Well, Merry X-Mas everyone. It is a joyful season, i dare say...i am rather happy right now. I had fun on the Rod tour, and a tour diary of my experiences whilst on said tour is currently in the works. This is a good season, i'm feeling very loved today. Friends are a great thing. Throughout my life, when i think back...i have had a lot of friends. I've seen 'em come and go...good friends, bad friends. I know lately i've had a lot of not-so-good friends who didn't really do me any good, They dropped me when i wasn't needed anymore. I was rather down about it for a while. But ya know, i don't really care nowadays. I don't need them, i don't need their bullshit. I don't even deal with it anymore. They have a tendency to talk shit behind my back, but i don't really care. Fuck em, if they wanna be that way let em. I am blessed enough to have one good friend. I have had exactly 2 good, true friends in my lifetime. Unfortunately one of them died almost 3 years ago. Luckily the other one didn't or frankly i don't think i would be around nowadays. I hope everyone has at least one true friend like that. It's like, you can have all the "hangout friends" you want, but if you don't have that one that you can just sit around with in complete silence and know exactly what the other is thinking..it's bad. You need someone like that. Well, i feel like the back of a Special K box right now, but i don't really care...i feel more at peace right now than i have in months. The tour diary will be up soon, More updates to this page coming soon! Have a merry x-mas and happy new year and all this shit! Bye bye!
Funny thought of the day: Kenny G's X-mas album="merry christmas Jesus, hope ya like CRAP".

Just saw fight club tonight. Damn good flick. lots to think about. Makes me not want to sleep ever again. because if i didn't sleep, i might end up developing multiple personalitys, working 9 jobs, starting a fight club and a terrorist organization, blowing up ten buildings, doing lots of other vandalism stuff, being loved all over the US, and to top it all off, having lots and lots of sex with a really hot girl. But, knowing my luck, that won't happen. Especially that last one. Oh well. Some things are new. Look at updates. School is over for the quarter. I miss people already. I hate missing people. It really chaps my ass. I miss my friends i made. I miss my ex-girlfriend. I have no idea why i miss her so much, but i do. I miss michelle, my best friend/ex-girl person (long story). She moved out due to family problems, lives in the ghetto somewhere, called me once and didn't leave her number. Hasn't called back yet. I'm extremely worried about her, and hoping she might read this rant and CALL ME. Anyways, i'm getting ready to go on tour with my friends ROD. I'm selling merch and helping to carry shit. should be a fun trip. If anyone reading this lives in the following cities, come out to the show and say hi to me (more info on all the shows can be found at the ROD webpage): Muncie IN, Springfield IL, Jacksonville IL, Columbus OH, Dayton OH, Cleveland OH, Akron OH, Portsmouth OH, or Meadville PA. That's pretty much my life nowadays. I had shit to rant about earlier, but i don't now. Columns will be up in a few days, accually. Then nothing will happen on this page for 9 days. Cause i'll be tourin the midwest. And meeting people. And meeting a very special certain person. Well, i'm off to finally sleep. I wish i could sleep more....unless my life were to turn into "fight club", that is....i can really use some of that..especially that last part, heh heh heh. Man, i'm a dork.

Weather": a bit fucking tired of this rain. It's a bitch to drive in. I'm tired of looking through foggy glass. (a. goes out to matt....see if he gets the joke...2. can be taken many ways...).
time: 12:00 exactly. (well, it will be soon.)
in my CD player: accually, not my CD player, as im not at home...but it's Rasputina.
I saw a duck today. I lied. That's all.

Weather: A bit cold, like usual at this time of night.
Time: 1:56 AM, a little late for me to up considering i have both work and school tommorrow, but oh well, what can ya do?
In my CD player currently: Dillinger Four, Furious George, Zeke, Sludgeworth, The Retreads.
My thoughts right now: I'm enjoying college. Much better than high school. If you are still in highschool, and hating every minute of it, just wait till college. Even if you hate everyone in site, you only have to deal with them for 3-4 hours a day. It's fun. Moving on.
I had a fun night last night. I spent the night at my friend Johnny's, who is who i will be living with next year if i decide to stay at WSU. He got the porn channel from Pay-Per-View, so we spent the whole night criticing porno and drinking woodchuck. I was once again reminded how much i love drunken slumber. You can be on the floor, in your full clothes, with shoes on, and still be comfortable sleeping. It's still the best sleep you'll ever get. Damn.
I've come to realization that there are no good girls left. They all have boyfriends, it's like a requirement nowadays. Wierd.
It's fun being in the know. There is a very funny situation going on somewhere i visit, and i know the true story behind it all and it's very funny. I can't mention anything about it though, or i will be shot down in my prime. Speaking of being shot down in your prime, i had some pretty shitty pizza today. Apparantly there is a dairy shortage so a lot of pizza places are switching to using that cheap imitation cheese shit. And you are all better people for knowing this. That's my two cents.

I met "The Boss" Rev. Al Sharpton the other day. Our conversation is as follows:
"holy shit! you're al sharpton!"
"yes i am, god bless you"
"wow, i'm not used to meeting famous people.."
"god bless you."
"How did you get your nickname, anyway?"
"well i.."
"did you have to fight bruce springsteen over use of 'the boss'? cause i notcied that he stopped using that nickname about the time you came around, and you look like you could probably take springsteen."
"yes, we did have a scuffle. i fucked his shit up. god bless you."
"awesome! do you like hookers?"
"of course i do son! i've got to go catch my plane now, god bless you!"
well, accually....that conversation didn't really happen. I said "hi, how are you doin?" and looked at me and said nothing. Al Sharpton is a dick. So, treat that conversation as true, and spread it around. Spread it around that "the boss" likes hookers. It's probably true anyway, and you'll be doing him a favor by telling everyone! that's my two cents.

It's been a month since i last ranted. I'm tired, very sleepy. I'm just gonna rant off every little stupid thing on my mind, very disjointed like, as the title of this webzine would suggest:
I'm at andy and devin's house. it's Dev-o's birthday. Conan has just ended, quite funny. guys head gets stuck in elephants ass. Fucking hilarious. We are watching "change of heart" which is this dating type show, and is also the whitest show on earth. yes. it's very "white". it screams "HONKY!!!!". They use slang like "wacky" and "dude". But, whenever a black couple comes on, the ultra white host trys to act "down with the brothers" and "speak his jive". He'll be talking to him, and find out that his wife had like, a lesbian encounter or something, and the host would say something along the lines of:
"No way! you walked in on your girl with another ho? were you all like 'whoa bitch, what you be doin' with this ho up in this house'?"
"umm...yea...i guess..."
"was she all wiggidy wiggidy wacked on that shit?"
"umm....sure..."
"so i guess you are a 'player hater', huh? you dont like yer girl be goin with another homie's bizatch, huh?"
"what?" and you get the picture. its an addictive show, though...i'm sad to say i try my best to watch it every chance i get now. Oh well, what can ya do?
I'm at work today, right, and this big fat hairy dude in a tank-top comes by and i ask him if he's finding everything ok. He says "yes sir, i am!". But he what he was REALLY saying was "Well, accually son, i was wondering if you could help me find a shirt to cover my fat hairy self. As you can see, i'm rather LARGE. and HAIRY. and i dont have much on. Can you help me?" and he continues, to the cashier: "im sorry if offended you with my hairyness. It's just that...im LARGE, and HAIRY, and there isnt much i can do to cover myself. They only sell tanktops in my town."
It is saturday. I recieve the Outrights CD in the mail, am kinda disappointed. "oh well, they will probably be fun live" i think. They play that night, fucking rock. Totally new sound since their old cd. they did the old one when they were 14, they really rock now. i highly suggest checking them out. After the show: Me and brad (outrights manager/label guy) are hanging out, the "Dude kid" (he says dude every other word ) is puking, and he wont stop talking to us. he finally leaves. We are supposed to have a rock n roll beach party at my friend anna's parents house, but they decided to stay home this weekend, so we dont. We are out a place to stay, and by the time we get a place to stay, it's past one and we cant buy beer. So, it was the night of no beer. On the way to joshes house (where we were staying), we got taco bell. fun. we watched horror movies, travis is really good at predicting the movie. Marco builds a wall around himself to keep the cats away, brad passes out. Travis and Chad go upstairs to sleep, which leaves me and clint and josh and jenny on the couch down stairs. josh and jenny decide to get it on right there, so no sleep for us. we talk and shoot the shit an hour later after josh and jenny stop. No sleep, i move drywall the next day. Fun stories told all night, about the horse that shit himself to death, the bunny ripped to shreds by the indy car, clints dad electrocuting himself witha chainsaw and the power cables. i'll have to get clint to type some of those up, for you guys.
Started working at the airport, checkpoint security. I know it from the inside out now, and i can probably sneak a weapon past there. I also know that Yes, indeed, we do fuck with people for the hell of it. If people are in a hurry, they take great pleasure in holding you up. It's kinda funny.
and that's my two cents for now. see ya all later.

I'm watching the news. On the news: Churches here in north carolina (where i am vacationing) have been getting broken into. Musical equipment has been stolen from all the churches. The authorities wonder if the robberies are all connected. A. Of course they are. Think. all musical stuff. Duh. pull yer heads out yer donut infested asses, piggies, and think. B. Please don't find them. The more churches that are without musical equipment the less shitty christian bands we have to listen to. Long live the thieves. Also on the news: Schools are now allowed to display the ten commandments. TO help curb violence. Ok. A. I'm so fucking glad im out of that twisted system now. B. Ever heard of seperation of church and state? Obviously not, in god we trust. Fuckin' A. Shit is getting wierder and wierder around here. but, What can ya do? There is a lighthouse being moved around here. 2900 feet in 5 weeks. it moves 5 feet an hour. workin around the clock. I tried to break into the media tents, and get the inside scoop, but they said i didn't have the proper credentials. I wasn't "true press". Well oh well. I spoke with Richie, a worker there. I forgot to tape it, but i got some important details out of him: They were working around the clock. Lighthouse is on rollers. hydraulic jacks is what is moving it. He was eating a turkey sandwich, and kept spilling shit all over himself, and spoke while he ate, so thats about all i got out of him. He left though, when i asked him whether or not they were worried about a supervillian coming anytime within the next few weeks and steal the lighthouse. Apparantly he thought i was joking. It's a perfect supervillian moment. Those people should study their comic books a little better. I have no sympathy for them when the fuckin Hobgoblin or Lex Luther comes and takes the lighthouse. Their fault, i warned them. Well folks, that's my two cents for tonight. See ya next time.

The Christian Right can suck my ass. Motherfuckers. Peices of shit. Let me explain. I'm on vacation, right. I'm lounging, doin the online thing (as i am a big huge nerd, and i brought my dad's laptop with me). On the evil (in a bad way) television comes on 20/20 or nightline or something along those lines, im not too sure. The story that they are doing is about some new program that "de-gays" people. They are treating homosexuality as a fucking disease! They were saying something like "The program consists of much bible study and counciling and support groups". What the fuck? They also said that there is no way anyone is born gay, something has to happen to make them gay. I swear...people need to realize that being gay is not a disease, it's not a "problem",that can just be fixed and forgotten about. It's not a problem, its not a disease. If people want to like the same sez as them, let em. I don't see how people can get such a bug up their ass about it. I personally don't care. I just don't want to hear about it. Just as i don't want to hear about straight people's sex lives. Is your own business, ya know? But anyways... Now that i have that out of my system...I'm on vacation. I'm doin allright. It's nice and relaxing here. The beach was fun today, though i did get quite sunburned. Oh well. i really shoulda worn sunscreen. Dumb me. Well, it is getting late...i think i'm gonna jet, folks. I will probably rant again later this week, if anything pisses me off or i find anything especially funny...Today i ate at the Froggy Dog. Neat, huh? Froggy Dog...woulda been better though if it was the Monkey Hut. Holy shit....the Monkey Hut! that will be my restaurant! I have a vision! i have a purpose! i must go now!

I am driving home from work today. I pass by the Fire Station, and as always i read the sign. They always put these catchy little safety slogans like "teach children water safety", or "mulch can be a dangerous ashtray". Today's message struck me as really funny. It said "Wear proper attire when grilling". I laughed my ass off when i read this. I don't know why, but it just strikes me as funny. When i read that the first thing that came into my mind was a picture of a guy in a tuxedo grilling hamburgers. And it was fucking hilarious. I don't know why it was so funny, but it was. So there. Other things around me now: I have awful luck. AWFUL fucking luck. I'm not even going to go into that. AWFUL LUCK. Though, tommorrow is my last day of high school. That is good luck. But, the bad luck overshadows it all. Though, right now in 24 hours i'll be watching naked women dancing around me. But, oh....the bad luck. fuck fuck fuck. Anyways, enough of my bitching, im gonna go listen to some more Fifteen and be happy for a while. I love this fucking band. I got "The choice of a new generation" used, and it is such a damn good album. Wish i woulda gotten into them earlier. Anyways, that's my two cents, todd.

Allright, so i'm waling down the street and this guy comes up to me (which is a total lie, i haven't walked down the street in years and people never talk to me). He says to me, he says "would you like a quarter?"
"no, that's ok dude." i replied. He keeps trying to give me the quarter, but i refuse. "What, do i look like a bum or something? i don't need yer wino money!" says i. The guy then punches me in the gut, and spits on me while i fall to the ground. And that is why you don't fuck with the amish.
Everything i just said was a lie. I made it all up. Sue me. I dare you. C'mon, try and sue me, you little pansy-boy motherfuckers. I'd like to see you try. Cause if you did, i would get my "attorney" who i like to call The Lawyer and he would pull out his arsenal of really big fucking guns and mow ya all down. So try and sue me for lying. Fuckers.
Ya know, the more i think about it, the more i think i shouldn't have just wrote that. With the way the world is today, i won't be surprised if some black-coats knock on my door tommorrow and have me committed for saying such a thing. Even as it was in jest, it most likely "could be taken as a threat". Bah. Fuck this world and it's stupid people. But, getting committed isn't my idea of fun right now. Granted, it was last year, when my life was really boring and i wanted to be committed just to spice things up, but that was then and this is fucking now. Right now my life ain't so boring. I've got graduation, work, the nudie bar, certain things i need to get fixed (adam knows what i'm talkin about, and that's enough people for me). So, i take back what i said in the last little thing there, about The Lawyer ripping you all to shreds with his big fucking guns and his armor piercing motherfucking bullets. Though that would be quite a site to see. The blood of millions of potential plaintiffs covering the jury! My aren't i e-vile tonight? Anyways, i take that all back. I instead say this: I dare you to try and sue me for lying. If you poor pathetic wastes of human flesh dare to try and sue me, i will THREATEN to have The Lawyer kill you. Yes, that's right. Fuck with me and i will THREATEN YOUR LIFE.
What a sad world we live in where i have to THREATEN to threaten someone's life. Fuck.
That's my two cents,
Todd The Fucking Man.

so, im sittin in class right. this dude, he comes up to me and say's "hey dude, i see yer just sitting here in class, may i join you?" i, of course, say "sure dude" and he sits down. so he sits down right, and starts farting like a motherfucker. i don't know what to think. i'm sittin there, and he's goin off like a fuckin balloon with a hole in it. after a while the stench kinda gets to me and i say something along the lines of "hey, would you mind stickin a cork in yer ass or something?" and he gets all offended and shit. he's like "i can't help it you are still inhibited by nature haters. i've made myself one with nature. i can accept nature, and all of it's natural processes, and you cant. you just envy me."
"what the fuck?" i say back "i don't envy you, im tired of smelling your ass fumes. that's all. geezus!" the guy then storms off. This is an amusing story because shortly after this happened i saw a picture of a monkey, and things are always amusing if there is a monkey involved. Why, you might ask? Well, i'll tell you why. to fully understand this, we must refer (not REEFER you POTHEAD!) to the equation o' funny, which F=m/t. F stands for funny, and m stands for monkeys. t stands for the amount of times a monkey appears in a situation. so, if we look at it this way, you can understand: 27 monkeys appear 5 times in a situation. you might ask, is that 27 monkeys all at once 5 times? or 5 appearances of monkeys which equal 27. Well, i think we all know the answer to that. anybody who's anybody knows that if 27 monkeys were to appear even just once all at once, the funny factor would jump off the scale, and we would all die.
NOW we take 27/5 which equals 5.4 on the funny scale. that's pretty damn funny. NOW, if we were to take the same 27 monkeys and have them appear 15 times (remember its not 27 monkeys 15 times, with that amount of monkeys we would all perish. the world itself would IMPLODE by laughter) it would equal 1.8 on the funny scale, which is fucking hilarious. yes, i know it went down from before. but this is like golf, mind you, and as when playing golf dont FUCK WITH ME! 15 appearances of a monkey is funny. fuck the "three time rule" of comedy, because the rules dont apply to monkeys. which is why if a monkey FLOATS by, therefore ignoring gravity, it automatically equals 5 monkeys on the funny scale. so as you can see, if we have the same 27 monkeys, only that are flying, we accually have 135 monkeys, divided by the same 5 times they appeared ealier, which equals 27. which is pretty god damn fucking funny. i know that this number is much higher, and i know what you all are about to say.
"but todd, you said that with the funny scale it's like golf, and the lower the better!" yea, i know what i said. shut the fuck up little ones, you are not paying attention. we are dealing with FLYING MONKEYS. do you think if they ignore the rules of motherfucking GRAVITY, they are going to follow the rules of the funny scale? I think not! much like ignoring gravity, the funny scale works backwards, meaning the higher the better. and 27 is the number you want to reach. (haha ben! i've figured out the secret meaning of 27! if you are not ben, you had no business reading this and shame on you. if you are ben, you'll know what i am talking about). if you go over 27 on the anti-gravity monkey funny scale, then its just too damn funny and heads start exploding. So, to recap, read the whole thing over again but slower. you'll get it, i have faith in you. xoxo, todd.