(In the town of Centervilleville, the PPV Squad is awaiting another PPV at Croooooow’s house.)
Croooooow: (looking at the mail) Addressed to James R. Cruise...
Nykk: What is it?
Croooooow: Something from the Department of Justice.
Cheesecake: Think they’re still upset that we blew up that arena?
Cynric: What a coincidence. I got one too.
Nykk: (remembering) Yeah, me too.
Cheesecake: I just got one yesterday.
Huh: Huh?
Croooooow: We weren’t talking to you Nathan, but I think you were about to say that you got a letter from the Department of Justice.
Huh: Yeah I did! How did you know?
Cynric: If all of us got letters, we should probably go down to see what they want.
Nykk: But the PPV’s just starting...
Cynric: You know how those government people get...
(They look to the window, where two men in black suits and sunglasses are sneaking up to the house, hiding behind trees and bushes.)
Croooooow: All right, we’re coming!
(They all jump in Croooooow’s Pimpmobile and drive down to the government building located in Elsewhere. After getting out of the car, they enter the building.)
Cheesecake: So where’s the Department of Justice?
(Huh opens a nearby door. Seated behind a desk is a familiar face.)
Nykk: Goldberg!?
(Goldberg is wearing his wrestling tights, along with a tie around his neck and glasses.)
Goldberg: How did you know my last name like you just said? Oh, you must have recognized me from my twin brother Bill, who’s related to me. My name is Bob Goldberg. That’s what people call me.
Croooooow: Yeah... where exactly are we?
Goldberg: You have reached the Department of Redundancy Department, which you have just found.
Nykk: Great. Could you direct us to the Department of Justice?
Goldberg: It’s just down the hall is where it’s located.
Nykk: Thanks.
(They exit the room.)
Cynric: The government sure has some useless departments, doesn’t it?
(They walk down the hall to the Department of Justice. They open the door and see The Pyro Twins sitting in chairs against the wall.)
Croooooow: Jay!? Dusty!?
Y2Jay: Jim? Nathan? Mark? Art? Nick? What are you guys doing here?
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
Croooooow: We got letters from the Department of Justice.
Hamster: So did we.
Y2Jay: They pulled me right out of work and dragged me down here.
Hamster: They pulled me out of a family reunion. Though, it’s probably for the best.
Nykk: Why?
Hamster: It’s my cousin, Crash Holly. He’s been walking around denying his family name, insisting that everyone just call him plain “Crash.” He’s even losing his desire to smack people!
Huh: No kidding?
Hamster: It sounds like you don’t believe me, Nathan.
Huh: N-no, I didn’t say that...
Croooooow: If they were able to pull Jay out of work, this must be important.
(A door opens and a guy in a suit steps out.)
Suit Guy: Hello. I’m a guy in a suit from the U.S. Department of Justice. Are you gentlemen the suckers... I mean, potential jurors?
Nykk: Jurors? Is that what this is all about?
Suit Guy: Yep.
Cheesecake: Why didn’t anyone tell us?
Suit Guy: We did. It was said why we wanted you in the letters.
(The PPV Squad stare at him blankly.)
Suit Guy: Did any of you actually bother to read the entire letter?
(They still stare at him blankly.)
Huh: I did! It said we had to report here for jury duty!
Nykk: You know, you could have shared this with us, Nathan.
Huh: Huh?
Suit Guy: Follow me. (Under his breath) They were right... for such a big, publicized case, go to the middle of nowhere... I bet they don’t even own computers...
Croooooow: Hey, didn’t you used to work for the WWF? You look familiar. Maybe I saw a JPEG of you on the Internet or something.
(The guy in a suit smacks himself in the forehead. They eventually arrive in a small room, where a young man in a T-shirt and jeans is standing with another guy in a suit, who’s holding a briefcase.)
Suit Guy: This is Hank Barry, CEO of Napster and his lawyer, David Boies.
David: Greetings, gentlemen.
Hank: Dude... (takes a puff of a marijuana joint)
Suit Guy: Make this fast. I tee off in fifteen minutes.
David: All right, gentlemen, you’ve been called down here as potential jurors. The fact that you are all soon to be in college includes you as peers to Mr. Barry...
Hank: Dude.
David: ...and to the millions of college students who have used Napster. What I want to know is, are you familiar with Metallica suing Napster for copyright infringement?
Croooooow: You mean, Metallica, the former kings of metal?
Nykk: Who’s music has declined into an endless repeat of “Yeah, yeah, baby, baby, yeah, hey, hey, yeah, baby, yeah, hey, hey, baby, yeah, yeah?”
Cheesecake: Who are suing Napster.com, a web site that provided ingenious software any average person can use to download songs over the Internet, widely used for burning onto blank CDs, thus avoiding the priceline of an official CD?
David: Yeah.
Huh: We’re a little fuzzy on the subject.
Suit Guy: (shrugs) Works for me. You’ll all be jurors in this trial.
Croooooow: Aren’t we forgetting about most of the legal process?
Suit Guy: Tee off. Fifteen minutes. You’ll all be notified when you must report for duty.
(Weeks pass, and finally the PPV Squad is called in for jury duty. A few more weeks pass as they make the unfortunate mistake of flying USAir to the state the trial is taking place in. At last, they enter the court room where they take seats in the jury box. Hank and David take their seats at their table, while Lars Ulrich and Metallica‘s lawyer take their seats.)
Hamster: What took ya guys so long? I drove my Monte Carlo and got here three weeks ago.
Croooooow: USAir: Never Leave Home With Them. We eventually just went back to Bellbrookville and got our cars.
Cynric: This is weird... we have to report for jury duty in a state where we don’t even live! There’s something else amiss too.
Croooooow: What?
(The Acolytes, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, Lori Fullington, and Crash sit down in the jury box.)
Cynric: I’m not sure.
Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Judy!
Y2Jay: Sweet! Judge Judy’s going to preside?
(They all stand up as she enters the court room and takes her seat.)
Bailiff: Ahem... I said, “ALL RISE!”
(Huh is fast asleep in his chair.)
Huh: *snort* huh... *snort* huh...
(Cheesecake pokes Huh in the ribs, and he wakes up. Y2Jay and Nykk yank him to his feet.)
Croooooow: Sorry, your honor. His chair was broken.
Judy: Sure it was. Everyone may be seated.
(Huh sits down, but the chair gives way and breaks, sending him to the floor.)
Judy: I’m ecstatic, ladies and gentlemen, that this is my first real court case and I look forward to working with everyone present without the use of a script. I’m ready to hear the opening statements.
Metallica’s Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury... (He looks over to the jury, where Nykk and Croooooow are engaged in conversation, Huh is asleep again, The Acolytes are playing cards, and Dusty and Crash are arguing.)
ML: HEY!
(They all stop what they’re doing and look at him.)
ML: As I was saying, we need to assess our situation here. This trial is about outright theft. The company known as Napster has created a software that allows its users to pirate copyrighted material over the Internet, thus taking money out of my clients’ pockets. This has wreaked havoc on the band I legally represent, (checks his paper) Metallica. Why, this has forced Mr. Ulrich here to sell his fifteenth Porsche! I intend to prove without a shadow of a doubt, that the defendant, Mr. Hank Barry, is guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Cheesecake: Bullshit!
Judy: Order in the court! (slams her gavel)
Nykk: I’ll have a...
(Dusty smacks him.)
Nykk: What? You think it’s overused?
Judy: One more outburst like that, and I’ll hold you in contempt of court!
Bailiff: Can we hold a juror in contempt of court?
Judy: I don’t know, I don’t have a script with me. How does my hair look? You think the cameras will get my good side?
Bailiff: Uh, there aren’t any cameras. This is REAL, remember?
Judy: Oh yeah!
David: (clears his throat) With your permission, your honor, I would like to make my opening statements.
Judy: (shrugs) I guess.
David: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not about music. It is about greed. Metallica is greedy, and they think that Napster is the cause of their loss of royalties, while in truth, they are the cause, with their second rate music that is turning off their long-time fans. They think by bullying my client, they will gain some publicity. I intend to prove that no copyrights are being violated and that Napster is completely innocent.
(Hank whispers something in his ear.)
David: And my client would like to add... “Dude.”
(The PPV Squad stands up and cheers.)
Judy: Order!
Nykk: I’ll have a...
(Dusty smacks him.)
Nykk: Jesus, can I make my joke please?
Bradshaw: Hey, what gives? Aren’t jurors supposta get whatever they need during their time in service? Where’s our goddamn beer and cigars?
Crash: Yeah, and I miss my scale!
Faarooq: Shut up, Holly! No one f*ckin’ asked you!
Crash: The name is Crash! Just Crash!
Hamster: That’s not your name, dammit! You are a Holly, my cousin on my mother’s side! I oughta smack ya!
Crash: It’s not nice to smack people.
Hamster: Arrrgh! (lunges for Crash)
Judy: (slams her gavel) Order! Order!
Nykk: (checks Dusty who is otherwise occupied) I’ll have a burger and fries!
Judy: (to the defendants) Why do I get the feeling that these jurors know each other already?
Hank: Dude.
(After several police officers restrain The Hardcore Hamster, the trial resumes. Eventually, it’s Metallica’s turn to call witnesses.)
ML: I would like to call to the stand, Jim Fullington, a,k.a. The Sandman!
(Enter Sandman starts playing.)
Croooooow: Where the hell’s that music coming from?
(The Sandman appears in the audience, smoking a cigarette.)
Lars: He’s using that song without our permission. Sue him!
(The Sandman chugs a beer and smashes the can on his forehead. The audience cheers wildly.)
Croooooow: Does something seem strange about the audience to you guys?
Cynric: (looks closer) Oh hell...
(In the audience sit 64 Tazzes.)
Nykk: Geez, he multiplies faster than Metroids. There’s sixty four of him.
Huh: There must be millions of them!
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Dusty) Shut Nathan up!
(Dusty smacks Huh. Meanwhile, the Sandman is still making his way to the witness stand.)
ML: Could we hurry up, please?
Cynric: You’re not a wrestling fan, are you?
Croooooow: We should probably make like Huh and catch a nap.
(Meanwhile, the Sandman is still making his way to the witness stand.)
Judy: (holds her forehead) Why me?
(After about an hour, the Sandman reaches the stand.)
ML: Mr. Fullington, you portray the character The Sandman in ECW, correct?
Sandman: Yeah.
ML: Could you tell the jury who’s song you use for your entrance music?
Sandman: Enter Sandman by Metallica.
ML: Have you ever heard of Napster?
Sandman: Who?
ML: It’s a web site, used for sharing files.
Sandman: I had a computer once... I spilled beer on it and it blacked out on me. I guess it just wasn’t much of a drinker...
(Suddenly, the Man Monster himself, Rhino, bursts into the court room. He spots Lori Fullington, who upon seeing him, bolts for the exit. However, Rhino traps her.)
Lori: Sandman, help!
Sandman: Lori! I’m coming!
(The Sandman makes a beeline for Rhino, who gores him and starts beating the living hell out of him.)
Lori: Oh no!
(The Sandman produces a can of beer as the Popeye theme starts up. He squeezes it as hard as he can and all the beer flies out. He catches it in his mouth and gulps it down.)
Rhino: Uh oh...
(The Sandman gets up and makes short work of Rhino with his singapore cane, leaving the Man Monster lying in a bloody heap.)
Sandman: (looks at Huh) Hey, Brian! Good to see ya! Man, looks like you really let yourself go again.
Huh: Huh?
Bradshaw: (sniffs) Wait a second! I know that smell. He’s drinking our beer!
Faarooq: I’ll be damned! (They get up and deliver an APA beating to The Sandman.)
Judy: (slams her gavel) Get back in your seats!
(The Acolytes walk back to their seats like scolded children.)
Judy: I only count eleven jurors. Who’s missing?
(She looks over to the defendant’s table, where Y2Jay is sitting with Hank and Lars. They’re all smoking weed.)
Hank: Dude.
Y2Jay: Dude.
Lars: Dude.
Faarooq: We’ll bring that punk back, your honor.
(The APA walk up to Y2Jay and start beating him up.)
Hamster: (lights his hand on fire) Flaming Smack! (Runs into the melee)
Judy: Order! Order! (bangs her gavel so hard it breaks) Aw shit...
(After police officers have gotten the jurors separated and back to their seats, the trial resumes. After awhile, that guy Joe enters the jury box. He sits next to Cynric.)
Joe: Hey, I have a message for you.
Cynric: Can’t you see I’m trying to jurorer here?
Joe: I know, but I think this is important. That Tazz no. 45, he was talking trash about you out there...
Cynric: Listen, I’m not gullible enough to fall for this. Go bother him. (points to Huh)
Huh: Huh?
Joe: Listen, I saw some fat guy out there in the parking lot. He found the secret stash of food in your car, and...
Huh: What? What fat guy?
Joe: I don’t know, he said something about Sexual Chocolate... maybe that’s a new candy bar or something.
(Huh gets up and leaves.)
Judy: Now what’s going on? Can’t you people stay in the damn jury box?
Joe: Don’t worry, I’ll take his place until he comes back.
Judy: (looks around desperately for a script) Is that allowed?
Bailiff: I don’t know anymore! I don’t know how we got such an incompetent and violent jury. I don’t know why there’s sixty four clones of the same person in the audience. And I sure as hell don’t know why we have so many wrestlers in this court room!
Cheesecake: Maybe there was another “plain” crash...
Nykk: Shut up! A guy can’t make one typo...
(Huh enters carrying as much food as he can carry.)
Huh: I stopped at the 7-11 and got some for everybody. Hey, Acolytes, here’s some cigars! (He tosses them a pack of really thin cigars)
Bradshaw: Black and Mild!? How am I supposed to smoke these? I might swallow them!
Huh: (tosses people food) Raisinettes for Nykk... Gummy Bears for Croooooow... Twizzlers, Sour Patch Kids, Milky Ways, Snickers, A Big Mac Extra Value Meal with a Triple Thick Chocolate Milkshake for me...
Stephanie: Hey, I’m a McMahon, remember? Not an anorexic like Lori over there! I want some food!
Huh: Here Stephanie, have a Twizzler... (he attempts to give her one, but accidentally drops it down the front of her shirt.)
Stephanie: You pervert! (she smacks him, sending him into Dusty.)
Hamster: All right! Smack ‘n Catch! (He smacks Huh, sending him back to Stephanie, who smacks him again, sending him back to Dusty.)
Judy: Enough! This is the last time you’ll ever see ME work with a jury!
(Huh farts and belches, scattering the entire jury.)
Judy: That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! I’m reassigning this entire case! All jurors are dismissed!
(The jurors leave the box. Outside, the PPV Squad walk back to their cars.)
Croooooow: All in all, it was an educational experience.
Cheesecake: And an only time experience. We’re probably banned from ever being on another jury.
Joe: (walks up to Dusty) Hey, Dusty Schnebblea... Schneezie... whoever you are, there’s something you ought to know.
Hamster: What?
Joe: Your cousin Crash was talking trash about you on the other side of the court house. He was talking about how his smacks hurt the worst.
Hamster: Did he? I’m gonna go smack ‘im!
Croooooow: (jokingly) Why don’t you just run him over with your car?
Hamster: Why didn’t I think of that before? (He climbs into his white Monte Carlo and drives off)
Cynric: So what should we do now?
Croooooow: Same as always. We go to Steak ‘n Shake and scam food off of Jay.
Y2Jay: Yeah! I’ll race you guys there! (He is in the restructured Shaggin’ Wagon and speeding away before the rest of the Squad can blink. However, he sees a scarecrow on the side of the road, and swerves to miss it, hitting a tree and totaling his car AGAIN.)
Nykk: I guess we’d better give him a ride.
Huh: Yeah, let’s go guys! Onward to food!
The End