Clerks

Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement. Randal Graves: Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya, nothing personal. Customer: Cute cat. What's his name? Randal Graves: Annoying customer. Customer: [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead. Jay Phat Buds: What's up, baby? What's up, sluts? Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad. Jay Phat Buds: I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit. Dante Hicks: Call the police! Randal Graves: Why? Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin! Randal Graves: She said she did all the work! Dante Hicks: Will you shut the fuck up! Randal Graves: There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? [After losing a hockey ball from the roof.] Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there? Jay Phat Buds: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry! Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"? Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame. Dante Hicks: And you rented this? Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons. Caitlin Bree: I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics. [repeated line] Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today! Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"? Dante Hicks: "Empire". Randal Graves: Blasphemy! Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets. Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour? Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper? Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off. Dante Hicks: Nudie booth? Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth? Dante Hicks: I guess not. Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks. Dante Hicks: What kinda show? [Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.] Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening. Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now? Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away. Customer: I will never come to this place again! Dante Hicks: I'm sorry? Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired! Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away. Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me. Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag.] I think you can see her kidneys! Low I.Q. Video Customer: Do you have that one with that guy who was in that movie last year? Randal Graves: They never rent anything good either. They always choose the most intellectually devoid stuff on the rack. Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store. Jay Phat Buds: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about? Customer: Hey, man, you got anything? Jay Phat Buds: Yeah, man, what you want? Customer: Are either one of these any good? [Randal ignores her.] Sir? Randal Graves: What? Customer: Are either one of these any good? Randal Graves: I don't watch movies. Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them? Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs. Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these? Randal Graves: Nope. Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two? Randal Graves: Oh, they suck. Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention! Randal Graves: No, I wasn't. Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate... Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. Customer: I beg your pardon? Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me. Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying! Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good. Customer: You hope WHAT feels good? Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here! Randal Graves: You'll be missed. Customer: Screw you! [leaves] Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore! Customer: What do you mean there's no ice! I have to drink this coffee hot? Dante Hicks: You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie... Silent Bob: You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you. Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom." Randal Graves: I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Especially since I rule. Dante Hicks: Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity. Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him! Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him. Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick! Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around. Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys? Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people. Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous! Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood! Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said! Veronica Loughran: Please calm down. Dante Hicks: How many? Veronica Loughran: Dante... Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked? Veronica Loughran: Let it go! Dante Hicks: How many? Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked! Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many? [long pause as customer buys something] Dante Hicks: Well? Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36. Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36? Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice. Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me? Veronica Loughran: Ummm...37. Dante Hicks: I'm 37?! Dante Hicks: My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks! Customer: In a row? Dante Hicks: Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot! Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. Customer: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys, that's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination. Dante Hicks: But you hate people. Randal Graves: Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? Chewlies Gum Rep: Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs. Dante Hicks: What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? [Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter.] Woman with daughter: Excuse me, do you sell videos? Randal Graves: Yeah, what're you looking for? Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Randal Graves: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again? Woman with daughter: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup. Daughter: Happy Scrappy... Woman with Daughter: She loves it. Randal Graves: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh...yeah...Oh, wait, and, what was that called again? Jay Phat Buds: I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight. Sanford: Hey, Dante, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade. Dante Hicks: If you grab a Gatorade, then everyone's gonna grab one. Sanford: So? Dante Hicks: So, who's gonna pay for all these Gatorades? Sanford: What do you care, you shoe polish-smelling motherfucker? Dante Hicks: Hey, I have a responsibility here. I can't have everybody grabbing free drinks. Sanford: Responsibility? What responsibility? You're closing the fucking store to play hockey! Randal Graves: He's blunt, but he's got a point. Dante Hicks: Will you let me maintain some semblance of managerial control here? Sanford: No, all I'm sayin' is that if you're gonna be insubordinate, you might as well go the full nine, not pussy out when it comes to free shit to drink. Randal Graves: He's right, as if we're suddenly gonna have a run on Gatorade. Sanford: Fuckin' A! Dante Hicks: All right! Jesus! You fuckers are pushy! Randal Graves: I could do without the customers in the video store. Dante Hicks: Which ones? Randal Graves: All of them. ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~