Strict, Unbending Rules For Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
   moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
   moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish
   scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their
   permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and
   cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled
   will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the
   house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at
   certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days
    ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
    sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws
    on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen
    claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three
    perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,
    high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter
    pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with
    non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at
    the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
    covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the
    covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.