The Smart-Ass Raw Recap

• Intro time, as always, filmed in MumbleVision.
• We'll get to Raw in a moment but first let's watch last week's Smackdown IN ITS ENTIRETY!
• The Raw is War theme song. I could be going crazy but I think I actually understand about half the lyrics! "It's my life in a box / And it's hard to beat / Taking schluzz in my arms / It's the soul of me / Pult ah lahz / See me layin' face down / What has luaz the thorn / IN YOUR EYE!
• Lots of sparklies, and apparently we're LIVE! from the San Jose Arena in San Jose, California no less. Hey, no fair! It's warm down there!
• No chance! No chance in Hell! that we're going to start off the show with a wrestling match. Here comes The Billion Dollar McMahon to show us the path to righteousness. The gist of this is that Vince is upset because The Rock doesn't respect authori-tie. More Smackdown footage… yay! This time it's The Rock taking out two referees. So, Vince sayeth, The Rock will compete tonight in a handicapped match against Citizen Kane and Rikishi. The Rock's partners will be two WWF Referees. He then turns to talking about The Beer Elemental and how he intends to make peace with him before the year is out. After all, he says, if Austin and he can be friends, what about peace in the Middle East? Suuurrreee, Vince. Like the Middle East is going to take notes from the WWF. Anyway, this brings out said Beer Elemental, who erupts into a spiel that utilizes more profanity and middle fingers than we've probably seen on Raw in the past two months. Just as he gets to "Cause Stone Cold said so!" Kurt Angled Banner's music hits. Angle asks him if he was such a great talker back in '96 when he was having strap matches with Savio Vega. Austin flips him off, does his "Hell yeah!" bit and calls for beers. He turns his back to Angle because I guess he's JUST THAT DUMB, and Angle waffles him with the belt. Gee, didn't see that coming. Angle and McMahon step off, and McMahon seems a little perturbed at Kurt. Austin points to his watch to let us know that yes, this segment did go WAY TOO LONG.
• MOMENTS AGO: we recap the debacle, but no Smackdown footage! Austin is shown in the back. Dammit! We go back to Smackdown, where Jericho is prevented from becoming IC Champ. Run-ins galore! This couldn't possibly lead to a six-man tag, could it?
• WhyIIJay & The Hardy Boyz vs. The Totally Toobularz- A good match, but short. Big surprise. The tides turn after Jeff nearly breaks his neck doing the Swanton and makes the hot tag to Jericho. Jericho cleans house and then everyone comes in. Benoit attempts to get Jericho in the Crossface, but Jericho reverses into a backslide and actually does the move correctly! Meaning that he keeps his feet moving forward so that the pressure on Benoit's shoulders doesn't let up. Benoit is pinned and all is joyous with the faces. Lita pulls Malenko off the apron. Malenko responds by taking… something… from the front row and slops her! Okay, it was just hot dog mustard, but it was just THAT random to make it funny.
• Meanwhile, Stephanie McMannequin-Cube smirks at five referees. I think the one on the end wants her! Teddy Long and Jack Doan "volunteer" to wrestle when they speak out against this handicapped match.
• DURING THE BREAK: The Hardy Boyz see Lita off into the shower and leave. But lo and behold, here comes Dean Malenko, sneaking into the women's shower.
• Kevin Kelly stands by with The Rock. Aaahhh! Pat Patterson just popped out of The Rock's dressing room! That just explained a whole lot that I didn't need to know. Patterson quickly goes back in and shuts the door. The Rock talks about winning the Royal Rumble. He says if Stone Cold wins the title tonight then he has a date with The Rock. First Patterson in the dressing room and now The Rock wants to date Austin!? You (yes, even you, Nathan) could probably figure out the rest of this. He blows off his match, calls Steph a slut, candy-ass, Kelly's a hermaphrodite, if ya smelll…
• Dean Malenko continues his quest in the women's shower… he peeks through the curtain to get a better look. Butt-cam: Actual Butt Footage. He offers her a towel, and Lita takes it while telling him to get out. Women, I tells ya. The Hardyz are back in to beat up Malenko. They overturn a table and use one of the its legs to Pillmanize Malenko's knee. Lots of Officials run in to pull the Boyz off Malenko. So how does Lita feel now that there are about TWELVE men in her shower?
• Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler recap the Chyna: Warrior Princess vs. Right to Censor angle. Footage of Chyna being piledriven is shown and it just doesn't get old, no matter how many times you see it! Here's Todd Jr. with a few words from Chyna. I didn't watch the interview, but I'm guessing she talked about coming back against doctor's orders.
• Jonathan Coachman is standing by with Billy Gunn, who has a few words for the RTC.
• Billy's Bunns vs. The Real Double V in a Lumberjack Match- We wait a half an hour for another wrestling match and we get this? JR and The King give us some actual USEFUL history on the Lumberjack match. Basically like every other LJ match in history. Face gets thrown out, heels beat him up. Heel gets thrown out, faces beat him up. Gunn hits the cobra clutch slam for the pin. And just like every other LJ match in history, the lumberjacks fill up the ring at this point. The faces eventually stand triumphant.
• Edge & Christian tell Kurt Angle to watch what they have in store for the Dudleys tonight. We cut to Long and Doan who are standing around. Kane walks by and glares at them. They assure him that this match wasn't their idea and get shoved for their efforts.
• WWF SLAM OF THE WEEK (brought to you by the Non-Arquette Phone Number): The Rock gives the Rock Bottom to Kurt Angle, Mike Chioda, and Chad Patton.
• Citizen Kane & Rikishi vs. The Rock & My Two Refs- The match ends in a DQ when Kane shoves Tim White away, who was trying to take a chair away from him. They beat up The Rock and the refs after the match. However, The ImmobileTaker is Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'… well, Runnin' Runnin' Runnin' down the aisle. Chokeslams and Rock Bottoms abound.
• The WWF Fanatic Series: Instead of getting in-depth looks at the careers of Austin, Rock, or Foley, this month we get WWF Divas: Postcards from the Carribean, just to remind me that it's NOT fair that I live in Ohio and get crappy weather all winter.
• MOMENTS AGO: Predictability abounds!
• Stephanie is outraged that her dad's plot was foiled by something a child of six could have seen coming a mile away. In an attempt to divide Rock and UT, Vince throws out a Rock vs. Undertaker vs. Kane vs. Rikishi match for Smackdown in which the winner gets #30, apparently not realizing that this will also divide Rikishi and Kane.
• Raven vs. Steve Blackman for the Hardcore Championship- After about a minute, Bob "I'm Hardcore and if ya don't believe me, I'll smack ya" Holly comes out with another ref. Apparently a new rule dictates that if Raven pins either Holly or Blackman, his match will be over. He pins Holly and quickly skee-daddles. Raven runs backstage and gets into a waiting car. The car speeds away and might hit that other car up the street if it's not careful. I wonder who was behind the wheel. Did they raise the briefcase?
• Edge & Christian tell their surprise guest to wait until they introduce them. We then cut to a Shopzone.com ad.
• ROYAL RUMBLE REPLAY: From 1999, Kane comes in and eliminates everybody. It's been awhile since I've seen Kurrgan and Goldust.
• From WWF New York, Kai En Tai has a few words of wisdom. "You! Silly Americans! Put down those buffalo wings!" "Indeed!" Back to JR and The King. Have you ever wondered how YOU could become a WWF Superstar? Find out how later on.
• Edge & Christian hit the ring. Well, not literally, but they do bring a table in. Christian greets all the fans in "San Josie." Edge says that since they're about to beat the Dudleys for the 37, 452nd and a half time at the Royal Rumble ("Just two weeks away!" quips Ross helpfully), they went and found two people who know the Dudleys better than anybody: Mutha Faye and Lee-von, the Dudley Parents! A fat middle-aged white lady and a tall middle-aged African American come out wearing Dudley duds. We're shown some baby pictures, and in response to a question by Christian, Lee-von says "TESTIFY!" Edge tells Mutha Faye that he feels so sorry for her uterus. "WAAAAAHHH!" she replies. What was that supposed to be? (Okay, I know what it was SUPPOSED to be, but still…) The Dudley Boyz come out and Edge & Christian throw the parents at them to make their getaway. 3D on Lee-von and The Owchie Move on Mutha Faye. D-von with the Rain Dance. D-von doesn't have to go far to get the table, and Buh-Buh puts Faye through the table with a superbomb.
• Vince asks Stephanie if she'll get him some coffee. She disappears, albeit suspicious, and Vince starts to STRIP!? Whew, only his jacket came off.
• The Rock appeared at the CES show to unveil Microsoft's new video game console The X-Box, because the computer industry just ain't enough. The Rock does a bit with Bill Gates. We then get comments from The Rock who states that it's about time the Rock and Bill Gates hooked up. I thought he wanted to date Austin! The Rock has some serious issues to work out.
• Stephanie catches Trish Stratus coming out of Vince's bathroom. Steph decides to put Trish in a handicapped match tonight with Albert vs. Test. Vince assures her there's no problem. Steph backs that up by saying that there's no problem because Trish is used to two-on-ones. Crowd: "Oooooohhhhhh!"
• At WWF New York, the marks are asked who's going to win the Austin vs. Angle mach tonight. Back to LIVE! er… action… Vince is looking for someone.
• Dick Butkus shills the XFL (their slogan: Come on! Watch us! Please?). JR and The King are going to call quite a few games it seems, with "quite a few" meaning until the product gets over and then they'll leave. If you've ever wanted to be a WWF Superstar, there's a program called Tough Enough (why not Soul Ride or Bad to the Bone?). Just go to wwf.com for details. Really? That's it? Just log onto wwf.com and I'm in?
• The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Albert & Trish Stratus vs. Test- Test almost gets his hands on Trish, but Niles comes down the aisle, still bruised from Smackdown. He pulls Trish to safety and hotshots Test. Albert with the Albert Bomb for the pin.
• Stephanie thinks that Vince sent Regal down to interfere. No amount of denial can persuade her from Storming Out. Then we get MORE FREAKIN' SMACKDOWN FOOTAGE! After that, we take a look at Angle's rookie year, which is the same footage from the WWF Exposed 2000 special from Heat a week back. They're REALLY hyping this up.
• Austin and Angle walk toward the ring.
• The Beer Elemental vs. Kurt Angled Banner for the WWF World Title- Great match for free television. Even the outside the ring brawling was better than the norm. Regal interfered with a pipe, but Austin managed to beat him away. Back in the ring, Austin pulls out some suplexes (!) and Angle pulls out even more belly-to-bellys, snap, and death suplexes. Angle's really selling fatigue and frustration at not being able to pin Austin. A gut-wrench suplex is followed by the Olympic Slam, or at least an attempt. Austin reverses and beats down Kurt. He goes up to the second rope, which we haven't seen in FOREVER, and does the elbow drop. He goes for the Stunner, but Angle keeps reversing. The Stunner is teased once more and finally delivered, popping the crowd BIG. Austin covers, but H Cube makes his return by pulling Earl Hebner from the ring. He punches Hebner and talks smack to Austin. Austin tells him to "bring his motherf*ckin' ass up." Oopsie. HHH removes his jacket, and the crowd is just getting louder and louder as they tease this. He slowly works his way into the ring. Some great camerawork here too. HHH runs at Austin, and IT'S ON! They throw some extremely intense right hands at each other and the crowd goes BATSHIT. They brawl over the English announcer's table, where HHH grabs the pipe that Regal brought out and levels Austin with it. Austin blades, and HHH lays him out on the table and stands over him. His new music (which really sucks!) hits, and he we're out.
• A mediocre episode of Raw followed by an unbelievable main event. At least for TV, anyway. I was disappointed the match didn't have an ending, but it still didn't take away from the body of work that went into the match, and they compensated somewhat with a crowd-popping brawl afterward. Not every week we see something like that.