COMMERCIALS
Monica:(Puts down bong) Couff! Couff! Ack! Ack!
Rachel: I'm expecting a call from my niece, Lindsey. She is just the cutest thing and she's supposed to come down to visit today.
Monica:(slurring) Eff shee cahhlls, ahll take uh message.
Rachel: Thanks, she just turned 14 two days ago and I'm gonna take her to get her ears pierced.
(Enter Joey)
Rachel and Monica: Hey Joey.
Joey:(melancholy) heey.
Monica: What's wrong Joey?
Joey: ahh, I don't know. It's just lately I feel like I got nothing going my way, you know? Like I've got nothin' to be proud of.
Rachel: Has anyone seen my vibrator?(crowd laughs)
Monica: Joey, listen to me, why shouldn't you be proud of yourself? I mean, look at you, you're an actor in New York, you're a good-looking guy, you've got a great sense of humor...
Joey:(interrupting) Don't forget my chiseled jawline(crowd laughs).
Monica: See? Whaddayou have to be down about?
Joey:(grinning like a big dumbfuck) Yeah! I guess you're right!
Rachel: Has anyone seen my buttplugs?
(Ross and Phoebe seated on couch)
Ross: Hey Pheebes, you want anything?
Phoebe: Yeah, get me a cold cappacino and a bar of soap.
Ross: Umm, you could get it yourself.(crowd laughs)
Phoebe: (laughs) Good one. Make sure the soap is cold.
Ross: (smiling) I uh, wasn't joking. Heh heh. I'm not your bitch.
Phoebe:(leaps atop Ross brandishing a butter knife) I will fuck you up good you little pussy!!
Joey:(to Rachel and Monica) ...so anyway, I was holding this midget with my left hand, and trying to pull down his pants with my right!
Rachel and Monica: (both laugh maniacally)
(Enter Chandler)
Rachel, Monica, and Joey:(in unison) Hey Chandler!
Chandler: Hey guys. Here Rachel, I borrowed your vibrator and buttplugs. Oops, let me wipe them first.
(Phone rings)
Rachel: Ooh! I'll get it, that must be Lindsey!
Monica: Has anyone seen Ross today?
Chandler: Yeah, he said he was going to the coffee shop with Pheebes. Hey Joey, you feeling any better?
Joey: Well, my anus is still sore, but the swelling in my ear seems to be going down--
Chandler: Not that, you idiot!! (crowd laughs) I meant about your feeling down in the dumps!!
Rachel:(hangs up phone) You guys, that was my niece. She's downstairs right now, I told her to come up.
Monica: Oooh! I can't wait to meet her(licks her lips).
Chandler: Long live Racism!
(Loud banging on the door)
Rachel:(opens door to reveal a 14 year old gangsta-bitch with tattoos all over her face)
Lindsey: whassup, bitchez.
Rachel: Hi Lindsey! Ready to get your first earrings?
Lindsey: Earrings?!? I thought you said clitrings!
Rachel and Monica sit around table as Chandler break dances to Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now."
Monica: Hey Rach, where's Lindsey?
Rachel: Oh she's in my room sleeping.
Chandler:(singing) "...i think we're alone now..."
Rachel: Where'd Joey go?
Monica: I don't know. He was here a minute ago.
Rachel: Hey Chandler, where's Joey?
Chandler:(break-dancing) ...do the robot-o, do the robot-o...
(Moans and grunts coming from Rachel's room)
Monica and Rachel:(look to each other) Joey!!
(The two run into Rachel's room and drag out a naked Joey, exposing that he's a hemaphrodite)
Rachel: What the hell are you doing to my niece!!?!
Joey: Bend over and I'll show you.(crowd laughs)
Rachel: Joey, you fucked-up muthafucking shit eating fuck-nugget bitchfuck!
Monica: Yeah Joey, what the goddamn muthafucking shitfuck fuck oh fucking fuck fucker fuck fuck were you muthafucking thinking?
Joey: I'm sorry! It's just that clit-ring...It's absolutely amazing!
(Upon hearing Joey, Chandler runs into Rachel's room)
Rachel and Monica:(together) Chandler!!
(Just then, Ross bursts into the apartment with visible cuts all over his face and body)
Ross: You guys!! Help!! Phoebe's trying to kill me!!
Rachel: Ross, we have our own problems!!(runs into room, followed by Monica)
(Phoebe appears at the door, clutching a butterknife in her bloody hands)
Phoebe: Must kill Ross, Must kill Ross...
Ross: AAAhhhh!!!!(Runs into Rachel's room)
Phoebe: Running shall merely delay your bloody demise!!(walks into Rachel's room)
Ross:(From inside the room) Phoebe, please, please Phoebe, no, no, please...
(From inside the room, we hear Phoebe let out a blood-curdling scream. A moment later Phoebe comes running out)
Phoebe:(running out of the apartment) Joey's a hemaphrodite!! Joey's a hemaphrodite!!
Alongside closing credits, Ross sits in a darkened room for his closing monologue:
I came so close to death. I could see visions of my life up until now flashing before my very eyes. In an instant, my Earthly existence would've been erased from the consciousness of the universe. Worldly possessions mean nothing to me now. Nothing means anything to me now. As the gleam of the blade came closer and closer to my throat, I can't forget the image I saw in the gleaming reflection: my thin, quivering face, with mouth agape trying to scream but choked back by fear...my eyes filled with death...the mental anguish of seeing your own murder...
