DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

Blonde Jokes

Q. How do you get four blondes to sit on a chair at once?
A. Turn the chair over.

Q. What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
A. Drool

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a skirt and the phone rang ~ but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

Q. What's a Blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Hump-Me, Dump-Me!

A blonde went to her mail box several times way before it was time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
"No," she replied, "My computer keeps telling me I have mail."

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and your toothbrush?
A. You don't let a friend borrow your toothbrush

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."

Q. What are two things in the air that can make a Blonde pregnant?
A. Her feet

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Q. What does a blonde mother say her to her blonde daughter
A. If your not in bed by 12 come home

There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Q. What do you call a dead Blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide'n go seek Champion

Three women all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they`d be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Q. What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
A. Introduces herself

A blonde a brunette and a redhead were all in at the doctors office at the same time and were all pregnant.The redhead said she would have a girl because she was on the bottom and the brunette said she was having a boy because she was on top. The blonde started crying and when asked what was wrong she said "I'm gonna have puppies"

Q. What's the difference between a refridgerator and a blonde
A. A refridgerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I`m the most beautiful woman in the world." *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I think I`m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think..." *POOF*

Q. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a Volkswagen?
A. Farfromthinkin

Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts

Q. How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q. What is the mating call of a blonde?
A. "I'm sooooo drunk!"

Q. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A. Your last blow job....ever!

Q. Why are a blonde and turtle alike?
A. Because once they're on their back they're both fucked.

Q. How do blonde braincells die ?
A. Alone.

Q. How do you brainwash a blonde?
A. Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q. How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1. Blow in her ear.
A2. Buy her another beer.

Q. How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A. Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q. How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A. Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q. How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A. Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q. How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.

Q. How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A. Come.

Q. How does a blonde kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. When a blonde is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A. By the ears.

Q. How do you know a blond likes you?
A. She screws you two nights in a row.

Q. How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A. Her crayons are still sticky.

Q. How does a blonde moonwalk?
A. She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q. Why is a blonde like Australia?
A. They're both down under, and no one cares.

Q. Why does a blonde like the number 77?
A. She likes to be 8 (ate) more.

Q. Why don't blondes like anal sex?
A. They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Q. Why can't blondes water ski?
A. When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q. Why are blondes like pianos?
A. When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q. Why are blondes easy to get into bed?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why can't blondes count to 70?
A. Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.

Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q. What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A. a foursome.

Q. What do you call a blonde that has everything?
A. Penicillin.

Q. What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A. An air bag.

Q. What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
A. B.J.

Q. Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A. Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q. Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A. To avoid the draft.

Q. Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A. They have to pull their own pants down.

Q. Why do blondes wear panties?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A. It's too hard to re-train them.

Q. What do blondes do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.

Q. What do blonde virgins eat?
A. Baby food.

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. What is blonde and green and jumps from bed to bed?
A. A prostitoad.

Q. What is 68 to a blonde?
A. Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Q. What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at frozen oranged juice can for 2 hours?
A. Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q. Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A. It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q. Why did the blonde put her fingerover the nail she was hammering?
A. The noise gave her a headache.

Q. Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A. From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q. Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A. She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A. They don't know the route.

Q. What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A. Elvis has been sighted.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb?
A. The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bitch?
A. A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.