Quips and Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
6. I doubt, therefore I might be.
7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
9. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. A fool and his money are soon partying.
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
15. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
16. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
17. I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
18. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
20. If all is not lost, where is it?
21. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
22. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
23. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
24. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
25. It was all so different before everything changed.
26. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
27. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
28. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
29. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
30. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?.
31. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
32. Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
33. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.