(Things are going nicely in Pittsburgh, PA. It's a Tuesday afternoon, and things are going well for those setting up Smackdown. Meanwhile, the PPV Squad arrives at the Igloo in Y2Jay's Shaggin' Wagon. It sputters, spews smoke and launches sparks all the way into the parking garage.)
Croooooow: This is no way to arrive at an arena. Where's our limo?
Nykk: Tell me about it. I'm tired of these junky, cramped cars.
(The car emits a loud popping sound and Y2Jay nearly loses control.)
Y2Jay: Hey, don't insult the vehicle!
(Suddenly, everything in the car stops, including the gas pedal.)
Cynric: All right, now what?
Y2Jay: We're out of gas.
Huh: (looking around) Hey, why is this place called the Igloo? I don't even see any penguins.
Nykk: Nathan, you're an idiot.
(Cheesecake's hand balls into a fist and shakes up and down.)
Cheesecake: There it goes again…
Croooooow: What's wrong with your hand?
Cheesecake: I don't know, but I bet we won't find out during this episode.
(They coast farther into the parking garage, where Vince is waiting for them.)
Vince: You're late!
(They get out of the car.)
Cheesecake: What did you say, Vince? We were in the car.
Vince: You're late!
Huh: Huh?
Croooooow: Well, you've shown infinite patience with us in our careers here in the WWF, so I'm sure you'll let this slide.
Vince: What? Careers? You've worked here for about a week and I've been trying my damndest to get you out of this company! This is the perfect opportunity.
Nykk: But you're not going to act on it, are you?
Vince: No, then we wouldn't have a story, but it's polite to come up with some clever reason to make your punctuality irrelevant.
Nykk: Fine. You can't fire us, Vince! You need us for a very important task!
Vince: Dammit, that's right. I can't fire you. I have a job only you people can be spared to do?
Cheesecake: Really? We're that important?
Vince: No, spared. Literally. This job has a high probability of death.
Y2Jay: What do you mean by that, exactly?
Vince: If you take this mission, you may DIE!
Huh: Die literally?
Vince: (sighs) Just shut up and listen.
Huh: (gives a thumbs up) Ohhh, listen… I get it.
(He lays down on the ground and goes to sleep.)
Vince: This may come as a surprise, but some of my wrestlers are obviously enhancing their bodies with chemicals.
(The PPV Squad stares at him, nodding.)
Vince: This is supposed to be where you express your disbelief.
Nykk: Oh… uh…
Croooooow: Yeah… this is… uh…
Nykk: Shocking?
Croooooow: Shocking… and, uh…
Nykk: I don't…
Croooooow: Believe… what I'm hearing.
Vince: I need you to find out where this source of chemicals is coming from.
Cynric: So where does the death part come in?
Vince: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Cheesecake: So we'd have to die to learn about our own demise?
Vince: Never mind. I'll be awaiting your failure in my office.
(He walks away and climbs into the bed of a Toyota.)
Y2Jay: You think we should tell him he's in a truck?
Nykk: Nah, we've got work to do. Come on.
(They walk into the building as Triple H and X-pac step out from behind a car.)
HHH: New workers… I must do something about this. I am the Game. Therefore, I must hold back any potential threats to my position via my political power. These six are about to pay their dues the hard way!
(He looks at X-pac.)
HHH: Why are you here?
X-pac: (shrugs) I'm just here so you don't look like you're talking to yourself.
HHH: Oh. All right. I have work to do.
(Meanwhile, the PPV Squad is walking through a hallway.)
Croooooow: All right, so Vince wants us to find out about the source of the steroids the wrestlers are getting.
Nykk: Where do you think we should start?
(They pass Chris Benoit as he walks in the opposite direction. The Squad exchanges glances and nods to each other.)
Nykk: Excuse me.
Benoit: What?
Nykk: Don't play coy with me. I'll shoot straight with you, if you'll shoot straight with me.
Benoit: All right.
Nykk: So where are you hiding the gear? Are you shotgunning?
Benoit: What? My gear's in my locker room. Tights, kneepads… why, did you want to borrow some?
Nykk: What!?
Cheesecake: I'll handle this. Where's the juice, Benoit? Did you just finish doping it all with your darts?
Benoit: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking aboot.
Cheesecake: All right. You're Canadian, so I'll take it slow. Stop hiding it, Benoit. Did you put it in your pants? Out with it, already!
Benoit: Are you accusing me of using steroids or are you coming on to me?
Cheesecake: A little from column A, a little from column B…
(Benoit scowls and suddenly pounces on Cheesecake, throwing him into a number of boxes. He gives him a dragon suplex and then a powerbomb.)
Nykk: Dangan! Did you see the execution on those moves?
Croooooow: Come on, we have to help Art!
(They try to move in, but Benoit gives them a wolverine-like snarl and won't let them near Cheesecake.)
Y2Jay: Should we move on?
Nykk: Yeah. I guess we'll have to come back for Art later.
(They continue down the hallway. Moments later, Triple H walks down the hall from the direction they just came, sneaking along behind them. He trips over Cheesecake and goes crashing into some boxes, but quickly gets to his feet and continues his hunt. He encounters Val Venis and whispers something to him. Val gets a deadly look on his face and goes after the PPV Squad. Meanwhile, the PPV Squad has reached the locker room, where they encounter the Undertaker.)
Cynric: …so anyway, Mr. Calloway, we wanted to ask you if you knew anything about this, since you've been here longer than anybody.
Undertaker: Well… (spits) Let me tell ya a little legend the boys all know about. It's about these guys called the Steroid Gods.
Croooooow: The Steroid Gods?
Undertaker: Yeah, that's what I said. They distribute the steroids, but no one knows their identity. They even framed Vince once. Nearly cost him years and years in prison.
Y2Jay: Well thanks, Undertaker.
(They start to walk away.)
Undertaker: Hey… be careful, new boys.
(They go out into the hallway, where an angry Val Venis is waiting. He points to Huh.)
Val: You! You're the one who ruined my career!
Huh: Huh?
Val: After you puked on my back that one time, I've dreaded wrestling people heavier than me. And now look at me!
(He indicates his RTC outfit.)
Huh: Uh… sorry.
Val: I demand an apology!
Huh: But I just gave you one.
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan! Don't make him angry.
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cynric: (filling in) Someone shut Nathan up!
Val: If you insist.
(He beats the crap out of Huh. The PPV Squad avoids the fight and continues down the hall.)
Croooooow: Don't worry, Nathan! We'll come back for you!
(They go farther down the hallway, but come to a stop when they realize it's freezing cold and there are icicles forming.)
Y2Jay: Why is it so cold? Did someone forget to turn off the air conditioner?
Cynric: Yeah, did the WWF hire Glacier or something?
(Dean Malenko walks down the hall.)
Nykk: (groans at the pun) Nope, just the Iceman.
(As he passes, Team ECK comes down the hall, with Christian playing Kurt Angle's theme on a kazoo.)
Edge: An-gle! An-gle! An-gle! An-ggggle!
Angle: Guys, could you stop it already? You've run out of themes to play and that's the sixth freakin' time you've played mine!
(They spot the PPV Squad.)
Christian: Friends of yours, Kurt?
Angle: I don't know. They seem vaguely familiar.
Y2Jay: You're an ass.
(Team ECK gasps.)
Angle: Did you hear what he just called me!? The youth in this country is going straight to hell, I tell ya…
Edge: C'mon, Kurtmeister, don't be a prudebush. Maybe they have an entrance theme we can totally play!
Christian: Yeah. You guys are SO gonna love this! Uh… who are you?
Nykk: The PPV Squad.
Christian: What does your entrance theme sound like again?
Croooooow: We don't have one yet. We're new.
Edge: Well, we'll just have to make one up. Christian!
(Christian starts to play the kazoo.)
Edge: PPV Squad! PPV Squad! Never a bunch of… uh… broomclods!
Angle: Guys, shut up! You're annoying the heck outta me! I think I'm gonna cry…
(He hides his face with his hands.) Christian: Uh oh, sounds like someone needs his body-enhancing chemicals!
Nykk: (whispers) This is it, guys. Maybe we'll get somewhere now.
Edge: Come on, Kurt, have some Stacker 2, the World's Strongest Fat Burner!
(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Stacker 2. The PPV Squad groans at the missed opportunity.)
Edge: You don't like Stacker 2? You will after this song…
(Cynric takes the kazoo from Christian before he can do anything and flings it down the hallway.)
Christian: My kazoo!
(Meanwhile, Stacker 2 takes its effect on Kurt.)
Angle: You'll pay for upsetting my good friend Christian. I'll break your f-cking ankle!
Croooooow: Run, guys!
(They sprint down the hall, but when Team ECK tries to follow, they slip on the ice and land flat on their backs.)
Y2Jay: Hey, all right! Finally, something goes our way.
Nykk: Yeah, and something's coming our way too! Look out!
(Y2Jay turns around just as Rhyno comes from the opposite direction and gores him.)
Y2Jay: Damn, Nick!
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(He passes out.)
Paul Heyman: (leaning out of a nearby dressing room) Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!
(Rhyno gets up and gores Heyman. He then walks off like the bad ass he is, but still slips on the ice. Y2Jay lies motionless.)
Croooooow: Do you get the feeling someone is trying to take us out?
Cynric: Yes, but now's not the time for plot revelations. Let's keep going.
(They walk farther down the hall, determined to make it to the backstage area, but a sudden rumbling stops them.)
Nykk: Oh no… ice. Canadians in the building…
Croooooow: You know what that means…
Cynric: Hockey game!
(Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Test and Val Venis come tearing down the hall wearing hockey gear and carrying sticks, hitting each other more than the puck. Nykk and Croooooow jump to the side, but Cynric gets run over by the Canadians.)
Nykk: This is great.
Croooooow: Why?
Nykk: I'm the leader of the group in this story. I'll get away unharmed while you'll be the last one eliminated.
Croooooow: Crap. Well, I'll get you back in Renegade. Someday…
(They make their way to the backstage area, which is empty aside from the usual ring and tech crew, make-up ladies and production managers.)
Nykk: Well… now what?
Croooooow: Look all over for those steroids.
(Before they can go anywhere, they're interrupted by a Japanese-accented voice from above.)
Voice: Halt! You may not go farther without the praise of the gods!
Croooooow: Are you the Steroid Gods?
Voice: Yes! We are the personification of illegal material. We possess quantities of abusive substances. We also possess god-like bodies that make men jealous and make women swoon. But most importantly, we are EEEEEVVVIIILLL! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(Kaientai emerge from behind a curtain.)
Funaki: InDEED!
Nykk: You mean we've been chasing you two around all day?
Taka: Yes, foolish man! Now prepare to DIIIEEE!
(Triple H and X-pac emerge from where Nykk and Croooooow came.)
HHH: Congratulations. You lasted far longer than I expected you to. Don't worry, PPV Squad, you'll probably get your opportunity to be on the WWF roster, but don't think for a moment that I am going to let up on guarding my spot!
X-pac: You tell 'em, H!
HHH: Sean, go job to Jericho again or something!
(X-pac runs away, fighting off tears.)
HHH: But now it's all over. I AM the Game, and it's time to see if you can hang with the Smartest Man in Wrestling!
(He produces a sledgehammer.)
Croooooow: Oh boy…
Nykk: Look! A big distracting thing!
(Triple H keeps advancing without even looking.)
Croooooow: Uh… STOP!
(He holds up a STOP! sign, but Triple H keeps advancing.)
Nykk: Looks like I was mistaken. It's the end of both of us.
Vince: What the hell is taking so long!?
(Vince McMahon walks over to face the PPV Squad.)
HHH: Vince!
(He quickly puts the sledgehammer behind his back. Vince regards Triple H with a nod.)
Vince: The show's going to start in an hour and you haven't done your job!
Nykk: You see…
Vince: (turns his back to HHH) Well? What's your excuse?
(Triple H raises the sledgehammer as Vince turns around.)
Vince: What are you doing?
Triple H: Uh… stretching?
(All of a sudden, Vince jumps away as Rhyno gores Triple H into a metal filing cabinet so forcefully that both of them are knocked out. The cabinet tips over and the drawers open, dark liquid pours out onto them.)
Vince: There it is! Good job, PPV Squad!
(Nykk and Croooooow look at each other in confusion.)
Croooooow: Do I smell body oil?
Vince: Yep. A few months ago, someone stole WWFE's entire supply of body oil. Whoever did it knew they could extort certain booking decisions from me if they threatened to withhold the wrestlers' oil. Triple H really is the smartest man in wrestling. He knew I couldn't let the boys go out there without their bodies all shiny for the cameras. No wonder every decision seemed to be geared in his favor.
Nykk: Body oil? All this time… body oil?
Vince: What did you think I sent you after?
Croooooow: Um… nothing, Vince.
Vince: This is the second test you've passed. I'm beginning to see some potential in you people after all. Collect your friends' bodies. You're jerking the curtain tonight. Who of you are actually wrestling?
Croooooow: Actually, we talked this over. Nykk and I are going to be your wrestlers. Nathan said he wanted to be our road agent. Art wants to be a costume designer. Dusty wants to be a pyrotechnic and Jay wants to be ring crew. Mark wants to be a set designer, but you won't realize that until some time after you've hired us.
Vince: Fine. You two better get ready.
(Nykk and Croooooow high five.)
To Be Continued…