(In the town of Dayton, OH, our heroes the PPV Squad sit in Croooooow’s Pimpmobile, which is in a long line of cars trying to get into the Hara Arena parking lot. They are joined by a young man a few years older than the rest; he is Croooooow’s brother Mark, but from now on, shall be known as Cynric.)
Croooooow: (yelling out the window) Come on! How hard can it be to tell the damn cars where to park?
(He looks to the front of the line, where a parking attendant is asleep in his chair.)
Croooooow: Screw this! (He puts his foot on the gas, cuts across the construction fence that was supposed to be a barrier, and nearly hits a fan dressed as Roadkill.)
Nykk: Oh my God! You almost ran over Roadkill! (thinks about what he said) Uh...
(Croooooow parks right in front of the arena.)
(They all get out of the car.)
Nykk: We made it, freakin’ finally!
Y2Jay: Yeah, but that’s the last time I let Jim drive.
Cheesecake: Look at the pot call the kettle black.
Huh: Huh?
Cynric: Let’s just go inside.
Croooooow: What, nothing wacky to say?
Nykk: Yeah, you’ve been disappointing thus far as a PPV Squad member.
Cynric: I’ve only had one line!
Cheesecake: That’s the spirit!
(They walk to the arena doors but are stopped by several burly cops.)
Officer 1: Hold it, people. We have to search you for weapons first.
Nykk: What? What is this, an ECW event?
(Croooooow whispers something in Nykk’s ear.)
Nykk: Oh yeah!
(The guards search Nykk, Croooooow, Cheesecake, and Cynric and then let them through. However, Officer 1 starts to pat down Y2Jay and feels something metallic.)
Officer 1: What the hell is that? (pulls a knife out of his pocket)
Y2Jay: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
(The officers find five more knives on Y2Jay.)
Y2Jay: Can I go now?
(The officers take him by the shoulders and turn him upside down. Several large knives, a few pocket knives, and a keychain that turns into a knife fall to the ground.)
Officer 2: OK, now you can go. (Y2Jay joins the rest of the PPV Squad.)
Huh: I don’t have any weapons...
Officer 1: (pats the front of Huh’s shirt) Oh yeah? Then what’s that?
Y2Jay: Fat.
(They lift up Huh’s shirt, causing his belly to escape. The rest of the PPV Squad shudders.)
Officer 2: All right, you can go.
(The PPV Squad walks into the building, where several fans are walking around.)
Huh: I’ve never seen such a huge and wondrous place!
Croooooow: Nathan, the Nutter Center was much larger than this.
(Meanwhile, Nykk scopes out the merchandise stand.)
Nykk: (to Y2Jay) OK, when I was here for a house show once, they were sold out of Heat Wave ‘98. The next time, Jim got the last copy they had. They just opened up, they’re sure to have it now.
Merchandise Lady: May I help you?
Nykk: Do you have any copies of Heat Wave ‘98?
Merchandise Lady: I’m sorry, we’re sold out, even though you’re the first person in the last six weeks to ask for a copy.
Nykk: No copies again? Has the world gone stupid!?
*Writer’s note: No, I’m not bitter.*
Cynric: Quick, let’s get to our seats. Maybe we can sneak past the staff so we don’t have to sit in general admission.
(They walk through a corridor into the arena, and climb the stairs to the short balcony that is the general admission section.)
Y2Jay: (looks around) Okay, let’s climb through the opening in between the railings. Jim, go! (Croooooow crawls through and lands on the floor.) Mark, go! (Mark goes through.) Art, go! (Cheesecake goes through.) Nick, go!
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever. (Pushes him through.)
(Y2Jay goes through next, followed by Huh. However, Huh gets stuck.)
Huh: Guys, a little help!
(Croooooow grabs his left arm, and Nykk grabs his right arm. After a great deal of effort, they manage to get him through.)
Cynric: We should be all right, as long as we don’t leave to get food, drinks, or go to the bathroom.
(However, Huh is already halfway across the arena, being led towards a curtain by the smell of popcorn.)
Cheesecake: Nathan, stop! (He pulls Huh around.)
(Huh belches right in Cheesecake’s face, and at the same time, farts on Nykk, who was standing right behind him.)
Cheesecake: Ugh!
Nykk: Jesus f’n Christ!
Croooooow: Are you guys alright?
Nykk: I think so. Hey, I think Nathan’s internal gas gave me superhuman powers.
Cheesecake: Me too.
Cynric: I doubt it. That only works in fiction.
Croooooow: (inspecting the curtain) Wait a minute. There are no concession stands back that way.
Nykk: Well, where do you suppose it goes?
Croooooow: Only one way to find out.
(He goes through the curtain. Nykk shrugs and follows him. Smelling the popcorn, Huh sprints past them.)
Croooooow: Wait, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, wait!
Y2Jay: Wait, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Y2Jay) Make Nathan wait!
(They chase him down the hallway, and soon end up backstage, where several wrestlers are getting ready to go out to the ring.)
Nykk: Uh oh.
Croooooow: What is it?
Nykk: I feel... funny.
Cheesecake: Me too...
(Suddenly, their skin starts to balloon, and they grow into two very large people. After a flash of light, two fat guys stand where Nykk and Cheesecake once were. One is wearing an Al Snow inspired Avatar mask, pants painted like cow skin, and a leather vest, and the other is African American, and wearing blue overalls, with a blue shirt, and sunglasses.)
Huh: All I have to say is, “HUH!?”
Cynric: For once, I agree with Nathan.
Croooooow: Nathan, your fart and belch must have turned them into their WWF Attitude characters... Nykk has become Hack “Big Mac” Manhouse, and Art has become Big McLargeHuge, otherwise known as the great Slamcheese!
Y2Jay: My God! They’re easily twice as big as Nathan!
Croooooow: Yeah. Manhouse is a super heavyweight that thinks he’s a light heavyweight, and Slamcheese is just... well... a big fat homosexual.
Slamcheese: (in a high-pitched, lisping voice) Slaaaaaamcheeeese, ahahahahahaha!
Croooooow: He even retained Art’s impression of him.
(Meanwhile, the smell of popcorn lured Huh to its source: Sal E. Graziano, who has his head stuck in a huge bag of popcorn like an ostrich sticks its head in the sand.)
Graziano: (pulls his head out) Whad’you want?
Huh: Popcorn. (He grabs the bag.) Yoink!
Graziano: Hey! (He chases Huh back to where the PPV Squad stands and finds himself face to face with Hack Manhouse and Big McLargeHuge.)
Graziano: Whoa! (He attempts to make a U-turn, but due to his girth only succeeds in a C-turn, taking out a couple of vending machines.)
Voice: What’s that f**kin’ racket?
(Paul Heyman walks into the room and catches sight of Nykk and Cheesecake.)
Heyman: Wow! You guys are f**kin’ huge! How would you like to f**kin’ wrestle a f**kin’ tryout match tonight?
(Hack and Big look at each other.)
Y2Jay: (steps in) As their manager, I’ll speak for them. Under no circumstances would we wrestle anywhere without being paid...
Heyman: Let me write you a f**kin’ check.
Everyone: NO!
Heyman: Okay, then. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten bucks.) Here you f**kin’ go. (Gives it to Y2Jay.)
Y2Jay: Eh, it’s better than nothing.
(Suddenly, the ECW theme starts up, and the crowd outside goes wild.)
Heyman: F***! You guys are f**kin’ on! You’re going to wrestle the f**kin’ Impact Players. Uh, what are your f**kin’ names?
Y2Jay: Hack “Big Mac” Manhouse and Big McLargeHuge, otherwise known as the mighty Slamcheese.
Heyman: And your f**kin’ team name?
(All three trade glances.)
Y2Jay: Uh.. um... Hack “Big Mac” Manhouse and Big McLargeHuge, otherwise known as the mighty Slamcheese?
Heyman: All right, f**kin’ go! (He pushes them through the curtain.)
Croooooow: Wait a minute. We can’t just sit here and let them hog the remainder of the episode. Let’s go do something.... PPV Squad-ish, guys.
Cynric: But what?
Croooooow: (thinking) I have a notion. Follow me. (He walks up a flight of stairs. Cynric and Huh follow him.)
(They eventually stumble upon the broadcast booth, where Joey Styles and Joel Gertner are getting ready to go on the air.)
Croooooow: Hey Joey!
Joey: What the hell!? Security!
(Paul Heyman peers in from behind another curtain.)
Heyman: Sorry, Joey, but it’s f**kin’ tax season, and I had to f**kin’ cut security out of our f**kin’ budget.
(Croooooow, Huh, and Cynric sit down and don headsets.)
Croooooow: Well, we’re going to have a tremendous match this evening. Two of the largest athletes in wrestling, as of five minutes ago, are going to be taking on the team of Justin Credible and Lance Storm.
Joey: Fans, I apologize. It seems that for the first time in ECW history, some fans have taken over the broadcast position.
(El Phantasmo and the Chicken Run Blast-o-Rama plays over the speakers and The Impact Players make their way to the ring.)
Cynric: The Impact Players are accompanied by Jason and Dawn Marie Bytch...
Joey: Um... you have to spell it out.
Cynric: Why?
Joey: Because TNN is all about family values as it relates to guys smashing each other through tables.
Cynric: (clears throat) That’s B-I-T-C-H.
(Joey smacks himself in the forehead.)
(In the ring, Slamcheese and Manhouse are ready for action.)
Bob Ortiz: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an Extreme Tag Match scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by Dawn Marie, from the wrestling capital of the world, Calgary
Croooooow: dot dot dot
Ortiz: Alberta, Canada, weighing 235 lbs. Laaaaaance Stooooorm!
(Lance poses.)
Ortiz: Now, introducing, the World’s Sexiest Man, Jaaaaasssoooon!
(Jason poses.)
Ortiz: Introducing, from Ozone Park, NY, weighing 245 lbs., Justiiiiiiin Creeeedible!
(Justin poses.)
Ortiz: (confused) Introducing their opponents, from... somewhere... (shakes his head) weighing... one can only wonder... Hack “Big Mac” Manhouse and Big McLargeHuge, otherwise known as the mighty Slamcheese!
(Slamcheese and Credible start the match.)
Joey: Talk about your classic mismatch!
Huh: Talk about your classic mismatch!
Joey: I just said that!
Huh: Huh?
Slamcheese: Slamcheese, ahahahahahaha!
Justin: What’s your problem? (pushes him.)
Slamcheese: (rubs his breasts) Come here, boys, and let me show you what Slamcheese is all about!
(Justin tags Lance without hesitation.)
Lance: Okay, I’ll wrestle you, you Mark Henry wannabe, because I’m the most technically sound athlete and the most gifted athlete in all the sport of professional wrestling today from the wrestling capital of the world... (Lance hunches over, taking deep breaths, because he tried to say too much in one breath and ran out of air.)
Cynric: This doesn’t make sense. It’s ten seconds in, and the fat guy’s still fresh, but the athlete is already blown up!
(Slamcheese tags in Manhouse.)
Manhouse: Hack hungry!
(He executes a flying headscissors on Lance.)
Joey: Oh my God!
Huh: Oh my God!
Joey: You know, you’re really beginning to annoy me.
Croooooow: Welcome to our world.
(Back in the ring, Manhouse pounds on Lance some more and throws him over the top rope through a table.)
Crowd: (chanting) ECW! ECW!
(Meanwhile, Manhouse is murdering Lance Storm with enziguris, sky twister presses, and hurricanranas.)
Croooooow: Forget Rikishi, that’s the most agile fat man I’ve ever seen!
(Meanwhile, for no apparent reason, Enter Sandman blares across the speakers. The Sandman is in the rafters.)
Cynric: What the hell’s going on?
Huh: It’s just... something.
Croooooow: Thank you for clarifying that, Nathan.
Joey: It’s the Sandman, coming to help out the team of Manhouse and Slamcheese!
Cynric: Well, what an illogical turn this match has taken.
(Manhouse belches in Lance’s face.)
Joey: Talk about insult to injury. I don’t think any of us want to smell what the Hack is cookin’.
Huh: Bacon?
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Y2Jay: (yells up from ringside) Shut up, fatboy!
Manhouse: Nathan, shut up!
Slamcheese: (smacks Manhouse on the shoulder) Shut Nathan up!
Crowd: (chanting) Shut-up Nath-an! *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap* Shut-up Nath-an! *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*
(Meanwhile, the Sandman is still making his way to the ring.)
(Suddenly, the lights go out and the crowd pops. When they come back on, two very short, familiar figures are in the ring.)
Croooooow: Oh my God, it’s Taz! And... Taz!?
(Two identical Tazes stand in the middle of the ring with their arms crossed.)
Cynric: Doesn’t this infringe on some sort of copyright law?
Croooooow: Oh my God, it’s Tazz! And... Tazz!?
Cynric: No, I mean I thought Taz was a part of the WWF. And why are there two of them?
Joey: You know how you keep a couple copies of your important files on disk in case you lose the original?
Cynric: Yeah.
Joey: Well, this is sort of like that. We keep copies of all our wrestlers. We have RVD, Sabu, Mikey Whipwreck, Raven, P.N. News...
Croooooow: Why would you want to copy P.N. News?
Joey: Beats me, but we have twenty of him for some reason.
Cynric: But... how is it possible?
Croooooow: It’s okay, Mark. This is the Adventures of the PPV Squad. For the duration, nothing makes sense.
Cynric: Oh yeah!
Joey: I think we have ourselves a Three Way Dance here!
Taz 1: Yo, ECW, Ah’m back, and Ah’m still Taz...
Taz 2: ...Beat me if you can! Suhvive... if I let you!
(Suddenly, there’s a flash of light, and Manhouse and Slamcheese are gone. In their place stand Nykk and Cheesecake.)
Cheesecake: Uh oh... (looks across the ring at Credible, Storm, Taz, and Taz.)
Nykk: We need our powers back! (Joins his fist with Cheesecake’s.)
Both: PPV Squad powers activate!
(Nothing happens.)
Nykk: Crap. Run!
(They run out of the ring, taking Y2Jay with them. Credible, Marie, Storm, and Jason give chase.)
(Meanwhile, The Sandman is still making his way to the ring.)
Taz 1: I have vanquished anotha foe, thanks to my pahtna...
Taz 2: What’ya mean by that? Are you sayin’ that you’re dependent upon my help? That Ah’m responsible for your well-being?
Taz 1: No, Ah’m not sayin’ that, I just meant that I appreciate your help...
Taz 2: Oh, so you appreciate my help? What am I, some sort of hee-ro who comes tah save the day, am I Superman, do I leap tohll buildings in a single bound?
Taz 1: No, I’m not sayin’ that, you can’t leap tohll buildings...
Taz 2: Oh, so I can’t leap tohll buildings. Am I some fatso, am I not athletic enough to leap a building, is dat what you’re sayin’?
Taz 1: No, I didn’t say you were fat...
Taz 2: Oh, so now Ah’m a skinny boy!
Taz 1: No, you’re not skinny...
Taz 2: Dat’s it! Come ‘ere!
(He punches Taz in the face, and they start violently attacking each other.)
(Meanwhile, the Sandman is still making his way to the ring.)
Elsewhere...
(Y2Jay, Nykk, and Cheesecake run from the Impact Players. They come to a T intersection.)
Cheesecake: Which way? Left?
Nykk: Right!
(Nykk runs left, while Y2Jay and Cheesecake run right.)
Nykk: (stops) Where are you guys going?
Y2Jay: You said right!
Nykk: Right.
Cheesecake: What, you meant left?
Nykk: Right.
Y2Jay: Okay, we’ll go right.
Nykk: No, left!
Justin: There you are! (The Impact Players corner him as the scene fades out.)
(When it fades back in, the PPV Squad is sitting on the curb outside of Hara Arena.)
Huh: I can’t believe they went and got those two entrance security guys to throw us out.
Nykk: It’s a good thing they did, otherwise we might have taken a beating.
Cynric: Oh well. We got to call a match, and you guys got to wrestle one. Not bad for a bunch of underachieving wrestling fans.
Cheesecake: Hey, this is ECW, isn’t it?
Croooooow: I just thought of something... we’ve been backstage at a house show, blamed for the formation of GTV, foiled Vince Russo & Ed Ferarra, blown up an arena, and now called and wrestled a match. Yet, we seem to lack a beginning.
Y2Jay: I know what you mean, it’s like I forgot an entire day of my life or something.
Nykk: Well, then we’ll have to go on a quest...
Huh: But we’re already on a quest...
Nykk: Not to find the perfect PPV card, but to search out our lost past.
Croooooow: Do you think we’ll find it?
Nykk: I don’t know, but we’ll have a fun, wacky time trying, won’t we? Let’s go home, guys.
(Meanwhile, the Sandman finally reaches the ring only to find it and the arena empty.)
Sandman: Huh? Where did everyone go?
Mikey Whipwreck: Hey, Jim, move it! If I don’t get this ring down and packed in twenty minutes, I’ll miss Cleopatra 2525!
--The End