(In the town of Centervilleville, the PPV Squad anxiously decorates Croooooow’s house for Halloween. Little do they know that they are about to be scared out of their minds. As the scene fades in, we are looking through a hand-held camera lens at Croooooow’s front yard.)
Croooooow: Get that f-cking camera out of my face!
Nykk: I have to get good shots of you guys. When we go after the Centervilleville Witch later on, we may not come out alive. What if our footage is found a year from now…?
Y2Jay: This is unoriginal, even for you, Nick…
Nykk: Don’t call me that! It’s Nykk!
Y2Jay: Whatever.
Nykk: Don’t you have to work or something?
Y2Jay: No, tonight’s my night off. Go figure.
Cheesecake: Oh my God!
Nykk: (spins the camera around) What!?
Cheesecake: Who put these piles of rocks here!?
Huh: Those aren’t rocks. Those are my kidney stones.
Croooooow: Eww…
Cheesecake: Well, that explains the painful screaming we heard earlier on.
Nykk: Let me get a shot of those…
Cynric: Gimme that…
(He grabs the camera and throws it across the yard.)
Nykk: But that’s the only thing that’s keeping me together… I am so scared right now…
(He tries to force some tears, but just ends up looking like he has a twitch in his eye.)
Y2Jay: Will you shut up already?
(The Hurricane, Mighty Molly and Lance Storm walk up to the house.)
Hurricane: Trick or Treat!
Croooooow: Hey you guys, you’re about six hours early.
Huh: Awww, look at the cute little costumes! Did your mommies make them for you?
Hurricane: Nay, Citizen Huh. It is I, the Hurricane, cleverly disguised as… the Hurricane! I have been making the rounds and keeping an eye out for evildoers. Some fiends will insert razor blades into their wares as to hurt the innocent children that come to their door. Wassupwitdat!?
Huh: Huh?
Cheesecake: So what are you doing, Lance?
Lance: (shrugs) I’m just along for the free candy.
Hurricane: So if I may ask, PPV Squad… do you have any sweets for me to inspect?
Cynric: No, we’re buying that later.
Hurricane: My Hurri-senses tell me that you have not yet made that particular purchase…
Cynric: That’s because I just told you we haven’t. If you really want some candy, go ask Scott Hall. He just moved into the trailer park down the road.
Hurricane: The notorious Razor Ramon!?
Croooooow: We prefer to call him Drunko.
Molly: Holy beer bottles, Hurricane! We’d better get over there fast before the children are subjected to his lewd behavior!
Hurricane: Let’s go, Citizen Storm. Mighty Molly.
(He holds out his fist.)
Hurricane: Hurri-twin powers activate!
(Lance reluctantly joins his fist with the Hurricane’s. The Hurricane and Mighty Molly leap forward, accompanied by a gust of wind, though they only move about three feet. Storm grudgingly follows them down the road. Huh belches.)
Nykk: What should we put up next?
(The phone rings.)
Croooooow: Now what?
(He picks up the receiver, which is outside on his front porch for some reason.)
Croooooow: Hello?
Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Croooooow: No.
Voice: Really? How about romantic comedies?
Croooooow: No.
Voice: Westerns?
Croooooow: No, but someone else might. You want to hold while I ask?
Voice: Sure, whatever.
Croooooow: Hey, do any of you guys like Westerns?
Nykk: My Dad watches them all the time.
Croooooow: (into the phone) Nykk’s Dad likes them.
Voice: What’s your favorite Western?
Croooooow: Hold on. (to Nykk) What’s his favorite Western?
Nykk: I don’t know. He never said.
Voice: Oh, for the love of f...
Croooooow: Who is this anyway?
Voice: I’m the Viper. I’m coming up. (he hangs up)
Cheesecake: So who was it?
Croooooow: (gulps) Someone named “The Viper.”
Cynric: (scoffs) Yeah right, let me guess. He vishes to vash and vipe ze vindows.
Y2Jay: Yeah, that’s an old one. Let’s just forget about it.
Croooooow: You’re probably right.
(As they finish decorating, Huh is sent out to get the mail. As he opens the mailbox, a figure appears behind him. He is dressed in all black and wears a goalie mask like a hockey player would. He wields a large knife, and advances on Huh, who is sifting through the mail.)
Huh: I don’t understand… how come no one sent me anything? Maybe this paper is edible…
(The mysterious figure rushes Huh and slashes downward with the knife. Huh drops a letter and bends over to pick it up. The knife sails over his head and gets stuck in the mailbox. Huh walks back toward the house, oblivious to the fact that there is a madman with a knife after him.)
Huh: Hey Jim, the bank sent you a credit card. I ate it.
Croooooow: Oh. Oh well.
Huh: I ate your car insurance bill too. Boy they tasted awful. Why go through all the trouble of sending a letter if you can’t eat it?
(The madman with the knife rushes Huh again, but trips over his own feet and falls flat on his face.)
Nykk: (gasps) Nathan, look out!
(Huh looks around frantically.)
Huh: What? What?
(Nykk runs up to him and swats him on the shoulder, squishing a big bee that had landed there.)
Huh: Whew. That was a close one.
Y2Jay: Hey, if you want to look for the Centervilleville Witch, we better go now. It’ll be dark soon.
Nykk: Right.
(The PPV Squad marches into the woods.)
Cynric: You do know that this thing exists, right? That we’re not just on a wild goose chase?
Nykk: Please. I hardly think that this information that I found on the Internet is false.
Cynric: We’re screwed!
(Croooooow’s cell phone rings.)
Croooooow: Hello?
Voice: Hello, Sidney.
Croooooow: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.
Voice: (sighs) You just don’t get it, do you?
Croooooow: We’re WWF fans. Of course we ‘get it.’
Voice: I’m the Viper. You weren’t at the house, so I’m coming after you.
Croooooow: ‘Kay. Bye.
Cheesecake: Who was it?
Croooooow: That window wiper guy again. I guess we forgot to unlock the doors for him, so he’s coming to find us.
Cheesecake: Oh.
Y2Jay: Hey guys. Where’s Nathan?
Nykk: Don’t know. But his footprints lead toward that mysterious house on the hill!
Croooooow: What house on the hill?
(Nykk points up and they look at an old, abandoned house on top of a hill.)
Croooooow: Strange that I never noticed that before.
(They move through the foliage toward the house. The guy in the goalie mask and the knife appears behind them. Nykk bends a tree branch to pass through a dense part of the forest and each member holds the branch for the next person. Cheesecake, not seeing the maniac behind him, lets go of the branch. It snaps back into place and hits the masked man in the face, sending him down to the dirt. He groans as the PPV Squad crosses a river.)
Y2Jay: Stop it, Art. You’re scaring me.
Cheesecake: It wasn’t me.
(As they wade through, the man groans in pain again.)
Y2Jay: Art, you really scare me when you do that and you’re BEHIND me.
Cheesecake: I swear, it wasn’t me.
(They climb up the hill and reach the front door of the house. Nykk goes to knock, but the door swings open by itself.)
Nykk: Well, Nathan’s footprints lead inside.
Croooooow: It’s almost as if we’re being invited in. I say we go for it.
Cynric: Wait, you want us to cross a threshold and enter a mysterious house under our own free will?
Croooooow: You have a better idea?
Cynric: No, I just thought there might be a vampire in here for a minute, but vampires don’t exist.
(They go into the house and the door swings shut behind them.)
Voice: Ha, ha, ha…
Y2Jay: What’s that?
(An Asian man in old dark robes, a Rastafarian hat, and a shrunken head appears on a great staircase.)
Nykk: Oh boy…
Man: Welcome to my house. I am Count Banpaia-san, the Asian Voodoo Man.
Croooooow: Have you seen our friend anywhere? About 5’10’’, chunky, wears glasses, eats anything…
Banpaia: Ah yes, I have seen him. He’s enjoying my hospitality at the moment.
(He starts to chuckle to himself.)
Banpaia: Come, come, make yourselves at home. I will tend to your mortal need for food.
(He leads them to a great dining hall where what must have been an enormous feast was laid out on a big table. It’s already halfway gone as Huh is devouring the food rapidly.)
Banpaia: What? It took me three days to cook that, you fat f-ck!
Huh: (belches) Sorry.
Banpaia: Ah well, no matter. Come, my friends, eat up.
(Croooooow’s cell phone rings.)
Croooooow: (annoyed) What?
Viper: You didn’t forget about me did you?
Croooooow: Look, the Windex is in the kitchen under the sink, okay? Quit calling me.
Viper: Who is this?
Croooooow: Why do you want to know?
Viper: Because I want to know who I’m looking at.
Croooooow: (hangs up) Uh guys, I think we have a problem…
Y2Jay: Damn right we have a problem! The fatboy’s eating all our food!
Banpaia: You fools! Did you really think that I cooked all this food just for your benefit?
Cynric: Now that I think about it, it does seem pretty naïve of us.
Banpaia: I plan to suck your blood and make you my slaves for all eternity!
(He bares his fangs as Cheesecake starts to unzip his pants.)
Banpaia: No, suck your blood! Your BLOOD!
(Disappointed, Cheesecake zips his pants again.)
Banpaia: But first, I must complete a voodoo ritual… it’s called “voodoo dancing!”
(He snaps his fingers and a disco globe drops. Macho Man by the Village People starts to play, only the “Macho, Macho Man” part has been replaced with “Asian Voodoo Man!”)
Banpaia: (starts to disco) Join me, my friends. This mortal coil is a sickness, and I offer you the cure!
Huh: All right! Let’s get down with the sickness!
(He gets up and starts dancing, but does it very badly.)
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Cynric) Shut Nathan up!
(All of a sudden, the masked man comes flying through the window, landing on shattered glass. As he tries to get up, he screams in pain.)
Nykk: Oh no! It really is the Viper!
(The Squad gets out of the way of the maniac, who chases after them with his knife.)
Banpaia: What? Interfere in my blood-sucking will you?
(He bares his fangs and goes after the masked man. He manages to send the knife skittering across the floor, but as he’s tackled, the masked man grabs a floorboard and pulls with all his might. He pulls a piece off and stabs Banpaia in the chest.)
Banpaia: Agggh! I knew I shouldn’t have refurbished the floor with oak!
(He disintegrates on the floor, while the masked man advances on the PPV Squad.)
Croooooow: Uh oh… looks like the end of the line for us.
(Out of nowhere, the Hurricane, Mighty Molly and Lance Storm land on top of the masked man.)
Hurricane: Aha! Just as I suspected, Hurri-friends! We’ve found an evildoer and must do away with him lest he touch our beloved friends… the PPV Squad!
Cynric: Uh, thanks… we think.
Molly: It’s time to see who you really are, mister!
(She pulls the mask off the man to reveal…)
All: Shawn Stasiak!?
Stasiak: And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids and your super hero friends!
Cheesecake: Why were you trying to kill us?
Stasiak: You guys are even bigger idiots than me! I had to do something to protect my place in the WWF! Village Idiot is MY gimmick!
Hurricane: Fear not, PPV Squad! We shall take this villainous villain to the proper authorities. You have a safe Halloween!
(They drag Stasiak from the room.)
Y2Jay: What do we do now, Nykk?
Nykk: I don’t know. I wanted to find the Centervilleville Witch, but it looks like we already solved the mystery of these woods. I guess we should just go and buy the candy for the trick or treaters like we originally planned.
Croooooow: Right. I guess the lesson here is ‘Don’t trust Asian Voodoo Men who live on a house on the hill.’
PPV Squad: Happy Halloween, everybody!
Huh: Huh?
(They walk out of the room, but run back in to take as much of the feast as they can carry before leaving and heading back to Centervilleville.)
The End