Major League

[The Indians are on a plane during a thunderstorm.] Hayes: Vaughn, get the stewardess. I need one of those bags. Vaughn: There aren't any stewardesses. Hayes: Oh! I wonder if they are any pilots. [To Ricky, while he's listening to "Wild Thing" on the jukebox.] Lady: Wild thing, you make my heart sing. Heywood: How's your wife and my kids? Harry Doyle: In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar. Jake Taylor: I'm with the Indians Woman at Party: Here, in Cleveland? I didn't know we still had a team! Jake Taylor: Yeah, we've got uniforms and everything. It's really great. Vaughn: What's that shit on your chest? Harris: [wiping his finger across his chest] Crisco, [wiping it across his waist line] Bardol, [wiping it along his head] Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeņo up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up just [wipes his nose] wipe my nose. Vaughn: You put snot on the ball? Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too. [After sliding into home plate in a tux.] Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it. Jake: That's my wife... Willie Mays Hays: Does she know that? Jake: Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... and what's she doing with that guy? Vaughn: Want me to drag him out of here, kick the shit out of him? Willie Mays Hayes: I'm Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes. Lou Brown: Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like shit. Charlie Donovan: Vaughn's been looking good out there today. Rachel Phelps: Don't worry, he'll blow it. Jake Taylor: [to Rexman] Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head? [Rexman pops the ball straight up] Oh, I don't think it's got the distance. Board Member 1: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime. Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime. Board Member 2: This guy here is dead. Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then. Harry Doyle: That's all one goddamn hit. Assistant: You can't say goddamn on the air. Harry Doyle: Ahh, don't worry, nobody is listening anyway. Harry Doyle: Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant. Harry Doyle: The post-game show is brought to you by... [searches through his papers] Aw, I can't find it. The hell with it! [The Indians General Manager calls minor league coach Lou Brown at Tire World to offer him a position with the Indians] General Manager: How would you like to manage the Indians this year? Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know... General Manager: What do you mean? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues. Lou Brown: Let me get back to you. I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls. [Rookie pitcher Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game] Lou Brown: Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater. Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor. Jake Taylor: I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this shit at least you could've said you were from the Yankees! Pedro Cerrano: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come. Eddie Harris: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff. Jake Taylor: Harris! Pedro Cerrano: Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball. Eddie Harris: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball? ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~