Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
Craig Schwartz: My name is Craig Schwartz and I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
Floris: Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz.
Floris: "My name is Wartz"?
>Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Charlie: Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
Charlie: Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover.
Dr. Lester: She has her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.
John Horatio Malkovich: You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
Craig Schwartz: With all due respect, John, It's MY portal.
John Horatio Malkovich: It's MY HEAD, Schwartz. It's MY head!
Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
Maxine: Are you married?
Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
[During sex]
John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
John Malkovich: No, not really.
Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig Schwartz: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you see what a can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it. There's only one thing to do. Let's get married right away.
Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!
[During a job interview]
Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?
Craig Schwartz: One of those is not a letter, sir?
Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good.
Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead, boy! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.
Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer --
Maxine: Check!
Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
John Horatio Malkovich: Ma-Sheen!
Charlie: Malcatraz!
Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
Maxine: Why not?
Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a ... BarrrRuuu-- BellllLuuuu-- Lllll-- Carolllll-- Taaaa-Sharrr--- SusaaannnEmmmmilllly--- Marr-- laaarr-- Maax...ine--M-M-M--Maxine?
Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?
Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
[Lotte comes home late at night]
Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you?
Lotte Schwartz: Yeah.
Craig Schwartz: And he was with her!
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: We?
Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine: Yes?
Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz: Oh, no.
Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't -- pardon me, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.
Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
Maxine: My tits?
Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.
Maxine: No?
Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.
Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em.
Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.
Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
Craig Schwartz: What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
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