Old School
Mitch Martin: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have
true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a
couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a
goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...  Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do? Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat. Woman: What are you doing? Frank: You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll return him tonight, honey. Frank: We're going streaking! Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass. Mitch: I think there's something wrong with this seatbelt! What do you suggest I do. Taxi Cab Driver: I suggest you stop being a fagget. You're in the back seat. Frank: I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit. [calls back] Frank: This is Frank Ricard... Frank: You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Ok. Waiter: Love, it's a mother fucker, huh?" Beanie: We're going to get so much ass here...like boy band ass! Spanish: Damn, I don't wanna end up workin' at Red Lobster! Frat Brother: You already work at Red Lobster. Spanish: Yea, well its part time...dick. Beanie: Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man. Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife. Beanie: [to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. You're sweet. [wink] Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here. Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling.....what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not? Mitch: At this point, you might be asking yourself, 'why am I holding this 30lb. Cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, 'why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis? Andy Dick: He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But thats neither here nor there. Andy Dick: You know, when I get back there, I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis. Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time. College Student: A big day? Doing what? Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time. Andy Dick: Mind the stepchildren. Mitch: ...all of these fucking people! Beanie: Whoa! Whoa! Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch." Frank: Cock. Balls. [Two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly] Frank: Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue? Blue: Just ring the fucking bell, you pansy. Frank: You're my boy, Blue! Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever. Frank: I see Blue, He look's glorious! [after learning he's going to be expelled] Weensie: Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me. Mitch: C'mon, she's not gonna kill you. Weensie: Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you!" She showed me the knife! Mitch: Please be honest with me and tell me this is the first time. Heidi: Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time? Man at door: Hello. Mitch: Yeah? Man at door: I'm here for the gangbang... Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a fucking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage. Frank: A little housewarming, to new beginnings. [Frank gives Mitch a breadmaker] Mitch: Uh, actually, I gave this to you for your wedding. Frank: This model? Mitch: No, this exact one. Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg! Peppers: She's a beauty, ain't she? Frank: Yeah, what kind of gun is this? Peppers: It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these fuckers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right? [yank's on the mule's reigns] Peppers: What? That's what I thought. Shut up. [Frank cocks the gun] Peppers: Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico. Frank: Cool. Peppers: Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from... [Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart] Peppers: YES!!! That's awesome! Frank: What? Peppers: You just took one in the jugular, man! Marissa: Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday. Frank: My birthday? What do you mean? Marissa: Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank? Frank: Damn it. I'm such an idiot. Mitch: All I want to do is get some fucking sleep. Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years. Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers. Marissa: That's really, loud. Frank: Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon some juice. But it ain't exactly street legal so keep it on the down low. Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday? Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing? Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot. Beanie: Put your head back on. Its very traumatic for the kids. Spanish: I'm sorry, sir. Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. Shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that. Frank: So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding? Andy Dick: Oh that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely ejaculates in your face. It stings. And that's now why I have a lazy eye. Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello! What are you retarded? Jerry: That was great. Frank: What happened? I blacked out. Dean: Listen, Wang. Sara: It's Chang. Dean: Whatever. Frank: That's how you debate! Frank: Do it again! Do it again! It tastes so good when it hits your lips. Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation. Mitch: What situation? Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness. Frank: I just got to run it by Marissa. I'm messing with you guys. Beanie: Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset. Marissa: Just as long as you promise to take it easy. Frank: What do you mean? Marissa: You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we? Frank: Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise. Beanie: What are you gonna get arrested for? Being awesome? Beanie: He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed. Beanie: Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away! Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you. Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that. Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.  |
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