"No, Jordan, I'm sorry, but I just can't."
The tears made it hard to even see him, and she couldn't believe herself that she was saying this to Jordan Knight, her fantasy man for so many years.
"You give me one good reason why, and I'll go now. I will not contact you, and no one will ever know."
The silence said more than anything else could've ever stated. It lasted near a full five minutes, then one final sound brought them back to the world. The ring box snapping shut.
Shakily his voice followed, "Damnit, I can't believe this! The "I love you's, the passionate kisses, the way I bonded with your children!"
"I know," was all she could say as the clash of the box hitting the far wall sounded.
There was no shakiness this time, just obvious sobbing as he let it all flow.
"Fuck it, keep the damn ring. Someday you may call me up, but I won't allow myself to dream. I don't think I can take my heart dying twice."
"Jordan."
"Stop there, just let me have the last thing I hear from you to be my name. Just let me show you the same courtesy of hearing something to remember from me. Tracy, I love you, I always will."
With that, he went into a Tori Amos song that he knew she loved.
*singing*
"When you gonna make up your mind? When you gonna love you as much as I do?"
With that he walked out the door.
Tracy stood for a minute before she felt herself hit the floor. There was a moment of shock as she noticed she wasn't crying. She couldn't cry. All she could feel was this sinking feeling taking over her body. She almost was convinced she was dying.
Could she possibly die of a broken heart? Could her body stop functioning from the pain? She laid there for a few minutes, before picking her body up.
"I might as well be dead," she thought. "I can't feel anything except this sinking feeling, with him, he took my soul."
Tracy collapsed onto the bed. She fell into sleep almost immediately
Jordan was driving calmly for as upset as he was. He had to get out of there. How could she say no? She loved him, and he knew it!
His hands gripped the steering wheel as the tears continued to flow. He couldn't believe he was still crying. Over a woman too!
The things Jonathan would tell him when he got there, he was already telling himself. "There are plenty of fish ... she is the one missing out...."
"Yeah yeah, Jonathan," Jordan said outloud, and even managed a small laugh as he realized he wasn't at Jonathan's yet!
As he pulled into the driveway, he saw Jonathan, and by the look in his eyes, Jonathan knew what happened.
Jordan instantly reverted into his childhood days as he cried openly and collapsed almost bringing his older brother to the ground.
Jonathan didn't say a word. He just let him pour it all out.
"Jon, I don't know why, but she said no. She just said she couldn't. I know she loves me, and want's to be with me! I didn't do anything to deserve this as far as I can see. I love her kids. Her ex-husband even made peace with me and was happy for us! I have enough money to take care of her. I am definitely not lazy. What is it? I just don't see me living without her. She is my lifeline. There is no other for me ... what can I do?"
Jonathan slowly gave way to his brother's weight, and lowered the two of them to the ground. When he was sure Jordan was done with his words, he began.
"Jordan, don't worry. We can get her back, and I'm sure she didn't really want to say no."
Jordan looked at his brother in surprise. "Jon, I didn't expect that from you!"
"Jordan, I know you love her, and she loves you.......we just have to come up with a way to reassure her of both loves."
"Better yet," Jordan thought out loud, "convince her of herself."
Tracy woke up a few hours later. She hoped the hellish day was just a dream, but the empty feeling was far too strong to be a leftover dream. She moved to the kitchen for a drink, and the ring box that had been thrown from the living room was the telltale sign of the realness of earlier that day.
Tracy picked up the box, but the velvet almost hurt, it wasn't soft. The love was gone from it. Her fingers shook as she opened it. The diamond was the biggest she'd ever seen.
"He was showing off his money"........"NO DAMNIT TRACY! You know better than that!" Her voice lingered in the empty house. Tracy knew Jordan had never used his money in anyway to look good in her eyes. He never acted any better than anyone else.
She was just trying to justify what she had put him through, but she couldn't marry him. She didn't know why, she just couldn't say yes to him. He deserved better.
Jordan and Jonathan made their way into the house after a while. "Need a drink?" Jonathan knew the answer. Who didn't need a drink after a cry like that?
"Southern Comfort."
Jordan didn't drink on a regular basis, and never anything hard, but he had heard Donnie order this a few times, and his troubles seemed to drown in it.
"Jordan, it's not going to make it any better."
OK, Jordan thought, there's the Jon I know, so aliens didn't take over his body.
"SOUTHERN COMFORT."
Jordan knew he sounded like a jerk, but he also knew Jonathan would not be upset. Not so long ago he had gone through the same thing.
Jordan held his drink with a force to stop his shaking. He downed it and sat the glass on the table for fear of breaking it. He didn't know if he would shatter it in his hand or on the wall.
The drink gagged him, and it burned. "Another."
"Jordan, you're not a drinker, that is pretty strong, wait."
"ANOTHER!" but Jonathan had had enough and dumped the rest to stop his brother.
Tracy went through the motions of making coffee. Maybe some caffeine would jump start her.
She grabbed the remote, and the radio clicked on. She forgot for the moment how big of a love music fan she was. But as Nick Carter's voice filled the house, she let the first tear fall. "As long as you love me." Those words sounded so simple, yet, she knew Jordan loved her, why couldn't it just be like the BSB planned? Nothing else but love mattering?
Tori Amos she thought. She has a song for everything........"OH YEAH TRACY!" she shouted, "JUST THE SONG HE SANG BEFORE HE LEFT!"
Jordan was obviously drunk. He knew it, and he lit a cigarette, French inhaling.
"Ya know what Jon? I could never French inhale til....now, maybe the alcohol makes you smarter!" Jordan laughed like an animal in pain. The kind of laugh that scares little children.
Jonathan decided to let him laugh for a while, let him be drunk, he needs it. Besides, the worst thing now, could only be seeing his brother's soul mate go.
Tracy grabbed the phone, she wanted so badly to call Chris, but no one knew she was dating Jordan. NO ONE! She called Donnie, she didn't know why. Partly because he would get her drunk, and partly cuz Tracy knew if Jordan was anywhere, he was at Jon's.
Jordan took off out of the house drunk as can be, into his car. Jonathan would've stopped him, but he was busy.
Jordan was a madman weaving all over the road....."She would call Donnie" ......he knew that, that was just like her.
"Please lemme make it there and her not be mad cuz I'm drunk." Jordan slurred a half prayer.
As Jordan pulled up to Donnie's, he gave up the idea of maneuvering his car into the driveway. Instead, he just pulled straight up to the front door.
Donnie came running out of his house, "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"
When he saw it was Jordan, he stopped. "Man I was about to SO kick your ass!"
Jordan got out of the car. "She said 'no'," was all he slurred.
"Get in the house."
Jordan sat down on Donnie's couch, only to be yanked up suddenly by Donnie.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing driving drunk? I don't care if Tracy or whoever said No to whatever. You are not stupid Jordan! Well, maybe you are!"
"Don't you talk to me like that Donnie!"
Donnie and his temper got carried away and he hauled off and punched Jordan square in his mouth.
Jordan was too drunk to care much, and he sat down.
The phone rang and Jordan glanced at the caller-ID and smiled. He forgot for a second that he wasn't at home, and this wasn't just one of Tracy's "called to say I love you's."
"Hello?" Donnie knew what was to come.
"Yeah, sure Tracy come on over, no he's not here."
Jordan looked confused, but didn't ask.
Tracy saw Donnie's driveway, and pulled in. As she walked to the house, she spotted Jordan's car. What??? she thought.
Tracy stormed into the house, Donnie had lied to her, and he was gonna hear about it. Nothing was as bad as a lie to her.
"DONNIE!!! You have some explaining to do! What is he doing here, you told me he wasn't!"
"Look Tracy, first of all, you'd better learn how to knock, and second, I had to lie to you to get you here, so check your attitude now!"
Tracy was flaming now. "FUCK YOU"
She started to go out the door, when Donnie stepped in front of her. "You are not leaving this house till you hear what I have to say."
"OK, then say what you have to say." Tracy was pretty pissed by this time.
"First, Jordan needs to sober up, so we'll talk in the morning."
Donnie guarded the door, even sleeping by it all night. Tracy wanted to leave so bad, it was hard to know the man she loved was in the next room and that he hated her.
The next morning, Jordan woke up extremely confused. How did I get to Donnie's??? He made his way downstairs. WOW! What was Tracy doing here? He wondered if she had been in his bed.
"Good morning."
Tracy looked happy to see him, but she only said, "Good, now Donnie can say what he has to say and I can leave."
Donnie began. He pulled Jordan by the arm and made him sit in the big living room chair, and he pulled Tracy over to Jordan's lap. "Don't fight me, girl, you'll only make this take longer!"
She reluctantly sat down. Donnie put Jordan's arms around her, and pushed her back onto his chest.
"Now, you guys are the most perfect couple I have ever seen, if anyone was ever meant for anyone, it is you guys. Jordan, I will kick your ass if you let her go, and Tracy, I will hunt you down if you run. You two have been through so much. Remind her, Jordan, what she has done for you, and Tracy, you listen, and remind him too. There, I've said my piece, go. Oh, and I suggest you take Tracy's car. Easier to get home!"
Jordan heard Donnie's words, and he tried to listen, but mostly he was thinking about how good it felt to have Tracy in his arms. Leave? Now he would have to let go of her. Knowing this may be the last time he could hold her, he took a deep breath through his nose. He wanted to always remember how it felt to hold her, how she stumbled around sleepily in the morning, and how she smelled.
He reluctantly let go. She didn't move for a second. Then she silently got up and headed for the door.
Tracy felt so safe in his arms. She knew what Donnie was saying. Jordan had done so much for her, but what was this about her doing things for him? She had no money, no house, car, nothing. All that was his, it was her fault, though, she thought.
Maybe the trip to Boston right after the divorce was a bad idea. Amy and Chris finally did what she always asked, they kidnapped her and took her to Jordan. Damn, who knew they really would?
She could hear Jordan's heart. That familiar sound. She had let it sing her to sleep many nights. The warmth of him sent her mind sailing to a safe place in her head where Jordan didn't really leave the day before.
As Jordan walked outside, he laughed so hard he fell on the ground. "I'm so sorry Donnie!"
"That's OK, just promise me you will NEVER drive drunk again. Don't take me to a funeral Jay."
"I promise, I don't know what got into me," but he did, Tracy got into him, into his heart.
He looked at Tracy who was still sitting in her car. She waved him to come over.
"C'mon, I'll take you home."
He half expected to go to her house where he stayed most of the time. It was a refuge from the fans and media, and Tracy's kids felt safer with him than in some huge house.
His heart sank when she pulled up to his house.
Jordan walked into the house, numb. He didn't know what to do, but there had to be a way to get her back.
Tracy drove to the place where she and Jordan met. She didn't know why, her car just went that way.
She felt silly in an airport, she wasn't going anywhere. She wandered around, looking for nothing. Her eyes saw the screen of what flights were leaving Boston. There was one to Cincinnati. Should she go back? She liked it there, but there was no Jordan, but with the way things were going, she didn't think that was as bad as it sounded.
In the description, there was the pilot's name....Donald Marcus...hehe. Donnie would get a kick out of that. It's like Donnie and Mark! But that's a scary thought, them two in control of a plane together! With that thought of Donnie, his words came back to her. She dug through her purse, she had to make a call.
Jordan decided to just go to bed, there was nothing left to do for today, and he had a hangover that just wouldn't quit.
Tracy found the 35 cents she needed. "Donnie, I have to know one thing."
"No prob, but first, why does my caller ID say 'Boston Airport'?"
"OH JUST TELL ME ONE THING!"
"OK, damn"
"What was it I did for Jordan?"
"Go tell him what he did for you, then you'll know."
As Tracy knocked on the door, she was shaking madly. What if he called her a bitch and never wanted to see her again? What if he expected her to marry him now that she wanted to be with him in any way?
Jordan could hardly move, but he made his way to the door. Maybe some company would do him some good. Oh my God!
"Tracy, what are you doing her? Come on in."
"I, just have to tell you something."
"Go ahead."
"Jordan, you have done so much for me. I would've just fell apart after the divorce, and you didn't push me to rush into anything. And the girls.....they love you. I couldn't stand myself anymore, thought I wasn't worth anything, but when you proudly walk down the street with me, media and all.....I know you are OK with me."
"Oh....Tracy.."
"Well, that's it."
"I have to tell you, too, Tracy, what you do for me."
"So, tell me Jordan, what HAVE I done for you?" It seemed like weeks that they had been standing there. (lol)
"Tracy, after my last breakup, I didn't think I could ever love again, now, since I met you, I know that I have actually never loved before"
"You make days bearable, when things get tough, you don't have to say anything, your face, smile, and the love in your eyes ease my troubles. You are honest, caring, and beautiful, the only thing I can say you gave me is love, but it holds more than I can ever say."
The tears in her eyes wouldn't stop. He tried to hold his back, but he loved her so much there was never a time she would ever cry alone again. Jordan had to do something, he walked over to her, "Tracy, hold on." He swept her off her feet, throwing one arm under her legs, and the other around her back.
As he headed for the door, Tracy was in shock. He had never taken her inside his house!
"Jordan," but he placed his finger over her lips, "Tracy, I was ashamed of my money, I didn't want you to only see me as money, but I know now, you love me."
Jordan's house was beautiful! She saw the massive stairs, and asked him if he had an elevator with a slight giggle. "Yes, I do." Then, with her still in his arms, he headed for the stairs. "Jordan," he then placed his finger over her lips once again.
When Tracy realized his plan, she couldn't help but think this must be the most romantic man on the planet. With every step, to the third story, he kissed her. Not a fake kiss, but with every kiss there was love in his eyes.
When they reached his bedroom, Tracy had to ask, "How in the hell did you ever sleep in my bed?" He only answered in one sentence, "You were there."
Tracy took the bed in all at once, glancing around. It was round, and huge, but it still didn't take up the whole room. There were different shades of red pillows, sheets, blankets, and Tracy noticed, the whole room, was red. She was in heaven.
Jordan tossed her on the bed, in a playful, childlike way. "I hope this isn't the only bouncing this bed will be doing." Tracy was so bold about sex, he loved it.
Jordan, looked at her, and told her, "shhhhh......be quiet, I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life."
Tracy looked into his eyes, she saw something there she was looking for when he proposed. His eyes shone with, pure, unconditional love. "Tracy, I love you."
With those words, he moved close to her face, she could feel his breath on her lips. He stayed there, gazing into her eyes. After a few moments she couldn't take anymore, and she lifted her head to kiss him.
Jordan began shedding Tracy's clothes, the kiss was so deep, he was able to do it without her knowledge.
"Jordan! What about you?"
He held her to the bed. "You just let me take care of everything today, my love."
He walked over to the other side of the room, only to bring out candles, green candles. The confusion in Tracy's eyes. Did he know? "I've looked into the meanings of the colors in one of your books, I hope green is OK."
Tracy thought she must be in heaven. Green, a fertility candle, he was ready for a child with her!
He lit a few candle's, White, Red, and Green. They surrounded the room, then the lights went out. She began to hear the beginning notes of his remake of "Baby I Believe in You". He had made it, and put it on the album just for her. The look in her eyes watching the old concerts told him how much she loved it.
She still couldn't see him, and started to get up, when he said, "No, I'm here."
She turned to see him moving smoothly in the candlelight. He had on black pants, and an open button down white shirt. He moved to the bottom of the bed and began to crawl, making his way to her. He straddled her on his knees, at her hips. He took her hands in his, and she felt something. It was oil, she smelled it, and this made him smile, it smelled of strawberries. He then took her hands and ran them down his chest. When he was glistening, he began moving slightly, allowing her to feel his abs at work.
He moved to remove the shirt, and casually threw it on the floor. His pants were soon there too.
Tracy soon felt his oily hands running up her outer thighs, up her sides, over her stomach, until he had covered every inch of her body. Everywhere he had touched was on fire.
He slid on top of her. Then, inside of her. He moved so smoothly, and slowly, Tracy thought she was going to explode. There was no oral play, no kinky play, nothing, but this was the best sex she ever had. No, she told herself, this was making love.
His eyes never left hers, as he moved in rhythm. He moved down to a passionate kiss, and Tracy thought the kiss was going to be enough to bring her over the edge.
Jordan sensed this, and moved inside her, and stayed there. He kissed her for a moment, and slowly began moving again. Tracy couldn't take it anymore, and the action moved her into the most powerful orgasm she had ever had. Jordan was soon to follow.
He rolled over and pulled her to him in the traditional cuddle. She could hear his heart beat slowing. Just as she was about to check if he was asleep, she heard his heart quicken. OK, things were going to get a little heated again, she thought. But, that wasn't the case. He reached to his nightstand, opened the drawer. Another ring box, another ring. "Tracy, if you say 'no', then I'll never ask until you show me you are ready. I understand if you're not."
"Jordan!" "YES"!!!!