DAZZLIN' DEREK'S JOKEPAGE

1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close and whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell like you."

2) Use her bra as a slingshot. Tell her it was too small.

3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

4) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

6) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass, that's the problem."

7) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, start crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom/bathroom and slam the door.

8) Read her this list.

9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle of beer.

10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her.

14) If she mentions commitment or marriage, mention anal group sex in the same tone of voice.

15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry 'em like six-packs.

16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a crash diet because of a heart condition.

17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out.

20) Or, ask her Dad out.

21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.

22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

23) Scream your own name during sex.

24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to know what to scream.

25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests, say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you."

26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

27) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon."

28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.

29) While slow-dancing, drool on her back.