Cynric: In the last episode of the Adventures of the PPV Squad, the PPV Squad went to colonial America, where they signed the Constitution. Then Nathan promptly stole it… ahem… anyway, after a brief stop in Ancient Egypt, they ended up in Stamford, CT circa 1960 at the headquarters of the WWWF. The TimeTron needed fixed, so they did so by taking it to a greaser and singing a lot. Yep… still Officially Screwed.
(As the TimeTron rips through time, the PPV Squad sits in the revamped cockpit, testing out the new legroom.)
Croooooow: Now this is nice. We really will have to tell our friends about Zoo Co.
Cheesecake: That was the 60s. He's probably dead by now in our time.
(Huh doesn't have a line, so he farts.)
Nykk: (pressing the 'STOP' button.) Abort, abort!
(After a flash of light, the TimeTron is sitting in the middle of a garage. As they get out, they see themselves talking to Vince McMahon.)
Cheesecake: Wow. Are you guys our future selves?
Cheesecake: Yep. You guys are going to have quite an adventure.
Nykk: Wait… if you're really us, what number are we thinking of?
PPV Squad: 69, dudes!
PPV Squad: Whoa!
Y2Jay: (whispers) Crap.
Huh: Huh?
Y2Jay: Say goodbye, Nathan. We need to get out of here.
Huh: Well, we have to go.
(They start to get into the TimeTron.)
Y2Jay: You guys, we need to get going. My watch is wrong. We only have about eighteen hours left!
Nykk: Ah, Jay, you forgot to set your watch. And after you reminded yourself not to!
Y2Jay: Well, I better remind myself again. Jay! Don't forget to set your watch!
(Y2Jay looks down at his watch and nods in agreement. The PPV Squad gets into the TimeTron and Cheesecake presses the 'GO' button. They vanish into time and space.)
Croooooow: I was just thinking… unless it was Dusty, Vince, or The Big Show, one of us had to have run over Mark, right?
Nykk: I guess. What's your point?
Croooooow: Well, this person wouldn't want to be found out. So the logical thing to do would be to sabotage this mission so they weren't caught.
(The Squad eyes each other suspiciously.)
Cheesecake: You brought it up, Jim. Maybe you're trying to displace the suspicion from yourself onto one of us.
Nykk: Oh come on, Art, we all know it was you. You wanted Mark from Day One. What's the matter? Did he turn you down?
Cheesecake: I'm not REALLY gay, you idiot!
Huh: Besides, Nykk… if that IS your real name… your role as leader was being threatened by his charisma.
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nick! Wait… er… that is… what did you call me?
Y2Jay: Whatever. Anyway, Nathan was the one who screwed up the TimeTron.
Croooooow: But you're the worst driver, Jay… what were you doing, going to call work to tell them you wouldn't be in?
Nykk: So we've come full circle…
(They eye each other suspiciously again. Suddenly, there's a flash of light, and the TimeTron is sitting in a forest. They get out and walk around.)
Y2Jay: What time did the ship say, Jim? As if we can trust you.
Croooooow: England, 1131 AD, thank you very much.
(Suddenly, several figures drop from the trees dressed from head to toe in green. The leader resembles Triple H and approaches them.)
HHH: You've entered Sherwood Forest, home to Robin Hood Helmsley and his Merry Men!
Nykk: (sighs) I'm almost afraid to ask.
(Test, Kaientai, and William Regal stand beside him.)
Test: I'm Little Test, and that's William Scarlet.
William: Charmed.
Taka: (in a really bad dub) Fools! You have entered our forest and expect us to just let you through! It is impossible to get through our forest alive!
Croooooow: So we're stuck here for good?
Taka: Not quite. In typical dramatic fashion, you may have ONE slim chance, which I will reveal now. You must give us all your money because we are EEEEVVVIILLLL! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Funaki: InDEED!
Robin: (smacks Taka upside the head) No, you idiot! We need their money so that we can distribute it among the Underpushed! I have this friend named X-pac, and he…
Cheesecake: Look! We don't even live in this time period. Besides, I don't have a job so I don't have any money to give!
Robin: So you don't have any money either? Join us, and we'll put an end to the reign of Prince Show, and the Sheriff of Noddingcam!
Nykk: (shrugs) What the hell, we have an episode to kill.
Robin: Great. Follow me.
(They run back to Robin's secret forest base, where the other Merry Men are readying themselves.)
Croooooow: So what's the deal? What are we going to do?
Robin: We got this flyer the other day. It's about an archery tournament. I'm going to go and win it, though it's a trap.
Croooooow: (reads the flyer) Archery Tournament and other fun activities at the Castle Fairgrounds, a fortnight hence. Be prepared to vacate the premises promptly, as this is a trap for Robin Hood Helmsley…. shit, am I still writing!? Dammit!
Robin: Also, I plan to win the love of Maid Stephanie.
Test: Heh heh, I had her a time or two last winter!
William: Really a buxom wench, isn't she?
Taka: I have also tasted the vivacious fruits of the one they call Maid Stephanie!
Funaki: InDEED!
Robin: Shut up! Anyway, what were your names?
Nykk: We're the PPV Squad! I'm Nykk, and the rest are Croooooow, Cheesecake, Huh, and Y2Jay.
Robin: All right, when the trap is sprung, you guys provide the distraction.
Y2Jay: Got it!
Robin: I'll introduce you to some of the other guys.
(He brings them over to a campfire where Tazz and Faarooq are roasting marshmallows.)
Tazz: So I told 'im, "'Ay! A plague on yo' mama!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Faarooq: You startin' to annoy me, foo'! Don't make me break a tankard over yo' ass!
Robin: This is Faarooq. I saved his life in the Crusades and he's pledged to fight for me. The other one is Friar Tazz, who was originally with Prince Show. But they wouldn't let him fight anymore, so he came to us.
Nykk: Uh, so what exactly are we supposed to do at this tournament?
Robin: Just improvise.
Croooooow: Wait. We can't stay here a fortnight. We only have eighteen hours left before the TimeTron self-destructs.
Robin: Don't worry, that paper was circulated a fortnight ago. We're leaving right now!
(The Squad still eyes each other suspiciously as they set out with Robin, William, Taka, Funaki, Faarooq, Test and Tazz. They all enter disguised as past gimmicks.)
Robin: (in his Hunter Hearst Helmsley robes) Follow me, men.
(He is followed by A Real Man's Man Steven Regal, Faarooq Asad and Tazz the Human Suplex Machine. Kaientai and Test hang back with the PPV Squad.)
Y2Jay: So when does this start?
Test: They're lining up the archers now.
Cheesecake: Why do they call this place Noddingcam anyway?
(Test points to various cameramen walking around filming people who are oblivious to their presence.)
Taka: (pointing) Look, there goes our friend Robin now!
Funaki: InDEED!
(The archery tournament begins. After a few shots, only Robin and a few others are left. All of a sudden, The Big Show stands up, wearing kingly robes and a crown.)
Big Show: AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!
(The Big Bossman stands next to him.)
Bossman: Prince Show says that that there snob is none other than Robin Hood Helmsley! Seize him!
Croooooow: (smacks Nykk) You idiot, the Bossman is one of the Underpushed!
Nykk: Hey, it was the only sheriff I could think of!
(Several guards run out and capture Robin.)
Robin: Now!
Test: That's your cue. Go!
(The PPV Squad runs out before the Prince.)
PPV Squad: We're a distraction, we're a distraction!
Bossman: What the…? Hey Show, look at that! I haven't seen something this strange since I strapped your daddy's coffin to my horse and rode off into the sunset with it!
Big Show: Uh?
Robin: Now, men! Attack!
(The Merry Men leap out of the crowd to Robin's side and charge.)
Cheesecake: Aha! I know who did it!
Nykk: I told you once, it wasn't me!
Croooooow: How did you know he was going to say it was you?
Nykk: Whaddya mean by dat? You sayin' I'm stupid enough to admit my guilt like that, is dat it?
Croooooow: No, I'm not sayin' dat. I'm just sayin' that you need to quit jumpin' ta conclusions is all.
Y2Jay: So yer sayin' he's some kinda track star, who has to jump great distances to prove his point, is dat it?
PPV Squad: Dat's it! Come 'ere!
(A brawl erupts amongst the PPV Squad members just as Robin and his men attack. They end up tripping over the PPV Squad's fight and the guards seize all of them.)
Robin: Nice going. Now who will save us?
Big Show: AAAAGGGHHHH!
Bossman: Prince Show says that you must all…
Taka: Prepare to DIEEEE!
Bossman: Well now you've gone took all the fun outta it. Prepare to die!
Test: Look! It's the King!
Bossman: (turns around) What?
K-Kwik: Oh you didn't know? Raise your arms and scream loudly! Medieval England and King Kwik are gettin' rowdy!
(K-Kwik's theme comes out of nowhere as K-Kwik and many soldiers rush into the stands.)
Croooooow: Where the hell's that music coming from?
K-Kwik: We're gettin' rowdy! Gonna move some things!
Gettin' rowdy! Say 'Move some things!'
Come on, come on, gettin' rowdy!
(The fight stops and everyone looks at the king.)
Bossman: Crap! The king has returned!
K-Kwik: Good Lord! Let the Overpushed know we're about to get rowdy!
You didn't know? You betta ask somebody!
Sheriff and the Prince, they will fall.
No damn doubt about it, King Kwik the top dog!
We're gettin' rowdy! Gonna move some things!
Kwik the real King gonna grab your chain!
Check it out, realize I'm all that,
Step your ass up and get your hat rack cracked!
Put your hands up, toss 'em around
Cause I'm the only G with the real-ass crown!
Come on, gettin' rowdy!
(Prince Show and the Bossman are quickly apprehended and arrested.)
Nykk: Guys, this is weird even for us. Let's get out of here!
Cheesecake: I don't know. I think I want to try some freestyle before we leave.
Y2Jay: Yeah. Let's get rowdy, Art!
(They walk up to dance alongside King Kwik.)
K-Kwik: Gettin' rowdy! Move some things!
King Kwik gives you leave to sing loudly!
Y2Jay: PPV Squad, travelin' through time
Investigating the perpetrator of a heinous crime
Thanks to Nathan, we can't get back,
Wish that Dusty were here to give him a smack!
Cheesecake: Bustin' out humor for humor's sake,
Rappin' on the grounds, Y2Jay and Cheesecake!
Steppin' up to the task, though our future is cloudy,
King Kwik and the PPV Squad gettin' rowdy!
Huh: Aren't we overdoing it with the song parodies?
Nykk: Nah, song parodies never get old.
(Cheesecake starts to do the Macarena.)
Nykk: Okay, that's it!
(Nykk, Croooooow, and Huh pull Cheesecake and Y2Jay away from King Kwik and lead them back to the TimeTron.)
Y2Jay: Sorry. I don't know what came over us.
Croooooow: That's okay. Next time, we'll mercifully kill you if you start rapping again.
Cheesecake: Thanks.
Nykk: Do we have our memento for this time period?
Huh: (holds up an arrow) I grabbed this arrow.
Nykk: Good enough.
(Croooooow hits the 'GO' button and the TimeTron vanishes into time and space.)
Nykk: What's that?
(A monitor drops down in front of them and several loud explosions can be heard.)
Croooooow: WHAT HAPPEN?
Nykk: SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB!
Cheesecake: WE GET SIGNAL!
Croooooow: WHAT!
Cheesecake: MAIN SCREEN TURN ON.
(The monitor turns on and an evil-looking alien stares at them.)
Croooooow: IT'S YOU!
CATS: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN!! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US. YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION.
Croooooow: WHAT YOU SAY!!
CATS: YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME. HA HA HA HA…
(The TimeTron's engine explodes as Croooooow presses the 'STOP' button. The PPV Squad is flung out of the time machine and onto the street.)
Croooooow: Crap. I didn't get a chance to see what time we're in.
Nykk: It doesn't matter. The TimeTron's destroyed. We're stuck!
Huh: Huh?
Cheesecake: All right, don't panic.
(He looks at the flaming wreckage of the TimeTron.)
Cheesecake: AAAAAAAHHHHH!
(The PPV Squad starts yelling hysterically and runs down a dark road. They end up in front of a tall, glass building.)
Y2Jay: What gives? Is that Titan Tower?
Nykk: I think so. But look at the sky! Why is everything so dark?
Cheesecake: We must be somewhere in the future.
(They walk into the building and see a receptionist sitting at the desk.)
Nykk: Excuse me, lady, but can you tell us what year it is?
Receptionist: You don't know what year it is?
Nykk: Would I be asking you if I did?
Receptionist: It's the year 2050. Welcome to Titan Tower, headquarters of the World World Federation.
Croooooow: The World World Federation?
Receptionist: Let me guess… you're from the past, but you wrecked your time machine and have no clue what's happened.
Croooooow: Yeah. Can we see whoever's in charge?
Receptionist: That would be Vince McMahon.
Nykk: That's impossible! Vince would be long dead by now.
Receptionist: You'd think so, wouldn't you? The world couldn't do without its ruler, so he devised a way to preserve his body.
Cheesecake: Vince McMahon rules the world?
Receptionist: Yes.
Y2Jay: Can we please see him?
Receptionist: Who are you?
Nykk: We're the PPV Squad!
(The receptionist's eyes bug out and she reaches for her phone, frantically dialing numbers.)
Receptionist: Mr. McMahon? The time has come.
(The Squad members all stare at each other quizzically. Elevator doors open, and Edge and Christian walk up to them.)
Christian: You are SO coming with us!
(The Squad follows them into the elevator. They go to the top floor, where there is a huge antechamber. On a throne sits Vince McMahon himself.)
Nykk: Vince. You have to give us another time machine!
Vince: I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you've arrived in this time. I've been waiting for this day. Seize them!
(About twenty Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco clones enter and apprehend a surprised PPV Squad.)
Croooooow: What's going on?
Vince: (with a crazy look in his eye) It was ME, Croooooow! It was me ALL ALONG, Croooooow!
Croooooow: You ran over my brother?
Vince: No, but I seized the opportunity to send you away with a faulty time machine!
Nykk: Hold on. I have a few questions.
Vince: Well I wouldn't be a good supervillain if I didn't provide every answer you need to thwart me, now would I?
Nykk: How did you take over the world?
Vince: With you people out of my way, I was freed from participating in your stupid Episodes. This allowed me to get back to being evil. Eventually, the United Nations tried to deal with me. You saw the sky, right? I don't remember who struck first, us or them, but I do know that it was us who scorched the sky. I never should have given Dusty access to nuclear weapons.
(A sixty-eight year old Hardcore Hamster walks out of an adjacent room.)
Hamster: I oughta smack all a'ya!
Y2Jay: Dusty! You HELPED him with this?
Hamster: With you guys gone, it got pretty boring. And he offered me lots of fire and explosions.
Nykk: So the seventy-two hour thing was a lie?
Vince: Yes. By the way, my evil plan now is to taint the memory of you while you watch. With the aid of my secret weapons!
(Five hooded figures pull off their robes to reveal replicas of the PPV Squad.)
PPV Squad: How's it going, dudes?
(They pull off their faces, revealing robotic faces.)
Vince: These are automatons, furnished with my design! Now, what is your mission?
Nykk: First, we totally run over Cynric.
Croooooow: Then we take over the PPV Squad's lives.
Y2Jay: Then we utterly destroy them.
Huh: Then we eat bacon!
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Croooooow) Shut Nathan up!
Huh: I mean…. we write the Episodes they were gonna write except totally different!
Vince: And thus their destiny is thwarted.
Nykk: Don't tell us, duder! You programmed us!
Croooooow: He's totally a robot!
Cheesecake: So are you, dude!
Croooooow: We're total metalheads!
Vince: Do shut up.
(The PPV Squad replicants get into a white car.)
Nykk: Catch you later, evil dude!
(They start the engine and vanish into time and space.)
Croooooow: What kind of monster are you, Vince?
Vince: Well, I was working in the lab late one night…
Nykk: Never mind! Where do we go from here?
Vince: I extend my authority to the far reaches of the galaxy. You five get to rot in a prison cell. Take them away!
To Be Continued…