(It's a cold November Thursday at Croooooow's house, and the PPV Squad is setting up for Thanksgiving. Huh is cooking the turkey, while Croooooow and Cynric set the table. However, they're the only ones hard at work, as Nykk, Y2Jay, the Hardcore Hamster and Cheesecake are in the living room watching TV.)
Y2Jay: Damn Sci-Fi Channel! They put on all their shitty movies on Thanksgiving!
Nykk: Yeah, why can't they bring back the MST3K marathon?
Cheesecake: At least it's better than football!
(They all nod in agreement.)
Croooooow: Hey, you could come in here and give us a hand, guys!
(Nykk grudgingly gets up and waits for everyone else, who is still glued to the TV. Sighing, he heads into the dining room.)
Nykk: (takes a stack of plates) You know, Jim, we've been to your house for a lot of PPV Squad Episodes, but I never see your parents anywhere around. Isn't that weird?
Croooooow: Yeah, almost as weird as you guys being here for Thanksgiving instead of with your own families.
Cynric: Are you guys sure it was a good idea to put Nathan in charge of cooking? There was this noxious odor coming from the kitchen earlier…
Croooooow: He swore it was the yams!
(He angrily marches into the kitchen as the doorbell rings. Cynric marches to the front door and opens it, staring into the sour puss of Vince McMahon.)
Vince: I don't know why you people invited me, but I'm here and I brought beans!
(He hands the plate full of beans to Cynric and walks in the house.)
Cynric: But we didn't invite…
Vince: Nonsense, all of my employees invite me over for Thanksgiving! I assumed your invitation was lost in the mail.
Cynric: (rolls his eyes) Yeah, that's what happened…
(He turns back to close the door, but gets nailed in the head with a potato.)
Cynric: Ow! Who the hell threw that!? I think I'm bleeding!
(Indeed, a trickle of blood is running down Cynric's forehead. Rob Van Dam walks in the door with a bowl of cranberry sauce.)
RVD: Hey, man. What's going on?
Cynric: RVD, you potatoed me!
RVD: It wasn't me, I swear!
Cynric: (irritated) Jiiiiiiim…
(He goes back toward the kitchen, and Croooooow emerges.)
Croooooow: What?
Cynric: Remember last month when all that weird stuff happened on Halloween?
Croooooow: Yeah.
Cynric: I think we're in for some Holiday Hell.
(He leads him into the living room, where Vince has taken over the remote control and is watching the Bears/Lions game. RVD, is of course, rooting for the Detroit Lions.)
Vince: Dammit, he was wide open! Come on! Where's the attitude? Where's the excitement? I miss my football league…
(Vince starts to weep, with Y2Jay and Cheesecake looking on in bewilderment. Croooooow slowly backs out of the living room.)
Nykk: Uh… where's Dusty?
(A sudden inferno answers them from the kitchen. Nykk and Croooooow run in there to find Dusty joyfully setting the turkey on fire.)
Croooooow: Dusty, I thought we told you 'no flambé!'
Hamster: I apologize. I oughta smack myself.
Nykk: Go smack RVD. He made Mark bleed.
Hamster: (evil look in his eyes) I oughta smack 'im!
(He leaves the kitchen as Huh extinguishes the flames.)
Nykk: Nathan, how close are we to dinner being completed?
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: That's what I want to hear!
(He goes back out into the dining room as the doorbell rings again. Croooooow answers the front door to find Diamond Dallas Page smiling at him over a bowl of mashed potatoes.)
DDP: (smiling) It's me. It's me. It's D… D… P!
Croooooow: Yeah, I know. I suppose you want to come in.
DDP: Oh Croooooow, having WWF and Alliance Superstars over at your house for Thanksgiving isn't a BAD thing… it's a GOOD thing!
Croooooow: How is it good?
DDP: Well… I don't know!
Croooooow: (sighs) Thanks.
(DDP comes in, followed by the Big Show, who is carrying stuffing.)
Croooooow: Nathan, better throw another turkey in!
(He walks into the living room to count people, but gets nailed in the head with a potato.)
Croooooow: Ow! Damn potato made me bleed. Dammit, Rob, why did you do that?
RVD: You're accusing me of potatoing people? When was the last time I did that?
Y2Jay: Hey, someone's in the kitchen with Nathan!
Croooooow: Yeah, someone's in the kitchen, I know!
(They try to go into the kitchen, but Huh won't let them in.)
Huh: No way, guys. No one else is going to disturb my assistant chef and me.
Nykk: (runs in) We've got some problems, guys. Art made a pass at the Big Show, who's tearing shit up upstairs while trying to get to him, Vince's ranting at the football game is scaring DDP, all the cars in the driveway are on fire, and RVD just potatoed me!
(He points to his bleeding forehead.)
RVD: I did not! Why won't anybody believe me?
(A floor beam from above creaks, and the Big Show falls through the ceiling to land in the foyer.)
Cheesecake: (looks down the hole) Big th'exy man go boom?
Big Show: Me get you! AAGGHH!
Huh: Dinner's ready!
Big Show: Ooh! Food!
(He gets up and races to the dining room table, sitting across two chairs. Eventually, everyone except for Huh gathers at the table eagerly awaiting their Thanksgiving meal. Huh comes out with some plates and bowls, setting them on the table.)
Huh: My special assistant has the rest.
(The Rock emerges from the kitchen in an apron, chef's hat and ring tights.)
Rock: Yeah, the Rock's got your turkey, he's got your yams, and he's got your stuffing. But the fact of the matter is this: the Rock is assistant to no one, and he even whipped up some special pie and strudels for desert.
Y2Jay: What kind of pie? Pecan pie?
Rock: How can you think about eating at a time like this, little jabronie? The Rock says you can take your appetite, turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass!
Cynric: Uh… it's intangible.
Rock: What?
Cynric: An appetite. An appetite is intangible. You can't stick something up your ass that doesn't have a solid, liquid or gaseous form to it.
Rock: (raises his eyebrow) If ya smelllll what the Rock is cookin'!
Huh: Bacon?
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Y2Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Cheesecake: (to Cynric) Shut Nathan up!
Huh: No, seriously, he made that too.
(He goes into the kitchen and comes out with a plate of bacon.)
Vince: Can we just eat please? I have other employees' houses to visit. I hear Regal makes a peadrop soup that's to die for!
(They start to eat, as Nathan brings out the turkeys. All of a sudden, the double doors at the back of the dining room blow open and the Hurricane enters.)
Hurricane: Stand back! There's a Hurricane comin' through!
Croooooow: What are you doing here?
Hurricane: I caught wind of a foul stench in the air, so I came right over!
Y2Jay: Dammit Nathan, we told you not to do that while you were cooking.
Huh: Sorry.
Hurricane: No, Citizen Jay. I hear there's a potato problem, and it's causing the spirit of Thanksgiving to bleed away. Wassupwitdat!?
(The Hardcore Hamster walks in from the bathroom and a mysterious hand appears at the edge of the foyer. It has a potato in its grasp, and it rears back.)
Y2Jay: Dusty, look out!
(The hand throws the potato, but the Hardcore Hamster catches it without even looking up. A second one sails his way, but he catches it with his other hand.)
Hurricane: Don't worry, Citizen Dusty! I'll save you!
Hamster: I already caught the damn potatoes, ya…
(The Hurricane tackles him, sending him into the table. He pulls down the table cloth as the bowl of mashed potatoes dumps itself over his head.)
Hamster: Arrgh! I've been mashed potatoed! Who did this ta me?
(He gets up and angrily wipes the food off his face. He pours lighter fluid on his hand and races after the mysterious person.)
Hamster: Flaming Smack!
(He lights his hand on fire and disappears into the foyer, and the PPV Squad hears painful screams and smacking sounds. They race into the room to find a man in a turkey suit lying on the floor with the Hardcore Hamster standing over him triumphantly.)
Hurricane: It's the most villainous villain of them all! The one that only appears at Thanksgiving! The dreaded Turkey Volume Guessing Man!
Nykk: (pulls off the turkey suit's head) No it's not, it's Shawn Stasiak again.
Stasiak: Dammit, why won't you people just die?
Cheesecake: You're an in'th'ecure man, Mi'th'ter Th'ta'th'iak.
Vince: I have never seen a more grotesque display of sportsmanship in my entire life. Now how can I exploit this?
Stasiak: Well, you could put me on Raw or Smackdown.
Vince: Nah, that's going a bit too far I think. Anyway, I have other employees' houses to freeload from, so I'll be going.
(He goes out the front door.)
RVD: Yeah, I should be going too.
Nykk: Hey, sorry about accusing you of potatoing everyone.
RVD: Nah, it's cool. Everything's cool when you're Rob Van Dam!
(He starts to leave.)
RVD: Hey, Nick!
Nykk: Don't call me that! It's…
(He catches a chair that Van Dam throws at him only to receive a Van Daminator, knocking him cold. RVD takes the chair and leaves.)
Big Show: More food?
Croooooow: (shakes his head) Sorry Big Show, we're out.
Big Show: AGGGH!
(He runs through the foyer and smashes through the wall, leaving a gaping hole as he races to his car.)
DDP: (puts his arms around Croooooow and Y2Jay) I like me… you like me…
Croooooow: Just get the hell out!
(DDP leaves. The Rock follows him out the door.)
Y2Jay: Well, Jim… your house is pretty much destroyed.
Cheesecake: Your car's been burnt to a crisp.
Huh: And I flooded your kitchen with cranberry sauce.
Croooooow: Well, we shouldn't let that take away from the one thing we should truly be thankful for.
Cynric: And what's that?
Croooooow: TV!
PPV Squad: Yeah!
(They wade through the river of cranberry sauce and sit in the living room, changing the channel from football back to the movies.)
The End