The Muppet Movie

Bernie--the Hollywood Agent: I've to catch a plane. Kermit the Frog: With that tongue? No way. [Kermit has ordered a $.98 bottle of wine for he and Miss Piggy.] Insolent Waiter: Would you like to smell the bottlecap? [Gonzo, holding a bunch of balloons, is lofted into the air.] Kermit the Frog: Gonzo, what are you doing? Gonzo: About seven knots! Statler: I like this film fine so far! Waldorf: It hasn't started yet! Statler: That's what I like about it! Bernie: Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction. Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna? [Fozzie is performing stand-up comedy.] Fozzie Bear: There was this sailor that was _so_ fat - Fat Sailor: How fat was he? [breaks bottle] Fozzie Bear: Uh ... He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all. [Being booed off the stage of the El Sleezo Cafe] Fozzie Bear: I'm a professional! I've had three performances! El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink? Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog. El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink. Kermit the Frog: I don't even know you! El Sleezo Tough: Hey, you botherin' my girl? Kermit the Frog: No sir! El Sleezo Patron: He did so. He touched me. El Sleezo Tough: Uch! Go wash, you'll get warts. Kermit the Frog: No, that's just a myth. El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she's *my* "myth." Kermit the Frog: No, a *myth*, *myth*. "Myth": Yeth? Doc Hopper: We're a small-time operation, but we're expanding, expanding! Just like you frogs expand. Don't you frogs expand? [blows out his cheeks] Kermit the Frog: That's a myth! Doc Hopper: A what? Kermit the Frog: Myth! Myth! "Myth": Yeth? Kermit the Frog: Good grief, it's a running gag. [Fozzie is driving, Kermit is navigating, as they approach a fork in the road.] Kermit the Frog: Bear left! Fozzie Bear: Right, frog! [In their newly painted Studebaker] Fozzie Bear: I don't know how to thank you guys. Kermit the Frog: I don't know why to thank you guys. Rowlf the Dog: Stay away from women, that's my motto. Kermit the Frog: But I can't. Rowlf the Dog: Neither can I: that's my trouble. Rowlf the Dog: [singing] You can't live with 'em, you can't live without 'em. / There's something irrestibilish about 'em. / We grin and bear it because the nights are long. / I hope that something better comes along. Statler: Well, how do you like the film? Waldorf: I've seen detergents that leave a better film than this. [They cackle] Gonzo: [singing] This looks familiar, vaguely familiar, / Almost unreal, yet, it's too soon to feel yet. / Close to my soul, and yet so far away. / I'm going to go back there someday. [After singing "America, The Beautiful"] Fozzie Bear: Patriotism swells in the heart of the American Bear. Zoot: I'm, ah... I'm... Dr. Teeth: Zoot. Sax is your axe. Uh oh, Zoot skipped a groove again. Kermit the Frog: Durn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog? The tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies. Kermit the Frog: Fozzie, where did you learn to drive? Fozzie Bear: Oh, I took a correspondence course. Insolent Waiter: Sparkling Muscatel. One of the finest wines of Idaho. Gonzo: Oh, I tell ya, Camilla, great plumbers are born, not made! I'm the prince of plungers, fair maiden! Fozzie Bear: A bear in his natural habitat. A Studebaker. Lew Lord: Draw up the standard "rich and famous" contract for Kermit the Frog and company. Big Bird: I'm going to New York to try to break into public television! Kermit the Frog: What's happening? Floyd Pepper: At the moment, we're what's happening. Floyd Pepper: We am is are and be they whom as are known as the Electric Mayhem! Dr. Teeth: Golden teeth and golden tones, welcome to my presence! Dr. Teeth: Oh yeah, that's Animal. Show 'em what you do, Animal! Animal: I what do! Eat drums! Rarrrrgh! [eats drums] Dr. Teeth: No! No! Not eat drums! Beat drums! Beat drums! [To catch Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem up on the story so far, Fozzie hands them the screenplay.] Fozzie Bear: It starts here on page, uh, one. Dr. Teeth: "The Muppet Movie," huh? "Exterior swamp, day. In a long helicopter shot, we discover Kermit the Frog playing the banjo and singing..." Kermit the Frog: Life's like a movie / Write your own ending. Gonzo: I'm going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star! Fozzie Bear: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star. You go where we're going: Hollywood! Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the easy way! [Kermit's bike is crushed under a steamroller] Kermit the Frog: That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop I'd be gone with the Schwinn. Floyd Pepper: Hey, what are you dudes doing in here? Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I am so glad you asked. We are perfecting our latest invention: Insta-Grow pills. Floyd Pepper: Yeah, well what in the name of Fats Waller is that? Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: A four-foot prune. Floyd Pepper: A four-foot prune. Fozzie Bear: I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, then, you'll have to get another apartment, won't you? Kermit the Frog: I'm out here with a pig and a chicken and a bear and a dog and a... thing, whatever Gonzo is... Kermit: OK, we've been going along this black line, then we crossed this red line. Fozzie: Why don't we take that blue line? Kermit: We can't take that, that's a river. ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~