Cynric: (narrating) When we last left the PPV Squad… so very long ago… the TimeTron broke and put them in the future where Vince McMahon rules the world. They were imprisoned while Vince sent automaton PPV Squad members back to the present to run over me and ruin the PPV Squad's (lack of) online reputation. I'm so screwed it's not even funny.
(The PPV Squad is sitting in a holding cell at Titan Tower, with Edge and Christian standing guard outside the door. Y2Jay is sitting by the wall looking bored, Nykk is staring out the barred window, Croooooow is sitting on the cell's one bed, and Huh has fallen asleep on top of Cheesecake.)
Cheesecake: I don't mean to yell but… WOULD SOMEONE GET THIS FAT F--CK OFF ME!?
Croooooow: Why? After awhile, he'll waste away from lack of food and you'll be able to get him off yourself.
(Y2Jay stands up and walks to the door.)
Y2Jay: Can we go now?
Christian: You are SO not leaving.
Edge: He's totally right. Mr. McMahon said that you had to stay here for the rest of your lives, and Vince will never change is mind.
Christian: Hard-headed stubbornication rules!
Edge: Yeah!
(They high five.)
Vince: Okay, let 'em out!
(The door opens and Vince McMahon faces the PPV Squad.)
Nykk: Vince! You're actually going to let us go?
Vince: Not exactly. You're going to be my guinea pigs for a new sport.
Cheesecake: What sport? You mean the XFL?
Vince: Don't EVER mention that name again! This sport is a fight to the death. Sometimes you'll fight other people; sometimes you'll fight animals. It's an entirely new concept.
Y2Jay: It's the exact same thing as gladiators in ancient Rome.
Vince: But it's gladiating with attitude! I call it the XFL!
Huh: But you just said…
Vince: It stands for the X-treme Fighting League! Got it?
Huh: I don't get it.
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Vince) Shut Nathan up!
Vince: Gladly.
(He pulls a taser out of his coat pocket and zaps Huh, who falls to the ground writhing and twitching.)
Croooooow: So… extreme fighting, you say?
Vince: Hey, I'm the one asking the questions pal! So do you have any questions?
Nykk: I have one.
Vince: Well what is it?
Nykk: Hey, I thought I was asking the question.
Vince: No, I'm asking the questions. Now what's your question?
Nykk: Does this count as my question?
Vince: No.
Nykk: I thought you were asking the questions! Why did you just make a statement?
Vince: Uh… question this!
(He zaps Nykk with the taser.)
Vince: Just for that, you two are going first!
(Vince, Edge and Christian take the PPV Squad to an arena somewhere in the new and improved Titan Tower. About ten thousand fans are in attendance. An obscenely obese, yet familiar figure in a cowboy hat sits a ways into the rafters in his private box, surrounded by an entourage.)
Croooooow: Is that Jim Ross? Why is he so fat?
Vince: We warned him, but he just couldn't help himself.
Edge: He totally ate Mark Henry and Billy Gunn!
(Y2Jay and Cheesecake high five.)
Y2Jay: Yes!
Cheesecake: Whoo-hoo!
Vince: He's doing the announcing to get this thing off the ground. Say hello to Good 'Ol JR the Hutt!
JR: Veetcha hwankee PPV Squad! (At last we have the mighty PPV Squad!)
Y2Jay: Hey, JR! Where's X-pac? Did you eat him too?
JR: Peetcha wan tchi coch bah taung num me dook tchankee troi. X-pac foh toobankai tcha ya. (I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like X-pac where he is.)
(He points to the end of the arena where X-pac's form is hanging from the rafters encased in some kind of stone block.)
Cheesecake: They've encased him in carbonite!
Vince: No, we found out that this is what Hansen's does to you. Thank God X-pac was the only person to ever drink any.
Nykk: (waking up) What happened?
Huh: Huh?
Vince: All right, you two are in the first fight. Get in there!
(He shoves them into the pit, while the fans cheer them on.)
JR: Ho, ho, ho! Yoka horse poodoo! (You're horse fodder.)
(The rusty old gate on the opposite side of the arena opens and the ground starts to shake with the great beast's footsteps. Nykk and Huh gasp as it comes into view.)
Huh: It's…
Nykk: The Stay-Puft Mabel Man!
(A thirty foot tall, thirty foot wide Mabel, complete in King Mabel attire, stalks his way toward them, his gold teeth shining as he smiles.)
Nykk: Nathan, for once in your life, could you please have a good idea for getting out of this?
Huh: Uh… attack his feet?
Nykk: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Mabel: Ha, ha, ha… you have met your match, PPV Squad. Now hold still while I wander around… aimlessly.
(Mabel starts to wander randomly about the arena.)
Nykk: I've got an idea. This is my story, so I'll just use my Matrix powers to kick his ass!
Huh: Good idea!
(Nykk runs over to Mabel and takes a big leap. Unfortunately, the camera does not stop him and rotate, and Nykk flails his arms helplessly as he careens toward Mabel.)
Nykk: Oh sh-t!
(Mabel nonchalantly smacks him with one hand, sending him flying across the arena. Just before Nykk hits the wall, the camera stops and rotates. It stops and Nykk's back slams into the wall.)
Huh: Are you all right, Nykk?
Nykk: (still stuck in the wall) No…
(Mabel picks up Huh and encloses him in his fist.)
Mabel: Well, what do we have here?
(Huh belches in his face.)
Mabel: God! What have you been eating, boy?
(He drops Huh, who lands on Mabel's foot. Mabel's eyes glaze over in pain and he reaches down to hold his foot.)
Nykk: Well I'll be damned.
Croooooow: Nykk! Nathan!
(He tosses the string he always conveniently carries in his pocket down to them. Nykk and Huh get the clue and each grab an end. They run in opposite directions, wrapping it around Mabel's legs. He eventually loses his balance and topples over. They turn victoriously to see the crowd roaring with laughter.)
Nykk: Oh great, we were the comedy act.
(Edge and Christian come to help them out of the pit while a small army pushes out Mabel.)
Cheesecake: Can we go now?
Vince: Not yet. The rest of you have to fight.
(He, Edge and Christian push Cheesecake, Croooooow and Y2Jay into the pit.)
Y2Jay: Great. Who are we facing, the Arm & Hammer logo?
(The gate opens and a man, who looks mysteriously like the Rock emerges. He has long hair and is dressed in ancient-looking clothing.)
Croooooow: Aah! It's the Scorpion King!
Nykk: (to Vince) How did you get a fictional character working for you?
Vince: Actually, it really is the Rock. Who knew he'd grow so attached to that character to the point where he'd actually become him?
Rock: Finally, the Scorpion King HAS COME BACK to conquer Stamford!
Cheesecake: Rock?
Rock: Do not call me by that name anymore! Know that you three now have a date with the Scorpion King!
Croooooow: We do?
Rock: I will bitchslap you all the way to the Smackdown Hotel on the corner of Know Your Role Blvd. and Jabronie Drive, where I will proceed to layeth the smacketh down on ALLL your candy asses… if YA SMELLLLL what the KING is cookin'!
(He raises an eyebrow as the Rock's theme music plays.)
Croooooow: Where the hell's that music coming from?
Cheesecake: All three of us at once? That'th th'o kinky!
Y2Jay: Guys, I don't wanna date the Rock…
Croooooow: No one's dating the Rock! We just need to figure out a way to neutralize him.
Cheesecake: (points) Look, a big distracting thing!
Rock: Please, you think someone on the level of the Scorpion King is gonna fall for a cheap trick like that? I have Anubis himself looking out for me!
(However, Mabel has come out into the arena again, looking for Huh and Nykk. He heads straight into the Scorpion King's path.)
Rock: Aaaah!
(He starts to run but has to dive out of the way of Mabel's charge. Fans everywhere are exiting the building in a panic, including Vince, Edge and Christian.)
Vince: He's loose! It's every man for himself, just like the Royyyal Rrrrrumble, this Sunday on pay-per-view!
Croooooow: Let's get out of here!
(They climb out of the fighting area to where Nykk and Huh are and hurry up the rafters. However, JR the Hutt is moved out to block their path.)
JR: Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! PPV Squad doh kahn kee koh. Youpahn chun aripah. (The PPV Squad is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive.)
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
(He punches JR right in his massive gut and gets his hand stuck. The rest of the Squad pulls him out, and the vibration goes up and down JR's whole body, making him shake like a bowlful of jelly. The seventy year old Hardcore Hamster rushes down to them.)
Hamster: Psst… guys. This way.
Nykk: Run!
(They run away, while the Scorpion King goes and kneels before JR.)
JR: Udda ma PPV Squad chun Hardcore Hamster! La wan val koosa du krista walan! (Bring me the PPV Squad and the Hardcore Hamster! They will all pay for this outrage!)
Rock: As you command.
(He runs after them. The vibrating starts to get really bad, and JR vibrates right out of his seat, bouncing down into the pit to collide with Mabel. They shoot to opposite sides of the arena to crash into the walls. The building starts to collapse. Meanwhile, the Hamster leads the PPV Squad out of the arena.)
Hamster: I recovered all of your stuff from the wrecked time machine. I don't know what you're gonna do with it, but if you don't take it offa my hands, I'll smack ya!
Croooooow: Fine.
Nykk: Wait. I have an idea.
Y2Jay: I hope this is better than your last one.
(The Hamster takes them to his quarters where they pick up all the stuff they collected.)
Hamster: Here he comes!
(The Scorpion King makes his way up the stairs. Croooooow suddenly appears at the top and wings the box of letters at him. The Scorpion King brushes it away like it was nothing, but Croooooow has already grabbed the cutlass.)
Croooooow: Come on!
(The Scorpion King draws a wicked-looking, curved sword.)
Croooooow: Sh-t.
(He runs away, but Cheesecake is already waiting. He folds the Constitution up into a paper airplane and lets it fly. It goes directly to the Scorpion King and pokes him in the eye.)
Rock: Ow! That still won't stop me!
(He advances on them, but Huh dumps the coins from 1960 in his path and the Scorpion King trips and falls.)
Rock: And here's the Scorpion King, lying flat on his back with no one to cover him! Playtime's over, monkey asses!
(He gets up and the PPV Squad runs away, turning a corner. The Scorpion King walks over to find the arrow pointing to the left with a sign above it saying 'PPV Squad This Way.')
Rock: A sign from the gods!
(The path takes him to a dead end, and he turns around, furious. He goes the other way but finds Nykk waiting with an object under a cover.)
Nykk: Didn't think any of that would stop you. But you gave me time to get our trump card!
(He pulls the cover off, revealing a mummy.)
Rock: Imhotep! The Scorpion King's mortal enemy!
(He lashes out at it as Nykk runs away. The Hardcore Hamster takes them to his Monte Carlo, which is parked in a garage.)
Hamster: I had this revamped a few years back. It's a time machine now. Take it and go back to stop those robots.
Huh: What about you?
Hamster: I've lived a full life of destruction, cruelty and malice. I'll gladly go out fighting one last great battle.
Nykk: Thanks, Dusty! We'll say hi to your younger self for you.
Hamster: Go now, or I'll smack ya!
(He gets a can of lighter fluid and pours it on his hand just as the Scorpion King enters the garage. He lights his hand on fire and advances.)
Hamster: Flaming Smack!
(The PPV Squad gets into the car with Y2Jay at the driver's seat. He turns the key in the ignition and Nykk sets the date to the day they left. The car takes off and vanishes into time and space.)
Croooooow: So how are we going to beat these guys when we get back?
Nykk: The same way they tried to beat us. Vehicular homicide. Think you can manage to kill us, Jay?
Y2Jay: Sure thing, Nick.
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(They appear in the Mid-South Coliseum Parking Garage at about seventy miles per hour. They see the automaton PPV Squad on the other side of a row of cars, speeding along.)
Cheesecake: There they are! Kill us now, Jay!
Y2Jay: All right!
(He makes a sharp right and plows right through the row of cars, somehow gaining height in the process. They plunge into the other PPV Squad's car like a missile, sending them careening into another row of cars and blowing up.)
Croooooow: Yeah! We got 'em!
(Y2Jay stops the car and they get out, looking at the damage. All of a sudden, a blue portal opens, and Vince McMahon steps out.)
Vince: You think you won? I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! Nobody gets the best of Vince McMahon!
(He pulls out a gatling gun and aims it at them.)
Croooooow: Okay… what do we do now? We don't have any time!
Nykk: Yeah we do, Jim. After we get away from this guy, we use the Monte Carlo. We travel back to before this incident and set up the things we need to get him now.
Cheesecake: Yeah. Like a STOP! sign.
(Everyone looks up and a STOP! sign that was tied to the ceiling breaks loose and falls to land on Vince's hand, forcing him to drop the gun.)
Y2Jay: And then we'll get a cage!
(They look up again and a cage that was also tied to the ceiling falls around Vince, trapping him within.)
Huh: And a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese!
(A pizza box falls right into Huh's hands. They all look at him and he shrugs.)
Nykk: Why is everything falling from the ceiling?
Vince: My friends… I too can play the time game. After I have vanquished you, I will travel back in time and set up this key!
(He holds up a skeleton key and unlocks the cage with it.)
Vince: And another gun!
(Another gun appears in his hand. The PPV Squad doesn't look concerned as he smiles evilly at them. He pulls the trigger and a flag flies out of the barrel. It unfolds, reading 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us!')
Croooooow: Yeah, but there's one thing you didn't think of!
Nykk: Only the winners are going to be able to go back and set things up.
Y2Jay: And that's gonna be us, dude.
Nykk: We set up the key… and we set up the gun!
(Vince throws the gun to the floor in an outrage.)
Vince: Dammit, why can't I ever beat you? You people refuse to job just like X-pac!
(The PPV Squad stops smiling and get outraged looks on their faces.)
Nykk: All right, that does it!
(He runs at Vince and leaps into the air. He freezes and the camera rotates to the opposite side. He then kicks Vince in the chest, sending him back into the cage and slamming the door shut.)
Huh: What should we do with him?
Croooooow: For comparing us to X-pac? We go back and set up us the bomb!
(A few sticks of dynamite drop from the ceiling.)
Y2Jay: This one's on me, guys.
(He takes out his Zippo lighter and lights the dynamite.)
Y2Jay: Run! Now!
(They get into the Monte Carlo and drive away. From inside his cage, Vince leans out at them.)
Vince: I may be done for, but here's a lovely parting gift! I'm gonna pop my skull out at you!
(His skull suddenly shoots out of his head straight at the departing car.)
Vince: Unnnnn-beeeee-lievable!
(The skull lands on top of the trunk.)
Nykk: This can't be good…
Vince: 3… 2… 1! He got him, no he didn't!
(The skull explodes, taking out a good portion of the rear of the car.)
Y2Jay: We're outta control!
(Their car spins around a few times and then somersaults over another row of cars. They land going about fifty, and drive straight down the path.)
Huh: Watch out!
(Cynric is directly in their path and gets swept onto the hood. He falls off as they speed away.)
Nykk: Well how about that? It was us all along.
Y2Jay: Now what do we do?
Huh: I'm hungry. Let's get burgers.
Y2Jay: Okay.
(They go to a burger joint elsewhere in Memphis. They return to the garage just in time to see the TimeTron vanish. They drive up to Vince.)
Vince: I thought you guys just left.
Croooooow: We're back, but Nykk took so long to write the episodes that it's been months. Could you meet us back here in about six months?
Vince: Okay.
(They set the date and vanish into time and space. When they appear, they see Vince standing in the same spot. They stop the car and get out.)
Vince: Well?
Croooooow: You're off the hook, Vince, but we still found out about your plans to make us disappear. We know you intend to take over the world.
Vince: Well, this puts us at a dilemma.
Nykk: But first, fill us in on what's been happening. Where's Lawler?
Vince: Lawler? I fired his wife so he quit.
Croooooow: Lawler quit!? That's big news. Aren't you afraid he'll go to WCW?
Vince: It doesn't matter now, because I bought WCW.
(They stare at him with wide eyes.)
Cheesecake: Wow. Next thing you'll tell us is that Austin turned heel.
(Vince shrugs his shoulders.)
PPV Squad: Holy crap!
Huh: Huh?
Vince: Still, we must reach some kind of deal.
Nykk: You know what we want. It's what we've always wanted. A spot on the WWF roster.
Vince: Fine, I'll give you a chance at a spot.
Y2Jay: A chance?
Vince: We have to do this with all the guys, just like in the storylines. It's a World Wrestling Federation tradition to prove yourselves worthy.
Y2Jay: Oh, okay.
Vince: (under his breath) Morons…
Huh: So when do we start?
Vince: You'll get your assignment this Monday. Just remember to not be late!
Nykk: All right, you can count on us.
Croooooow: Looks like we can finally go home.
(They get in their car and drive back to Bellbrookville, where Cynric has made a full recovery.)
Croooooow: Sorry about running you over, bro.
Cynric: That's okay. At least you guys tried to do the right thing.
Cheesecake: Where to now?
Nykk: The Internet, to get plane tickets. We're going to have a busy schedule ahead of us.
Y2Jay: Just remember to not get them from USAir.
Nykk: Don't worry. I'll go to Continental's web site or maybe Delta. What could possibly go wrong?
The End