DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

Q. Why can't they have baseball stadiums in Poland?
A. Everyone would be sitting behind a pole!

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the A's fan took off his cap and placed itover her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Yankees cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the A's cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The A's fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a A's hat, I find an asshole."

Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

Q. Why is duct tape like "The Force"?
A. Because it has a Light side and a Dark side and it holds the Universe together.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop.
The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay..."

Q. What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
A. Having arms and legs.

Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball, he loved the Yankees. He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat to be had.
Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers behind the flag pole. Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn't need a plane.
"Well, Jose," they asked when he returned, "how was it?"
Jose raved. The Stadium, the game, the Yankees ? And most of all the fans, so friendly, so concerned about him that before the game they all stood up and turned to him and sang,
"Jose? Can you see?"

Q. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka

Two little boys go into the department store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

Q. What the definition of confusion?
A. Fathers day in the ghetto..

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

A lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks "could I please have a gallon of chocolate ice cream?"
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry miss, we just sold our last gallon of chocolate ice cream a few minutes ago. Could I interest you in another flavor?"
So the lady replies, "Ok then, I'll just have a quart of chocolate ice cream"
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry. We don't have any chocolate ice cream."
The lady then asks "all right, then could I have a just a pint of chocolate ice cream?"
Again the salesman responds angrier this time "i'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate ice cream"
So the lady says "Fine, I'll just have a cone of chocolate ice cream."
"Listen lady!" he yells. "How do you spell VAN in VANilla?"
"V-A-N" she spells.
"How do you spell STRAW in STRAWberry?"
"S-T-R-A-W" she again spells.
"And how do you spell FUCK in chocolate?"
She thinks for a minute and says "There is no FUCK in chocolate"
"EXACTLY!"

Q. When Buckwheat grew up and changed his name, what did he decide to call himself?
A. Kareem of Wheat.

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hill in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape.
Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."

Q. How do you make a bunch of little old ladies say "fuck"?
A. Shout "Bingo!"

One day a duck walks into a convenience store and asks "Ya got any Duck Food?"
The clerk says "No," so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks in and asks "Ya got Duck Food?"
The clerk says "NO and if you ask me that again I'll nail you to the floor!"
The next day the duck walks in and asks "Ya got nails? the clerk says "No"
So then the duck asks "Ya got any Duck Food?!?

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimmin' pool?
A. Bob

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due the advances in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, "The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are 'Today' and 'Tomorrow.' There are twelve seconds in a year. And God has two first names; they are 'Andy' and 'Howard.'"
Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow. Even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get twelve seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name is either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd etc..."
"OK, I'll give you that one, too," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...' and the prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
Saint Peter let him in without further ado

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a doorstep?
A. Matt

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a wall?
A. Art

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?
A. Phil

Once there was a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always provoked an embarrassing reaction. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he though to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this."

So he gave up beans. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he had several helpings.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him, sat him at the table and made him promise not to peek. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to peek and went to the phone. While she was gone, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was loud and ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. While keeping an ear to tuned in on the wife and staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for talking so long she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A. Russell

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

Q. What do you call a female with no arms and no legs in a China cabinet?
A. Crystal

Q. What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A. Jack

Q. What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs in a cash register?
A. Penny

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?
A. It doesn't matter, he won't come, anyway.

Q. How is a lawyer different from a hooker?
A. There are just some things a hooker won't do.

Q. How much dirt can you get out of a 4 Cubic foot hole?
A. NONE, it's a hole.

Q. What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
A. An Amish drive-by shooting