weed-color page.

this page contains transcripts of phone conversations held in this house. many times, speakers were unaware of my presence on the line, so it may be hard to follow. for your convienence, i've adjusted the size to indicate which statements were made by me. they are in this size.

3:02 P.M. Mother of the house(we'll call her "Mary") calls what appears to be a male friend. i think she's going to have an affair.

Mary: (dialing, 11-digits)

Peter: Hello?

Mary: Hi Peter, it's Mary.

Peter: Mary, hi, I was just thinking of calling you.

Mary: Really, that's funny. Are you busy?

Peter: No, no, not at all. I actually just got in from the doctor's.

Mary: Oh no, nothing serious I hope.

Peter: Oh no, not at all, I was just going in for a checkup.

Mary: Great. Everything check out o.k?

Peter: Just fine, knock on wood!(laughing)

except for the herpes

Mary: What did you say?

Peter: I didn't say anything, did you hear someone say something? We may have some sort of cross-connection or something.

Mary: It sounded like you said something about burping.

Peter: (laughing) No, wasn't me. It was probably a cross-connection. That kind of thing happens all the time.

Mary: Let's be quiet and see if we can hear another conversation. (muffled giggling)

Peter: Alright. (snickering)

Silence.

Peter: I guess not. Usually, you just hear a couple words or so. It's real fleeting depending on the reception.

Mary: Oh well. So anyway, what were your plans for today?

clean my herpes

Peter: I...I think it's the cross connection again.

Mary: Oh.

Peter: I'm not sure but I think it said something about herpes.

Mary: Herpes?

Peter: Yeah! Didn't you hear the word herpes?

Mary: I'm not sure.

Peter: You do know what herpes are, don't you?

Mary: (laughing)Of course I know.

it's all over your lip

Peter: I didn't say anything! That voice sounds like mine but it's not me, I swear. Maybe we should each switch to another phone.

Mary: Good idea. Actually, let me call you back on another phone, okay?

Peter: Alright.

Mary: Okay, I'll call you right back.

Peter: Okay, bye.

herpes

Peter: Just hang up.

-Click-

3:09 P.M.

Mary: (dialing)

Peter: Hi.

Mary: I've switched to another phone.

Peter: Yeah, same here. Boy, that was weird.

Mary: Sure was.

Peter: Well anyway, what were you planning on doing today?

douching

Peter: I'm sorry?

Mary: What'd you say?

douche

Mary: What?

Peter: Did you say tush?

Mary: Tush?

drink some douche

Peter: Wait......What?

Mary: What did you say before that?

yo ass smellz, bitch

Mary: My ass what?

Peter: Wait, let's back it up...

you dumb ho

Mary: What?

you heard me, cunt

Peter: Who is this?

Mary: It's Mary! What's wrong with you, Peter?!? Are you on drugs, again?!?

maybe

Peter: Mary, are you talking to me?

her-pes, bur-pees, slur-pees

Mary: What??!!

what?

Peter: Huh?

huhh?

Mary: Peter...uh... I should go...

to douche?

Peter: That wasn't me!

that wasn't me!

Mary: What?

Peter: Mary, hang up and let me call you back in ten minutes, o.k.?

Mary: Alright.

(Peter hangs up)

mary, wait

Mary: Yeah?

um...

Mary: Peter, you're acting very strange.

i'm sorry, mary. it's because....well ... it's because i want to rip-rod you up the wazooski

Mary: You what?

you see, mary, about a half hour ago i smoked some hash. and now all i can think about is rubbing my 'nads in your brillo

Mary: You filthy pig!

oink-oink, baby! oink-fucking-oink!

Mary: Don't ever call me!

i'm gonna call you back in two minutes, bitch!

-Click-