A COLLECTION OF FUN THINGS RECEIVED IN EMAILS. SO FAR AS I KNOW, NONE IS COPYRIGHTED, BUT IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANYTHING THAT IS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW SO THAT I MAY EITHER GET PERMISSION TO USE IT OR REMOVE IT FROM THE PAGE.
ALL MEANT IN GOOD HUMOR. PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE.

You are 100% Texan if...


1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.

3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

4. You've ever been excused from school because "the cows got out."

5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.

6. You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration, and he didn't mean farm animals.

7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.

8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than you can remember your mother's birthday.

9. You think that people who complain about the hurricanes in their states are sissies.

10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.

11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other one go first.

13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.

14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

16. A Jaguar is not a status symbol. A Ford F350
4x4 is.

17. You know that everything goes better with Ranch or Tabasco.

18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

20. You are 100% Texan if you have ever had this conversation :
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."

Green Side Up!

A painting contractor was speaking to a
woman about a job. She said she wanted the
first room a pale blue. He wrote it down,
went to the window opened it and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP."

They walked into the second room and she
said she wanted it a soft yellow color.
He wrote that down, went to the window
opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP."

The woman was curious but didn't say anything.
They walked into the third room and she
said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter
wrote that down and went to the window and
opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."

Finally the woman asked, "Why do you keep yelling
that out the window?"

"I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a
crew of Aggies planting grass across the street.

1.5 lbs. ground round (or Hamburger)
1 large white onion (chopped)
2 15-16 oz. can kidney beans (don't drain)
1 14-15 oz. can whole kernel corn (don't drain)
1 8 oz. can Mexican stewed tomatoes or 8 oz. salsa
1 8 oz. can tomato sauce
1 1.25 oz.pkg. taco seasoning (we use Old El Paso brand)

Texas In The Whitehouse

The White House is not just getting a new team, but a whole new language.
George W. Bush will be bringing with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange.

Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful statements they might encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not overly-intelligent
2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory)
3. Tighter than bark on a tree = Not very generous
4. Big hat, no cattle = All talk and no action
5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not
been formally introduced
6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He has a pretty high opinion of
himself.
7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth = That woman can talk
8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We really could use a little rain around
here.
9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be
deceptive.
10. This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around awhile.
11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = Not the most
handsome of men
12. They ate supper before they said grace = Living in sin
13. Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as
you're told.
14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = Rather prone to boasting
15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits =
You can say whatever you want about something,
but that doesn't change what it is.

"A TEXAN in Heaven"

A Texan died and ascended in to Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying you will certainly enjoy Paradise.
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St.
Peter.
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".
At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door open, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"
The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. "No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old Texan (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle". So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked the old man what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."

Texas Wisdom

1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot .

Only in Texas......

A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat.
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM TEXAS WHEN ...

You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ
Sauce and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans
and Cowboy Boots.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90
degrees outside.

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are
filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads
to go "mudding."

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel night
gown with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines
on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local
sports.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr- Busters
and fries.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat
processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the
coyotes won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage
making.

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer,
and Deer Season.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all
your Texan and Yankee friends.

You Know Your In Houston When...

You're on your way to work one FEBRUARY morning and
suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a
chuck wagon and fifty horses - with riders - and you
look around to see that everybody in the trucks
around you is wearing a cowboy hat.

The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.

If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping,
you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger
Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or soon, an HEB Central
Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress
up, and your dog and cat are out of luck if you go to
the latter -nothing as mundane as pet food there.)

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January,
two days after a low of 29 degrees.

You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware
drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell
Chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You
closed the drawer, bought new flatware - and stored
it in the oven.

Or your friend has a Roach Story - about a dive
bomber who crashed her formal dinner party, made several
passes at guests whose heads were bobbing like little
dogs in car windows, and finally landed in somebody's
soup.

When you see your neighbor dancing around the front
yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing
House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a
fire ant bed.

The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum
Phillips" doesn't mean bad screwdriver.

"Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did
run the Oilers out of town.

You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth
Wonder of the World.

You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at
noon to find that a "blue-tailed northern" has blown
through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in
a matter of minutes.

Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like
a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete
with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy
hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt
Earp.

You wander into a section of town where you can't
read the street signs because they're written in Asian
characters instead of English, but you don't care
because you can get great prices on fake designer
merchandise there.

You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're
almost run down by two handholding cross dressers on
roller blades.

You hear everything but English spoken when you go to
the Galleria to window shop. (You can't afford to buy
because the prices are jacked up for all the foreign
tourists.)

You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with
your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.

You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're
referring to more than one person.

For a Chili Cook off, you'll use anything from
armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only
GOOD chili is made with chopped - not ground- beef,
and it has NO beans and NO tomatoes.

Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and
1960 is not the year.

Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big
hair and faces that have gone east, west, and
north rather than south.

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an
hour later you still haven't left the city limits.
(During rush hour, you haven't left your
NEIGHBORHOOD.)

You've never seen I-45 and I-10 in any condition
other than under construction - and you've lived here for
more than 30 years. When highway construction is
finally complete, the new highway has the capability
to grow potholes in random locations without rain nor
abuse.

You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with
automobile transmissions.

"The Dream" is not a fantasy.

The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.

A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has
actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid
any attention to it.

You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac"
has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.

You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a
football team, but you'd rather they keep the title
of "Smog Capital."

You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something
former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour
toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names,
allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries,
seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice
machine, and screams, "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler,
iiiii-witness news" into a television camera every night.
But some folks are still upset with him for shutting down
the Chicken Ranch.

If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a GOOD hair
day.

Ya'llbonics

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My
brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage
"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh
bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them
bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my
brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't
change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine
from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek
don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are
willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd
he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't
breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from
that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my
brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?"
"Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is his laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed
NewYork City... view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys
shore is

Texas Cowboy Insurance

A Texas cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a rattlesnake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

A Texas MexicanAmerican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery.
With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in west Texas and he hires an architect.
"I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue."
The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the man wants,"I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!"
All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer.
The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many MexicanAmericans, he continues to search high and low , month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue.
Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the man to see his new home.
"Si Senor!" exclaims the man. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the man notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the man, as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled.
"Senor? Where is my halo statue?" he asks.
"Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame.
"What? You don't know what a halo statue is?"
"No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect.
"You know," says the man, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, 'halo? statue?"

A cowboy rode into strange town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse??"

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna have to do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go: what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN...

You notice your radiator is overheating, before you start your car.
You no longer associate bridges over rivers with water.
The thermometer in the lid of your Bar-B-Que Grill shows 150 degrees F, before you light it.
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
You hear the weather forecast for 105 degrees without flinching.
You discover, in July it only takes two fingers to drive your car, because your steering wheel is so hot.
You can make instant sun tea or sun tea instantly.
You run the house a/c in the middle of winter, so you can use your fireplace.
The best parking is determined by shade ..... not distance.
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round, it is always kept right at the checkout counter.
Sunscreen with less than 50 SPF is called 'hand cream.'
You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mail box.
Some fools market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
Worse... a lot of fools actually try to jog!!
When hot air balloons can't rise because the outside air is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
When fabric is considered the deluxe interior, rather than stick-to-your-seat leather.
You see two trees fighting over a dog.

[ON TO PAGE TWO]

MUSIC: EL RANCHO GRANDE

COURTESY OFCOWBOY MIDI FILES

[PAGE CREATED USING INTERNET EXPLORER, VERSION 5.0 - CIPHER STRENGTH: 128 BIT]
[BEST VIEWED WITH SCREEN RESOLUTION OF 640x480 - TRUE COLOR- 24 BIT]