This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise. As a joke, my brother used to
hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before
Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every Christmas morning, although
Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to
go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this
do! ?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could
use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according
to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom
of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the
plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long
after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also
ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of
milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morni! ng my br other called to say that Santa
had been to his house and left a present that had made
him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would
bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her
when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in
the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my
mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?", Granny
continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
trying to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang ! on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I
noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that
we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at
home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the
room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitatio! n. My br ot her fell back over his chair and
wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped
out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a
Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot
ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately,
thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in
several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still
calls her whenever he can get out of the house.



And how was your Christmas? ;o)



Here's a little bonus for making it this far down the page....

One of my Faaavorite Christmas Tunes
Homemade Christmas in Kentucky
~~by Kenny Rogers~~



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