DISCLAIMER: I started writing this episode about three weeks before the tragedy of September 11, 2001. A bit part in this episode deals with a plane crash, though only referenced to. After careful thought, I have decided to leave the bit part in, as the “plain crash” is a long time PPV Squad running joke. There was also a planned part where the PPV Squadron would return, but out of respect for our military and the mission they are embarking upon, I scrapped it before I wrote it. Please understand that nothing in this episode is designed or intended to make light of the tragedy of September 11.
Is anyone still reading after all that?
(When we last left the PPV Squad, they had just drank some of Paul Heyman’s Kool-Aid and turned against the WWF to go with the WCW/ECW Alliance. For whatever reason, this was being filmed and Vince McMahon quickly rushes to the Squad’s dressing room, only to be ambushed by Alliance members. Meanwhile, Paul is cozying up to his new friends.)
Heyman: So, now that you’re under my control… I mean, now that you’ve decided to come over to ECW’s side, we need to think of something for you to do.
Cynric: I’m not dressing up as an Amish guy.
Heyman: You’re right, the fans might not buy that.
Nykk: Perhaps a nickname involving the adjective ‘extreme?’
Heyman: That’s it! PPV Squad Extreme! The Extreme Entertainers!
Croooooow: That sort of implies that we support entertainment over wrestling. That won’t work.
Heyman: Well, this could take a little thought. In the meantime, just do what you usually do.
(The Squad sits down and turns on a television. There’s a news story on the local news station about an army of 131,072 Tazzes that took over a small European nation and then immediately dissolved into a civil war of 131,072 factions. They flip through the channels looking for something to make fun of.)
Heyman: (sighs) This could take a LOT more thought.
(The paper covering on the hole in the wall that Paul made suddenly burns up, and the Hardcore Hamster walks into the room, flame-thrower in hand.)
Hamster: What the hell’s going on in here?
Y2Jay: Hey Dusty. Paul just promised us that we could have a significant role in the Alliance takeover!
Hamster: Don’t tell me you’re all so gullible that you’ll believe what this charlatan shithead says, ya stupid shitheads!
Croooooow: Come on, Dusty. Paul would never cheat anyone. He’s the Patron Saint of Hardcore.
(The Hardcore Hamster looks at Heyman, who gives him an angelic smile.)
Hamster: That’s it! Ya made me so mad that I’m not gonna say I oughta smack ya, I’m GONNA smack all of ya’s!
(He smacks each one of the PPV Squad members in turn. The glazed look in their eyes disappears.)
Heyman: Uh-oh!
(He turns and exits by crashing through the door.)
Nykk: Thanks, Dusty. I don’t know what came over us.
Hamster: Enough of that! Vince is in trouble!
Nykk: Hey! I wasn’t finished with the exposition!
Croooooow: The readers are smart. They’ll figure it out. What happened to Vince, Dusty?
(The Hardcore Hamster points to the monitor, where a ‘Before the Break’ replay is being played. Vince is walking toward the PPV Squad dressing room when Shawn Stasiak charges at Vince, who quickly moves aside, sending Stasiak into the wall. However, this allows Rhyno to gore Vince, and the Dudleys, Raven, and Rob Van Dam soon appear to stomp on the boss.)
Huh: Hey, Meat stole my gimmick! I’m the biggest idiot around here!
(Cheesecake’s hand balls into a fist and shakes up and down.)
Nykk: Is Namoi ready to help Vince?
Cheesecake: Lock, stock and barrel.
Croooooow: Is that some kind of gay thing?
Cheesecake: No.
Croooooow: You’re sure?
Cheesecake: Um… yes.
Cynric: Let’s go already! Geez! The attackers have probably finished the beatdown and are having dinner somewhere by now!
Nykk: No, I’ve got the sneaking suspicion things will be exactly the way they were before the break.
(They rush to the scene, and sure enough, Vince is still being stomped. Chris Jericho rushes in to help, but is gored into the wall by Rhyno. Jericho goes down holding his head.)
Cheesecake: Hand’th off our bo’th! Surrender or deal with the wrath of the PPV Th’quad!
(The Alliance members stop for a moment and look at the Squad. Then they look at each other, shrug, and continue the beatdown. Cheesecake rushes in with Namoi in control of his arms, kicking ass every place he turns. The rest of the Squad helps out while Huh kicks the unconscious Stasiak. The Squad soon gets their asses kicked, but luckily Undertaker and Kane are on the scene and chase away the Alliance.)
Vince: What the hell do you think you’re doing, dammit!? You’re late!
Y2Jay: Here Vince, let us help you.
(He tries to help Vince up, but Vince bats their arms away while EMTs arrive to tend to Jericho.)
Vince: Get away from me! I don’t accept help from traitors like you, even though the mere fact that you came to help proves that you’re now back on my side, but I’m getting ahead of myself! Just for that, I’m going to send you on the most boring assignment I can possibly imagine. Come with me.
(He gets up and walks out a door into the loading dock.)
Croooooow: Shouldn’t we check on Y2J? He’s receiving medical attention.
Vince: Jericho’s always receiving medical attention. That’s what he does so he can disappear for awhile when I can’t think of anything for him to do.
(Vince climbs into the bed of a Toyota.)
Vince: Come into my office!
(They get in.)
Vince: I have a job you.
Cynric: Great! Something for us to do?
(The Squad gets excited.)
Vince: You’re all so naïve. It’s something for you to do as punishment. It’s very boring, but it should help you build character.
Nykk: This is the last episode. Our characters have already been built.
Vince: Do you people have any concept of reality? This isn’t some story off the top of the head of an idiot with an overactive imagination!
Nykk: Now who’s being naïve?
Vince: Anyway, whenever I hold an event in a town that houses family or business associates I want to kiss up to, I withhold certain tickets for them so they can come to the show.
Croooooow: That makes sense.
Vince: See, this was supposed to be a monologue. I’m explaining the plot for the next twenty pages, and how am I supposed to do that if people keep interrupting? You people do this all the time. It’s like no one except for Nykk can have more than five lines of dialogue.
Nykk: Sorry.
Vince: (sighs) To make this short, Smackdown tickets are going on sale at the Nutter Center box office tomorrow. You’re to go camp out there and get tickets as close to ringside as you can possibly get.
(He waits for one of them to interrupt, but they don’t.)
Y2Jay: Why can’t you just withhold the tickets like you said?
Vince: (nods) Glad you decided to join the conversation. Ever since this Invasion started, Heyman has been sending his own fanboys in to grab up all the good seats. So there you are. Should you succeed, you will be back in my bad graces. Should you fail, or preferably be killed, I’m sure I’ll move on.
Cynric: So how are we supposed to get there?
Vince: That’s where he comes in.
(Kurt Angle pulls into the loading dock in an SUV He has the pedal to the metal and the Squad minus Cynric step aside.)
Croooooow: Mark! Watch out!
(However, Cynric fails to move and the SUV hits him. Cynric gets swept onto the hood and then falls off the side of the vehicle.)
Y2Jay: Oh my God! Mark, are you all right?
(Cynric jumps to his feet.)
Cynric: Yes… surprisingly enough, I’m just fine.
Angle: Vince! Vince, I’m here! Where’s that important cargo you wanted me to deliver?
(He spots the PPV Squad.)
Angle: You guys! Not again! I’m not going to be fooled twice. I’ll break your f-cking ankles!
(He starts running after them and the Squad scatters. He goes after Cheesecake and corners him against some pallets.)
Cheesecake: Now just a minute there, Kurt… may I offer you some milk?
(He produces an open carton of milk from behind his back.)
Angle: (instantly calm) Hmm… I haven’t had a drink of milk in the last few minutes. All right, I accept your peace offering. (
Cheesecake hands the carton to Kurt, who snatches it away and starts chugging. His face immediately turns sour and he spits the milk out.)
Angle: Aaah! What the hell?
Huh: Um… that wasn’t milk, guys…
(They all look at him.)
Cheesecake: You mean you… Great Day! In my milk!? No wonder it tasted so salty.
Y2Jay: (laughs) Well I guess we could say that Angle’s favorite species of whale is the…
Nykk: STOP! We get it! Ugh! (
Angle is busy vomiting on the floor.)
Croooooow: I guess the only question on our minds, Nathan, is WHY?
Huh: Huh?
Cynric: I guess we aren’t getting a ride from Kurt.
Cheesecake: Don’t sweat it. In keeping with the PPV Squad theme of having random props for no previous or logical reason, I found these.
(He points to the PPV Quads, which are lined up behind the pallets.)
Cynric: I haven’t seen these since Episode 7! I knew that talent would pay off eventually. You were right, Art!
Cheesecake: See, man? Oh, sorry Kurt…
(They get ready to leave, but the Hardcore Hamster walks back in.)
Nykk: Thanks for the smacks, Dusty. How can we ever repay you?
Hamster: Why don’t ya put me in a starring role in this damn episode along with you guys? I’m tired of being the guy that just shows up and smacks people! I oughta smack ya!
Nykk: I’m sorry. I just figured you wouldn’t want to be a part of our adventures, since you don’t like wrestling.
Hamster: I’m still your friend! Besides, there’s a whole side of me people haven’t seen! My artistic side!
(He clears his throat.)
Hamster: Ta be, or not ta be, that is the f-cking question…
Croooooow: All right, you can come with us. You’ll have to ride with Jay, though.
Y2Jay: He can have the whole thing. I’ve gotta work, remember? I’m in training for ring crew, so I can’t go with you.
Vince: Oh no you don’t! You’re not getting off that easy… sorry, Kurt… you’re excused for today.
Y2Jay: Fine by me. That all right with you, Nykk?
Nykk: (to Cynric) What’d he call me?
Hamster: …whether it’s nobler in your damn mind ta suffer…
Croooooow: OKAY!
(They start up their ATVs and ride out of the loading dock. A few hours later, they are traveling down a road somewhere in Ohio when the Quads suddenly sputter and come to a stop, except for Huh’s.)
Croooooow: Now what happened?
Nykk: Looks like we’re out of gas.
Croooooow: Then why is Nathan still going?
Y2Jay: Natural gas.
(They look down the road where Huh’s farting is causing the ATV to move along at a rapid rate. However, Huh is also soon out of gas.)
Huh: Huh?
(Luckily, a car stops. When the driver rolls down the window, it turns out to be none other than Cynric’s friend Dingo.)
Dingo: Hey guys! How’s it going?
Cynric: What are you doing here?
Dingo: I was on a flight back to Cincinnati… USAir, unfortunately… but there was a plain crash. I grabbed myself a rental car and I’m on my way home right now. What are you doing here?
Croooooow: An assignment for Vince, right in the middle of an Episode.
Dingo: Ah. Going to the Nutter Center, I take it?
(They all nod.)
Dingo: Hop in. I’ll give you a lift.
Cynric: Thanks.
(The seven pile into the car and they get going.)
Dingo: You really think you can get the best tickets if you wait outside all night?
Nykk: That’s what we’re hoping.
Dingo: I don’t know, it seems to me that you should avoid that place at all costs.
Cheesecake: Why?
Dingo: On the plane, there were a number of wrestlers from all three organizations. It looks like something big’s about to go down. Just like my plane.
Cynric: Yeah, what happened?
Dingo: The bathrooms weren’t functioning throughout the whole flight! After dinner, every wrestler was lined up, waiting for them to be fixed. All that weight at the front tipped the plane and sent it crashing to the ground. They were all talking about going to Dayton, too. Who knows what they’re cooking.
Huh: Bacon?
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Cynric) Shut Nathan up!
Hamster: Shut up or I’ll smack ya!
(An hour later, Dingo drops them off in front of the Nutter Center and drives away. The Squad goes up to the box office and sees that they’re the first ones there. They lean against the wall and start to wait.)
Y2Jay: This is boring.
Huh: Yeah. I’m hungry.
Cheesecake: Maybe we should split up and go get some things to keep us occupied.
Nykk: Good idea. Mark, you and Dusty go pick up a TV, VCR, video games, DVDs and PS2 from your brother’s house. Jim and I will go to Meijer’s and buy some chairs. Jay and Art can go over to Speedway and buy some food. Nathan, you stay here and hold our place.
Cynric: How am I supposed to get to Centervilleville and how are you going to pay for all the chairs and food?
Huh: (pulls $4,000 from his pocket) I still have this money from when I was in the military.
(Nykk throws Cynric some keys.)
Nykk: Take my Camaro. It’s been parked here since Episode 2.
(They all walk off toward their respective destinations.)
Croooooow: Are you sure that we should leave Nathan by himself?
Nykk: What could possibly go wrong?
(About twenty minutes later, Cynric and the Hardcore Hamster arrive at Croooooow’s house in Centervilleville and begin hauling stuff into Nykk’s car. A guy in a suit sees them and comes over to talk.)
Suit Guy: Hi. I’m a guy in a suit. I just moved in next door.
Cynric: (monotonous) I’m thrilled for you.
Suit Guy: Um, yes… uh, why are you robbing this house?
Cynric: It’s my parents’ house.
Suit Guy: Oh… I see. It’s one of those.
Cynric: (turns to him) Do you want something?
Suit Guy: Well, if this is a misunderstanding, I guess I shouldn’t have called the cops.
Cynric: What!?
(Two squad cars pull into the driveway as the Hardcore Hamster lays out the neighbor with one smack. Cynric and the Hardcore Hamster are cuffed and taken away. Meanwhile, Nykk and Croooooow arrive at Meijer’s. Some cheesy 80s music is playing as they walk in.)
Croooooow: Where the hell’s that music coming from?
Nykk: The store speakers.
Croooooow: Oh… a logical answer.
(They shrug.)
Nykk: Okay, we’ll need about seven portable chairs. Anything else?
Croooooow: We might as well get a chair for the TV to sit on too.
Nykk: All right. Anything else?
Croooooow: A wrestling magazine that no one buys and we can make fun of, a foot stool, two twelve packs of soda, a get-well card for my Aunt Suzy and a pack of Peptol Bismol. Soda upsets my intestines.
Nykk: Are you quite finished?
Croooooow: What, a bit too much information?
Nykk: Yes.
Croooooow: I just try to be as precise as possible when justifying my purchases.
Nykk: Good for you. Do you want a cookie?
Croooooow: Can we get one of those too?
Nykk: (sighs and grabs a shopping cart) Let’s just go.
(After a particularly embarrassing shopping debacle where they manage to knock over an entire aisle, they finally locate all the items on their list and go to the front of the store. However, every open register has a customer on it except for one. They head down to it, but the cashier shakes his head.)
Cashier: No, no, it’s twelve items or less. You have thirteen.
Nykk: What? You’re telling me that you’re going to make us wait in line because we’re one item over the limit?
Cashier: Yes. Yes I am.
(The annoying chubby guy from the Stacker 2 commercials appears in front of the express aisle.)
Annoying Guy: PPV Squad! This is the Express Lane! Can’t you count? One, two…
Croooooow: Must kill.
(They dial the Hamster’s number into Croooooow’s cell phone, but a message answers.)
Message: I’m sorry, the number you have dialed is out of service right now. Please wait while we send a replacement.
(The aisle explodes in flames and Kane appears out of it. He gives the annoying guy one looks and chases after him.)
Croooooow: And that is that.
(They walk out into the parking lot and grab all their bags.)
Croooooow: You want to take the shopping cart over to the depository?
Nykk: I’ve got a better idea.
(He takes hold of it and pushes it halfway across the parking lot. However, the cart turns around and comes right back. Nykk and Croooooow look at each other and shrug.)
Nykk: You try.
(Croooooow gives it a good push, but it once again comes back to them. Frustrated, Croooooow walks it over to the depository and starts to walk back. Nykk smiles until he sees the cart slowly rolling out of its place and coming back.)
Nykk: Run!
(They grab their bags and run toward the Nutter Center. Meanwhile, Y2Jay and Cheesecake arrive at Speedway.)
Y2Jay: Okay, we’ll just go in and… AAH!
(Cheesecake looks and sees that a fake-looking dummy is what startled Y2Jay.)
Cheesecake: It’s just a scarecrow. Let’s go inside.
(They walk in, where two clerks are manning the store. Their nametags identify them as Brian and Jeff. They give Y2Jay and Cheesecake a brief nod before Brian goes back to writing on his clipboard and Jeff goes back to looking at his porno magazine.)
Cheesecake: Th’o what th’ould we get? Nobody th’aid anything about what they want to eat for the nex’th’t few hours.
Y2Jay: (looks at all the choices) I don’t know. We should have brought Nathan. He’d know what to get.
Cheesecake: How about I just blindly pick the first thing I can grab off the shelf and we get that?
Y2Jay: Sounds good.
(Cheesecake closes his eyes and Namoi takes control of his hand. He reaches up and grabs a large bag of IAMS dog food from the top shelf.)
Y2Jay: All right. Let’s get out of this dump.
(They bring the bag up to the counter and set it down. Brian looks at them inquisitively.)
Brian: Do you two have a pet?
Cheesecake: What? No. We’re waiting for Smackdown tickets over at the Nutter Center and thought we might need a snack.
Jeff: That’s dog food.
Cheesecake: Shouldn’t you be doing some real work instead of reading porno magazines?
Jeff: Bite me, freak.
Brian: That’ll be $9.44.
Jeff: Don’t tell me you’re actually going to let them eat that stuff? They could come back and sue the store for $10 million!
Brian: Just let them have it. It’s their fault if they’re too dumb to know that it’s dog food. Besides, I don’t need the hassle. I’m not even supposed to be here today.
Y2Jay: We can hear you, you know. Is this the way you treat all your customers?
Jeff: Yep. Pretty much.
Brian: Anyway Jeff, you were saying…
Jeff: Independence Day is obviously a subtle attempt by the tobacco industry to fill our heads with pro-smoking nonsense.
Brian: How so?
Jeff: Look at the characters! EVERY main character smokes a cigar in this movie. It’s the f-cking good luck charm of the Marines for crying out loud! Then the ONE main character that is a non-smoker is finally convinced to light up at the end of the film. And what does he say when he’s questioned about it? “It’s not so bad.”
Cheesecake: You’ve got it all wrong. Independence Day is an essay supporting male dominance with an understated theme of suppression of women. The only main character in the movie that dies from the alien attacks on the major cities is a woman! The other women characters’ occupations are a stripper and a presidential aide who was once accused of having an affair with the president. It’s not too difficult to comprehend, geez!
Jeff: Shut the f-ck up, dog food boy! Just get back on all fours and eat your horse meat. I’m sure you prefer it in that position anyway.
Y2Jay: (rolls up his sleeves) That’s it! We’re going to teach you a lesson!
Brian: Listen, could you take your “food” and go? I was supposed to play hockey at 2:00, but the boss never came in.
Cheesecake: Great Day! You play hockey too? I was just telling Jay here that I’ve been trying to find someone to play all day…
Brian: Really? I know a guy named Jay…
Jeff: How about we play a little two on two?
Y2Jay: Sounds good, but where are we going to play?
(A few minutes later, the four are climbing up to the roof with hockey gear on. They set up two goals and assign Jeff and Y2Jay as goalies. The ball is set down in the middle, and Cheesecake and Brian face off.)
Brian: All right, you’re going down!
Cheesecake: Is that a promise?
Brian: Ew! Okay, go!
(Brian goes for the ball, but Cheesecake just takes his hockey stick and smashes it into his opponent’s head. Brian falls to the ground unconscious.)
Jeff: Hey, that’s a penalty!
(From the other goal, Y2Jay throws his hockey stick like a spear and hits Jeff right in the head. Jeff also slumps to the ground. Y2Jay and Cheesecake calmly climb down the roof and take their dog food. Meanwhile, at Centervilleville Police Station, Cynric and the Hardcore Hamster are being questioned. They’re sitting at a table in an interrogation room when a police officer walks in.)
Officer George: All right you two scumbags, I want the truth and I want it now. I’ll start with you Mr… (looks at his sheet) Dusty Schne… Schneeblah… Schneez…
Hamster: It’s Schneble. I oughta smack ya!
Officer George: Are you threatening a police officer?
Cynric: No, he wasn’t. Can we just get on with this? I’m sure this misunderstanding can be cleared up.
Officer George: All right. Tell me what exactly you were doing in those peoples’ home.
Cynric: Look, I told you. It’s my parents’ house. I was just getting some stuff that belongs to my brother so we don’t get bored waiting for Smackdown tickets. Call my parents. Call my brother. I have his cell phone number.
Officer George: I don’t think so. You fit the descriptions of two thieves that have been hitting houses all over Centervilleville.
Cynric: How so?
Officer George: Well, they’re two guys…
Cynric: And?
Officer George: Well… that’s about it.
(The Hardcore Hamster slams his fists onto the table and stands up.)
Hamster: That’s it! Let us go right now, or I’ll drop ya with one smack!
Officer George: Please. I’m a trained policeman. Not even the devil himself could knock me out!
Hamster: Oh yeah?
(Quick as a cat, he lunges and smacks Officer George, who falls in an unconscious heap.)
Cynric: Are you mad!?
Hamster: (smiles maniacally) Yes!
Cynric: You can’t just knock out police officers…
Hamster: Hey, I’m gettin’ us outta here. Show a little gratitude, or I’ll smack ya!
Cynric: (pleads) No, no, anything but that. Thank you, Dusty.
(They sneak out, but only see one officer at a desk. Otherwise, the whole station is empty.)
Officer Mindy: May I help you?
Cynric: Yeah, two maniacs just knocked out Officer George. I think they went out the back.
Officer Mindy: All right. Thank you.
Cynric: Where are all the cops?
Officer Mindy: They were called away by Dayton police. Seems they need some help up around the North Fairfield area. Reports of a giant man in a red mask and suit stalking someone, two clerks were assaulted at Speedway, some kids knocked over an entire aisle of products at Meijer’s where there is also a shopping cart missing, and there’s some fat kid making a nuisance of himself at the Nutter Center.
Cynric: Crap. The line! We better get back!
(They ride the bus back to Croooooow’s house and drive away in Nykk’s car. Back at the Nutter Center, Nykk and Croooooow are just arriving. They run up to the parking lot gasping for air.)
Nykk: *HUFF* Is it still behind us?
Croooooow: I *HUFF* don’t think so.
(They look back, but the shopping cart slowly turns a corner and heads their direction.)
Nykk: We may have finally met our match…
(Suddenly, a big man with black hair stumbled drunkenly into the cart’s path. He throws a beer bottle at it, but comes up short. The bottle clatters to the ground, but the cart rolls over it, which tips it on its side.)
Croooooow: Oh no. Not again…
(Scott Hall gives them a questioning look.)
Hall: (belches) Oy, mang. You guys got a drink for da Bad Guy?
Nykk: Nope. Sorry.
Hall: That’s all right, mang. You don’t own a wrestling promotion by any chance, do you?
Croooooow: No, we’re just fans until we get our Smackdown tickets.
Hall: (belches) Yo. I’m coming with you guys. I want to go to the show too.
(Nykk and Croooooow sigh.)
Croooooow: If you insist, but it’s going to be very boring I assure you.
(They walk back to the Nutter Center.)
Nykk: Freakin’ finally, we’re back!
Croooooow: (looks at the line) Where’s Nathan?
(About twenty people have lined up and set up camp, but Huh is standing off to the side, looking disgruntled.)
Nykk: Nathan! What happened?
Huh: Huh?
Croooooow: Why did you give up your spot?
Huh: (scratches his head) I don’t remember…
Hall: Yo, mang. I have that same problem.
Huh: Who’s the drunk?
Nykk: Do you remember Scott Hall?
Huh: Who?
Croooooow: He used to be Razor Ramon.
Huh: Oh. Drunko.
(A few moments later, Cheesecake and Y2Jay arrive, followed by the Hardcore Hamster and Cynric. They’re soon filled in on the situation.)
Nykk: All right, I think I have an idea.
Hall: How can I help, mang?
Croooooow: (points) Look! A big distracting thing!
Hall: What? A beer truck?
(He looks around, confused. The PPV Squad leaves him behind and takes Huh to the back of the line. They tap each person on the shoulder and let Huh belch in their face. The people let them by without a word. It works until they get to the first two people in line. One is fat and nearly bald, with a goatee. The other’s skinny and dirty looking with long hair. They’re both wearing ECW shirts that are years old.)
Bob-Dave: Hold it there, guys. There will be no cutting in this line, unlike what New Jack did to that kid at November to Remember ’96!
Wade: Tell ‘em, Bob-Dave!
Nykk: Look, we were here first. I don’t know how you tricked Nathan into giving up his spot, but we demand our place back.
Bob-Dave: Sorry, we aren’t moving. We have an assignment from Paul Heyman himself to buy up as many good seats as we can.
Croooooow: So you’re the two fanboys we’re supposed to watch out for.
Hamster: Give us our place back or I’ll smack ya!
(He lunges, but Bob-Dave blows a whistle and a security guard holds the Hardcore Hamster back.)
Wade: Throw these guys out of here!
Bob-Dave: Yeah, they’re trying to get in front of us. The only person I ever want in front of me in a line is Francine, the Queen of Extreme!
Wade: Tell ‘em, Bob-Dave!
(The PPV Squad is thrown out of the line and deposited in the parking lot.)
Wade and Bob-Dave: E-C-W! E-C-W!
Hamster: All right, now whadda we do?
Nykk: Don’t worry. I’ll think of something.
Huh: I’m hungry. Where’s all the food?
(Y2Jay throws him the dog food.)
Y2Jay: Have a ball, fatboy.
(Huh whoops excitedly, rips the bag open, and starts to chow down.)
Cynric: Okay, we need a plan.
Croooooow: They are wrestling fans, but I don’t think they’ll fall for the same trick again, so we can’t use Nathan.
Voice: What?
(They turn around and come face to face with Stone Cold Steve Austin.)
Austin: I said what? You say somethin’?
Nykk: No, not to you… what are you doing here, anyway?
Austin: (gets in his face) Are you sassin’ me, boy? Stone Cold does what he wants, when he wants. You don’t tell Stone Cold Steve Austin what to do!
Nykk: I wasn’t…
(Huh stands up, angered.)
Huh: Hey, what the hell is this? IAMS!? Everyone knows Alpo’s better!
Austin: What?
Huh: Huh?
Austin: What?
Huh: Huh?
Austin: What? No, seriously, I can’t hear you. I still have these damn earplugs in. You wouldn’t believe how much Debra snores.
(He takes out some earplugs and throws them on the ground.)
Austin: (to Huh) You say somethin’?
Huh: Huh?
Austin: Look atcha! Yer pathetic! Nothin’ but a big tub of jello!
Nykk: Okay, I have an idea.
(He leads the rest of the Squad away, leaving Huh to be berated by Austin. They walk up to the line.)
Nykk: Hey! Stone Cold Steve Austin’s down in the parking lot! He said he’d be signing autographs!
(Most of the fans see him and start yelling with excitement. They run past the Squad and into the parking lot to surround Huh and Austin. However, a few diehard fans still keep their place.)
Cheesecake: I’ll take care of them.
(He saunters seductively up to the line and pulls one pant leg up.)
Cheesecake: Doe’th anybody want th’ome… Cheesecake!?
(Surprisingly, the rest of the men in the line look lustfully at Cheesecake and stalk toward him.)
Cheesecake: (backs off) Whoa, wait, I only pretend to…
(They start chasing him and Cheesecake makes a break for it. The only people that are left in the line are Wade and Bob-Dave. Cynric, Nykk, Croooooow and the Pyro Twins walk up to them.)
Bob-Dave: You guys again? That’s it, we’re calling the cops!
(Nykk, who had sneaked up from behind, waffles Bob-Dave with the Cookie Sheet of Doom. He slumps to the ground, out cold.)
Wade: Hey, you can’t do that to Bob-Dave! Paul Heyman says that we have the potential to be the most hardcore tag team in the wrestling business!
Croooooow: Hey, Wade!
Wade: What?
(He turns back to Croooooow, only to meet Croooooow’s and Cynric’s fists right between the eyes. He joins Bob-Dave in unconsciousness.)
Hamster: Nykk, where did you get that?
Nykk: From under the ring.
Croooooow: But there isn’t ring.
Nykk: (points to the ground) Then what’s that?
Croooooow: That isn’t a ring. That’s a hula-hoop.
Nykk: Maybe. I guess. Shut up.
(They’re rejoined by Cheesecake and Huh, who are nearly out of breath.)
Y2Jay: How did you guys get away?
Cheesecake: Austin beat up all the guys that were chasing me. He said something about saving me from ‘locker room atrocities.’ I took the opportunity to grab Nathan and get away.
(They all shrug and set up their chairs, the TV and so on. Slowly but surely the line drifts back and forms behind the PPV Squad. The night passes uneventfully, and as the sun comes up, the Squad stashes away their stuff and anticipates the opening of the box office.)
Nykk: How much longer?
Croooooow: Ten seconds.
Cynric: Well, it’s been about fourteen hours of watching movies and playing video games. It looks like our adventures are over.
Nykk: Yeah, it’s almost a shame we can’t go out with a bigger bang than this.
Shrill Voice: Hold it!
(They look up to see Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley blocking the box office.)
Y2Jay: You had to say it…
Steph: Getting these tickets is crucial to a plan hatched by the Alliance, mainly my brother Shane, Paul Heyman and myself. Who in the hell do you think you are to come in here and ruin it by taking out our covert agents like a bunch of… what are you doing?
(The PPV Squad has their hands over their ears.)
Cynric: Stop talking!
Steph: That’s just fine. I’ve brought some entertainment for you.
(She steps aside so that the Dudley Boyz, Rhyno, Shawn Stasiak and Test can get through.)
Croooooow: Uh oh…
Cheesecake: (holds the Squad back) Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this. Let’s do it, Nykk!
Nykk: Ew! No!
Cheesecake: (sighs) No, Slamcheese and Hack Manhouse!
Nykk: Oh… right. I knew that.
Nykk and Cheesecake: (join fists) PPV Squad Powers activate!
(Their bodies bulge outward and after a brilliant flash of light, Hack “Big Mac” Manhouse and Big McLargeHuge, otherwise known as the mighty Slamcheese step forward.)
Test: There’s just two of them! I’ll kick their asses myself!
(He pauses.)
Test: Rhyno, kick their asses!
Rhyno: Maim people!
(He tries for the Gore, but he merely bounces off Slamcheese’s stomach and sails up and out of sight into the horizon.)
Slamcheese: Slamcheese, ahahahahaha!
(The Alliance members charge, but Hack and Slamcheese make quick work of them. Their job finished, they transform back into Nykk and Cheesecake.)
Cheesecake: And that is that… oh crap…
(The wrestlers stand back up, no-selling the beating. They advance on the Squad, but a helicopter suddenly lands in the parking lot. The WWF Superstars run up to the line, and Vince McMahon himself gets out of the helicopter. The line murmurs in awe of the events, but dares not get up and leave their places again.)
Huh: It’s Vince! He came to save us!
(Vince walks up to them, taking time to swat Jeff Hardy with a broom.)
Vince: Git! Git! Damn Hardys, always in the way.
(He walks up to the Squad.)
Vince: Yes, that’s right. I’m here to bail you out. I found out how big this plan of Heyman’s was and knew I couldn’t trust you not to screw it up.
(The rest of the WCW/ECW Alliance runs in and begins brawling with the WWF Superstars. The Hardy Boyz team up against Chuck Palumbo. The Dudley Boyz take on Spike Dudley and Hardcore Holly. The Undertaker brawls with Raven, and so on. The crowd runs in all directions, looking to take cover.)
Nykk: Yeah! Let’s kick some ass!
Vince: Oh no you don’t. You’d just be in the way. Show!
(The ground shakes as the Big Show lumbers over to Vince.)
Show: Vince want me?
Vince: Yes, Vince has a job for you.
(He points to the PPV Squad.)
Vince: Throw them into a dumpster to keep them out of trouble until this is over.
Show: Dump…ster?
Vince: (sighs) Big shiny thing.
Show: (claps) Oh boy! Me see what you talk about!
(The Squad tries to run, but the Big Show picks them up one by one and heaves them into a nearby dumpster. He then lumbers away to help out the Rock, who is being teamed up on by Booker T and Chris Kanyon.)
Cynric: Well, we’re in familiar territory anyway.
Nykk: Come on! We have to get out there and help!
(They climb out of the dumpster, but come face to face with the Hurricane, Lance Storm, Hugh Morrus, Mark Jindrak, Justin Credible, Chavo Guerrero Jr. and Mike Awesome.)
Croooooow: Oh no, they sent most of the Jakked circuit after us.
Justin Credible: Shut your f-cking mouth!
Hurricane: Fear not, for the Hurricane is here. Citizens Nykk and Cheesecake, step forward.
(Nykk and Cheesecake look at each other quizzically.)
Hurricane: You are guilty of copyright infringement. There is a gimmick shared between Citizen Storm and myself… where we join hands to unleash our powers. Yet I just saw you two utilize the same thing moments ago… wassupwitdat!?
Nykk: Uh… we copied it from the Wonder Twins, same as you. How’s that copyright infringement?
Hurricane: Your excuses fall upon the deaf ears of justice…
Cynric: Justice is blind, not deaf.
Hurricane: Silence! Prepare to be Hurri-cuted!
(The Alliance members surround the Squad as the music from the 70s Batman series starts up. The Alliance attacks, but the PPV Squad soon dispatch them. Storm is met with a fist to the face by Nykk *BAM* Chavo is sent to the ground with a kick from Croooooow *WHACK!* Jindrak is put out of action when Huh sits on him *OOF!* Awesome is tripped by Cheesecake *THUMP!* The Hurricane is tackled by Y2Jay *OW!* Justin is backhanded by Cynric *CRACK!* and Morrus is smacked by the Hardcore Hamster *SMACK!* The PPV Squad walk away victoriously.)
Nykk: That was easy.
Croooooow: Come on! We have to help the WWF!
(They rush back to the fight but the Pyro Twins veer off.)
Cheesecake: Where are you two going?
Y2Jay: We’re going to get something that will win this fight!
(The rest of the Squad flies into the fray. Nykk and Croooooow ambush Tommy Dreamer while Cynric and Cheesecake go up against Chuck Palumbo and Sean O’Haire. Shawn Stasiak runs at Y2Jay, who is standing against the wall of the Nutter Center.)
Huh: Oh no you don’t! I told you that I’m the biggest idiot around here!
(Huh runs after him and lunges at Stasiak, missing by a mile. As Huh eats ground, Stasiak runs into the cardboard cut-out of Y2Jay, strategically placed against the wall. Stasiak goes right through the cardboard and knocks himself out.)
Croooooow: (clotheslines Dreamer) Where are we going with this?
Nykk: (stomps Test) I don’t know. We’re just senselessly fighting. How could anyone win this… holy shit, duck!
(Nykk dives out of the way, as does the rest of the Squad. Y2Jay is running toward them, panic-stricken, and behind him, hanging on for dear life to the back of a missile is the Hardcore Hamster. The missile soon overtakes Y2Jay and hits him in the back, carrying both Pyro Twins into the air.)
Croooooow: Looks like the Pyro Twins are blasting off again!
(Wrestlers dive out of the way as the missile careens toward the Nutter Center. At the last second, it goes upward, dropping the Pyro Twins to the concrete. It is soon out of sight.)
Cynric: What the hell were you two doing?
Hamster: Trying to win this fight. Duh.
Y2Jay: What? It’s not like it’s the dumbest thing we’ve ever done.
(The Squad shrugs.)
Nykk: I wonder where it went.
Croooooow: Never mind that. We have to get to the box office!
Cheesecake: (points to the left) Isn’t it this way?
Nykk: Right!
(They start to run to the right.)
Nykk: Where are you guys going?
Y2Jay: You said right.
Nykk: No, it’s left!
Cheesecake: But you said right!
Nykk: Right!
Croooooow: So we’re going right?
Nykk: No, left!
Cynric: (looks to his left) By George, he’s right!
(Elsewhere, on a sunny day in a park, Vince Russo gets up from a bench to shake hands with is long-time friend Ed Ferrara.)
Ed: Hey Vince, how have you been?
Russo: Never better. I just got the bandages removed from my face from when we were caught in that arena exploding.
Ed: Yeah, we were burned pretty badly.
Russo: I can’t believe they replaced me with a robot in WCW. It made even worse booking decisions than me!
Ed: (quietly) I was making the decisions…
(Out of nowhere, the missile hits the ground right in front of them and blows up everything within a one hundred foot radius. Meanwhile, back at the arena, the brawl has fizzled out. The wrestlers, having no commercial break to stop their senseless fighting, get tired and start to leave. At the same time, the PPV Squad is buying as many tickets as they’re allowed to. They hurry to catch up with Vince before he leaves.)
Nykk: Vince!
Vince: Oh. You. What do you want?
Croooooow: We got the tickets, just like you wanted. Eight from each of us comes to fifty-six floor seats. You have to give us our jobs back!
Vince: (sighs) I suppose. Fine, if you answer just one question for me, you’re back in. However, only one of you is allowed to answer, so decide amongst yourselves.
(They all look at Croooooow. He sighs and searches through the vast amount of string for some straw. When he finds it, he hands it to Nykk, who mixes them up in one hand and holds them out. Everyone picks a straw except for Croooooow.)
Nykk: Do you want to pick first or let me?
Croooooow: (picks a straw) You know, that’s a really obscure reference.
Nykk: I got the short straw. Ask away, Vince.
Vince: Well I did have some big philosophical question you would have no chance in Hell answering correctly, but I just have to know… who in the hell was behind GTV!?
Nykk: (sighs) You really want to know?
Vince: Yes!
Nykk: It’s…
(Out of nowhere, Rhyno re-emerges and gores Vince. Paul Heyman steps out from behind a car.)
Heyman: Gore! Gore! Gore!
(Rhyno walks away and the Squad helps Vince up, laughing at the alliteration of it all.)
Vince: Ha ha, very funny. Fine, you have your jobs back, but I currently have no room on my roster for you. Therefore, you will travel back in time and help me out last year. Got it?
Cheesecake: But that doesn’t make any sense!
(He looks at Croooooow.)
Cheesecake: Is this a cheap plug for PPV Squad Renegade?
Croooooow: Yes. Yes it is.
Nykk: Maybe you should FINISH it before you plug it in MY series.
(Croooooow shrugs as the future Hardcore Hamster’s Monte Carlo appears in the parking lot. ‘ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US’ is spray painted on the side.)
Nykk: I guess this is it.
Cynric: Yeah. Goodbye modern Dayton.
(They all pile into the car, with the Hardcore Hamster driving. They set it to the day in the year 2000 that PPV Squad Renegade: Chapter 1 was released.)
Croooooow: I guess this is the part where we all reveal what we learned throughout this experience.
Nykk: Uh…
Cheesecake: Right…
Huh: Huh?
Y2Jay: All right! Let’s go, Dusty!
Hamster: I oughta smack ya!
(He starts the car and pulls out of the parking lot.)
Croooooow: To be continued in PPV Squad Renegade…
Huh: Are we there yet? I have to go to the bathroom. Hey! A slice of pizza!
PPV Squad: Oh sh…
(The Monte Carlo blinks out of time.)
The End… Freakin’ Finally!