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How I Spent My Summer Vacation:
- Day 1: went to Pet-Smart and accused a random employee of bestiality. was thrown out
- Day 2: a little short on cash so i shaved my head and walked into an expensive salon screaming, "Give me a goddamn refund!" i was thrown out
- Day 4: roamed the streets of l.a. for 7 hours. passed by a school for the blind and repeatedly yelled, "Fire!"
- Day 6: calling myself "charlie the greek," went to an open-mic night at a coffe shop and started screaming ethnic slurs. was thrown out and had scalding hot coffee thrown in my eyes
- Day 8: smoked four joints and ate a whole box of urinal cakes
- Day 11: streaked a funeral
- Day 12: strolled into the local pharmacy and filled a Tylenol bottle with Viagra and ecstasy
- Day 15: went to the zoo and was dared to stick my dick in a monkey's butt. i did it...for an hour
- Day 17: forcibly gave mouth-to-mouth to an old woman who sprained her ankle. later that evening, realized i still had her dentures in my mouth
- Day 18: went to the local library and read "Kama Sutra" to the children, then made them re-enact scenes with an Elmo doll
- Day 20: tried to sell battery acid to local high-schoolers as "Acne-B-Gone"
- Day 21: played dodge-ball with a paraplegic, with me always as "the thrower"
Well, it's December right now, and it's hard to believe Christmas is around the corner. I love Christmas, don't you? I love walking through the crowded malls, seeing the holiday decorations, and throwing tufts of pubic hair into random strangers' faces while yelling, "merry Christmas to you!"
What made this Christmas even sweeter, was that I accidently received a letter in my mail that was addressed to a "Santa Claus." Naturally, I did the right thing: I threw it away. Of course, not before I opened it, read it, and used it as toilet paper. It was really sweet, here it is:
Dear Santy,
Hi! My name is Nathan and I'm 9 years old. I can't believe I remembered to write to you this time! I totally forgot last year, probably because my mommy smoked angel dust while she was pregnant with me :(
Anyway, I been really really good this year except for that one time when I did a double arson-homocide. Therefore, this year I have a really long wish list. I hope you can bring me alot of the stuff, because you never know, there could be an arson homocide at the North Pole if you get my drift. Anyway, here's my list:
- i want a Pokemon trading card set
- i want a Smith & Wesson .45 Magnum with laser-sight
- i want a chemistry set
- i want a life size sex doll...male(better not tell anyone!)
- i want a razor scooter
- i want you to kill my baby brother
Anyways, that's all the stuff that I want this year. I understand that you're probably really busy and all, but let me make myself clear: BRING ME MY SHIT, FATMAN, OR I WILL HURT YOU, YOUR WIFE, AND YOUR ELVES VERY VERY BADLY. THERE WILL BE ELF BLOOD EVERYWHERE. THEN I WILL BUTTFUCK YOUR REINDEER LIKE I DID TO MY FRIEND, TOMMY.
Love,
Your pal Nathan
before you exit this page, there's something i want to tell you. 2 + 2 does not equal 4. you've been lied to all your life. also, you're ugly
