Me, Myself, & Irene

Charlie Baileygates: I'm not here to twist your niblets. Charlie Baileygates: Remember, no bitches after eleven! Charlie Baileygates: What kind of money do you people take? Charlie Baileygates: Do you people take checks? Limo Driver: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man? Charlie Baileygates: No, I mean your company. Limo Driver: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur! Lieutenant Gerke: The guy's nuttier than a squirrel turd! Charlie Baileygates: "Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco? Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me? Charlie Baileygates: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. [grabs microphone] Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. Charlie Baileygates: Now you know the house rules, no bitches after eleven. Charlie Baileygates: Yeah, well while you're at it why don't you go take a steamy piss on those power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets, I'm here to save your life. [When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground.] Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone. Charlie Baileygates: Hey, morning boys. What's all the commotion? Jamaal: Just school shit and shit. [After Charlie has asked him "Do you people take checks?" and he has taken it the wrong way] Limo Driver: Tell you what, I'll make it real easy for you. Why not just pay me in cotton? Or a cart load of watermelons? Or hows about a couple of them buckets of fried chicken? 'Cause you know how we black people, we just love fried chicken. Charlie Baileygates: Hey come on now! Layla: What's going on here? Limo Driver: This cat don't believe a nigger knows how to cash a check. Ain't that bite a bitch? Layla: Charlie, I don't ever wanna hear you use the N-word in this house! Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything even remotely racist! Limo Driver: Oh, so it's the little people thing then? Just because I'm small you think you can push me around? Well come on, my friend, let's boogie. I'm gonna give you a little lesson in "lower center of gravity"! Shonte Jr.: Okay, so I add up the atomic masses of the proton and neutron, I sees that, but what do I do with the goddamn electron? Can I bring it over here? Jamaal: Enrico Fermi would roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean he'd just turn ass up in your face and wouldn't give a fuck. Lee Harvey: Yo, cut my man some slack. Jamaal: Yo man I'm just trying to help him save face, because if he keep asking questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he stupid. Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid. Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg? Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters. Jamaal: No what's that in inches? Lee Harvey: 1.61, what the fuck you gettin' at? Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking. Shonte Jr.: You can't put no chicken egg up his ass, Man, look at him, he a tightass. Jamaal: No, it can be done. Lee Harvey: I'll take that bet. [In a police helicopter on the ground] Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing? Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation. Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass. Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole. Jamaal: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you? Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good. Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit. Irene P. Waters: That's sweet. Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better. Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too. Hank Evans: Do you swallow? [Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station.] Irene P. Waters: What are those for? Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal. Irene P. Waters: What's it called? Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies." Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman. Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime. Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what? Layla: Of course, Charlie. Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me? Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens. [Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver] Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber. Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy." Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy? Gerke: Is my old lady happy? Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy. Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from? Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over. Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman. Guy on Street: Hey, did you hear, Charlie? My son got the lead in that musical. Charlie: Oh yeah? I guess he really does like the cock. Jamaal: Our daddy may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage, but he is a very gentle person! Irene Waters: You think you could get Charlie back out here? Hank Evans: No problem. While I'm at it why don't you climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on those power lines? Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But if I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna need total unitinoniminininininity. ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~