Royal Rumble: No Chance in Hell

A lot of people have said that this year's Royal Rumble sucked, but I don't see it that way. I don't know what they must have been smoking.

This will be a long review. Austin and McMahon start out, of course, and Austin suprises me by beating the hell out of him for 1 1/2 minutes (I thought McMahon would be running and ducking all over the ringside area to avoid Austin). Golga came out, and immediately went after Austin. McMahon took this oppurtunity to escape, and Austin made short work of Golga, eliminating him quickly. Austin and McMahon went under the bottom rope, and up the arena. Meanwhile, Droz made his way to an empty ring. Edge joined him, and the two had a few minutes of fast paced action before the camera went back to McMahon and Austin who were fighting backstage. McMahon lured Austin into the ladies' room, where the Corporation was lying in wait. They ambushed Austin. Meanwhile, Gillberg made his way to the ring, burning his foot on a sparkler and getting doused with a fire extinguisher. He immediately went to the ropes to pose, and was dumped over by Edge. Back to the ladies' room, Austin is unconscious on the floor, and paramedics are putting him on a stretcher. Steve Blackman, Dan Severn, Tiger Ali Singh, and the Blue Meanie were the next four to come out. Backstage, Austin was loaded into an ambulance and taken away. The horn sounded for the next participant, but no one came out. The camera briefly caught Mabel (who had appeared earlier on SNH to wrestle Mankind in a warm up match) attacked Mosh and stole his number. Mabel lumbered in and cleaned house, eliminating everyboy except Edge, who was eliminated by the next participant, Roaddogg Jesse James. The lights then went out, and the Ministry of Darkness came to ringside. The Acolytes and Dennis Knight attacked Mabel, eliminating him. He and the Undertaker exchanged words, and then the Acolytes continued to beat up Mabel and took him to the back. After they left, Gangrel made his way to the ring (I've never seen a wrestler's music send fans into convulsions before, but about 8-10 fans at ringside were violently swaying back and forth to the beat of his music.) He was quickly eliminated by James. Kurrgan was next, followed by Al Snow. When Al and Roaddogg teamed up on Kurrgan, the Roaddogg eliminated Snow. Goldust was next, and then the Godfather. Kane then came in and eliminated everybody! Several orderlies then came down to put Kane in a straight jacket, and Kane briefly resisted before stepping over the ropes, eliminating himself, and exiting through the crowd. Ken Shamrock was next, and entered the empty ring. McMahon made his way to the announcing table. Billy Gunn was next, coincidentally. He was hopping on one foot from his previous match. Outside the arena, Mabel was being loaded into a hearse by The Acolytes, and an ambulance drove right past them. It stopped, and Austin got out of the driver's seat! Test was the next number, and then The Big Bossman. At this point, Austin made his way back to the ring. Austin eliminated Shamrock, and then Billy Gunn. Triple H, Val Venis, X-pac, Mark Henry, Jeff Jarrett, D'lo Brown (flanked by PMS), and Owen Hart all made their way down. Chyna then made her entrance, and went right for Mark Henry, eventually eliminating him. She was then promptly clotheslined over the top by Austin. Over the next few minutes, Austin systematically eliminated everyone else until just him and McMahon were left. Austin attacked him on the outside, hit him with a chair and dragged him into the ring to deliver The Stunner. He then elbow dropped Vince, as the Rock came down to ringside. Austin fought with the Rock in the ropes, and McMahon eliminated Austin, tossing him out from behind! McMahon won the Rumble, and the entire Corporation celebrated with some beers in the ring. Not a bad Rumble, but it would have been better with two minute intervals.
Rating: ***1/2

This was a decent main event. Mankind started out on offense then got pounded for the next fifteen minutes. Rock tried to give him The Rock Bottom through a table, but it collapsed when both athletes stood on it. They fought their way to the aisle, where Mankind took a dive onto a ladder. Then, the Rock used the ladder to climb to the balcony. Mankind followed, and ended up pushing Foley off. Foley fell twelve feet through two huge speakers! Sparks flew, and the lights in the arena went out briefly. Mankind was then handcuffed in the ring, and hit nine times in the head, consecutively, with a chair! Mick eventually collapsed in the aisle, and when the Rock told him to say "I Quit", Mankind was heard over the PA saying "I quit, I quit, I quit!" The Rock regained his title, right? But what actually happened was earlier on SNH, Mankind was heard in the boiler room commenting "Rock you will say the words "I quit, I quit, I quit!" Those words were recorded and played by Shane McMahon over the PA. Nevertheless, The Rock is once again the Champ.
Rating: ***1/4

This match wasn't as good as expected, but still decent. X-pac did his usual moves, and Gangrel barely got in any offense. Eventually when Gangrel lifted X-pac, he countered into the X-Factor for the win.
Rating: **3/4

If anyone can figure out what WPMC stands for, please tell me. Anyway, this was a short sluggish match, which went on and on until things picked up when Val Venis made a run in and DDTed Shamrock. Gunn still couldn't put him away, and Shamrock was able to clamp on the Ankle Lock for the win.
Rating: **1/2

All things considered, this wasn't a bad match. Roaddogg stole Bossman's famous move, the hang-over-the-rope-and-jumping-on-his-back thing. Bossman eventually cleanly pinned James with the Bossman Slam.
Rating: **

This just plain sucked. Aside from some stiff kicks and lashes with the strap, this followed the formula of every strap match ever sanctioned, where the face secretly taps the corner after the heel and then somehow prevents them from reaching the fourth corner and touching it to get the win. In this case, Terri Powers came out of the crowd and punched Luna, before being chased out by security.
Rating: *1/2

Overall Rating: ***1/4

Personal Notes: Our friend Cheesecake is considered a semi-gothic person. Before the PPV, while we were dubbing WWF: The Music vol. 3 for Crooooow, he entered as Gangrel's music played. During the PPV, we also commented on the possibilities of Steven Regal vs. the DOA vs. Tatanka vs. The Big Bossman in a Village People match. Huh fumbled once again, as he said something about an Asian in the village people and how Papa Shango could play the part. When asked why, he responded that voodoo was Asian. When told that it WASN'T Asian, that in fact, it was African, he started talking about a haunted house on a hill for some reason. This just prompted us all to say "Shut up, Nathan!" BTW, I won the Disgusting, Sick, Perverted Joke of the Night.

Winterfresh commercial: It's 98.6 degrees.... In your mouth!

Me: That sounds like a WWF PPV.

Croooooow: In Your Mouth?

(Everyone groans at the sick implications)

Cheesecake: I'd hate to hear what the matches would be.

Me: Val Venis vs. Too Much.

(Croooooow and Cheesecake groan again)

Huh: Huh?

That's all for now! See ya after St. Valentine's Day Massacre!