Cynric: When we last left the PPV Squad, they journeyed back in time to find out who ran me over. After screwing up the 2000 Presidential Election, they came across Captain Chris Benoit and his Canadian pirates. Thanks to Croooooow's swordsmanship and everyone else… well… just kind of being there, they were able to escape and continue their journey.
(Somewhere in time and space, the newly dubbed WWF TimeTron is going toward its next destination.)
Croooooow: I wonder where we'll end up next. Maybe the Civil War.
Cheesecake: Or Ancient Rome.
Nykk: No, the Gladiator/WWF parody's been done.
Y2Jay: That reminds me. Don't you find it odd that we landed on a pirate ship manned by pro wrestlers?
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: Well we are the PPV Squad, and we're always bound to get into something wrestling-related. Maybe time and space is changing itself to suit that.
(After a bright flash of light, the TimeTron stops. The PPV Squad looks outside and sees that they're in the middle of an 18th century-style street. They get out to have a better look.)
Croooooow: Oh great, instead of Gladiator, we're going to do The Patriot.
Y2Jay: I don't think so. It seems pretty calm here.
(A man stops his horse abruptly when he sees the TimeTron. Upon closer inspection, they recognize him as The Rock.)
The Rock: (calming his horse) Whoa there, Roody-poo. Finally, Paul Revere HAS COME BACK to Philadelphia!
Cheesecake: Ah, 'tho we're in Phladelphia, the 'thity of Brotherly Love!
(He puts his hand on Huh's shoulder.)
Nykk: (points to Rock) You're Paul Revere?
(Huh peels Cheesecake's hand from his shoulder.)
The Rock: That's right, Paul Revere has returned to the city that will start it all. Tonight, no, today, no, in a few short minutes, the Declaration of Independence will be signed. We will form a new country, and break away from the madness of King Russo!
Huh: Did he just say King Russo?
The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF PAUL REVERE SAID 'KING RUSSO!'
(The Rock rides his horse down the street.)
Nykk: Oh we have to check this out.
Y2Jay: Didn't you hear what Vince said? We only have seventy-two hours to figure out who ran over Mark. And with fourteen of those hours gone, it means that we only have fifty-eight. (looks at his watch) Yep, fifty-eight.
Nykk: Maybe you're right.
Y2Jay: Eh, changed my mind. Let's go!
Nykk: Okay…
(They walk down the street to where a bunch of civilians are crowded around a building.)
Croooooow: How are we going to get in? It doesn't look like it's open to the public.
Cheesecake: Leave it to me. (he runs up the steps and cups his hand to his mouth.) The British are coming! The British are coming!
(The crowd panics and starts to disperse. On their way in, Earl Hebner, who's wearing a wig stops the PPV Squad.)
Earl: Whoa, there. Where do you think you're going?
Huh: To see the Declaration of Independence signed.
Earl: (sighs) I can see that, but I'm the doorman. (points to a badge on his coat) They've given me authority on whom to admit.
Nykk: Uh… we're signing it.
Earl: (checks his list) What state are you from?
Huh: We're from Ohio…
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Earl) Shut Nathan up!
Nykk: Heh… we're actually from New Jersey. (whispers to Huh) You moron, Ohio wasn't a state until 1803.
Earl Hebner: Oh, our New Jersey representatives! Go on in!
(After the PPV Squad enters, five gentlemen walk up to Earl.)
Gentleman: Good day, sir. (indicates his fellows) Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, and I am Abraham Clerk. We're the New Jersey representatives.
Earl: Did you think you could deceive me? Our Jersey representatives are already here.
Clerk: But…
Earl: Off with you now! Go on!
(They walk away muttering how New Jersey won't stand for this. Meanwhile, the PPV Squad is escorted to their seats. Various representatives from other states are entering.)
Croooooow: Hey, it's Vince!
(They look up and see Vince McMahon chatting with Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco.)
Nykk: Hey, Vince! Over here!
(Vince, Pat, and Gerald walk over to them.)
Vince: Why are you calling me that? I'm Thomas Jefferson.
Y2Jay: Oh yeah. Hey, congratulations on inventing the light bulb.
Vince: What's a light bulb? In any case, welcome to Philadelphia. These are my fellow Virginian representatives, Benjamin Harrison and Francis Lightfoot Lee. (he indicates Brisco and Patterson.)
Cheesecake: (to Patterson) Why do they call you Lightfoot? (Patterson whispers something to him.) Kinky!
Vince: Well, I'd better get this underway. Please take your seats, gentlemen.
(The PPV Squad sits down.)
Croooooow: This is so Dangan! We're going to get to sign the Declaration of Independence!
Huh: Huh?
Vince: (steps up to a podium) Gentlemen, welcome to Philadelphia. It's been a long and winding road to this day. Today, on August 2nd 1776, we finally sign the Declaration of Independence. This should have happened back on July 4th, but SOME states, who shall remain nameless, were being stubborn stevens. So let's just sign this thing and get the hell outta here. Mrs. Jefferson made snacks for everybody when we're through, so…
(Everyone looks toward the snack table where Huh is chowing down.)
Vince: Excuse me…
Huh: (with his mouth full) Yeah?
Vince: Who are you?
Huh: Uh… uh… John Hand-cock. (snickers at his own joke)
Vince: Well Mr. Hancock, maybe you'd like to be the first to sign.
Huh: Okay. (he goes up to the table where the Declaration and a pen and quill sit. He signs his "name" but still misspells hand-cock as 'Hancock.')
Vince: Well don't just sit there. Get up and sign it, you lazy politicians.
(Everyone lines up to sign. It takes a few minutes, but all the signatures get put on the document.)
Vince: All right. Now we can…
(A regiment of British soldiers that march into the assembly interrupts him.)
Vince: Here now… what's the meaning of this?
Soldier: Talk to our king.
(A bearded man in a robe and crown marches forward.)
Vince: King Russo!
Russo: Yeah it's me, Jefferson. Did you think we'd never meet again?
Vince: But how could you travel so far without any warning coming here first?
Russo: Ha! My booking isn't burdened by logic! Prepare to die!
Voice: Hold it!
(They all look to the emergency exit, where a fat man wearing the traditional feathers of a Native American chief walks in with a bunch of Indians.)
Vince: Chief Roland?
Roland: It is I, Chief Roland of the APW tribe. No matter who wins this quarrel, my people will suffer. With one dominant power, all independent tribes will eventually disappear. All of them: XPW, UPW… we're determined not to let the same fate befall us that befell the ECW tribe!
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT FATE BEFALLS YOU! (Paul Revere walks out from behind the podium) Just bring it!
(The three powers clash, but the American politicians turn out to be armed to the teeth with pistols and rifles. They eventually send the British and the Indians fleeing from the assembly.)
Vince: (picks up the Declaration) Wait a minute… Nykk? Cheesecake? Croooooow? What kind of names are these?
Croooooow: Uh oh. Run you guys!
(The PPV Squad flees the building.)
Vince: If they weren't our New Jersey representatives, what happened to the real ones?
Brisco: Should we find them so they can sign?
Vince: It's New Jersey. Who cares?
(The PPV Squad runs back to the TimeTron.)
Croooooow: I'll drive! (he dives in)
Y2Jay: Shotgun!
Huh: Shotgun!
Nykk: Shotgun!
Y2Jay: No way. I called shotgun first.
Nykk: Bullsh-t. I did.
(The three get into a wrestling match over who gets to ride shotgun.)
Cheesecake: Will you hurry your asses up? There's probably some angry politicians wondering who we were coming after us.
(They finally get into the TimeTron and Croooooow presses the 'GO' button. After a bright flash of light, the TimeTron disappears into time. After a few minutes, they end up at their next destination, in the middle of a desert.)
Nykk: Where are we now?
Croooooow: Ancient Egypt, 1505 BC.
Huh: We're in Canada!? Oh crap!
Cheesecake: BC stands for Before Christ, not British Columbia, Nathan. And I can't believe we left colonial Philadelphia without a memento of that time period.
Huh: What are you talking about? I snagged this.
(He holds up the Constitution.)
Nykk: You STOLE the Constitution?
Huh: Yeah. So?
Croooooow: Well, it's not like it's the WORST thing we've ever done. What should we take from here?
(A bunch of angry Egyptians surround the TimeTron.)
Cheesecake: Well, what now?
Nykk: I have an idea. Jim, do you still have your costume from that MCW show?
Croooooow: No, no, no, no, and hell no!
(A few minutes later, Croooooow comes out of the TimeTron wearing his "Anubis" outfit. The Egyptians all bow.)
Egyptians: (chanting) Re! Re! Re!
(They feed and clothe the PPV Squad in rich Egyptian garments. A man sits down in front of Croooooow and begins to draw his face.)
Croooooow: What are you doing?
Sukhmet: I'm drawing your likeness on this papyrus so that we may build a monument in your honor, great Sun God.
Huh: Hand me some more food!
(He reaches over to take a plate from one of the servants and accidentally hits Croooooow right in the face.)
Croooooow: Ow! My nose!
(Sukhmet scratches out the nose on his drawing. Suddenly, the sky grows dark and a circular object hovers over the TimeTron.)
Nykk: Aliens! I knew it!
Voice: (from the UFO's PA system) Testing, testing… (static) Can everyone hear me? Good people of Egypt, do not be fooled by these false deities! Cast out these intruders or we, the true gods, will destroy your cities.
(The people of Egypt start to mutter angrily. Nykk, sensing that the Egyptians would soon attack, jumps up on the table and waves a rock he found.)
Nykk: Ha! Do you know what this is?
Croooooow: If Mark were here, he'd say, "A rock."
Nykk: Wrong! It's a double-edged light saber!
(The Egyptians look confused.)
Cheesecake: I think you're going to have to explain it.
Nykk: It's simple. Indestructible light will shoot out of each end of this handle.
(He waves it around threateningly, but accidentally tosses it into the air. It hits the UFO, managing to hit just the right spot.)
Voice: (static) Danger, danger! All systems failing!
(The UFO crashes into a pyramid, flinging debris everywhere. An ornate mummy tomb lands right next to Croooooow.)
Croooooow: (grabs the mummy and drags it into the TimeTron) We should be going now.
(They dive into the TimeTron just as the Egyptians start throwing sand at them.)
Y2Jay: Why aren't we moving?
Croooooow: The engine takes a minute to restart. If they throw much more sand, they'll clog it and we won't be able to take off at all!
(Finally, the engine sputters to life and they blast off into time and space.)
Y2Jay: Whew… right in the nick of time.
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(The engine starts to stall and lights start flashing on and off.)
Croooooow: Uh oh… looks like the sand did more damage than I thought. We'll have to make a crash landing.
(They flash back into time. They're flying over a modern-looking city. The TimeTron engine finally dies and they plunge into an office building. The TimeTron falls to the sidewalk.)
Cheesecake: Ugh. Everyone all right?
(He gets four more "Ughs" from different parts of the cabin. A man in a suit runs out of the building and looks in the broken windshield.)
Man: Look what you did to my building! Who the hell are you?
Nykk: We're the PPV Squad. Sorry about that. We acquired a lot of build-up in the Egyptian Empire. Who are you?
Man: I'm Vince McMahon.
Cheesecake: No you're not.
Vince: Yes I am. I'm Vincent J. McMahon, chairman of the World Wide Wrestling Federation.
Croooooow: He's right. The monitor says we landed in Stamford, CT in 1960.
Vince: Look, I need you off my sidewalk.
Y2Jay: Well, we kind of have a problem. Our time machine won't start.
Vince: (hands Nykk a business card) Have it towed here. He's the best mechanic in Stamford.
Nykk: (reading) Zoo Company Auto Repairs. All right.
Croooooow: He does time machines?
Vince: Yeah. For some reason, this is a popular vacation spot for people from the future.
(A tow truck is summoned and the TimeTron is towed to Zoo Company Auto Repairs. A black-haired greaser that looks a lot like John Travolta comes out to meet them.)
Man: Ay, yo, is this the time machine that Vinny told me about?
Croooooow: Yeah. Is this Zoo Co.?
Zoo: Yeah, I'm Randy Zoo. Pleased to meetcha.
(The TimeTron is towed into the shop.)
Y2Jay: Look, something's been bothering me since we started this mission. Mr. Zoo, is there any way you could make this machine go faster?
Zoo: Yeah, I can make this thing go light speed if you want.
Y2Jay: (drooling) Yes, I want.
Zoo: Why, this time machine is automatic… systematic…. it's hy-y-y-ydromatic… why it's Speed Lightin'! Y2Jay: Speed Lightin'?
(The music to Greased Lightnin' starts up.)
Zoo: (singing) We'll get some blast off propellers
And two or three escape pods, oh yeah!
Y2Jay: Keep talkin', whoa keep talkin'!
Zoo: Disease reflection put-offs
To prevent the pox, oh yeah!
Y2Jay: I'll get the money! I'll kill to get the money!
Zoo: After Christ and not Before, or the French and Indian War,
You know that ain't the pits, you'll be meetin' Huns and Brits
While Speed Lightin'
PPV Squad: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Zoo: Go Speed Lightin', you're burnin' the Continuum!
PPV Squad: Speed Lightin'! Go Speed Lightin'!
Zoo: Go Speed Lightin', you won't be stuck in a vacuum!
PPV Squad: Speed Lightin'! Go Speed Lightin'!
Zoo: Runs like a dream!
You'll conquer Crete
In Speed Lightin'!
PPV Squad: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Zoo: We'll get some photon lasers that'll make people swoon, oh yeah!
We'll clean out the cabin, and get that extra leg room, oh yeah!
With new cushions, plugs, and slots you can take off your socks!
You know that I ain't braggin', she could really slay a dragon
Speed Lightin'
PPV Squad: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Zoo: Go Speed Lightin', you're burnin' the Continuum!
PPV Squad Speed Lightin'! Go Speed Lightin'!
Zoo: Go Speed Lightin', you won't be stuck in a vacuum!
PPV Squad: Speed Lightin'! Go Speed Lightin'!
Zoo: Runs like a dream!
You'll conquer Crete
In Speed Lightin'!
(Several back-up mechanics come in to dance during the interlude. After about thirty seconds, the TimeTron is fixed and sparkles like brand new.)
Zoo: Go Speed Lightin', you're burnin' the Continuum!
PPV Squad: Speed Lightin'! Go Speed Lightin'!
Zoo: Go Speed Lightin', you won't be stuck in a vacuum!
PPV Squad: Speed Lightin'! Go Speed Lightin'!
Zoo: Runs like a dream!
You'll conquer Crete
In Speed Lightin'
PPV Squad: Lightin', lightin', lightin',
Lightin', lightin', lightin',
Liiiiightin'!
(The song ends.)
Zoo: So whaddya think?
Croooooow: Wow, it looks great! How much will it cost us?
Zoo: (thinking) I'd say around the neighborhood of about… forty bucks. But you's guys sang with me, so I'll knock off five bucks for ya.
Huh: Thirty-five? That's it?
Nykk: Well, this IS 1960. We spend more than that on food at Steak 'n Shake.
Y2Jay: Not on my shift, you don't.
(Huh and Croooooow pay Randy Zoo since they always end up paying for EVERYTHING. Zoo gives them a few coins in change. They climb into the TimeTron.)
Zoo: See ya, guys! Tell your friends about Zoo Co.!
(The PPV Squad waves goodbye as Nykk hits the 'GO' button, sending the TimeTron out of 1960 and to its next destination.)
To Be Continued…