(It's a warm May morning as the PPV Squad stumbles into the Cincinnati Airport, looking like they're half dead.)
Croooooow: I told you we shouldn't have stayed up until 4:00 AM when we had a 6:30 flight!
Nykk: Why? You knew we'd just end up doing it anyway.
Huh: Guys, I'm hungry. Why couldn't we stop to get breakfast?
Y2Jay: Our plane leaves in two minutes, fatboy!
(They finally reach the Continental flight check-in and set down their bags. Nykk hands the receptionist the their tickets.)
Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, your flight left an hour ago.
PPV Squad: What!?
Receptionist: The flight's time was changed. Didn't you get our call?
Nykk: No… how could fate be so cruel?
Receptionist: Ha, ha, ha…
(The receptionist pulls off all the Continental signs and logos to reveal USAir underneath.)
Croooooow: Oh boy… this better be good.
Receptionist: You have been had by the most evil airline in the world… USAir!
Nykk: Yeah, we figured. That's why we booked a flight with Delta just in case, and I believe we'll be taking that flight, so uh… give us our refund.
(The receptionist grumbles at him and hands him some money.)
Cheesecake: Come on, let's go!
(They hurry over to Delta and finally make their plane. A few hours later, they arrive in Miami, Florida and take a cab to the golf course.)
Cynric: So what's our assignment down here anyway?
Nykk: Vince told us to show up as WWF representatives at the Sgt. Slaughter Celebrity Golf Invitational. I hear that the Hardys, Lita, Bradshaw, the Undertaker, Terri and others will be here too, along with stars from those other sports. Celebrities like Jermaine Jackson and Jacky Martling will be here as well.
Croooooow: Dangan. Who the hell's Jermaine Jackson?
Nykk: Beats me. Any of you guys know him?
(They all shrug indifferently.)
Cynric: Hey, there's the country club.
(They arrive at the golf course along with the other wrestlers and athletes. After a few minutes, they're waved over by Trish Stratus.)
Trish: Hi guys! You must be the PPV Squad. I'm Trish Stratus.
(They all eye her, not saying anything.)
Huh: Nykk says your breasts look abnormal.
(Trish gets a shocked look on her face.)
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Croooooow) Shut Nathan up!
Cynric: Don't pay any attention to him, Trish. Nathan's an idiot.
(Cheesecake's hand suddenly balls into a fist and starts shaking up and down.)
Trish: Why did your hand just do that?
Cheesecake: I don't know. That was odd.
Trish: Anyway, to prove your worth to Vince, you have to win this golf tournament.
Croooooow: Hmm… good thing Nykk and I took those golfing lessons back in the sixth grade.
Cynric: And when was the last time you actually went golfing?
Croooooow: Back in the sixth grade.
Cynric: We're screwed.
Y2Jay: Okay, so we have to win the invitational. Then we're in the WWF?
Trish: Well… Vince said yes.
Cynric: We're screwed!
Nykk: It'll work out. When's our tee time?
Huh: Tea? I'll have Brisk!
Trish: Nathan, you're an idiot!
(Cheesecake's hand balls into a fist and shakes up and down again.)
Trish: Be at the sixteenth hole at 10:45.
(She walks away.)
Cynric: I suppose we should find some caddies.
Nykk: I call Nathan!
Croooooow: Nathan!
Y2Jay: Nathan!
Cheesecake: Nathan!
Huh: Nathan!
(He looks around at everyone, whom have their gazes fixed on him.)
Huh: Oh…
(They get their official WWFE golf bags and hand them to Huh. They walk toward the sixteenth hole with Huh trailing behind. When they are gone, William Regal and Kurt Angle step out from behind a tree.)
Regal: Mr. McMahon has instructed us to not let these little toerags gain any momentum. With us throwing obstacles in their path, win this tournament they will not.
Angle: Oh it's true! It's true!
Regal: Which way does that statement go exactly? Are you saying that they have the capabilities to win this contest with us throwing obstacles in their path, or are you agreeing with me?
Angle: I don't know!
Regal: In any case, we should get to work.
Angle: It's true! It's true!
Regal: Stop that, you bloody miscreant.
(At the sixteenth hole, the PPV Squad prepares to tee off. Nykk goes first and addresses the ball. He takes a swing and the ball sails all of fifteen feet.)
Nykk: Hmm… a little more power, maybe?
Croooooow: Yeah, whatever. You just suck. It's my turn now.
(He puts his tee in the ground and sets the ball on top of it.)
Croooooow: I'll use the number three driver, Nathan.
(Nathan hands him a club.)
Croooooow: (sighs) Nathan, this is the number three wedge.
Huh: Sorry.
(He hands him another club.)
Y2Jay: That's a sand wedge, you moron.
Huh: Sandwich? What kind?
Croooooow: Driver, Nathan!
(He hands Croooooow another club.)
Nykk: Now you gave him the putter.
Cheesecake: This is just sad.
(While they're distracted by Huh's idiocy, Regal sneaks in and replaces Croooooow's ball with an exploding golf ball. Meanwhile, Huh has emptied out the bag trying to find the number three driver. Croooooow finally grabs it.)
Nykk: Freakin' finally!
(Croooooow lines up the driver and then swings. The ball bursts and a white powder spreads all over the place. The PPV Squad looks to the horizon.)
Cynric: Wow, you really smacked the sh-t out of that ball! Where did it go?
Croooooow: I don't know. I guess we'll find it when we get up there.
(The rest of the PPV Squad takes turns, but doesn't have too much luck getting a good drive. After a few minutes, they make it to the putting green.)
Nykk: Okay Nathan. Now we need putters.
Huh: Uh… I think I left them back at the start.
(Everyone groans.)
Croooooow: I still don't see my ball. I'll go look for it. You guys just go on ahead and I'll catch up later.
(He walks off in search of his ball. Meanwhile, the rest of the Squad finishes and moves on to the seventeenth hole.)
Nykk: We need some extra power. Jay, can I borrow your cell phone?
Y2Jay: Sure.
(He hands him the phone and Nykk dials a number. After a moment, the Hardcore Hamster walks out to them.)
Hamster: Someone need a smackin'?
Nykk: We're fine, Dusty. Listen, you think you could help us out with this golf game?
Hamster: Why the hell not?
(He walks away and returns with his golf clubs. He sets up a ball and then produces a can of lighter fluid, which he pours on his driver. He then lights it on fire.)
Hamster: Flaming Smack!
(He swings and his ball sails all the way down the fairway to come to a rest on the putting green.)
Cynric: That was pretty good, Dusty.
Hamster: It's all in the flames.
(They get down to the hole, where Dusty makes it in on his second shot.)
Cheesecake: What's the par on this hole?
Y2Jay: Five.
Nykk: An albatross!
Huh: (looks up) Where? I don't see anything.
(The Hardcore Hamster smacks Huh and points to Y2Jay in one motion.)
Hamster: You better get back soon. I've gotta cover your ass at work.
(He walks off and is gone. They move on to the eighteenth hole, where all goes normally until they get to the putting green.)
Voice: Fore!
Huh: (looks at his watch) Nope, it's only 11:19.
(A golf ball sails down and hits him on the head. He drops all the clubs he was lugging and slumps over. Matt Hardy runs over, with Jeff, Lita, Bradshaw, the Big Bossman and The Undertaker following.)
Matt: Sorry, man, but we did warn you. You guys mind if we play through?
Nykk: No, go right ahead.
(They step aside as they finish the hole. Jeff lines up his putt, but Bradshaw breaks a driver over his back, which causes Jeff to jerk forward and send the ball askew.)
Cheesecake: Is that allowed?
Lita: We're playing a game of X-treme Golf.
(She uses the flag as a pole vault to launch herself at Bradshaw, executing a hurricanrana.)
Undertaker: You guys wanna play?
Cynric: No, we're fine.
(The Bossman putts the ball, but Matt intercepts the ball with a wild swing from his driver. The ball flies up and hits the Bossman in the jaw.)
Y2Jay: Ouch!
(The Undertaker grabs the flag and starts hitting everyone with it. Matt tries to come to his friends' aid, but the Undertaker catches him and chokeslams him into the sandtrap. Meanwhile, Jeff and Bradshaw fight to the water trap. The Bossman tries to help Bradshaw by charging, but misses and they both go into the water. Jeff removes his shirt and hits his pose. He flies onto them with a Swanton Bomb.)
Undertaker: And that, my friends, is how we play golf in the WWF!
(The PPV Squad patiently waits for them to move on before finishing. Meanwhile, Croooooow is searching through a swampy area for his ball.)
Croooooow: Where could that damn thing be?
(He can hear his boots squishing through the muck until an audible "Ow!" is heard.)
Croooooow: What the…
(Scott Hall sits up in the swamp, having been trapped under tall grass. He looks hung over.)
Hall: (belches) Yo…
Croooooow: Oh great! What are you doing here?
Hall: Ohhh, mang… I don't know.
Croooooow: Well, I was trying to find my ball but I give up. You think you can help me find my friends?
Hall: I guess…
(He gets up and digs a golf cart out of the mud and gets on.)
Hall: Hop aboard, mang.
Croooooow: Why do I get the feeling I'm going to regret this?
(He gets on and they drive away. Meanwhile, the rest of the PPV Squad has gotten to the fifth hole. Cynric takes a swing and drives the ball a good distance. However, just before it hits the putting green, Angle runs out with a baseball glove and catches the ball. He throws it into the sand trap.)
Cynric: Shoot! That was a good drive too.
Huh: Uh… didn't you guys see some guy jump up, catch the ball and throw it in there?
Nykk: What are you talking about, Nathan? You're seeing things.
Y2Jay: You're also an idiot.
(Cheesecake's hand balls into a fist and shakes up and down.)
Cynric: Why do you keep doing that?
Cheesecake: It's not me! It feels like something's taking control of my hand.
Nykk: Nathan…
(Cheesecake's hand points at Huh.)
Nykk: Idiot?
(It balls into a fist and shakes up and down.)
Nykk: It seems to do that when we call Nathan an idiot.
Cynric: Let's worry about it later. Our jobs are at stake.
(They play until they get to the eleventh hole. Nykk takes a swing with his driver and hits it a good ways down the fairway.)
Y2Jay: Way to go, Nick!
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(When the ball lands, Regal appears and whacks it with a number five wedge. The ball sails back and lands about two feet from Nykk.)
Nykk: Crap!
Huh: Didn't you see…
Y2Jay: Nathan, quit making stuff up.
(They finish the hole and move on until arriving at the fifteenth.)
Nykk: Okay guys, this is our last hole. Let's make it good.
(Play goes as normal until they walk down the fairway. Kurt Angle is down on the ground holding his knee.)
Angle: Ow, my leg! It hurts!
(They rush over.)
Cynric: Kurt Angle? What happened?
Angle: Oh nothing. Nothing at all.
(He gets up.)
Angle: I just wanted to lure you over to reveal that Commissioner Regal and I have been sabotaging your game since the beginning!
Regal: (steps into view) That is correct. If you get into the WWF, certain people will find that unacceptable.
Angle: Nyah, nyah, nyah! What are you going to do about it?
(The PPV Squad is enraged.)
Nykk: Let's beat the sh-t out of them!
(Angle screams like a little girl and hides behind Regal.)
Regal: You bloody fool! They're just a bunch of wankers. We'll take them in the name of Queen Elizabeth!
Cheesecake: (to Regal) I'm going to hump you up your bum…
Y2Jay: …and kick your bloody ass!
Regal: Well don't just stand there man, run!
(They make a break for it, and the Squad pursues them. However, they jump into a waiting golf cart and speed away. At the same time, Croooooow rides toward the fifteenth hole with Scott Hall.)
Croooooow: Watch out!
(They slam into their fourth tree.)
Hall: Mang… these things are tough to drive. Hey, I don't suppose you own a wrestling promotion do you?
Croooooow: For the last time, NO! I can't get you a job!
(They're waved over by the PPV Squad.)
Nykk: Jim, we were set up! William Regal and Kurt Angle have been sabotaging our game!
Croooooow: Where did they go?
Y2Jay: They went off in a golf cart.
Croooooow: Well, let's get them! Hop in.
(The entire PPV Squad piles into the cart and pushes Hall out onto the green.)
Cynric: Sorry, Drunko.
(Huh takes the wheel and they speed after Regal and Angle, eventually catching up.)
Regal: Bloody mongs!
(He reaches out with his walking cane and raps Huh in the head.)
Huh: Ow!
(He smashes their cart into theirs, pulling ahead of them. Regal drives the cart back up to them and uses a spike attached to the hubcap to drill into their wheel.)
Y2Jay: Sideswipe 'em!
(Huh pulls just a little bit ahead of them and then sideswipes them with the back end of their cart. Angle and Regal go out of control. The cart roams into a sand trap and they're flung from the cart, which blows up for no apparent reason.)
Nykk: Hey! There's the clubhouse! Let's see how we did.
(They drive over to the clubhouse, where Vince McMahon is waiting for them.)
Croooooow: So Vince, where do we stand?
Vince: Last. You got the highest score of anybody.
(He shakes their hands.)
Vince: Thank you for your services, but I'm afraid you just don't have what we look for here in the World Wrestling Federation.
Huh: Wait, you said we got the highest score. That means we won.
Vince: No, you lost. The lowest score wins in golf.
Huh: But you just said we lost. Therefore, we must have gotten the lowest score. The lowest score in golf wins you see, so we won the game.
(Vince looks at him for a minute, trying to discern his logic. He finally sighs.)
Vince: All right, I see your point. You pass this challenge. But the toughest are yet to come.
PPV Squad: All right!
Cheesecake: How about that? Nathan saved the day.
Huh: Huh?
Y2Jay: So… where to next?
Croooooow: Next we get to go to an actual Smackdown taping.
Nykk: Well, let's go.
Cynric: Onward!
To Be Continued…