Welcome To Jerry Springer 2000--When Pop Stars are Exposed. I am your host Jerry Springer, and would like to introduce our first guests, the members of the teen pop sensation...*N Sync. *Wild Applause*
*The boys walk out onstage. They all look a little worn out and tired, but at the same time, happy to finally be able to tell their secrets to the public*
Jerry: So boys...how have you been?
*All the guys nod their heads and say good, great, etc.*
Jerry: So...let's get down to business...Chris...what is your secret?
Chris: Well Jerry, I know that it may be hard to believe, but I actually am the youngest of the group.
*Audience gasps in horror*
Chris: I know, it's shocking. Actually, when you all thought that I was 27, it was because Lou told me that I had to pose as the oldest one in the group. See, he wanted us to compete with the BSB (kinda like best man wins sorta thing), so of course he needed a baby faced blonde (well...sorta blonde) to compete with Nick Carter as the favorite young one. And frankly...as you can all see, I just didn't cut it. So...although Justin was really the oldest one in the group...I was made out to be. Therefore not having as many favorites as that little twerp. I mean seriously people, I can't believe that you really bought all that "I was only 15 when I made the Tearin' Up My Heart video" thing. How many friggin 15 year olds do you know that have no acne and look that toned in a wifebeater? That's what I thought. So I should have been the favorite! ME!! Not that bleached blonde, baby faced, Nick Carter wannabe. Good god!
Jerry: Um...ok...so tell us how you really feel. Enough of that...onto JC...anything you would like to share with us?
JC: *Looking down at his arms* Jerry, although I told the American public that I was deathly afraid of needles...it's not so. I...I...I was addicted to heroin and shot up constantly. My veiny arms were just perfect to shoot up...I had no problem finding a good vein. The scared of needle story was just a cover up. I have been a tweaker since after my MMC days. When Chase asthmatically raped me backstage one night, I was a different person from then on. I was so depressed by the whole situation that I turned to drugs. *Breaks down in tears and hangs his head in shame*
Jerry: Ohhh, I am sorry kid...please don't cry. But we only have an hour show here, so moving right along...Justin...spill it.
Justin: Looks shocked...still staring at JC with an open mouth...he truthfully can't believe that Chase also asthmatically raped JC...Justin thought he was the only one.* Um...oh yeah. Sorry about that, I was thinking. Can you repeat the question?
Jerry: *Looking annoyed* I said...Justin...SPILL IT! We only have an hour show here.
Justin: Oh, yeah...ok...well, besides me actually being the oldest in the band, I have several stories for ya'll. First off, I was only best friends with Chris because him posing as the oldest one, could buy me the beer that I turned to after being attacked by Chase. You see, Lou changed everything so that no one would be able to find out that I truly was the oldest member of the band. He did the same for Chris...so of course, Chris could buy alcoholic beverages. Those beverages have been like my life line since that whole Chase episode. (He's a little hung up on the Chase thing...I think he is drunk...Lol.) Also, I am a ghetto superstar. Meaning that I strip in the ghetto. Yeah, that is how I got to talking in ebonics occasionally...so sue me. One other thing...the M Class is a booty magnet. I got more action in the back of that Benz. Hell, I was like the village bicycle...everyone got a ride. If you knowwhatimsayin. I was gettin' jiggy baby!
Jerry: Ok, ok...that is quite enough. I don't think I WANT to know anymore. Ok?? Lance...you're up..
Lance: Well Jerry...I used to be a body double for Ellen DeGeneres. We looked so much alike, and she begged me to do it. I just had to! Also, this large adam's apple is really a prosthesis. I had it installed so I could look more manly...do you think it's working? My real goal in life is to ditch the troll Topanga and become the next RuPaul. Don't you think that would be fabulous?
Jerry: Actually...no I think it would be scary. Joey...save us...what's your story?
Joey: Well Jerry...although my secrets aren't as juicy as the other guys', you might find it interesting.
Jerry: Go on...
Joey: Well, ok, I like to get laid!! I LIVE to get LAID!! Lou told me that I could never ever say that, but now that he is dead from such high cholesterol, I can shout it from the rooftops! I LOVE WOMEN! I WANNA BE A PIMP!! I LOVE SEX!!!
Jerry: That is quite enough...I think we get your point. You are a nympho...shock me again, I couldn't tell at all.
Joey: Looks shocked* Really??
Jerry: No you dumbass! I could totally tell like from a thousand miles away.
Joey: Oh..
Jerry: Speaking of sex...here is something you all would be interested in seeing! Roll the footage!
*The house lights dim, and some home video footage shows up on the large tv screen behind the guys*
Setting: A small press conference room. Joey, JC, Lance, Chris and Justin sit around it, talking in hush tones. (Luckily, we got the whole thing on film and for your viewing pleasure: The making Of Giddy Up, the unseen footage!)
JOEY: What we gonna do now?
JC: We need a 13th song!
LANCE: *looking in a mini mirror* Why, JC?
JC:*frustrated tone* Don't you see? If we have only 12, the BSB will say we copied them again! Remember that talk with Lou the other day?
CHRIS: God, don't remind me. That guy really needs to shut up, all his yelling was sooo uncalled for.
JOEY: So what's the song gonna be about?
JUSTIN: How bout my Bizzy Benz? Ya'll know all the fly chicas will love it since I be macking in it all da time.
LANCE: Poor Justin....
JUSTIN: Shut up, woman!!
LANCE: I am not a woman!!! Owww....Justin, you made me break a nail!
CHRIS: Oh geez......heaven help me!
JOEY: Let's hurry it, I got some sweet honey waiting in the tour bus
JC and JUSTIN: Not again! You've made out more welfare checks than The GodFather!
JOEY: Oh please, spare me.
JC: Look, let's just write this and get it over with.
CHRIS: What are we gonna write about?
JC: How bout something we can all relate to?
JOEY: Food?
JUSTIN: No way, mack
JOEY: I got it! SEX!!!
CHRIS: Wait a second......hey!
JC: Good enough!!!
Footage stops
*The lights come back on and all the guys are sitting there looking pissed.*
JC: Where exactly did you get that Jerry?
Joey: Actually...remember that one time when I said I left the video camera on? Whoops...I guess it got out!
**Chris jumps out of his chair, braids flying. He gives Joey the ole WWF elbow in the head...and almost knocks JC out with a flying dred. Lance (who is sitting next to Joey) huddles in his chair, trying not to smear his eyeliner. JC straddles Joey when he attempts to get up after being practically killed by Chris' evil elbow. Justin, not to be outdone, grabs a chair. He swings it at Joey, but because Justin's large fro makes him a tad off balance at times, he misses completely and takes out Lance. The bodyguards are going crazy! The Springer show is a madhouse!!
They cut away from the fight scene and go to the final thought..
Jerry: If you are in a boyband, please don't lie to your fans. You will only end up looking pathetic on this show...so spare yourself the humilation, and just be HONEST with your fans. Trust me.