CHASING AMY

Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god! Banky Edwards: What's a Nubian? Hooper: Shut the fuck up! Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following? Holden: Yeah. Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? Holden: What is this supposed to prove? Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny? Holden: The man-hating dyke. Banky: Good. Why? Holden: I don't know. Banky: Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination! Banky: All every woman really wants, be it mother, senator, nun, is some serious deep-dickin'. Alyssa: I love you, I always will. Know that. But I'm not your fucking whore. Banky: I feel a hate crime coming on. Holden: So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight? Banky: Mmm, get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High." Holden: You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama. Banky: I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot." Silent Bob: Bitch, what you don't know about me I can just about squeeze in the Grand fucking Canyon. Did you know I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas? [Alyssa on the phone with Holden after she paged him.] Alyssa Jones: One minute and five seconds; you are such my bitch. Alyssa: For you, to fuck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition -- you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes. Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes. Banky: [to Alyssa] Since you like chicks, right, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time? Alyssa: Are you an authorized dealmaker in this establishment? Do you have the power to negotiate? Cashier: You wanna haggle over the price of your French Dip? Jay: So why the long face, Horace? Banky on the rag? Holden: I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble. Jay: Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot. Banky: Archie is NOT fucking Mr. Weatherbee! Jay: Jedi bitch. [On his lovemaking approach] Banky Edwards: Like CNN and the Weather Channel: constant updates. Alyssa Jones: So, you've never been curious about men? Holden McNeil: Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw. Alyssa Jones: Why are we stopping? Holden McNeil: Because I can't take this. Alyssa Jones: Can't take what? Holden McNeil: I love you. Alyssa Jones: You love me? Holden McNeil: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know...I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. Alyssa Jones: You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you--it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. Holden McNeil: Still am. Alyssa Jones: And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference. Holden McNeil: It's not who you love, it's how. Banky Edwards: I just have to get something. [Pulls out a huge stack of porno books] Holden McNeil: Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those? Banky Edwards: Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books. Holden McNeil: You've got like thirty books there! We're only there for two days! Banky Edwards: Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes -- not often, but sometimes -- I like the idea of a chick with a horse. ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~