DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

Adult Jokes
WARNING: Some Jokes May Be Offensive Or Rude

Q. Whats the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
A. About 4 inches.

Q. What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
A. Mobile phones are for assholes.

A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a really good looking bell boy. The father caught the three girls looking at him and he threatened to kill the bell boy if he did anything at all with them. So the bell boy minded his own business and ignored the girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said "If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

Q. What have a KFC and a women got in common?
A. Once you finished with the legs and breasts you are just left with a greasy box to chuck your bone in.

Q. How do you recycle a used tampon?
A. As a tea-bag for vampires.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals- unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

Q. What do you call a bull that masturbates?
A. Beef Stroginoff.

Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear.He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"

Q. Whats the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A. One's a dollar, ninty-nine and the other's under a Buck

Q. Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pittbull?
A. Lipstick

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the"statue".
Later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Q. Which is the odd one out?
1. Chick Pea
2. Green Bean
3. Soy Bean
4. Vibrator
A. Green Bean, all the others are meat substitutes...

Q. What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!

A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo'self a wife."
So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.
"You crazy boy!!" he yelled, "That Elli-Mae's a fine young gal!"
"I know Paw," the boy replied, "but her arm gits tired sometimes!"

Q. What do you get if you cross an Apple with a Nun?
A. A computer that will never go down on you!

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

A woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. After a few drinks they go back to his hotel room. Dennis begins to undress, removing his shirt to reveal a "Reebok" tattoo. He explains, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." Next he takes off his pants to reveal the word "Puma" tattooed on his leg, and he gives the same explanation.
Finally, the underwear comes off and the girl sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!"
Dennis says, "Relax, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS."

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?
A. In case you miss.

Q. Whats the difference between Like and Love?
A. Spit and Swallow.

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Q. How do you know that a female bartender is pissed off with you?
A. There's a string hanging out of your bloody Mary.

Q. Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

One rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Union Station," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the heck are you looking at, driver?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Q. What do you call a sad day?
A. When a nymphomaniac says"Let's just be friends"

Q. What is the definition of pure agony?
A. Fucking a meat mincer!

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"

Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A. Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A. He was half nuts!!!

Q. But do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period

There was a deaf couple who decided they needed a way to let each other know when they wanted to have sex. They couldn't use sign language because it was too dark in their bedroom. The deaf women signs to her husband and says, when you want to have sex, just grab my right boob once, when you don't want to have sex, grab my right boob twice. The deaf man agrees and signs back to her and says, when you want to have sex with me, pull on my penis once, when you don't want to have sex with me, pull on my penis 50 times.

Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.

Q. Whats the difference between men and jelly beans?
A. Jelly beans come in different colors.

One day a farmer was sitting on his porch and he saw a small boy walking down the road with some duck tape. The farmer asked the boy what he was doing and the boy told him that he was going to catch some ducks. The farmer said you cant catch ducks with duck tape. However, and hour later the boy walked back up the road with a bunch of ducks in the ducktape.
The next day the boy had some chicken wire and said he was going to catch chickens. The farmer said you cant catch chickens with chicken wire but an hour later the boy walked back with chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day the farmer saw the boy again, this time carrying some flowers. The farmer asked the boy what kind of flowers they were. He replied pussywillows. The farmer said wait up ill just get my hat.

Q. What's the difference between a bonus and a penis?
A. A woman will still blow a bonus after she gets married

Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?
A. When your spanking hand falls asleep

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.
Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
And we know what that meant.
One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit, except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences!"

Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. What is organic dental floss?
A. Pubic hair

One day a Jimmy and his dad are out for a walk in the park. Jimmy sees a dead bird with its legs up in the air and says, "daddy why is the birds legs sticking up in the air like that?"
Not knowing how to explain death he says to 2 year old Jimmy, " well that is how we know the bird is ready go to heaven. God is coming to take the bird away."
Little Jimmy says, "So then Mr. Reamer is a Hero then...!?"
With a peculiar look on his face he asks, "Mr. Reamer a hero...? what do you mean Jimmy!?"
Jimmy begins to explain, "Last week when you were at work. I saw mommy and Mr. Reamer in the bedroom... Mommy was on her back with her feet in the air screaming 'OH GOD I'M CUMMING, I'M CUMMING', and Mr. Reamer was on top jumping up and down screaming 'NOT YET, NOT YET!!'"

Q. What's 69 and 69?
A. Dinner for four.

Q. What are the three greatest lies?
A. (a) I will pull out
(b) small is beatiful
(c) I won't come in your mouth

A pastor named John Fuzz was walking through town when he walked by a bar and spotted a woman who was a member of his congregation drinking in the bar. He walked into the bar and said "You shouldn't be drinking. It isn't right. The woman replied, "You're right." The pastor then offered to take her home. The woman was so drunk when she began to stand up she lost her balance and grabbed onto the pastor and both fell on the floor. The pastor was struggling to get her back up when her skirt went up above her waist. Just then the bartender walked by and said "Hey, we don't allow that kind of behavior in here. You are going to have to leave." The pastor replied, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender then said "Well, ok. If you're that far along, go ahead."

Q. Why don't chickens wear underwear?
A. Because their peckers are on their faces.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. They have shaky hands!

The captain in the foreign legion is sent to a remote fort as commandant.
After several months he approaches his lieutenant and asks,"What do the men do when they need some relief?"
The lieutenant says,"Well we do have the camel tied up behind the barracks."
Several more months go by and the captain finally decides to give it a go so he grabs a barrel and gets up behind the camel and starts to fuck it. Suddenly he looks over and sees the lieutenant and several of the men doubled over laughing their heads off.
Annoyed he looks at the lieutenant and says, "Well, isn't this how the men use the camel?"
The lieutenant says,"Actually, they usually use it to ride to the town over the next hill."

Q. What do gay men call used condoms?
A. Doggie bags!

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A. When you open her legs the lights go on

A man and a woman are on a plane next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Q. Whats worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. Did you hear about the nympho at the hotel pool?
A. She was barred from the area after the lifeguard saw her go down for the third time.

The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion.
The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Q. Whats worse than lobsters on your piano?
A. Crabs on your organ.

Q. What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both squirm when you eat them.

Q. When does a cub become a boy scout?
A. When he eats his first Brownie.

Q. What do elephants use as tampons?
A. Sheep

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes

Q. What's better than a rose on your piano?
A. Two lips on your organ

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?
A. Because he got his dick stuck in the chicken?

Q. Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
A. (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks funny

Q. What's green and eats nuts
A. Herpes

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year! Q. What does Old Milwaukee and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
A. They are both fucking close to water!

Q. What kind of bees give milk?
A. Boo bees.

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the first symptom of aids?
A. A heavy pounding in the rectum.

Q. What is the new gay website address?
A. c : enter (see colon enter).

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. The balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. Hear about the bargain-hunter who got his vasectomy at Sears?
A. Everytime he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Q. What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
A. Chewing gum.

Q. What's six inches long that women love?
A. Folding money.

Q. Why do women like to play Pac-man?
A. Because they can get eaten three minutes for a quarter.

Q. Why is life like a penis?
A. Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed.

Q. What is the definition of wicker box?
A. It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo machine.

Q. What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A. A chin rest.

Q. How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A. Short, sweet, and to the point!

Q. What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. What is Rodeo Sex?
A. Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it too."You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A. Come in eight flavors.

Q. What was the first obscenity ever heard on TV?
A. "Ward, weren't you a little the Beaver last night?"

Q. Do you know why it's called sex?
A. Because it's easier to spell than... "Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!"

Q. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A. Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A. Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)

Q. What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A. A tea bag.

Q. If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A. 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.