IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT
by Vicky Romance

Chapter 2: Livin’ on the edge of a broken heart or how to fight nineteen years of rejection with chronic masturbation.

Howdy, howdy. Welcome back boys and girls to the second round of all out spastic mayhem hosted by yours truly. I promised less whining this time..well... fuck you- I’m in charge.

By this time Valentines day has come and gone and may we pray that it’s ugly head stays inside it’s black shell for another 365 days. I hate Valentines day! It has to be the worst holiday man has come up with. Worse than the Feast of St.Anne or Boxing day. What other day lets you wallow in your pathetic loneliness for a straight 24 hours!?! Oh... and for your information, NO, I did not have a date this year. I did not have a date LAST year..I have NEVER had a date on Valentines day!! So there, nyahhhh! Not that I’m bitter though. Valentines day is really a stupid holiday. We all see those stupid happy couples on the street everyday and want to punch them right in the face. Why do we let theses imbeciles have their own day?!? We should hunt these couples down and stone them to death in front of their own homes for wasting our time and making us feel bad. What right do they have??? My point is (finally!): Valentines day is a shitty guise created by Hallmark to sell you cards that were written and drawn by retards and little candy hearts that taste like rancid ass. Sad and sorry you are for buying the lie.

So for today, I am serving the lonely. I offer you the non-loved one, five things to do to ward off V-day depression and suicide.

1.) Find all those sappy love notes, touching emails and sickening mix tapes your ex-loved one gave you and collect them in a manila envelope. If you have ever taped yourself doing the nasty or taken pictures of you two in the act include those as well. Find the address of your ex’s current gf/bf and casually slip the envelope in his or her mailbox. Then stand back and watch the fireworks begin. Nothing gets other peoples significant others more angrier than finding out he or she once told all the same lovey-duvey lies to someone else just to get them to bed. Plus, you have more space in your room for important things. Like a gun rack.

2.) For you non active types. Obtain a BB gun or create a blow gun contraption out of a drinking straw and tiny rocks. Aim it at the happy couples on the street and fire away! Keep score. If you sear a persons private, rendering them unable to have kids. You win!!

3.) Try drugs. Come on! Does coke really shrink your penis? Is heroin really addictive. Can I honestly get high sniffing glue? What better day to find out. With 24 hours of depression to ward off, let the games begin. And who knows..you may develop a friend for life. Or maybe just the munchies.

4.) Hang out with your friends. Unless they’re with someone...then don’t hang out with them. Grab your loser friends up...get drunk..get wasted..then spend the rest of the night flashing your nuts or tits at passing cars on the highway. Who knows..one of the passer-byers may have a very lucrative offer! I should mention..do not call your mom. That will only make things worse.

5.) Finally..the end all be all of love sickness combat. MASTURBATION! Oh I’m not talking about pre-bed, quick, hoping your roommate doesn’t come wandering in type of masturbation. I’m talking the end all be all of self serving exercises. Lock yourself into a room. Spread all your porno out in front of you, turn on all your porn-videos, call up your favorite cartoon-porn sites on the web, lie back and direct your hatred of love and happy couples into thoughts of Madison or Natasha VanDamage. Don’t stop, once is not enough. Do not stop until the air in whatever room you’re in so heavy with residue of hard self-lovin’ that the next person with two X chromosomes to enter will immediately become pregnant. That will cure ya for sure.

Well there’s my advice to the lovelorn. Hey, all those beat being trapped at a show with your ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend who was at one point her ex-boyfriend until she deemed you too terrible to hang out with for any longer and decided to go back to him even though he beats her. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

Love, love, love just ain’t a game I play- VickyR

Next time: MORRISSEY!....Yes, I’m fucking serious.