(In the town of Bellbrookville, the PPV Squad gears up for another pay per view at Croooooow’s house.)
Croooooow: Everyone here? Good. We have a problem.
Y2Jay: What, did the power go out?
Croooooow: No.
Nykk: Did you forget to order the pay per view?
Croooooow: No.
Huh: Did you discover what I did in your garage?
(They all look at him.)
Nykk: What the hell are you talking about, Nathan?
Huh: Um... nothing.
Y2Jay: (to Croooooow) Do you suffer from a drinking problem?
Nykk: Are you having a mid-life crisis?
Croooooow: No, no, and no! I meant that we don’t have any food.
Huh: Noooooooooooo! (starts panicking)
Croooooow: Calm down, Nathan.
Nykk: Nathan, calm down.
Y2Jay: Calm down, fatboy.
(They all wait for the space for Cheesecake’s line and then sigh.)
Nykk: Let’s go to Wal-Mart. I hear they sell food there.
Croooooow: Good idea. Maybe we can get a muzzle for Nathan on the way back. Er... I’m almost afraid to ask, but what exactly did you do in the garage, Nathan?
(Nathan whispers something to him.)
Croooooow: (blinks) Let’s not go out that way then.
(They all pile into Croooooow’s car, the Pimpmobile, and drive to the nearest Wal-Mart. They walk to the entrance and the automatic doors open.)
All: Wow... (they stare in awe as they walk inside)
(The doors close behind them.)
Huh: That’s amazing.
Nykk: I’ve never seen anything like it.
Voice: Nay, lost soul, the threshold of omnipotent automation has its commonplacency among the mortals.
Y2Jay: No, it can’t be...
Croooooow: The Warrior!?
(They turn around and see the Warrior dressed in his wrestling tights, a blue Wal-Mart apron, and his face paint.)
Nykk: What are you doing here? Last I saw you, your legend was being destroyed in WCW. How did you get to be a Wal-Mart greeter?
Warrior: The tale is long, and only the best patienceness will sit long to hear this woeful tale of destrucity. The political referndenial of Hogan is very caitious and the only the unmortals comprehend the questionanswers given by Bischoff...
Nykk: Um... okay...
Warrior: Therefore, I went to sustain my sustinence at the restaurant of the King of the Burgers, but a poor soul of the everlasting sacrificial worldless gaffenter did me in as a foodmaker for the infusifation of the mortals for the power of destructation!
Nykk: Okay...
Warrior: I was forced to damnify myself for this mundanity of greeting the custogers of the Wall Market! Speak to me, Warriors! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH! (He pumps his arms up and down)
Croooooow: Quick, while he’s still babbling. (They sneak away.)
*NOTE: This is what it’s like when parodies collide.*
(The PPV Squad walks through the toy section.)
Y2Jay: Wait a minute, I think I’ve heard of this. Apparently, this store banned the Al Snow action figure because Head promotes violence toward women?
Nykk: What? Has the world finally gone stupid!?
(Crooooow grabs a worker.)
Croooooow: Hey! Why did you people ban a harmless figure like Al Snow’s?
Worker: I’m sorry, sir, but we aren’t allowed to speak to customers about that particular figure. (Whispers to Croooooow) Meet me in the back alley in fifteen minutes....
(Fifteen minutes later, the PPV Squad waits in the alley. The worker eventually emerges from the side door, wearing a trenchcoat and hat.)
Worker: (looks around anxiously) You got the money?
Croooooow: Yeah, I have money. (Gets out his wallet)
Worker: I’ve got the figure. (He opens his coat to reveal several rows of Al Snow action figures attached to the inside.)
Nykk: Wow. You must have a fortune’s worth of collector’s items in there.
Worker: Yeah. Are you going to buy a figure or not?
Y2Jay: No. We had no idea why you wanted us to come out here.
Worker: (sighs) Then why didn’t you ask?
(They all shrug.)
Y2Jay: Say, Nathan’s been awful quiet.
Nykk: Yeah, I haven’t heard a stupid comment in about two minutes now.
Croooooow: (looks around) Where is Nathan?
Nykk: Nathan, where are you?
Croooooow: Where are you, Nathan?
Y2Jay: Where are you, fatboy?
(They all wait for the space for Cheesecake’s line and then sigh.)
Y2Jay: (pointing) There he is!
(They all look to the right and see Huh being led to a truck being piled full of crates of bananas by his nose. He gets inside the truck just before the driver shuts the door behind him while looking at his watch.)
Nykk: We have to get him out of there! Come on!
(They all run and cling to the back of the truck just as it’s leaving. They climb over the side and into the bed where Huh is eating lots of bananas.)
Huh: (with his mouth full) Hey guys!
Croooooow: Nathan, what are you doing?
Huh: We came here to get food, and I got some.
Nykk: Yeah, but where are we going now?
(Hours later, they arrive at an arena. One by one, they peek over the edge of the truck.)
Croooooow: Nathan, what were you thinking? Why did you jump in the back of that truck and cause us to be drug hundreds of miles away from Bellbrookville?
Huh: Huh?
Y2Jay: (smacks him) Pay attention! We need to find out where we are.
(They all climb down and walk in the side entrance of the arena. A familiar figure walks in beside them.)
Croooooow: (whispering to Nykk) That’s Bret Hart.
Nykk: I’ll be damned. It is. (to Bret) Hey, Bret, it’s been awhile since I watched you on TV. How’ve you been?
Bret: To tell you the truth, I was pretty upset when Vince McMahon screwed me on pay per view.
Nykk: Uh, Bret, that was two years ago. I mean, how have you been lately?
Bret: I was fine until Vince screwed me...
Nykk: I don’t think he...
Bret: He did screw me! He had his pants down and tried to pull a Patterson, but I...
Nykk: OKAY! That’s more information than I needed to know! I swear to God, you and the Warrior...
(The PPV Squad moves away, leaving Bret to his ramblings. They stumble upon a door that leads to a set made of cardboard but painted to look like an office.)
Y2Jay: Now where are we?
Voice: You’ve stumbled upon the office of the Powers that Be, and you’re not on the list!
Y2Jay: Who said that?
Voice: You’re looking through a camera lens. I’m always off camera.
(Y2Jay removes his gaze from a camera that appeared out of nowhere and sees none other than Vince Russo.)
Croooooow: You’re Vince Russo!
Vince: That’s right!
(Ed Ferarra enters with a cup in his hand.)
Ed: (handing the cup to Vince) Here you go, Vince. Sugar and cream, just how you like it.
Vince: Thanks, Ed. (looking to the PPV Squad) Just who are you?
Y2Jay: I’m Jay, otherwise known as Y2Jay.
Vince: Y2J?
Y2Jay: No, Y2JAY!
Vince: Oh.
Nykk: And I’m Nick, but don’t call me that! Call me Nykk. Vince: Nick?
Nykk: No, Nykk!
Vince: Oh.
Croooooow: I’m Jim, otherwise known as Croooooow.
Vince: (turns to Huh) And you are?
Huh: Huh?
Vince: I see.
(A man enters carrying a crate.)
Man: Where do you want these bananas?
Ed: Right in here. (Opens a door to a room where a bunch of chimps are being kept.)
Nykk: What are all those chimps doing in there?
Vince: That’s the old booking committee.
(The man takes in some crates and leaves.)
Vince: Now, do you fellas have any creative ideas I can use on Nitro tonight?
Croooooow: No, we just jumped in a truck after Huh, and it took us here.
Vince: Ah. Well, then, you must die!
Y2Jay: What!?
Huh: I’m scared! Save me! (He jumps into Croooooow’s arms. Croooooow’s knees buckle and he falls down with Huh on top of him.)
Vince: Behold my implements of destruction!
(Creative Control enters the room.)
Nykk: Jacob & Eli Blu?
Ed: No, Creative Control!
Y2Jay: OH NO! (looks down and points) Somebody dropped a quarter! (He picks it up)
(Creative Control advances on them and the scene fades out. When it fades in, the PPV Squad is in an interrogation room with Russo and Ferarra with Creative Control keeping watch at the door.)
Vince: Now, for the last time, who sent you? Was it that......................ANNOUNCER, Jim Ross?
Croooooow: Dude, no one sent us.
Vince: Is that a criticism on my booking style!?
Croooooow: Huh?
Huh: Hey!
Vince: It’s going to take six months for me to really turn things around here, and all you people and wrestling journalists should just leave me alone....
Croooooow: I don’t think I said...
Vince: But you damn Internet people with your beloved luchadores should all just go to Hell, because you’re a bunch of Benoit-loving freaks...
Croooooow: All right, FINE! Jim Ross sent me, dammit!
Vince: I think you’re lying to me!
(Croooooow throws his hands up in the air in frustration.)
Vince: (to Nykk) Now, you’re going to talk or I’ll make you watch six straight hours of Jerry Flynn vs. Ernest Miller!
Nykk: Aaaaaaaaaaaah! All right, I’ll talk! One day I was having lunch...
Huh: What were you having for lunch?
Vince: I don’t see the relevance to...
Huh: It helps me visualize! Man, you’re a writer for God’s sake!
Nykk: I was having a salami sandwich. Suddenly, I went to get something to drink when I saw a switch. I accidentally hit it and suddenly a briefcase started to rise! I sensed confusion and started to back away, but unbeknownst to me, I backed into a boiler room. I didn’t know how to get out, and saw Mankind, so I figured I’d ask him, but my foot was stuck in something. So I gave him a gentle tap with a pole and he went flying off the edge of a balcony! Once I got out, I went to see if he was okay, but I fell into the back of a car. As I looked for the steering wheel, I accidentally hit the gas and the car sped off. It kept going until I heard it bump into something. Looking out the window, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin lying on the ground! Isn’t that cool? He must have been really tired to fall asleep in the middle of a parking lot!
(They all stare at him in disbelief.)
Croooooow: I don’t believe it! YOU had a salami sandwich? I thought those things gave you gas.
Vince: That’s very good, Nykk. Now I’ll talk to someone who isn’t a complete retard!
Nykk: Hey!
Vince: (turns to Huh and starts to say something but stops) No. (turns to Y2Jay) Do you have anything to contribute to this?
Y2Jay: The only thing I can add is that we are getting out of here for a quarter! (He throws the quarter at Russo and it hits him in the eye) Run!
(The PPV Squad gets up and runs for the door.)
Russo: (holding his eye) Ow, my eye... wait a minute! I wear glasses! Patrick, Gerald, get them!
(Creative Control advances on them.)
Croooooow: It looks like we’re done for...
Huh: Bye, you guys... thanks for the memories. All the ones I can remember, anyway.
(Out of nowhere, a fireball comes sailing in and lands on Gerald’s coat. He panics, running around the room trying to put it out.)
Y2Jay: What the...
(Suddenly, Dusty the Hardcore Hamster walks through the door.)
Hamster: Hey, you guys. Looks like I’m saving your asses, and if you don’t believe me, I’ll smack ya!
Nykk: Dusty! How...
Hamster: (holds up a hand) No, explanations on how I knew exactly where you’d be and come in at the exact moment of climax later. Let’s get out of here first and...
(Suddenly, Ed Ferarra throws sugar from Russo’s coffee into Dusty’s face.)
Dusty: Aggh! (wipes his eyes)
Y2Jay: Oh, no. If the Hardcore Hamster can’t save us, then who...
Gay-Sounding Voice: Somebody want some....
Nykk: No, it can’t be!
Croooooow: I thought he was gone...
(Out of the shadows steps none other than Cheesecake!)
Cheesecake: As I was saying... (gay-sounding voice) Somebody want some... CHEESECAKE!?
Russo: No, I’m fine. Ed, get me some more coffee!
(Cheesecake puts each member of Creative Control in the testicular claw, rams them together, and they fall over.)
Y2Jay: Art! Thanks for the run-in.
Cheesecake: No problem, guys. As for our two villains...
Croooooow: Yeah, what made you think you could get away with... whatever you were trying to pull?
Vince: Well, I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you darn kids!
(Suddenly, the entire set falls on top of the PPV Squad.)
Ed: Vince, this way!
Vince: Until we meet again... (laughs maniacally and runs away)
(The PPV Squad climbs out of the toppled cardboard.)
Hamster: Don’t worry, they won’t get far.
Croooooow: How do you know?
Hamster: According to my estimations, Nathan has had plenty of time to digest his food...
Nykk: Oh, great.
Hamster: It just might save us.
(Huh looks around at everyone.)
Nykk: (nods) Go for it.
(Huh bends over and lets out the damnedest fart anyone’s ever heard. The echo lasts for about a minute afterward. The Hardcore Hamster lights a match.)
Cheesecake: Let’s get out of here fast!
(The Hardcore Hamster throws the match and the entire PPV Squad runs out of the building and takes cover behind the wall.)
Huh: (keeps on running) No, no! It’s going to be big!
Hamster: Is he serious?
Y2Jay: Well, Nathan knows his farts.
(They all run to a building across the street.)
Huh: (dives behind a dumpster) Come on, it’s gonna be big!
Nykk: But is it going to be today!?
(Suddenly, the entire arena doesn’t so much as explode as it does disintegrate. A huge flame shoots up from the center and burns about fifty feet into the air.)
Huh: That one’s going to last awhile.
Croooooow: (to Cheesecake) So why did you come back?
Cheesecake: I was watching from afar, hoping that wrestling might regain some sanity. But when I heard Miss Kitty flashed the crowd at the last PPV, I said ‘Screw it!’
Nykk: Well, we’re glad to have you back. Come on guys, let’s go home.
(They all walk off into the sunset.)
Huh: When we get back, I think we should have a nice plate of...
Nykk: Don’t say it...
Huh: Bacon!
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Jay) Shut Nathan up!
(They all look at The Hardcore Hamster.)
Hamster: Why the hell not? Shut the f*** up, you goddamn mother$^()*&$ piece of #&*%_)(&(*%^$*^&* @#$%(*)& )()&^)^ *)^*)%&$*^&%*& MIDEON AND VISCERA!!!!
Nykk: Now THAT”S comedy.
*NOTE: No wrestlers were harmed in the writing of this episode... Okay, okay, one of the members of Creative Control suffered from indigestion in Scene 4, and Vince Russo drank some bad coffee.... and Bret Hart choked on a few of his own words, but that’s all, I swear!*