DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

Q. What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?
A. A slow poke!

Q. What's the difference between a pay cheque and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your pay cheque.

Two whales were swimming along looking for fish to eat, when they noticed a large fishing boat catching all their food.
The male whale said to his partner: "I've got a plan! Let's swim under the boat and blow our spouts as hard as we can. When the boat capsizes, we'll eat everything and everyone that falls into the water."
The female whale weighed up the situation, then shook her head "I don't mind the blow job," she said, but I draw the line at swallowing seamen!"

Hawthorne buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Hawthorne grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, "I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like This!"

Q. Did you hear about the gay man that put a nicotine patch on his dick?
A. He`s down to to butts a day.

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have astorming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".
Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"HURT!", Paddy replies "He broke three of my fingers!."

Q. What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A. Miracle Whip.

Q. What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
A. Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies. They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE, LADIES!

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
A. Marriage.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"
One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes silence.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q. What's the difference between Hard and Light?
A. You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q. What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.

Q. Why is it easy to filet a fly?
A. Because all you have to do is unzip it and the bone pops right out.

Q. Why do women fart after they take a piss?
A. They can't shake it, so they blow it dry.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people have a chance to have sex.

Q. What's green, has 4 legs, and smells like a woman's butt?
A. The pool table in the White House

Q. What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

Q. Why are new girlfriends like a fresh roll of toilet paper?
A. Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off anytime!

Q. How many men does it take to clean a toilet?
A. None, that's women's work!

Q. What did the vampire say to his female teacher?
A. See you next period.

Q. What's green, slimy, and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermit's Finger

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.

Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute...
A. Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch

Q. What two people were shot in a theater?
A. Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

Q. How does James Bond like his pussy?
A. Shaven, not furred.

Q. What's the definition of skyjacking?
A. A hand job at 32,000 feet.

Q. What's the difference between a woman's track team and a band of pygmies?
A. The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

Q. What is the definition of a tough competitor?
A. In a masturbation contest, he finishes first, third, and ninth.

Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker, she can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q. What's the logo for the new Polish tampon?
A. "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!"

Q. What is the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute?
A. One uses vaseline, the other uses polygrip.

Q. How many animals can fit into one pair of pantyhose?
A. 10 little piggys, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and a fish that no one can find!