(When we last left the PPV Squad, a hawk swooped out of the sky and took the canister containing Huh’s fart and the PPV Squad’s memory of the first episode. The PPV Squad were following the hawk on their PPV Quads. The chase has led them to the dense Tennessee wilderness.)
Nykk: (points up) There he goes! He has to land sometime!
Croooooow: (noticing that one member is missing) Where’s Jay?
Huh: He said he had to work, so I guess he went back to Bellbrookville.
Croooooow: Oh, wonderful. We don’t even have a cardboard cut-out of him this time...
Nykk: Let’s keep our minds on Nathan’s fart, guys...
Cheesecake: I’d rather not dwell on that, thank you.
(Suddenly, the engines of the ATVs sputter and die.)
Cynric: We’re out of gas.
Croooooow: Well, Nathan could sit on the...
Nykk: No! There’d be a bigger explosion than at that gas station. Let’s just walk.
(The PPV Squad gets off their quads and start walking. After awhile, they hear voices in the forest.)
Cheesecake: Do you guys hear that?
Huh: Yeah, I heard that.
Cheesecake: Well, what do you think it sounded like?
Huh: It sounded like you saying, ‘Do you guys hear that?’
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Cynric: (filling in) Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Croooooow) Shut Nathan up!
Cynric: Art, you should know better than to ask what Nathan THINKS.
(Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco stumble onto the PPV Squad’s path.)
Gerald: (sees Nykk) D’haaa! It’s you!
Nykk: What?
Pat: You beat us up! In the secret room!
Croooooow: What the hell is he talking about?
Nykk: I don’t know. (to Pat) What are you guys doing in the middle of the woods?
Pat: There was a plain crash, and everyone employed by the WWF is out running around these woods. Mark my words, guys, never fly USAir if you can help it.
Gerald: Mr. Mac Man wanted coffee, but there was none to be found, so me and Pat are going to go find some beans and make it from scratch!
Pat: We found this cave and the next thing I know, we’re being chased by a bear!
Gerald: You see, Pat thought it was Albert, so he tried to...
Everyone: EWW!
Nykk: Enough! Just go find your beans! (waves them off)
(Pat and Gerald walk away.)
Croooooow: So what now?
Nykk: Follow that hawk! I can still see him.
(They walk for awhile, until they look down a hill and see a few people on a nature hike, being led by two familiar figures.)
Christian: We are SO going to finally win our nature hiking merit badges, Edge...
Edge: It’s been like fifteen years since we were in Cub Scouts and it totally feels like all the skills I learned never left me!
Mark Henry: Man, I’m losin’ feelin’ in my legs, man...
Edge: Oh shut up, you big crybaby! How else are we going to get our merit badges unless we hike around a lot... in nature!
Christian: You are SO right. We were born to lead!
Dean Malenko: We don’t want our damn merit badges, we want to get to a forest ranger’s station so we can radio for help! I had a match booked with Eddie Guererro tonight! Eddie! Our matches are so good, they make whole tapes of them...
Mark: But man, my legs hurt, man, and I need a break man, you know, man?
Edge: We’re totally not stopping.
Mark: Man...
Christian: And stop saying ‘man.’ That is SO annoying!
Godfather: (to Henry) I’m on your side, man. All this walkin’s makin’ me tired, man. What do you say, man? Take a little break, man?
Mark: I don’t know, man. I mean, man, if they leave us behind, man, we could get lost, man, and stuck here for good, man.
Godfather: Man!
Malenko: Shut up, shut up, shut up! If I don’t wrestle someone soon, I’ll waste away to your level, man! Man, now you’ve got me doing it...
Edge: (spots the PPV Squad) Fans! (He and Christian scramble up the hill with excessive eagerness.)
Christian: (sees Cheesecake) Hey, I remember you!
Cheesecake: What?
Edge: Didn’t we pour ketchup on you once when you were dressed in drag?
Cheesecake: (backs away fearfully) Hey, wait a minute, I only pretend to be...
Croooooow: (pokes him) Shut up! You almost broke PPV Squad kayfabe.
Christian: Anyway, do you guys want a picture with us? We’ll make up a new pose for you that just reeks of awesomeness!
Croooooow: Please... do you think any of us are stupid enough to fall for that, after what we’ve seen you do on TV?
Huh: I want a picture!
(The rest of the PPV Squad groan.)
Edge: Great! For the benefit of those with flash photography...
Huh: Now why do you always have to say that? What about people out there who own cameras who don’t have flashes on them? Are you so prejudiced that you will only pose for pictures with fans that have cameras that flash, thus insuring a better picture in a certain light? Why do you torment yourselves like that?
Christian: I never looked at it that way...
Edge: We’ve been wrong all along! (He and Christian start weeping.)
Cynric: Wow Nathan, that was really deep...
(Huh belches.)
Cynric: (shudders) Let’s just keep going...
(They keep walking, leaving Edge and Christian to their own torment. After a few minutes, they climb another hill, following the hawk.)
Nykk: Quick! I think it landed!
(They come to a clearing, where the hawk has landed on the arm of a long-haired, middle-aged man in a white suit.)
Nykk: Oh my God! It’s my Uncle Ted!
Croooooow: You mean your Uncle Ted, author of such fascinating new age books like Simplified Magic, Enchantment of the Faerie Realm, and Animal Speak?
Cheesecake: And of his new book, Magic of Believing, volume one of Young Person’s School of Magic and Mystery, out on hardback from Dragonhawk Publishing, available at all local bookstores now!
(The PPV Squad all smile and hold up a copy of Magic of Believing.)
Uncle Ted: Nick? What are you doing here?
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Uncle Ted: Okay.
Nykk: NO! I said, “Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!”
Uncle Ted: Uh... okay.
Croooooow: Just say ‘Whatever.’ He’s impossible to talk to unless you do.
Uncle Ted: ‘Whatever.’
Croooooow: Lose the quotes.
Uncle Ted: Whatever.
Nykk: What are you doing here, Uncle Ted?
Uncle Ted: I live just a few miles from here. (indicates his arm) This is my hawk.
Cheesecake: Yeah, we have a bone to pick with him.
Uncle Ted: What did he do?
(They tell him the story.)
Uncle Ted: Well, as you can see, he no longer has the canister. There are two possible places he could have set it down.
Cynric: Could you show us where?
Uncle Ted: Certainly. We’ll split up into two teams. One team will go to Watchman’s Peak, which is just a little ways up this mountain here. The other will go to Death Gorge.
Nykk: (gulps) Why do they call it Death Gorge?
Uncle Ted: Because a lot of people die there. Anyway, that’s where the team I will not be a part of will be going. Now who wants to go with me to Watchman’s Peak?
Nykk: I’m his nephew, so I have first dibs on the non-death place!
Uncle Ted: The teams will be as follows: Myself, Nathan, and Jim will go to Watchman’s Peak. Nykk, Mark, and Art will go to Death Gorge.
Cynric: How do you figure that!? And how do you know our names when we haven’t told you them yet?
Nykk: He’s a psycho!
Uncle Ted: That’s psychic, Nick.
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Uncle Ted: Whatever.
Nykk: That’s better.
Uncle Ted: I chose the teams for best possible hilarity. If I told you too much, it wouldn’t be as funny!
Nykk: Well, we should get this over with...
(Nykk, Cynric, and Cheesecake go down a mountain path toward Death Gorge. Uncle Ted, Croooooow, and Huh head up a mountain path toward Watchman’s Peak.)
(The Watchman’s Peak team slowly make their way to the top. When they finally get to the summit, they see The Rock standing on a rock, overlooking the woods below.)
Croooooow: Oh great. What’s HE doing here?
Uncle Ted: Let’s ask him.
Croooooow: Hey, Rock! Why are you on top of a mountain?
Rock: It doesn’t matter why the Rock is on top of a mountain!
Croooooow: But you’re going to tell us anyway, aren’t you?
Rock: Damn right, jabronie, so know your role and shut your mouth! The Rock has worked long and hard to climb the mountain in the World Wrestling Federation, and finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to the peak, after every Pedigree, after every chair shot, he climbed the mountain rung by damn rung by damn rung...
Uncle Ted: Uh... mountains don’t have rungs.
Croooooow: And I don’t think climbing the mountain is meant to be taken literally...
Rock: If ya smeelllll what the Rock is cookin’! (he raises his eyebrow and his theme music starts playing.)
Croooooow: Where the hell’s that music coming from?
Uncle Ted: Rock, have you seen... (Croooooow indicates for him to stop)
Croooooow: You’re not going to get anything out of him. Let’s just look around...
(They all look around, but can’t find a trace of the missing canister.)
Huh: Maybe Nick and the others will find it...
Uncle Ted: Don’t call him that! It’s Nykk!
Huh: Huh?
(Meanwhile, in Death Gorge, Nykk, Cynric, and Cheesecake are making their way through the rocky crevasses in hope of finding the lost canister.)
Cynric: We can’t go on like this forever, you know. I don’t want to linger in a place called ‘Death Gorge.’ We should just give this up and go home...
Nykk: Hey, you wanted plot continuity, you got plot continuity!
(They reach the bottom and come to a small cave.)
Cheesecake: Maybe the hawk went in there...
Voice: Prepare for trouble...
Cynric: What the...?
Voice: And make it double!
(Target Audience emerges from the cave’s mouth.)
Males: To protect the world from devastation...
Age(nt) 18-34: To unite all peoples within our nation...
Males: To denounce the evils of truth and love...
Age(nt) 18-34: And extend our reach to the stars above!
Males: Males!
Age(nt) 18-34: Age(nt) 18-34!
Both: Target Audience! Blast off at the speed of light... surrender now or prepare to fight!
Tazz: (walks out behind them) Dat’s right!
Nykk: This isn’t a damn Pokemon episode! And what are you doing with Tazz?
Males: He’s on our side now! (Fifteen more Tazzes emerge) What do you think about that?
Cheesecake: I think your tactics are rendered useless because the Tazzes always end up fighting each other.
Tazz 4: ‘ay, he’s right!
Tazz 11: Whaddya mean by dat?
Tazz 1: Ah, da hell with it...
Tazzes 1-16: Dat’s it! Come ‘ere!
(The Tazzes viciously attack each other and a dust cloud covers the fight. Every now and then, a random flailing limb is seen, and sounds of pain are heard. The fight attracts many wrestlers over to the gorge, who now stand over the edge watching.)
Males: You want your friend’s fart? You’ll have to go through the world of Sports Entertainment first! Rikishi Phatu, I choose you!
(Rikishi gets up and tries to walk slowly down the gorge, but slips and falls, landing on his ass and causing a tremor.)
Nykk: Fine, if we’re going to play like that... Chris Benoit, I choose you!
(Chris Benoit climbs down the gorge and stands with the PPV Squad.)
Benoit: I will fight the fat ass and show everyone that wrestling is the only thing worth watching on a wrestling show!
Rikishi: Yeah... well... I can dance.
Age(nt) 18-34: Rikishi, sit on him!
(Rikishi suddenly breaks out into dancing.)
Males: No!
Cheesecake: Benoit, dropkick the knee!
(Benoit dropkicks the knee and Rikishi goes down.)
Nykk: Ha! His only means of entertainment have been taken away from him.
Males: (growling) Undertaker, I choose you!
The Undertaker rides his motorcycle over the edge and lands on the ground smoothly, screeching to a stop.)
Benoit: Yeah, right! Wrestling is one thing, but facing the Undertaker is nothing to make light aboot. (He climbs back up the gorge)
Cynric: Did he just say what I think he said?
Nykk: Sadly enough, yes.
Cheesecake: Who are we going to get that’s bigger than the Undertaker but cares more about wrestling?
Nykk: I have an idea... (whispers to Cheesecake)
Nykk and Cheesecake: PPV Squad powers activate! (They put their fists together and suddenly become Hack “Big Mac” Manhouse and Big McLargeHuge, otherwise known as the mighty Slamcheese.)
Hack: Hack hungry!
Slamcheese: Slamcheese, ahahahahahahaha!
Cynric: Oh great...
(The Undertaker shows his bag of chewing tobacco.)
Undertaker: Wanna dip?
Hack: But tobacco is whacko if you’re a team!
Undertaker: I don’t think that’s how that goes... (He doesn’t notice Slamcheese sneaking up behind him.)
Hack: Charge!
(They charge and squash the Undertaker in between their massive girth. The Undertaker slumps to the ground with a groan.)
(Hack and Slamcheese transform back into Nykk and Cheesecake.)
Nykk: That’s a useful little trick. We should do something nice for Nathan next time we see him...
Cheesecake: Yeah, we should. But let’s not.
Nykk: Agreed.
(Target Audience is sneaking away, but Cynric sees them and calls down some backup. They suddenly find themselves surrounded by Chris Benoit, Hardcore Holly, Eddie Guererro, Chris Jericho, Matt and Jeff Hardy, and Kurt Angle.)
Hardcore: So ya don’t like our wrestling matches do ya? I oughta smack ya!
(They grab hold of Target Audience, and throw them out of the gorge.)
Target Audience: Look’s like Target Audience is blasting off agaaaaaainn... (trails off)
(Nykk sighs.)
Cynric: Hey guys! I found it! (Cynric emerges from the cave, holding the canister.)
(Croooooow, Huh, and Uncle Ted wind their way down the gorge.)
Croooooow: Guys, what happened?
Nykk: We were just playing a little Pokemon is all...
Croooooow: But you hate Pokemon!
Cynric: We’ll explain later. We got Nathan’s fart!
Cheesecake: So how do we get our memories back? We don’t have to *gulp* smell it again, do we?
Uncle Ted: Maybe Nathan knows.
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: Anyway, we can’t do anything until Jay is present. We’ll just have to take it home with us.
(Suddenly Vince McMahon walks up and shakes Nykk’s hand.)
Vince: Nykk, I don’t know how to thank you. You and your group have done so much for me. You provided me with an angle idea, saved me from Bret Hart, and your fight with Target Audience alerted the forest rangers, so we can finally get out of here! And the next time I decide to fly USAir, have Dusty smack me. Now, how can I reward you?
Croooooow: Well, there is one thing we’ve dreamt about since we became fans...
Vince: What?
Nykk: We want to be on Raw!
Vince: (suddenly apprehensive) I don’t know about that...
Cheesecake: We won’t take up too much interview time, we promise!
Cynric: And we’ll work really hard in our matches.
Vince: Interview? Matches? Couldn’t we just show you on camera real quick at ringside?
Huh: Vince, we did save you from Bret Hart and Casual Fan...
Vince: Oh, all right. One episode only.
The PPV Squad: YES!
Nykk: Hey, Uncle Ted, thanks for all your help!
Uncle Ted: My pleasure, Nykk.
Cynric: Let’s get out of here, guys!
(The PPV Squad follows Vince out of the gorge.)
Croooooow: We’ll use this opportunity to prove our worth to Vince. The glory is ours for the takin’!
Huh: Did you just say it’s ours for the bacon?
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Cynric: (filling in) Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Uncle Ted) Shut Nathan up!
The End
[Writer’s Note]: For anyone who’s interested, yes I do really have an Uncle Ted, and for those new age fans out there, yes it is the same Ted Andrews who wrote all the books I mentioned above. He does not endorse, condone, or even ever heard of the PPV Squad... or does he? He is a psycho, after all.