Ugh. That's all I have to say for a prelude. And no, I don't have an accompanying logo for the first time in the history of my WWF reviews.
Boy, the music in that video recap sure did suck. It had me crying for the Big Show's music, and of course, he's the first participant to the ring, once again proving me psychic. The other participants soon entered, and special enforcer Steve Austin will be our color commentator for some reason. "Obedient Employee" Jim Korderis will be the ref. The Bulldog and The Rock started, and The Rock got the upper hand. Everyone was tagged in at some point, and this match was so confusing to follow that I think I'll just skip over most of the match. Near the end, Mankind put the Mandible Sock on The Rock, who promptly kicked him in the nuts, and gave him a Rock Bottom. The Big Show cleared the ring and Arrrrgggghhhh! The Chokeslam!ed Mankind. He covered Mick, but the refs that were on strike appeared and pulled Korderis out of the ring so they could beat him down. Austin jumped up from his chair and laid out all the refs and got in the ring. Big Show got dumped over the ropes and it was Rock and Triple H. Rock hit the Rock Bottom Special on HHH, and covered him. Big Show pulled out Austin and Bulldog hit the Rock with a chair. HHH set up Rock for the Pedigree. The Bulldog raised the chair as if he were about to nail HHH, but Austin swiped the chair and kaboshed the Bulldog as Triple H hit the Pedigree. Austin made the three count, and showed his displeasure with the outcome after the match. Stunner on HHH, beers, good night everyone!
Rating: **1/2
I guessed they realized that Billy Gunn wasn't ever going to main event, so they stuck him back with the Road Dogg, who wasn't going anywhere either. The Outlaws teamed up against Christian early on, but he soon made the tag, and they isolated the Road Dogg. Edge hit several high flying maneuvers, and they double teamed him. The Road Dogg eventually turned a flapjack into a double DDT, and all three men landed in exactly the same position (it was funny, but you had to see it to appreciate it). Road Dogg tagged Gunn, who cleaned house. All hell broke loose, and Road Dogg set up Edge for the Pumphandle Slam, but got Speared. At this point, The New Brood interfered and beat up Edge behind the ref's back. Gunn with the FameAsser for the win. After the match, Edge & Christian chased The New Brood back to the locker room, which had a funny camera angle that made it look like The New Brood were running away for no reason.
Rating: **1/4
This match might have been a bit more exciting, but the crowd chose to pay more attention to something that was happening involving security guards confiscating signs. Anyway, Chris Jerich first said he knew everyone expected him to come out and brag about ending Ken Shamrock's career, and that's exactly what he planned to do. The match started slow, and X-pac went for the Bronco Buster early, but Y2J slid out of the way. See-saw action, as the two men hit various high flying maneuvers, including a springboard missle dropkick by Jericho to X-pac. X-pac hit a spinning heel kick and vaulted through the ropes onto Curtis Hughes. He went for the Bronco Buster, but Jericho got his foot up and low blowed X-pac. Jericho hit a senton splash, but only got a two count. He took too much time on the ropes, and X-pac superplexed him to the mat. Jericho hit a double powerbomb, but X-pac recovered and tied him in the tree of woe. He hit a reverse Bronco Buster, which looked really disgusting, which brought Hughes into the ring to lay out the ref and X-pac. The Road Dogg made the save, and we get an "Aww, they're buddies" ending. X-pac won by DQ.
Rating: **1/4
Jarrett took the early advantage, but Chyna hit the low blow. Jarrett was able to retake the advantage, and hit a single arm Tornado DDT. Chyna scored with a vertical suplex, and both lay motionless. Jarrett tried to leave, but Chyna wouldn't let him. She gave him a powerslam, but Jarrett came back with a powerbomb. He tried the Figure Four, but Chyna nudged him in the rear with her free foot, which for some reason made Jarrett fly over the top rope. She hit Jarrett with a chair, and somewhere in that confusion, the ref was knocked unconscious. Miss Kitty handed Jarrett his gee-tar, but The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young entered the ring and started beating on Jarrett. Jeff took care of them with a double clothesline, but Jarrett's troubles were only beginning. Debra came out and nailed Miss Kitty. She kabonged Jarrett with the gee-tar, and Chyna covered him. The ref woke up and counted Jarrett out, and we had a new IC Champ! No, we didn't. Tom Pritchard came out and replayed the gee-tar shot, and reversed the decision. Jarrett still laid unconscious in the ring. For a minute, I thought Debra had killed Jarrett.
Rating: **
This may have been the sleeper hit of the night, but I don't like Hardcore matches, so it goes down here in the middle. It started before they even got to the ring, so there was absolutely NO heat whatsoever. The reason I thought it was the sleeper hit was because they looked like they were really trying to take each others' heads off with some of the weapons they used. Luna splashed Ivory from on top of a forklift, and took out the unfortunate cameraman. They beat on each other with boxes and poles, and eventually Ivory pinned Luna amidst the chaos.
Rating: *1/2
In a pre-match interview, Sexual Chocolate got slapped when he whispered a suggestion to Lilian Garcia. Henry came out and got on the stick, saying that there wouldn't be a European Title match tonight, because since he got slapped, he had a "braineuyrism". Must have caught it from Garcia. She seems to have a "braineuyrism" every time she announces. He told the ladies he was with to start up the car, and left after a little speech. D'lo came out however, and it was on. D'lo worked on Mark's head early on, hit the Sky High early, and scored with several cross body blocks, one from the top rope. When he went up again, Henry executed a powerslam and got a two count. Mark took the advantage, but D'lo hit a head scissors out of nowhere, and hit a spinning heel kick and a standling leg drop for a two count. Henry backed him into the corner and did the ten-punch thing, but D'lo countered with a running powerbomb. He then went up and hit the 'Lo Down for the victory. New European Champ!
Rating: *1/2
The fans (and the announcers) didn't even pretend to be into this one. The match was slow, with several pinfall attempts. Buh Buh Ray hit a belly to belly suplex on Faarooq, and D-von hit a shoulder block and a swinging neckbreaker. Faarooq tagged Bradshaw, and he took back the advantage, but the Dudleys countered with 3D. But Bradshaw actually kicked out! Stevie Richards waltzed down to ringside dressed as an Acolyte, with UPN across his chest. He Stevie-kicked D-von, allowing the Acolytes to win the match.
Rating: *1/4
Val came out, then immediately went backstage.
Croooooow: What is he doing?
Me: Maybe he forgot to put his wrestling trunks on under his towel.
Jim Ross: What, did he forget to put on his tights?
I seem to have a psychic connection with JR at every PPV. This isn't the first time we've been on the same wavelength. Anyway, what Val forgot was Blackman's martial arts bag. He took the early advantage, and took it to Blackman on the outside. After smashing Blackman's head into the steps, Val threw him back in the ring. The advantage swung back and forth, until Val hit a series of moves that culminated in a Russian legsweep. Blackman was able to counter with a spinebuster, but couldn't pin Val. Val hit a DDT, followed by The Money Shot for the win.
Rating: *1/4
The rules were supposed to be that the cage and the Hell in a Cell would be down with rottweilers in between the cages. The first person to escape the cage would be victorious. What we actually got was both cages down, and rottweilers and their handlers in between the cages. In a pre-match interview, the Bossman said "This will be a night you will never........ um........ forget!" Forgive me if I don't call the match, and rant, because this match SUCKED! Easily a candidate for Worst Match of the Year. Somewhere along the way, the Bossman tried using wire cutters to cut through the top of the cell, but Al Snow stopped him. The Bossman squeezed Snow's ears with the wire cutters, and tried to throw some powdery substance in Snow's eyes, but Snow reversed it. Maybe it was confiscated Cocaine. They sure wrestled like they were on Cocaine. You would think they would have learned their lesson the first time they put the Bossman in a Hell in a Cell match. Outside the cage, the dogs were more concerned with trying to attack each other than taking a bite out of Bossman's arm, which Al shoved through the bars of the cage. On a side note, if there were supposed to be vicious dogs around ringside, why did they put a cameraman in between the cages? I could just see the dogs going right for the cameraman and Snow or the Bossman easily escaping the cages. Al Snow reached into a bag and pulled out none other than Head, which he used to clock the Bossman.
Jim Ross: Al Snow just pulled Head out of his sack!
Yes, he actually said that. Snow climbed out of the cage, climbed hand over hand across the top of the Cell, and dropped right in front of the door, where he went out and retained the Hardcore Belt.
Rating: *
Overall Rating: *3/4
Lowest rating for a PPV ever in the history of my reviews. The Bossman was right, however. That'll be a night I'll never... um... uh... ah, crap... forget!