Cynric (narrating): On the last episode of the Adventures of the PPV Squad, we took a trip to Memphis Championship Wrestling to help Nathan lose some weight. Along the way, I managed to get everyone pissed off at me. Meanwhile, Nykk and Jim dueled in a battle of twits to determine who would face midget wrestler Hollywood. Jim won, and promptly got his ass kicked. At that point, Nathan escaped. As we chased after him, I fell behind and was run over by a car. They returned to find me in a heap on the concrete and called an ambulance. They resolved to find out who did this to me. I guess that labels me 'Officially Screwed.'
(In the parking garage at the Mid-South Coliseum in Memphis, Tennessee, the PPV Squad, Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler, and The Big Show have been gathered. WWF wrestlers are starting to arrive for the house show that starts in a few hours.)
Lawler: I still don't see why I have to be a suspect. The episode clearly indicates that Mark never did anything to piss me off.
Croooooow: Well, then, uh… you ref, dude!
Y2Jay: He never pissed me off either.
Hamster: I'm always pissed. Usually at Nathan. Skinny boy! (smacks Huh)
Nykk: I say that Jim did it, IN the bathroom, WITH a steel chair!
Croooooow: He's my brother. Why would I do such a thing?
Cheesecake: You were pissed that he caused the Big Show to throw us in a dumpster, Jim.
Croooooow: Well what about you? I say that Art did it, IN the locker room, WITH a steel pipe encased in a bouquet of roses!
Cheesecake: Me?
Huh: You were angry that he didn't like your lisp. Remember?
Cheesecake: Since we're tossing blame back and forth, I say that Nathan did it, IN the crowd, WITH the STOP! sign.
Huh: What? Just because he called me fat, the lousy piece of crap… he makes me so mad! Sometimes I just want to challenge him to a hardcore match, take him out in the audience, and hit him repeatedly with a STOP! sign!
Cheesecake: That's what I just said, you moron.
Huh: Well, uh, um… Nykk did it, IN the backstage area, WITH the Cookie Sheet of Doom!
Vince: You're all morons! Do you even read your own drivel? (he waves Episode 11 at them) He was hit by a car, IN this parking garage, remember?
Nykk: With a white Monte Carlo. That immediately puts Jay and Dusty back in the race. They're the worst drivers out of all of us! Oh yeah, it was Dusty's car too.
Hamster: I don't run people over! I smack 'em! Or set 'em on fire!
Croooooow: Let's not forget that Vince and The Big Show were pissed at him too.
Big Show: Me not fit in car.
Vince: All right, I know that I ran after that formerly fat kid with you, and I know I split up from the rest of you, and I know I have a history of being behind evil plots, but I have a way to prove my innocence.
Nykk: How?
Vince: As you've seen from the fat kid's experiences, we have some impressive contraptions on our hands at WWF Entertainment. We recently developed a time machine that we were going to use to transport wrestlers in their prime to today.
Y2Jay: Imagine the possibilities for big money dream matches… Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair!
Nykk: Bruno Sammartino vs. Hulk Hogan.
Croooooow: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin vs. Ed Lewis.
Huh: Triple H vs. The Rock.
(Everyone looks at him.)
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fat… er, skinny boy!
Cheesecake: (to the Hamster) Shut Nathan up!
Hamster: Gladly. (smacks him)
Vince: All of you shut up! I'm giving you the time machine so you can figure out who did it. I don't need the U.S. Government on my case again! (looks into the distance) But soon… I will own the Government…
Croooooow: Yeah… that's great, Vince. When do we get our time machine?
Vince: It's not your time machine. It's mine. I'm just lending it to you.
Nykk: Sure. We just want to know when our time machine is going to get here.
Vince: (sighs) It's a time machine. It gets here whenever I want it to get here. (makes a call on his cell phone) Remember, you've got seventy-two hours to go back, find out who did it, and get back to the present time. After that, the machine will self-destruct.
Cheesecake: Why?
Vince: I don't know. An error in manufacturing, I guess… remember, seventy-two hours.
Matt Hardy: (walks up behind Vince) They've got seventy-two hours to save the world…
(Vince picks up a broom that was leaning against a pillar and hits Matt with it repeatedly.)
Vince: Get out of here. Shoo!
(Matt runs away. A large spaceship-looking thing appears after a bright flash of light. A door opens and the PPV Squad gets out.)
Cheesecake: Wow. Are you guys our future selves?
Cheesecake: Yep. You guys are going to have quite an adventure.
Nykk: Wait… if you're really us, what number are we thinking of?
PPV Squad: 69, dudes!
PPV Squad: Whoa!
Huh: Well, we have to go. (they get into the time machine)
Y2Jay: Jay! Don't forget to set your watch!
(Y2Jay looks down at his watch and nods in agreement. The time machine disappears and another one takes its place.)
Vince: Gentlemen, I give you time and space for you to use at will. Be sure to use it wisely and… (looks them over) Ah, forget it. Just get in. You can use the control panel in the cockpit to set the date and location.
(They climb in. Croooooow is in the back, looking at all the hi-tech machinery.)
Nykk: Jim, what are you doing?
Croooooow: Mark would love this. Too bad he can't go with us.
(Cheesecake and Y2Jay walk in.)
Cheesecake: You sure you don't have to work, Jay?
Y2Jay: Nah, Dusty said he'd fill in for me. Say, shouldn't we be blasting off now?
Cheesecake: Nathan said he was taking care of it, so…
(They all look at each other for a moment and then make a beeline for the cockpit. However, they're too late. Huh is fooling with some switches while a slice of pizza he found on the floor of the parking garage drips mozzarella on the controls.)
Croooooow: Don't touch that, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, don't touch that!
Y2Jay: Don't touch that, skinny boy!
Cheesecake: Someone prevent Nathan from touching that!
(The ship takes off, and after a bright flash of light, disappears.)
Nykk: (reading the instruction manual) Hey guys, this is pretty cool. It says here that upon exiting the machine, we are automatically imbued with whatever the common language is in the time we're in.
Croooooow: There's a nice little detail that gives you leeway to work us around certain situations.
(After a bright flash of light, the time machine stops in the middle of a beach.)
Huh: There's something wrong with the controls.
Cheesecake: Duh, moron. The location and date setter are jammed. We can only hit the 'GO' switch and hope we end up in the right time period.
(They get out and notice people filing into a building on the edge of the beach.)
Croooooow: (takes out a tape recorder) Captain's Log… we seem to be in a fairly recent period. The architecture is familiar, and people are wearing normal clothes.
Nykk: Shut up! That's annoying.
Cheesecake: What are all those people doing?
(They walk over to find out what's going on but are rudely shoved aside.)
Y2Jay: Maybe we should take something from this time period as a memento.
Nykk: Good idea. But we have to be careful about what we choose. If this is the past, we could alter the course of history in subtle ways we wouldn't even dream of. Nathan, get that box over there. That seems harmless enough.
(Huh picks up the box and they get back in the time machine. They hit the 'GO' switch, and the machine disappears again.)
Croooooow: Where was that place anyway?
Cheesecake: (looking at a monitor) Apparently, it was Palm Beach, Florida, on November 7, 2000.
Huh: Hey guys, this box is filled with some kind of letters.
Nykk: (reading) Al Gore… Al Gore… Al Gore… these are election ballots! We have to take these back.
Y2Jay: Ah, it's only a few ballots. It's not like it's going to alter the course of the election or anything.
Nykk: I guess you're right. (rips up the ballots)
(The time machine reasserts itself into time. This time they're in the middle of a large 17th century ship.)
Cheesecake: Now what?
(They get out and pirates gather around them.)
Croooooow: Uh oh.
Nykk: Um… could we talk to your captain, please?
(The Squad hears someone behind them and turns around. Chris Benoit is standing there in a pirate captain's uniform. He's wearing an eye patch and still has his missing tooth.)
Benoit: Ehhh!
Cheesecake: Don't you mean "Arrr!"?
Benoit: This is the first-ever all Canadian pirate ship.
Pirates: Ehhh!
(Chris Jericho, Edge, Christian, Bret Hart, Just Joe, Test, and Lance Storm surround them, all dressed as pirates. Jericho has a parrot on his shoulder.)
Benoit: (pointing to the pirates) This is my first mate Jericho, Bosun Storm, and mid-shipmen Edge and Christian.
Nykk: Yeah, we figured. What does Bret do?
Benoit: He just sits around and complains all day. Has ever since King Vincent forced him out of his royal navy.
Christian: So, like, who are you, and why is there a big… thing… in the middle of our poop deck?
(Huh starts to laugh uncontrollably.)
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Huh: But he said…
(They all slap him to shut him up.)
Nykk: You see, Captain Benoit, we come from the future where we are webmasters of web sites who formed a Squad to make fun of bad wrestling matches and made up names for ourselves but our friend was hit by a car and Vince McMahon let us use his time machine and we ended up here. Tell 'em, Croooooow!
Croooooow: Weeeellll… he about covered it.
Benoit: What are you talking a-boot? Web… site? There are giant spiders in the future?
Jericho: They're full of it. I think we should tell these guys to SHUT THE HELL UP!
Parrot: Rawk! Shutthehellup! (whistles)
Benoit: Are you by any chance Canadian?
Y2Jay: Hell no, do we look like dumb… er… never mind.
Benoit: We can't let you join our crew then. What should we do with them, men?
Storm: They don't deserve to pillage with us. They weren't trained in the pirate capital of the world in Calgary…………. Alberta, Canada! I say they should have to walk the plank!
Pirates: Ehhh!
Huh: Huh?
(Cheesecake spots the plank resting against the main mast. He kicks it down and walks across it.)
Cheesecake: There! I walked the plank! Now what?
Pirates: (look at each other) Eh?
Test: Ah, just shoot the bastards.
(The pirates pull their pistols and aim at the PPV Squad.)
Croooooow: Wait!
Jericho: Why should we, ya hoser?
Croooooow: Because… I am your father!
Jericho: No you're not. My father's over there. (points to NHL superstar Ted Irvine, who is mopping up the deck. He waves at them.)
Nykk: Um… don't shoot us because we're beautiful?
Benoit: Ehhh! You're not beautiful!
Cheesecake: You're right, we're just 'tho 'thexy!
Benoit: (blinks) Take them below. We'll have to figure out a fate worse than death for them.
(The PPV Squad is taken below by Edge and Christian and tied together. They then leave, shutting the door and leaving the PPV Squad in darkness.)
Cheesecake: Hey guys, you know what these ropes remind me of?
Nykk: Do we want to know?
Cheesecake: I was just going to say Episode 10… but if you want to drag your mind through the gutter…
Y2Jay: We need to think of a way out of here, guys.
Huh: No sweat, guys. I've got it. (he rubs the ropes that are binding his hands on the edge of a cutlass which is propped up in the corner.)
Croooooow: That's quick thinking, Nathan. How do you explain that idea coming out of you?
Huh: How do we explain anything that comes out of me? (he looks at his hands) Oh, you were talking about this? That wasn't how I was going to escape. I was trying to squeeze through this hole in the floor so I could find the kitchen! (he indicates his foot, which is stuck in a hole in the floor)
(The Squad rolls their eyes.)
Huh: What?
Y2Jay: Don't worry, guys, I've got it. (he contorts his hands until he's free of the ropes)
Nykk: That's amazing. How did you do that?
Y2Jay: You hang around with Dusty as much as I do, you learn stuff.
(He frees the rest of them and they make their escape back to the deck. They sneak past Edge, Christian, and Storm. Meanwhile, Just Joe walks up to Benoit, who is at the helm.)
Joe: Captain Benoit…
Benoit: What is it, Joe?
Joe: I just thought you should know that the prisoners have escaped and…
Benoit: Joe, what have I told you about tattling?
Joe: But I was just trying to…
Benoit: If the prisoners are escaping, that's their business. You have no right to be spying on them like that.
Joe: But…
Benoit: Now run along, Joe.
Joe: But…
Benoit: That's it! Go to your room!
(Joe stomps his foot and runs away crying. Benoit looks after him and spots the PPV Squad.)
Benoit: Hey, the prisoners are escaping! Get them!
Pirates: Ehhh!
Nykk: Run!
Cheesecake: Where? We're in the middle of the ocean!
Croooooow: The time machine! Quick!
(However, the pirates are blocking the way with swords drawn.)
Jericho: When I get through with you, you will never…
Pirates: Eeeeeevvverrr…
Jericho: Be alive a-gain!
Parrot: Rawk! Eeeeeevvverrr… (whistles)
Croooooow: (with an "I'm gonna mess you up" look on his face) Someone hand me a sword.
(Cheesecake tosses him the cutlass he picked up back in the holding cell.)
Jericho: (laughs) Don't make me laugh like I did just now! Where did you learn to fight?
Croooooow: Theater Class. Now put up or shut up, Jericho!
(Jericho lunges, but Croooooow parries him easily. He fakes an overhead swing. Jericho's sword comes up to block it, but Croooooow slices downward and up again, sending Jericho's sword flying.)
Jericho: You think you're done? You've not beaten us yet!
(The ship starts to shake and the pirates part. Earthquake walks down the center of the path to stand in front of the PPV Squad.)
Benoit: Meet our cook, the Canadian Earthquake!
Huh: This one's mine, guys.
(Earthquake walks toward them, but Huh turns around to fart. However, it only comes out half as effective as usual.)
Christian: Oh Gawd, that's the worst smell ever! I am SO gonna hurl!
(The pirates all hold their noses but don't pass out.)
Huh: I don't get it…
Nykk: Nathan's gained back half his weight. His farts must have lost half their potency through the whole process. I've got a back-up plan though.
(He takes some Twinkies from Huh's pocket and waves them in front of Earthquake. Earthquake runs for them, but Nykk throws them overboard. Earthquake immediately jumps into the ocean, sending a small tidal wave onto the ship.)
Test: Oh no…
(Realizing that the Twinkies have sunk, Earthquake's yell can be heard throughout the sea.)
Storm: He's pissed. He's gonna ram us!
Benoit: Men! To your stations! Storm, take the helm!
(From out in the ocean, Earthquake swims toward the ship at breakneck speed. Suddenly, Benoit jumps onto the ship's railing with a harpoon.)
Benoit: From the heart of Hell, I stab at thee! (he throws the harpoon, which imbeds itself in Earthquake's back. The other pirates attach the rope and hoist him out of the ocean.)
Y2Jay: Wow. Good thinking, Nick.
Nykk: Don't call me that… Call me Ishmael.
Cheesecake: (to Benoit) So can we go now?
Benoit: Well, you've bested my giant, which proves you're exceptionally strong. On the other hand, you've bested my Canadian, which proves… actually, I'm not sure what that proves, but you didn't PROVE me WRONG! However, two out of three ain't bad, so go with my blessing.
Pirates: Ehhh!
(The PPV Squad get into the cockpit of the time machine.)
Y2Jay: Still have that sword, Jim?
Croooooow: Yeah.
Y2Jay: That'll be our memento for this time period.
Nykk: All right, here goes nothing.
(He hits the 'GO' switch. After a bright flash of light, the time machine disappears into the unknown.)
To Be Continued…