The Big Lebowski

Donny: Your phone's ringing, Dude. The Dude: Thank you, Donny. Walter Sobchak: I'm as Jewish as fucking Tevye. Maude Lebowski: What do you do for recreation? The Dude: Oh, the usual. Bowl, drive around. The occasional acid flashback. The Dude: That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch. [After showing him a clip from the porn movie starring Bunny.] Maude Lebowski: You can imagine where it goes from here. The Dude: He fixes the cable? Maude Lebowski: Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson! Donny: What do you need that for, Dude? The Dude: Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man! Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. The Dude: Yeah, but Walter-- Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon--with nail polish. Walter Sobchak: Saturday, Donny, is shabbas, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit don't fucking roll! Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death-- The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man. Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about? The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic-- Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude! The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-- Walter Sobchak: And you know this! The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced. Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish? The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past. Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax-- YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVING IN THE FUCKING PAST! Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos. Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this? The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer. [Being forced into a limousine.] The Dude: Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here! The Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man. Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism? Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter? Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of. Jesus Quintana: What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man -- ha ha! I was gonna fuck you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby! Walter Sobchak: Fucking dipshit with a nine toed woman. The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man. Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude. The Dude: Yeah. Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old. The Dude: Oh! Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederass. [sic] Donny: What's a... pederass, Walter? Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny. Walter: You're entering a world of pain. The Dude: What's in the fuckin' carrier? Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii. The Dude: You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling? Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude. The Dude: Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself. Nihilist: I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you in the ass, I fuck you, I fuck you, I fuck you, I fuck -- The Dude: Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. Treehorn's Thug: Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. The Dude: My...my wi, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man! Walter Sobchak: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis. Donny: They were Nazis, Dude? Walter Sobchak: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Walter Sobchak: This is what happens when you FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS! Brandt: Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier, once we get instructions for the money. The Dude: Why me, man? Brandt: He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion. The Dude: He thinks the carpet pissers did this? The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides. The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals. The Stranger: I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself. The Dude: Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"? Maude Lebowski: Mmm. The Dude: That was me... and six other guys. Walter Sobchak: He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger-- The Dude: The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose. Walter Sobchak: Near the In-and-Out Burger-- Donny: Those are good burgers, Walter. Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny. Walter Sobchak: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet-- The Dude: I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. Walter Sobchak: Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude. The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn't any connection. The Stranger: Do you have to use so many cuss words? The Dude: What the fuck you talking about? Walter Sobchak: I told that kraut a fuckin' thousand times I don't roll on shabbos! The Dude: Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber. The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women. The Dude: Well, I still jerk off manually. Donny: I am the walrus. Walter Sobchak: This is not Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. Jeffrey Lebowski: Isn't that what makes a man? The Dude: Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles. Jesus Quintana: You ready to be fucked man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up. The Dude: Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man. Jesus Quintana: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click." The Dude: Jesus. Jesus Quintana: You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Bunny Lebowski: I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars. Brandt: Ah ha ha ha ha! Wonderful woman. Very free-spirited. We're all very fond of her. Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred. Brandt: Ah ha ha ha. That's marvelous. The Dude: Uh, I'm, uh just going to find a cash machine... The Dude: Fuck it, man. Let's go bowling. Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski? Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: Uh, is that what this is a picture of? Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: Oh yeah? Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson. Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: Johnson? Maude Lebowski: Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski? Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: 'Scuse me? Maude Lebowski: Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it? Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: I was talking about my rug. Maude Lebowski: You're not interested in sex? Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: You mean coitus? Walter Sobchak: Donny, were you listening to The Dude's story? Donny: What? Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story? Donny: No, I was bowling. Walter Sobchak: So you have no point of reference, Donny. You're like a child that wanders INTO THE MIDDLE OF A MOVIE! Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: What's your point, Walter?! Donny: Yeah, Walter, what's your point? Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski: This could be a lot more uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean it just might, it might not be such a simple, uh, you know? Walter Sobchak: OVER THE LINE! Smokey: Huh? Walter Sobchak: I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul. Smokey: Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude. Walter Sobchak: Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame. Smokey: Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude. Walter Sobchak: Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules. The Dude: Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man? Auto Circus Cop: Yes, probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on. Walter Sobchak: The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary. Donny: Who's in pajamas Walter? Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny. The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured "Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about." The Big Lebowski: Well, aren't you? The Stranger: Darkness warshed over the Dude -- darker'n a black steer's tuchus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom. Walter: Am I wrong? The Dude: No. Walter: Am I wrong? The Dude: Yeah. Walter: Okay then. ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~