COMING SOON: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the PPV Squad worked for the WWF? Probably not, but Croooooow’s putting together a special series of PPV Squads that will explore that possibility.
(The town of Bellbrookville is bright and sunny as we zoom in on Croooooow’s house, the meeting place of the PPV Squ... okay, it’s empty because Croooooow moved. Fast forward on down to Croooooow’s new house, in the town of Centervilleville, where the PPV Squad is waiting for the PPV to start.)
Cynric: Nykk! Casual Fan! Nathan’s fart! Come on!
Nykk: That can wait until the next episode. I want to see Jericho vs. Benoit.
Croooooow: Me too. The PPV Squad’s been waiting their entire existence for this.
Y2Jay: We have?
(Everyone screams in surprise as Jay is actually THERE.)
Huh: Huh? What’s going on?
(Suddenly, the PPV signal is lost and the room is dead silent.)
Cheesecake: That television did NOT just black out.
Huh: Yeah it did.
(Meanwhile, Croooooow is frantically dialing numbers on a phone.)
Croooooow: (listening) Crap! The cable company’s busy.
Cynric: (panicking) What are we going to do?
Nykk: I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going down to the lair of the ancient beast itself... Time Warner Cable!
Croooooow: Right!
Y2Jay: We’ll take my car, since it’s blocking everyone else’s!
Cheesecake: That piece of junk?
(They all look out the window at Jay’s beat up, dark blue station wagon.)
Y2Jay: Hey, my car is one sexy bitch! Why do you think they call it the ‘Shaggin’ Wagon?’
Cynric: Okay, I’m not riding in the back.
Cheesecake: (overly excited) Why not? I sure as hell am!
Nykk: Eww.
(They pile into the Shaggin’ Wagon and take off. They drive on to the town of Bellbrookville. On the side of the road, they notice Vince McMahon, in a full suit, running frantically. Y2Jay slows down the car and rolls down the window.)
Y2Jay: Vince... out for a jog?
Vince: No... *HUFF* They’re coming... *HUFF*
Cheesecake: Who’th cumming?
Vince: No, you pervert! *HUFF* (points)
(The PPV Squad looks back to see Bret Hart further down the road.)
Bret: There he is! That’s the man who screwed me! Get him! (A mob of angry Bret Hart fans run after Vince with pitch forks.)
Vince: Aah! (jumps in to the Shaggin’ Wagon) Drive!
(Y2Jay drives away.)
Nykk: That was close.
Vince: Thanks, guys. Nykk! You left out one crucial part of GTV!
Nykk: Huh?
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: No, I was responding to Vince!
Huh: Oh.
Vince: You never told me who was behind it.
Nykk: How the hell should I know who was behind it?
Vince: It was your idea!
Nykk: Was not!
Vince: Was too!
Y2Jay: (looks at the dashboard) Uh oh... I better stop and get gas.
(Jay turns the steering wheel and fishtails into the gas station and stops at a pump.)
Croooooow: Wait here, Vince. (The PPV Squad gets out of the car.)
Nykk: Was not!
Vince: Was too infinite!
Nykk: Was not infinite plus one!
Vince: Damn!
(The rest of the PPV Squad enter the store while Y2Jay pumps gas.)
Nykk: So what are we going to do in here?
Croooooow: Let’s save Jay a place in line. ([Almost] the entire PPV Squad stand in line.)
Cynric: Wait a second. Where’s Nathan?
Cheesecake: I don’t know. Let’s split up. It’s not that big a store, so he couldn’t have gone far.
(As Cheesecake, Croooooow, Nykk, and Cynric split up, Y2Jay enters the store and stands in line. A few seconds later, Jay notices a presence behind him.)
Y2Jay: Hey! I notice a presence behind me! (he turns around. Standing there is none other than Paul Bearer!)
Paul: Ohhhhhh yessssss!
Y2Jay: Riiiight... (turns back around)
(Meanwhile, the PPV Squad continues their search for Nathan. Nykk checks the counter area to see if Nathan went to pick up some king size candy bars, but he is not there. Croooooow checks the chip aisle, but he is not there. Cynric checks the bathroom but one whiff plants the notion that Nathan is not there firmly in his mind. Cheesecake browses through the freezer section.)
Cheesecake: (scanning the brands) Bud, Coors Light, Mountain Dew, Coca-cola, Frozen Huh, Pepsi... (stops dead in his tracks) Frozen Huh!?
(Cheesecake calls the rest of the PPV Squad over and opens the door. A block of ice falls out with Huh encased inside.)
Croooooow: So you think they’ll make us pay before taking him out of here?
(A few minutes later, the PPV Squad exit the store, carting Huh on a dolly.)
Y2Jay: (points) Is that who I think it is?
(The ominous figure of Kane is pumping gas into a hummer. As he finishes, he puts the gas pump back in place and walks toward the PPV Squad. Suddenly, he stops.)
Everyone: Oh, sh...
(Kane raises his arms and drops them quickly. The gas pumps suddenly ignite in a burst of flame, and a moment later...)
Nykk: (once the debris stops falling) Is everyone okay?
Cynric: I think so.
Croooooow: How’s Nathan?
Cheesecake: Still frozen solid. (taps the ice with his fist)
Y2Jay: I think he must have farted in the freezer. It probably solidified around him, forming a layer of super ice. It’ll probably take him awhile to thaw out.
Everyone: (sarcastically) Darn!
Cynric: Oh my God, Vince!
(They walk back to the Shaggin’ Wagon, only to find that it was caught in the BOOM! and is totally charred. Nykk touches it and it disintegrates into ashes.)
Croooooow: I didn’t see a charred body in there...
Y2Jay: Great. Now how are we going to get to the cable company?
(An SUV pulls into the station and stops in front of the PPV Squad. The driver’s window rolls down, and none other than Kurt Angle is looking at them.)
Kurt: I don’t suppose you boys know how to get to I-75 do you?
Nykk: (winks at the rest of the PPV Squad) Yeah, we’ll show you. Hop in, guys!
(They pile into Angle’s car and dump Huh in the back seat.)
Kurt: Say, this wouldn’t be some kind of false lie to trick me into giving you guys a ride would it?
Croooooow: No, it’s true! It’s true!
Kurt: There’s something about that statement that convinces me that you boys have only my best travel interests at heart. Let’s go!
(He pulls out of the gas station, driving the speed limit.)
Y2Jay: Uh... can’t you go any faster?
Kurt: I can’t disobey the laws of Uncle Sam. It’s because of him that I was able to go to the Olympics and win my gold medals! Even if it means I’m late to my aforementioned destination, I can’t break the law. It’s my responsibility as an American Hero!
(Y2Jay smacks himself in the forehead.)
Nykk: ‘Aforementioned destination?’ You never told us where you were going anyway.
Kurt: I’m trying to get to Washington D.C., our great capital, magnet for Olympic Heroes, and more importantly, to the pay per view.
Cynric: So how did you get all the way in Ohio?
Croooooow: (whispering) We must be in an Episode...
Cheesecake: Ya think?
Kurt: I’m sure strapping young lads such as yourselves would jump at the opportunity to jam with a real American hero... (he puts a CD in) Let us drive to the tunes of Mr. Michael Bolton!
(Y2Jay attempts to leap out the window, but Nykk catches him by the shoulders.)
Nykk: Jay, you must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. Face your fear. Permit it to pass over you and through you. And when it has past you will turn to the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only you will remain.
[Writer’s note: I bet Jay is the only person reading this who will actually get that.]
Y2Jay: Thanks, Nick.
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
(They pull onto 675.)
Cheesecake: Hey, look! (points out the window)
(They all look and see Vince McMahon in the lane next to them, driving a red convertible. He soon passes Angle’s SUV. Soon, a bus passes them. Standing atop the bus is Bret Hart, with a megaphone.)
Bret: There he goes! That’s the man who killed my brother Owen! Get him! (The bus passes the SUV.)
Nykk: Take this exit here. (Angle does so.)
(The car starts to reek of gasoline.)
Kurt: You boys smell that?
(They all glance at Nathan and shrug.)
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Angle) Shut Nathan up!
(The car sputters and dies, ironically enough, right in front of Time-Warner Cable. They all get out of the car.)
Kurt: That’s odd... the gas tanks seems to have sprung a leak. Would you boys be good civilians and help out an Olympic hero down on his luck?
Croooooow: Sorry, this is our stop... sucker!
Kurt: What? You mean you tricked me?
Cynric: It’s true! It’s true!
(They walk away from Angle and enter the Time-Warner building. They duck behind a counter at the last minute at the sight of some familiar faces.)
Nykk: Oh no! It’s Casual Fan! And Males! And Age(nt) 18-34!
(Casual Fan and Target Audience are standing tall, holding machine guns.)
Casual Fan: What is our mission?
Cable Employees: To not let the signal of the WWF PPV get out!
Casual Fan: Good. We must not let an event with so little mic work be broadcast...
Cheesecake: We have to stop them.
Croooooow: How? It’s a long way to LaserQuest.
Cheesecake: You see, Nykk, they’ve got *real* guns.
Nykk: Oh shut up.
Y2Jay: I think I know a way to solve this problem...
(Before he can do anything, Vince McMahon bursts into the room, followed by an angry Bret Hart.)
Bret: There he is! That’s the man who‘s responsible for the fall of the Roman Empire! Get him!
(A mob of angry Caesar III players chase Vince around the building. Casual Fan holds a gun up to his face.)
Casual Fan: You brought back longer wrestling matches and better workers. Get in the corner.
Croooooow: (suddenly stands up) And what’s wrong with that?
Casual Fan: You again?
Nykk: We demand to know the reason for your buffoonery...
(Everyone looks at him.)
Vince: Buffoonery? That’s the best you could come up with?
Nykk: Hey! I don’t have a son that goes around saying, “Boo-ya!” constantly.
Casual Fan: Enough! (shoots at Nykk)
(Y2Jay suddenly holds up Huh. The bullet shatters the ice that encased him, and ricochets back to hit the guns held by Casual Fan and Target Audience. Rendered useless, they drop their guns.)
Nathan: (still groggy) It smells like bacon...
Cheesecake: Sorry, Nathan, you missed your cue. That was 25 lines ago.
Casual Fan: Well, we’ve still got our army of marks!
Croooooow: Don’t worry! We’ll keep them busy.
(Suddenly, eight Tazzes enter the room. They stand in front of the PPV Squad and cross their arms in unison)
Cynric: You didn’t count on our Tazz power, did you?
(The marks flee.)
Vince: Why’d you do it, CF?
Casual Fan: Curse you all! Are our demands so complicated? Longer interviews... more backstage skits... wrestling matches under two minutes... bring back Vince Russo!
Croooooow: Oh, dear GOD! Someone put him out of his misery!
Casual Fan: Wait! If you kill me, what will happen to this? (holds up the canister containing Nathan’s fart.)
Cynric: He’s got your memories, guys! (no response) You remember? The lost episode?
Nykk: Oh yeah, the journey!
Cynric: Right!
(Casual Fan tosses the canister into the air.)
Casual Fan: You’ll never defeat me! Bye now! (Casual Fan and Target Audience escape through the back door.)
Nykk: I’ve got it! (he dives for the canister and barely catches it.)
(Collective PPV Squad Sigh of Relief™)
Tazz 1: Don’t worry, brotha, we’re in control ‘ere. Go ahead and get outta ‘ere.
Tazz 2: Whaddya mean by dat? You sayin’ we’re in control, like we’re some kinda cor-prit suits a somethin’?
Tazz 1: No, Ah’m not sayin’ dat. All I mean is dat we’re gonna make sure the PPV signal gets out.
Tazz 5: Oh, so ya sayin’ dat we hafta geddout, is dat it?
Tazz 8: No, he’s not sayin’ dat, he’s just sayin’ dat we gotta stay....
Tazz 4: Oh, so we gotta stay now! We gotta be gahd dawgs, to babysit d’ese brothas over ‘ere? (indicates the Time-Warner people)
Tazz 3: No, he’s not sayin’ dat... he just means dat we’re responsible fore da customahs of the pay per view audience.
Tazz 7: Oh, so now we’re responsible! Like we’re a buncha soccah moms who go around in dair van, makin’ sure nevah ta miss a game!
Tazz 6: Nah, he doesn’t mean dat...
Tazz 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, and 8: Dat’s it! Come ‘ere!
(The Tazzes violently attack each other.)
Y2Jay: Come on, guys. Let’s get out of here.
(They exit the cable company.)
Cynric: Wait... what happened to Vince?
(Suddenly Vince rushes by them.)
Bret: There he is! There’s the man who crucified Christ! Get him! (A bunch of angry Christians run after Vince.)
Croooooow: Something’s wrong. This was too easy.
Nykk: What do you mean? So far, we’ve torched Jay’s car, fooled Kurt Angle, rescued Vince McMahon and Time-Warner Cable, turned the Tazzes against each other, and got our memories back! It’s been a pretty fruitful episode. What could go wrong? (All of a sudden, a hawk swoops out of the sky and snatches the canister from Nykk’s hands with its talons.) Okay, now that was just an incredible coincidence.
Cheesecake: We have to follow that bird! To the PPV Quads...
To be continued...