Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich. Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself. Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots? Austin Powers: Shall we shag now or shall we shag later? Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham? Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby! Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool. Scott: It's no hassle-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: But-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: I'm-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: All I'm say-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: There gonna get a-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: I'm-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: I'm just-- Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: Would-- Dr. Evil: Sh! ...Knock-knock. Scott: Who's there? Dr. Evil: Sh! Scott: But-- Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it. Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working. Austin Powers: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man! Vanessa: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you. Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa? [Holding his cat, "Mr. Bigglesworth."] Dr. Evil: When I get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset... people die! Austin: She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride. Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat Vanessa: How can you tell? Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat. [Returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him.] Guard: One Swedish-made penis enlarger. Austin: [to Vanessa] That's not mine. Guard: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers. Austin: I'm telling ya baby that's not mine. Guard: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers. Austin: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. Guard: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby," by Austin Powers. Austin Powers: Only sailors use condoms, baby. Vanessa Kensington: Not in the nineties, Austin. Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy beggars, they go from port to port. Dr. Evil: There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it. Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him? Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. [Dr. Evil has left Austin and Vanessa to their doom.] Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away! Dr. Evil: No, no, no. I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying. I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. ...What? Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins. Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet. Dr. Evil: An evil vet? Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo. Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo? Scott Evil: You always do that! Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me. Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that. Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily like his old man. Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms. [Filling out a form.] Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please! Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself. [Entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club] Austin: This is my happening and it freaks me out! [c.f. _Beyond the Valley of the Dolls_ (qv)] Austin Powers: Judo chop! [Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated.] Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head. Vanessa: No. Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life. Vanessa: No. Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong. Vanessa: Hmm. Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation. Vanessa: Okay, that'll do. Austin Powers: Okay. Vanessa: That's you in a nutshell. Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?" U.N. Repressentative: So, Mr. Evil - Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much. Number Two: Dr. Evil... it's about the sharks. When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some, but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape. Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request, and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now, evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here! Austin Powers: Au contraire baby, you can't resist me. Austin: That's not your mother, it's a man, baby! Austin Powers: That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman! Austin: Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name. Austin: Does that make you HORNY? Austin: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I? Scott: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab! Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly. Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second. Austin: Or sometimes not at all. Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism! Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over! Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh? Basil Exposition: Austin... we won. Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism! Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber. [pause] By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it. Austin Powers: I won't bite... hard. Austin Powers: Hey! There you are! Tourist: Hi... do I know you? Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there! [Not meaning to speak this thought out loud:] Austin Powers: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx. Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967. Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound! Basil Exposition: What's the other? Austin Powers: Excuse me? Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you? Austin Powers: Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands. Austin Powers: No, you're right to be suspicious! I shagged her! Vanessa Kensington: What? Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah! Dr. Evil: Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two. Austin Powers: Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick! Austin Powers: You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby! Austin Powers: It's freedom, baby, yeah! Dr. Evil: There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster. Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two? Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room. Austin Powers: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming. Texan: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show? Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English. Texan: Oh... sorry. ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~