DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds
2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
5. You can open all your own jars
6. Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
7. When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
9. You can go to the bathroom alone
10. Your last name stays put
11. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
12. You can kill your own food
13. The garage is all yours
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
15. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
16. Cleaning the toilet is optional
17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
18. Wedding plans take care of themselves
19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
21. None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry
22. You don't have to shave below your neck
23. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
24. If you're 34 and single, no one notices
25. Chocolate is just another snack
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
27. Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
28. You never have to worry about other's feelings
29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think
31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day (women now can in Ontario)
32. Car mechanics tell you the truth
33. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
35. One mood, all the time
36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
37. Gray hair and wrinkles add character
38. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
39. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
40. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
41. The remote is yours and yours alone
42. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
43. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
44. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
45. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
46. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
47. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
48. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
49. If you retain water, it is in a canteen
50. It is easier to empty your blatter behind a tree or car aor in an alley