(In the puny town of Bellbrookville, it’s party time at Croooooow’s house. The (nearly) entire PPV Squad is in his living room, celebrating the 5th episode of the PPV Squad.)
Huh: Where’s Jay?
Croooooow: Hold on, I’ve been trying to get a hold of him for the past six hours. (he dials a few numbers into a phone)
Answering Machine: Oh, you didn’t know? Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
Croooooow: Oops, I called the Road Dogg by mistake.
Nykk: Really? You dialed the wrong number?
Croooooow: (finally gets the right number) Here we go.
(The phone rings.)
Y2Jay: Hello?
Croooooow: Jay, it’s Jim. Are you going to be able to make it tonight?
Y2Jay: Sorry, I’ve gotta work.
(Collective PPV Squad exasperated sigh™)
Cheesecake: How are we going to have the fifth episode without Y2Jay?
Cynric: Hold on. I’ve got an idea.
(He leaves the room and comes back with a life-size cardboard cut out of Y2Jay.)
Nykk: But who’ll say his lines?
Cynric: The tape recorder it looks like he’s holding is real. Just press PLAY when you need a line and... (presses PLAY, and an audible click is heard.)
Y2Jay: Sorry, I’ve gotta work. (Another click is heard as Cynric presses STOP)
Cheesecake: (lisping) Oh, he has thuch a thexthy voith!
Nykk: Great, now who’s going to be the designated Y2Jay carrier?
Croooooow: We’ll draw straws. (He runs and grabs five straws, cutting one off at the halfway point. He walks back with five straws in his hand.)
(Cynric, Huh, and Cheesecake pick their straws.)
Croooooow: (to Nykk) You want to pick first or let me?
Nykk: Oh please, what kind of a moron would fall for that? (picks a straw)
Croooooow: Damn, I got the short one! How do I always get stuck with Jay? (He takes Y2Jay from Cynric.)
(The doorbell rings.)
Huh: I’ll get it!
Croooooow: This isn’t your house, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, this isn’t your house!
Y2Jay: *click* This isn’t your house, fatboy! *click*
Cheesecake: (to Nykk) Tell Nathan this isn’t his house!
(Huh opens the door to find a guy in a suit standing there.)
Suit Guy: Are you Croooooow?
Croooooow: (shoves his way past Huh) I’m Croooooow.
Suit Guy: I’m a guy in a suit from the World Wrestling Federation. Congratulations, you’ve won the WrestleMania sign contest!
Croooooow: But I didn’t enter any... (Nykk shoves him out of the way)
Nykk: ...doorway. Where’s the limo?
Suit Guy: Right there. (points to a black limo in Croooooow’s driveway.)
Nykk: Great! Let’s go, guys!
Suit Guy: Wait, he can only take one other per--*SMACK*
(The guy in a suit falls to the ground and the Hardcore Hamster walks out of the bushes.)
Hamster: I long distance smacked ‘im.
Y2Jay: *click* Dusty!? How did you get here? *click*
Nykk: (holds up a beeper) I have him on call in case I need someone smacked properly, Jay.
Cynric: Uh, Nykk, you don’t need to talk to the cardboard cut out.
Hamster: My work here is done. (walks back into the bushes)
Huh: Anyway, let’s go! I hear private jets have great food!
(They pile in the limosuine.)
Nykk: Alright, driver, take us to WrestleMania!
(The limo drives to Dayton International Airport, where the PPV Squad get on the private jet ‘Mediocrity’ and take off for Anaheim.)
Nykk: Wow, I can’t believe we’re actually going to WresleMania!
Cheesecake: Maybe they’ll let us jump in the ring like the last time we were at an event.
Y2Jay: *click* Oh Hell yeah! *click*
Croooooow: Oops, I think I accidentally intercepted a talking Austin doll sound file.
Nykk: I thought this was supposed to be a private jet! What’s Tim White doing here?
White: I refuse to take the verbal abuse from the other refs, with all their “Shut up, Tim,” “Tim, shut up,” “Shut up, fat man,” “Shut Tim up,” and whatnot.
Cynric: (to Croooooow) Wait a minute. What about your quest to find your lost memories that Nykk’s hinted at in two episodes?
Croooooow: But you see, um... that is... uh... look! A big distracting thing! (points in a direction and starts running, even though Cynric never turns around.)
Huh: Where? Where!? (looks frantically around)
(At that moment, a toilet flush is heard, and none other than Crash Holly comes out of the restroom, carrying the Hardcore Title with a trail of toilet paper coming out of his boot. The plane jolts and Crash falls onto his back. The running Croooooow falls on top of him.) (White’s hand starts to shake.)
White: Uh-oh... (all of a sudden, he dives for the ground and counts to three.)
Nykk: What the...
White: The winner and new Hardcore Champion... (whispers to Croooooow) What did you say your name was?
Croooooow: Croooooow.
White: Crow!
Croooooow: Don’t call me that! It’s Croooooow!
White: Whatever.
(The plane jolts again.)
Y2Jay: *click* What the hell’s doing that? *click*
(Suddenly, the plane door bursts open, and a couple of burly men enter, followed by a smaller man.)
Cynric: Who are you?
Smaller Man: Who am I? I am the very focus of this business you criticize and mock... no longer will we tolerate your unwillingness to realize the greatness of The Rock... no longer will we tolerate your anti-Mideon-ism... or your disdainful disapproval of T & A... I am your worst nightmare. I am... Casual Fan!
Nykk & Croooooow: NOOOO!
Casual Fan: Yes! (indicates his two bodyguards) This is my Strike Team, codenamed Target Audience. On the left is Males...
(Males nods.)
Casual Fan: And on the right is Age(nt) 18-34.
(Suddenly, Cheesecake fells Croooooow with a punch to the head and makes the cover. Tim White makes a three count.)
White: The winner, and new Hardcore Champion... Cheesecake!
Casual Fan: We must prevent you from making it to WrestleMania at all costs!
Nykk: That’s what you think! Jump, guys! We’re taking a fall from Mediocrity!
(They all jump out of the plane before realizing they don’t have any parachutes. As an afterthought, Cynric pulls Tim White with him.)
Y2Jay: *click* Okay, genius, now how do we land safely? *click*
Nykk: Everyone get behind Nathan! We can use him as a shield against the force of the ground.
Huh: Yeah! (thinks for a minute) Hey!
Cynric: Wait a second! The laws of physics...
Croooooow: Mark... PPV Squad, remember?
Cynric: Gotcha!
(They get behind Nathan, who shrieks as the ground nears. Finally, there’s a huge *CRASH* and The PPV Squad climb out of the big hole Huh left in the ground.)
Croooooow: Okay, now what? You know Casual Fan and Target Audience are going to be looking for us.
Y2Jay: *click* We need to find a place with lots of guns and hold it against him! *click*
Nykk: He’s right. But where?
Cheesecake: An armory?
Nykk: No, too obvious. (He picks up a loose concrete block, nails Cheesecake in the head with it, and covers him. Tim White makes the count.)
White: The winner, and new Hardcore Champion... Nick!
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Y2Jay: *click* Whatever. *click*
Nykk: They’d be there before we even got there.
Voice: Attention Questers! Anyone holding a yellow arrow please report to airlock immediately!
Croooooow: That’s it! We’ll hold Laser Quest!
Cynric: Where did that Marshal’s voice come from?
Nykk: Just down the street. (he indicates a Laser Quest a couple hundred feet down the road.)
Huh: (climbs out of the hole) I don’t think I’m fit to walk, you guys...
Cheesecake: Don’t worry about it. I’ll get us some transportation.
(A few minutes later, Cheesecake comes back with six black quads, which on the sides are labeled, ‘PPV Quad.’)
Nykk: Excellent! We’ll ride to Laser Quest in style!
(They ride to Laser Quest in style, and then get off the quads and enter. Loud music is playing, and arcade machines are making various noises.)
Cheesecake: (looks around) Hey! This place is filled with WWF Superstars! We must have landed in Anaheim.
(All around, the stars of the WWF are playing video games or eagerly awaiting their scorecards. Meanwhile, Nykk walks up to the Marshal at the front desk.)
Nykk: Hey, we’re taking over this place, Marshal... (looks at his name tag) Clown.
Clown: Cool! But first, you’ll have to become a member! It’s only twenty dollars!
Nykk: What?
Clown: You’ll even get your name painted on the wall!
Nykk: Oh, all right then. (fills out a form and pays Clown.)
Croooooow: Attention, everyone! (all the wrestlers look at him) There are a bunch of marks heading this way, and we’ll need your help to...
(The Superstars start to scream and panic.)
The Rock: Not marks! They rip at The Rock’s clothes, follow The Rock into the bathroom for his autograph, and spit The Rock’s catchphrases back at him and think that it’s the most hilarious thing ever...
Chris Jericho: Eeeeeeever....
Rock: ...done!
Huh: (laughing hysterically) It doesn’t matter if it’s the most hilarious thing ever done!
(The wrestlers all flee, seeking hiding places.)
Cheesecake: C’mon, you guys, you have to help us! They’re trying to prevent us from going to WrestleMania!
Steve Austin: Yeah, what’s the matter with you sons of bitches! Just because some jackass fans may be coming, you decide to hide it out? Well, aah-aah! Stone Cold says to drag your asses out here and stand up for yourselves! Now gimme a ‘Hell Yeah!’
Y2Jay: *click* Oh Hell Yeah! *click*
Croooooow: Not again.
Nykk: Come on guys, we need to form a battle plan...
(Suddenly, Cynric takes the hockey puck from the Air Hockey table and throws it at Nykk. It hits him in the head, knocking him to the ground. Cynric jumps on top of him and Tim White makes the three count.)
White: The winner and new Hardcore Champion... Cynric!
(Croooooow walks over to the foozball table, where Chris Jericho is hanging on to a table leg, sucking his thumb.)
Croooooow: Come on, Chris, don’t let the marks scare you. I know they don’t appreciate your talent, but they do enjoy your witty catchphrases and inability to get your opponent’s names right...
Jericho: Hey, you’re right! (jumps up) Bring ‘em on!
Huh: Guys, I got the guns! (Brings out a bunch of Laser Quest shoulder packs with lasers.)
Cheesecake: Uh, Nykk, I don’t know if you realize this, but...
Nykk: (wakes up from his stunned daze) What?
Cheesecake: These aren’t real guns!
Nykk: So sue me. We’ll have to come up with a better plan then...
(The PPV Squad huddle.)
(Later on, Laser Quest is still until the the PPV Squad walk side by side out of the bathroom, like the Mystery Men. Then they get stuck trying to get through the hallway all at once. When they make it out, they stand in the middle of the lobby, ready to fight. The doors blast open, and Casual Fan, along with Target Audience and an army of marks walk in with their real lasers.)
Casual Fan: Have you finally given up?
Nykk: Ha! We’re the PPV Squad! We never give up unless we’re bored! But to get through us, you’ll have to break through our lines of defense!
(On cue, Steve Austin, The Rock, Chris Jericho, Triple H, and many other superstars walk out of the airlock.)
Austin: And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so!
Triple H: I AM the Game!
Rock: If ya smeellllll what The Rock is cookin’!
Jericho: The Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a!
(The marks all gasp at once and give chase to the Superstars who run into the Laser Quest arena, with the army following them.)
Austin: That’s all I got to say about that!
HHH: Because I am that damn good!
Rock: ...and stick it straight up your candy ass!
Jericho: ....A-gain!
(With their army gone, Casual Fan and Target Audience step toward the PPV Squad.)
Croooooow: Not so fast! First, you have to get past... (indicates the hallway to the bathroom) Tazz, Tazz, Tazz, and Tazz!
(Four Tazzes walk out of the hallway and stand in front of the PPV Squad with their arms folded.)
Tazz 1: You may beat me, but cha’ll nevva defeat me...
Tazz 2: Whad’ya mean by dat? Ah you sayin’ that Ah couldn’t defeat you?
Tazz 1: No, Ah’m not sayin’ that, we’re both equal...
Tazz 3: Oh, so we’re both equal now? What am Ah, some sort of Civil Rights activist?
Tazz 1: No, Ah wasn’t even tohlkin’ tah you...
Tazz 3: Oh, so you weren’t tohlkin’ tah me. What, am Ah not good enough for you to tolhk to, is dat it?
Tazz 4: No, he’s not sayin’ dat...
Tazz 2: Oh, so he’s not sayin’ dat? He can’t speak for hmself, so he has to have brotha speak for ‘im?
Tazz 4: No, I don’t hafta speak for ‘im...
Tazz 1: Oh, so you wouldn’t speak for me, is dat it?
Tazz 3: He’s not sayin’ dat...
Tazzes 1,2,3, and 4: Dat’s it! Come ‘ere! (They start violently attacking each other.)
(Casual Fan and Target Audience walk past the Tazzes and advance on the PPV Squad.)
Nykk: Now for my contingency plan... (uses a pay phone to dial a number)
Hamster: (walks out of the bathroom) Nykk, does someone need a smackin’? (he walks over to Huh and smacks him. Huh staggers backwards and falls into Cynric. They fall over with Huh landing on top of him)
Cynric: Dude! You’re sitting on me!
(Tim White makes a three count.)
White: The winner and new Hardcore Champion... Huh!
Everyone: HUH?
Huh: I’m bringing home the bacon!
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: *click* Shut up, fatboy! *click*
Cheesecake: (to Croooooow) Shut Nathan up!
Nykk: Now Dusty, smack them! (he indicates Target Audience)
(Dusty takes a can of lighter fluid out of his leather jacket and squirts it all over his hand. He then takes his Zippo and lights his own hand on fire.)
Hamster: Now for my next trick... The Flaming Smack!
(He starts smackin’ Males and Age(nt) 18-34 until they run out the door.)
Hamster: My work here is done. (he walks back into the bathroom)
Nykk: Wait! What about Casual Fan?
(Meanwhile, several reserve marks enter to back up Casual Fan. Croooooow gets Cynric, Cheesecake, and Huh ready with their lasers.)
Croooooow: Remember, don’t fire unless it’s at the whites of their eyes!
(The PPV Squad fires, blinding the marks with their lasers while Nykk does battle with Casual Fan.)
Huh: I’ve got an idea! (he bends over with his back to the marks and lets out a fart. The marks lose consciousness instantly.)
Marks: Oh no! He’s using chemical warfare! Retreat! (They run away)
Casual Fan: Ha! I’m still not defeated. You remember the fact that you can’t remember a whole episode?
Nykk: Yeah, so?
Casual Fan: I have it right here... (takes out a container) You’re memories are in Nathan’s fart!
Huh: Huh? (with surprising agility, he runs over to Casual Fan and backs him into a corner.) Steal my farts will you? I’ll teach you! (Raises a fist to hit Casual Fan.)
Casual Fan: (points) Look! A big distracting thing!
Huh: (looks around frantically) Where!? Where!?
(Casual Fan ducks under his arm and out into the open. The PPV Squad collectively groans.)
Cheesecake: Nathan, he was pointing directly at you!
Casual Fan: You’ll never defeat me! Bye now! (He makes his escape out the front door.)
(Huh walks back to the rest of the PPV Squad, but Y2Jay’s tape recorder falls out of his hand and lands on Huh’s foot.)
Huh: Ow! (He stumbles into Croooooow, and falls with Y2Jay’s cardboard cut out landing right on top of him.)
Y2Jay: *click* Watch it, fatboy! *click*
(Tim White hits the ground and makes a three count.)
White: The winner and new Hardcore Champion... Y2Jay!
Nykk: Well, there seems to be nothing left to do here... for now.
(Austin emerges from the airlock.)
Austin: Hey, you guys were pretty good back there! How would you like a lift to WrestleMania?
Y2Jay: *click* Oh Hell Yeah! *click*
(Croooooow sighs.)
Nykk: (as they all exit) I can’t help but thinking we forgot something...
(Meanwhile, Crash Holly emerges from the airlock, still with his Laser Quest shoulder pack on. He spies the cardboard cut out of Y2Jay lying on the ground with the Hardcore belt.)
Crash: There you are! (He covers the cardboard cut out and Tim White makes the three count.)
White: The winner and new Hardcore Champion... Crash Holly!
(Crash grabs his belt, and as casually as possible, strolls out of Laser Quest with his laser dragging on the ground behind him.)
--The End
Nykk: (re-enters) WAIT!
Croooooow: What?
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: We can’t end the episode like this!
Cheesecake: (lisping) He’th right. There’th not enough Chee’thcake in thi’th epi’thode.
Cynric: Well, what do you suggest, Nykk?
Nykk: Song and dance!
(Suddenly, the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” starts up.)
Cheesecake: (singing) I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really really want...
Nykk: Not that! (indicates the hallway to the bathroom) Help me out, guys!
Too Cool and Rikishi’s theme strikes up and Grand Master Sexay, Scotty Too Hotty, and Rikishi walk out of the bathroom.)
Nykk: C’mon, guys, let’s rap!
(Huh tries to walk away, but Croooooow and Cynric stop him. They put some shades on him, and Huh gets a distant look on his face. He lines up in the center of the PPV Squad, and points down with two fingers. The lights go off, and the PPV Squad does the Too Cool dance.)
Nykk: (rapping) Yo, check it out!
Croooooow: Don’t whisper the name, you gotta shout!
One fall scheduled for this bout!
Cynric: PPV Squad, it’s time to introduce
the members of this clueless ruse.
Croooooow, cut loose!
Croooooow: Yo, the name is Croooooow.
That’s six Os, cause my spelling really blows.
That’s what I chose in the Fifth Episode, then I rose
to the occasion, and I don’t play.
Give it up, Y to the 2 to the Jay!
Y2Jay: Hey, I’m Y2Jay,
and I can’t rhyme cause I gotta work.
Our biographer is next and that’s no trick.
He put together our whole clique and this whole shtick.
Go, Nick!
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever!
Nykk: Hey, hey, it’s the N-Y-double-K.
I’ve got somethin’ to say, so stay and
listen today, I won’t even make you pay!
Our next guy could be the answer to the
way you pray.
Take it, Cheesecake!
Cheesecake: Cheesecake here, my real name’s Art.
I play my part as a tart,
the way it was, right from the start.
Out like a dart, not a fart,
but the next one weighs a ton.
Bust it out, Huh!
Huh: (talking on the phone) I’ll have an extra large pepperoni
with bologna, you jabronie, for
very little money, and delivered
not too late. Less than five minutes
would be great!
Croooooow: Nathan, are you paying attention?
Huh: And don’t forget the bacon!
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Nykk) Shut Nathan up!
Huh: Kick some lyrics, Dusty!
Hardcore Hamster: I oughta smack ya!
Huh: That doesn’t rhyme!
Hardcore Hamster: They call me the Hardcore Hamster cause I
like fire, a hobby from which I will never
tire or retire. Huh, don’t get close to my lighter,
or I’ll have to flaming smack ya!
Cynric: I have to go last and
that’s a sin, I barely made it
in this song when I watch the PPVs
too, so this is not coo’!
Stop or I’ll say stop again!
Nykk: We’ve grown real broad,
Croooooow: We’re a bunch of clods,
Y2Jay: We bitch a lot,
Cheesecake: Have sleek masculine bods,
Huh: Have it delivered 8 on the dot,
Cynric: We’re the cast of the
All: PPV Squad!
(Song ends.)
Nykk: Okay, never mind, that really sucked.
Croooooow: It was your idea, Nykk. This episode should have ended two pages ago!
Nykk: I thought it would be real cool. Okay, we’re ending this episode NOW!
--The End.... Really!