DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE
More Adult Jokes...
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snowblower coming.
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks, "Do you do custom work?"
"Why of course!" was the reply.
"Good. I'd like a portrait of Bobby Orr on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Gordie Howe on the inside of my left thigh."
"No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table."
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.
"That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly.
"Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find.
"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"
The guy studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Lanny MacDonald!"
Q. What's the difference between a 69 and being mugged?
A. With a 69 at least you see the cunt creeping up on you.
Q. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A. A pussy is soft , warm and delightful and it's owned by a cunt.
It is early Saturday morning, and Mother Superior of Saint Mary Margaret Convent in County Clare hears a knocking at the door. She opens it, looks around and there is no one there. She is about to shut the door when a tiny voice says, "Down here, Mother Superior". She looks down and there are two of the little people in their bright kelly green outfits, red beards and little hats with a clover in each. One is really drunk out of his skull and the other is not much better off. He tips his hat and says, "Top o'the mornin to ye, Mother Superior. Me guid friend Liam here would like to be knowin' if ye have any leprechaun nuns in the convent"? "No, we don't have any little people in our convent", she replies. Liam grunts a few words in Pat's ear, to which he then says to Mother Superior, "Well, are there any leprechaun nuns in the local parish"? Again she replies, "No, there are no leprechaun nuns in the parish". Liam again grunts something in Pat's ear. "Well, can ye be tellin' me, Mother Superior, does the Cathlic Church have any leprechaun nuns at all?" "No", she replies. "The church doesn't accept little people into any religious order". Pat turns to Liam and says, "D'ye see now Liam? That was a penguin ye fucked in the bar last night".
Q. What's a clitoris?
A. A female hood ornament
Q. Why did "god" give women nipples?
A. To make suckers out of men...
Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name
on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"
Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Q. Why are men thinkers and women talkers?
A. Because men have two heads and women have four lips!
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 10 years the job still sucks.
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs, finds a door open goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.
The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door.
The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that".
The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
Q. What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
A. At least when you're eating pussy, you can see the asshole in front of you.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
A guy was driving down the road in his car. A prostitute walks out in front of him. He smacks her with the bumper of his car and knocks her down. He immediately stops the car, jumps out and runs to the lady lying on her back on the road. She is groaning in pain. She mumbles, "I think I'm blind, I think I'm blind."
Quickly the guy holds three of his fingers up in front of her and says, "How many fingers do I have up?"
"Oh my God," she says. "I'm not paralyzed too, am I?"
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What do you call a female peacock?
A. A peacunt
A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them. Fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I?"
She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Q. How is a dick like fishing?
A. Throw back the small ones, eat the medium ones and mount the large ones.
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife
crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
She replies with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"
Q. What do you get when you cross a girl with braces with a power tool?
A. A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
A woman goes into a shoe store in a short skirt and starts to try on different pairs of shoes with the help of a clerk. It is immediately obvious to the clerk, as he is kneeling in front of her, that she is not wearing any underwear. As he continues to help the woman, he becomes increasingly excited and uncomfortable. Finally, unable to control himself any longer, he lifts the front of her skirt and tells her, "Lady, if you were to fill that thing with ice cream, I'd eat it all out!"
The woman becomes furious, slaps the clerk on the face, and runs out. She immediately drives home and tells her husband about the incident and asks him, "What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing", comes the reply.
"Why not?", she asks
"Three reasons", he says,
You have enough pairs of goddamn shoes already, and you don't need to be
wasting my money;
You should wearing some goddamn underwear when you leave the house;
There's no way in hell that I'm going to mess around with someone who can
eat THAT MUCH ice cream!
Q. What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with 'c', ends with 't', and has a 'u' and an 'n' in the middle?
A. A coconut.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."
"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers go away.
Two buddies were sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy who was sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He`s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car,... yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He`s not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows!"
A Frenchman, an Italian and a Canadian were discussing love-making.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times", the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once." he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.
"And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it -- we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
Q. Why is a joke like a pussy/dick?
A. Neither is any fun if you don't get it.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."
He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. Why do women have periods?
A. They deserve them.
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q. Why do hurricanes and women have in common?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinochle's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. What's the difference between a micro-wave and a homosexual?
A. A micro-wave doesn't brown your meat.
Q. How do you keep a hard-on?
A. Don't f**k with it.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. How can you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS?
A. Beats the hell out of me!
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!
Q. What did the tampon say to the other tampon?
A. Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts!
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. From the time you cum, 'till the time she goes home
Q. Why did the woman dump her Jewish Husband after seeing the South Park film?
A. She preferrred it bigger, longer and uncut!
Q. Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
A. It improves hand to eye coordination.
Adult Jokes....(Mature Readers Only)
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All jokes on this site have either been emailed to me or found on the net or have knowledge of them through my years. If for any reason there is a copyright on any joke please notify me and it will be removed immediately
