me sorry.
Cynric: Hey Big Show, I can understand you! I guess sending you down here to lose weight and get in shape have also improved your mic skills!
Big Show: For your information, I'm down here to help some of the younger stars with my in-ring expertise. That's what Vince told me, and he wouldn't lie to me! As for you… Aggggghhhh! (raises his hand)
Cynric: Sh-t.
(Big Show picks up Cynric and throws him into a nearby dumpster. He also picks up Croooooow and Cheesecake and does the same.)
Big Show: He think me mic skills stink. Me crash him good.
Vince: Thanks, Paul. Now let's go inside and discuss your contract…
Big Show: Me get raise? Oh boy! (they walk away)
Croooooow: Nice going, Mark. Now you have The Big Show pissed at us. Thanks a lot, brother. Now I want revenge too.
Cynric: Ah, you'll forget about it by tomorrow morning.
Croooooow: No, nothing will steer me from my course. This is all your fault!
Cynric: It never would have happened if we hadn't been wandering out in the parking lot thanks to your leadership, brother!
Croooooow: Don't call me brother… BROTHER!
Cynric: I seem to be pissing off everyone today.
(Meanwhile, Nykk, Y2Jay, and The Hardcore Hamster are looking through the curtain, waiting for the matches to start.)
Vince: Oh no! It's the other half!
(They turn around.)
Nykk: Hey, Vince, old buddy.
Vince: I'm not your buddy. How come you give me one great angle, and then leave it hanging?
Nykk: Wha?
Vince: GTV, you idiot! It's hanging in limbo. I need to know who was behind it!
Nykk: How the hell should I know?
Vince: (sighs) Never mind.
Hamster: Hey, you never paid me for the work I did for you the other month! I oughta smack ya!
Vince: Go ahead. But you are unable to smack the richest man in Sports Entertainment!
Hamster: I am?
Vince: How about I have you smack one of my underlings? I'll make you an appointment. After that, I could possibly fit you in for a smackin'.
Hamster: That would be okay… I guess…
(Vince smiles to himself, having wormed his way out of another problem. Croooooow, Cynric, and Cheesecake walk in, wiping garbage off their clothes.)
Croooooow: Hey, guys. Did you take care of our problem?
Nykk: Yep. Nathan's weight problem is taken care of.
Y2Jay: Hey King, where did you put Nathan anyway?
Lawler: You see that machine back there? (points to an odd circular contraption with a metal door.) That room is filled with hot steam, magnified to be 10 times as powerful. Your friend's going to sweat off his weight!
Vince: Wait a minute… you people don't work for me. Your contract was for a one-time appearance!
Cheesecake: Hey, you owe us for finding Tazz!
Lawler: Aw crap! (looks at the booking sheet)
Vince: What?
Lawler: K-Krush is stuck in Louisville. We need a replacement for him in tonight's match.
(Vince thinks about it. He looks up and sees the PPV Squad smiling at him.)
Vince: Okay, all right, fine. Who wants to take his place?
Croooooow: We'll draw straws! This is Tennessee. I'm sure there's lots of straw around here.
Y2Jay: What, you didn't notice it hanging off the rafters, sticking out from under car hoods, and scattered on the floor?
Nykk: Hey, you're right! I didn't notice it until you mentioned it, but there was almost no straw when we got here. Now it's everywhere, like it's taking over. Almost as if it's alive…
(A pile of straw tries to slink away.)
Croooooow: Oh no you don't! (tackles the pile, drawing five straws)
(Y2Jay, Cynric, and Cheesecake all pick normal-sized straws. Croooooow holds out his fist to Nykk.)
Croooooow: You wanna pick first, or let me?
Nykk: Please, what kind of a moron would fall for that besides Nathan? (starts to pick a straw but stops) Wait a minute, this happened the last time we drew straws. You're trying to trick me.
(Croooooow simply stares at him.)
Nykk: See? See? He's trying to psyche me out! Stop it!
Croooooow: Fine, we'll settle this the old-fashioned way.
Cynric: How?
Croooooow: Rip off a movie!
(Lawler walks in and sets up a table and two chairs. Nykk sits down in a chair, and Croooooow in another.)
Croooooow: I challenge you to a battle of twits.
Nykk: I accept!
Croooooow: Jay, please pour the wine. (Y2Jay produces two goblets and sets them on the table. He then pours a red-colored wine into each of them. Croooooow hands Nykk a vial.) Inhale this, but do not touch.
(Nykk inhales.)
Croooooow: What you do not smell is Aocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, and dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Nykk: Jim, we can't kill either of us off…
Croooooow: Don't worry, it's been allowed to sit for hundreds of years. Whoever takes it in will immediately fall into unconsciousness. (He takes the goblets and turns his back. When he's done, he puts them back.) Where is the poison? The battle of twits has begun! It ends when you decide and we both drink… and find out who is right… and who is dead… I mean, unconscious.
Nykk: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine what I know of you. Are you the sort who would put the poison in his own goblet or his opponent's? Now a clever man would put the poison in his own goblet, because he knows that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am clearly a great fool, so I cannot choose the wine in front of me. But you must have known I was a great fool, so I cannot choose the wine in front of you.
Croooooow: You're stalling.
Nykk: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you! You could count on your strength to save you, so I cannot choose the wine in front of you. But in knowing men are mortal, you could have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I cannot choose the wine in front of me!
Croooooow: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Nykk: It has worked! I know where the poison is!
Croooooow: Then make your choice.
Nykk: I will, and I choose… (points behind Croooooow) Look! A big distracting thing!
Croooooow: (turns around) Where?
(Nykk switches the goblets.)
Croooooow: (turns back around) I didn't see anything.
Nykk: Must have been the wind. (laughs)
Croooooow: What's so funny?
Nykk: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours!
(They drink up the wine.)
Croooooow: You guessed wrong.
Nykk: Ha! You only think I guessed wrong! That's what was so funny! I switched goblets while your back was turned! Who da man? You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never agree to work for WCW; and the only slightly less well known is this: never go up against me when a wrestling match is on the line!
(Nykk laughs hysterically. Suddenly, he stops and falls over.)
Vince: Unconscious. Now that that's settled, we need to get you to wardrobe. What did you say your name was?
Croooooow: I'm no one to be trifled with.
Cynric: To think, all this time, it was your cup that was poisoned.
Croooooow: Neither of them was poisoned. Aocaine powder is taken in by inhalation, and triggered by radical emotions like joy and amusement.
Cheesecake: Hey, you ripped off a movie and gave it an original ending! That poison non-lethal, right?
Croooooow: Well, I won't lie to you. (turns to Vince) Hey Vince, what's my gimmick going to be?
Vince: We'll make you the King of Memphis!
(Croooooow smiles, thinking an heir to Jerry Lawler's throne will be well received, and goes off to wardrobe.)
Y2Jay: Think we should tell Nykk the truth when he wakes up?
PPV Squad: Nah!
(An hour later, in the arena, the ring announcer welcomes the crowd. He announces the first match.)
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall! About to enter the arena… Anubis, the King of Memphis… Egypt!
(Croooooow enters the arena dressed as a pharaoh from Ancient Egypt, looking disgruntled at the laughter and catcalls from the crowd. He enters the ring.)
Announcer: And his opponent… Hollywood!
(A blond midget in overalls enters the arena. Croooooow starts to laugh.)
Croooooow: This'll be easy. Hey, aren't you just a "little" out of your league? (laughs at his joke)
(Hollywood walks up and punches Croooooow in the balls. As Croooooow holds his area, Hollywood takes his arm and gives him a judo throw. Croooooow lands on his back and Hollywood applies a Juji Gatame armbar. Croooooow taps out.)
Cheesecake: (watching from backstage) Well that was thoroughly embarrassing.
(Nykk wakes up.)
Nykk: What happened?
Y2Jay: Um… it was just the wind.
Nykk: The wind. Do you actually expect me to believe that the wind knocked me out?
Cynric: Well do you?
Nykk: Yeah, but that's not the point. How's Jim doing?
(As if on cue, Croooooow arrives.)
Hamster: That was so pathetic, I oughta smack ya.
(Before he gets the chance, Mark Henry walks in.)
Mark: Vince! Vince, man, you gotta put me back on TV, man, my talents are being wasted here, man…
Vince: Do I know you?
Mark: It's me, man, Sexual Chocolate, man!
Vince: Oh, you. In case your numb skull hasn't figured it out yet, you aren't down here to teach the younger wrestlers poetry. I sent you here to lose weight, and you haven't lost a single pound!
Mark: Is that all, man? (he runs over to the steaming room and throws open the door)
Lawler: Wait!
(Huh emerges from the steaming room, looking as fat as when he went in. He belches, and deflates; leaving the skinniest guy they've ever seen.)
Huh: Ha! I escaped! (he runs away)
Lawler: Wait, the process isn't finished yet!
Huh: (still running) Huh?
Lawler: You'll gain back half your weight eventually, if you don't finish!
Nykk: We'll bring him back.
(The PPV Squad runs after him. Jerry Lawler and Vince McMahon join in the chase.)
Lawler: He can't have gone far!
(They chase him all over town, and finally arrive at the Mid-South Colleseum. They all run into the parking garage. As the rest of the PPV Squad keeps chasing him, Cynric stops.)
Cynric: (wheezing) This would be a lot easier if he was still fat… (walks after them.)
(Suddenly, a white car's headlights turn on. It takes off at breakneck speed toward Cynric.)
Cynric: Oh now isn't this just perfect…
(The car barrels into Cynric, who is swept onto the hood and falls back onto the ground. The car speeds away, leaving Cynric lying there.)
(Meanwhile, the PPV Squad has caught Huh, and drags him back through the parking garage.)
Nykk: Thanks for helping us, Vince…
Vince: I wasn't helping you. I was testing my new toupee. I split up from you when it fell off.
Cheesecake: We all had to split up to search the whole garage.
(They spot Cynric.)
Croooooow: Oh my God! What happened?
(They call an ambulance, which comes and takes Cynric away.)
Y2Jay: I don't think we're going to find out who did this… everyone here's a suspect!
Nykk: Of course we'll find out. And there won't be any babies or hermaphrodites as the culprits either.
Lawler: I'm not a suspect. I wasn't anywhere near him today.
Croooooow: Of course you're a suspect. It's more interesting that way.
Lawler: Oh… okay…
Vince: Well, I couldn't solve this mystery. Can YOU? (he points to YOU, the reader.)
To Be Continued…