"Kayley, I love you, but if you walk out of my life now, you're not coming back." Jonathan Knight's voice was firm and clear, yet scared, as he confronted his girlfriend. Kayley McCloud's bright blue eyes met his deeper, hazel ones head on.
"I'm sorry, Jon, but I'm not going to take it anymore. Put yourself in my place for a minute. There are thousands of girls screaming your name. You're always on tour, and when you are home you're recording or with your family. I miss you dammit, and I don't deserve this!" Kayley's dark blond hair shook violently as her voice grew to a yell. Jon gazed at her, then turned towards the window.
"Do you think I like being away all the time? I miss my family, I miss my friends, and I miss you! I'd love to go on to college, marry you, and have a family." He turned back towards Kayley and leaned against the window sill. "But I love what I do, Kay. Those moments that I'm on stage, singing and dancing, those are the moments where I belong."
Kayley had been staring at the ground, fighting tears. Now she raised her eyes to meet Jon's. How she'd miss those beautiful hazel eyes, that were now welled with tears. She'd miss him altogether-that soft brown hair, that beautiful face, the sweet voice, and that coy sense of humor. But she wanted to be with him, and since she couldn't have that, she had to let him go.
"Then I guess this is good-bye," she whispered. She took a few steps closer to him. Tears were streaming down his face; she reached up to wipe a few away, but he turned away from her. "I do love you, Jon, and if you ever decide this isn't the life for you, look me up." Before he could react, she reached up and kissed him on his cheek, then turned and walked out of his room.
Jon ran a hand through his dark brown hair and sighed. Grabbing a tissue from the nightstand, he sighed again and sat down on the edge of the twin bed he'd had since he was ten. This wasn't fair. He hadn't asked to become an overnight sensation. He'd liked his life just fine before his brother had talked him into auditioning with him. Now he was only nineteen and a household name, along with his younger brother and their three friends. There was nothing he could do, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. He truly did love his job-he already had more than he needed in life and their career was still growing quickly.
No, Jon decided, he couldn't sacrifice this. Not even if it meant losing Kayley forever.
Part 2
Kayley laid on her bed listening to "Hangin' Tough" for the fifth time that day. Her copy had been signed by all of the guys, as well as her copy of the self-titled album. As "Please Don't Go Girl" came on again, Kayley released a fresh stream of tears.
She shouldn't be doing this. She needed time to heal. The last thing she needed was to lie in bed, listening to the reason she'd lost Jon. Still, she needed to hear his voice. The first album was too painful to hear, but this new release was calming in a way.
Kayley could remember the good times. It was the only thing keeping her going. She could still see the day she and Jon had started going out as if it were yesterday. He'd been seventeen, and she'd just turned sixteen. They were at the neighborhood's annual picnic, and at first, like all her friends, she'd had a crush on his brother Jordan. They were closer in age, after all, and she'd always wanted a guy who could sing.
But Jordan was a flirt, and Kayley discovered that his big brother looked just as beautiful. Jon's sister, Sharon, eventually just told her to go for it, and she did. The next thing she knew they were playing volleyball, tennis, going swimming, and even playing with the little kids in a game of tag. Kayley had known him for four years, but she felt as if she were meeting him for the first time.
As the day turned into night, Kayley found herself lying in Jon's arms in a soft patch of grass, whispering their dreams to each other. She discovered he and Jordan, along with their friends Danny, Donnie, and Joe, had just recorded an album. Kayley had been impressed, but she was more amazed by this sweet, sensitive guy who kissed her so tenderly. After that they were inseparable.
Those days were gone, though. Not long after that album was released to the public, another one appeared. "Hangin' Tough" shot Kayley's shy, loving boyfriend to stardom. The next thing she knew she was attending concerts to see Jon, fighting her way through mad crowds afterwards to see him backstage. When she finally got there, she had to watch him hugging, taking pictures with, or signing autographs for fans. What they didn't know! She'd more than hugged him; she'd kissed those lips numerous times, ran her hands over that toned body, and gotten the same in return. She had hundreds of photographs of him. There were school pictures, family pics, pictures of him with friends, the group, and a ton of him with her. There even a few candid pictures were she'd caught him off guard! And autographs? Kayley had to laugh. She had Jon's signature in so many places it scared her to know they were worth money. It was in birthday cards, Valentine's Day cards, love notes, and even the index cards that came with the flowers he insisted on sending her once a week.
Still, it wasn't the same. Kayley wanted to be with Jon, not love him from afar as so many others did. Those hadn't spent nights pouring out their hearts to him. Those girls hadn't gotten a personal serenade from him as she had several times. If she was sick, he'd hold her and sing to her. If she was upset, he'd hold her and sing to her. Her favorite holiday was Christmas, because of the beautiful Christmas carols he'd sing.
Kayley rolled over and cried harder as "I'll Be Loving You Forever" came on. Burying her face into the pillow to muffle her sobs, she cried for what she'd lost.
Part 3
"Come on, man, you've gotta cheer up. She obviously wasn't worth your time if she'd let you go like that." Donnie said, putting a hand on Jon's shoulder. All five guys were ready for rehearsal, but they had to wait for their manager, Dick Scott, before they could start. The others had been milling around and chatting, but Jon had sat in a chair and put his head in his hands. He simply shook his head at Donnie's comment. The other guys just didn't understand. Donnie was a wild guy, who's siblings referred to his girlfriends as "the flavor of the week." Danny was just starting to get serious about dating, and Joe, at barely fifteen, couldn't possibly understand what Jon was facing. Only Jordan, who also had a serious girlfriend, even had a clue.
"Jon, come on. It's been almost a month. When are you going to move on?" Jon glanced up to see his little brother kneeling in front of him, concern in his eyes. Jordan noticed his brother's eyes were red and tearstained. He also knew that Jon had hardly slept at all since Kayley had stormed out of the house that day. Jon sighed at the comment that had been made so many times already.
"I can't, OK, J? I want to, but I can't. You don't spend two years loving someone then just up and forget about them." Jon stood and walked over to the piano place in the corner of the dance studio where they rehearsed. Sadly, he plunked out a few minor chords. The other guys exchanged concerned looks. Danny was about to say something when Dick walked in.
"OK, boys, sorry about the wait. Let's start with 'My Favorite Girl,' then do 'The Right Stuff,' then as a break, we can whip out the stools and Jordan can practice 'I'll Be Loving You.' Agreed?" The guys all nodded, then took their spots, but Jon's heart jumped at the thought of having to do "I'll Be Loving You Forever." That had been his and Kayley's song...
Jon went through the motions and sang his parts on the familiar songs, but there was no feeling behind it. Then Jordan and Donnie went into action, grabbing four stools, and Jon, Donnie, Joe, and Danny all took their seats. Jon listened sadly as his younger brother began singing in a smooth tenor.
"I'm not that kind of guy, who can take a broken heart. So don't ever leave, I don't want to see us part. The very thought of losing you means that everything, would go down under..."
Jon was suddenly facing too much. A flood of memories came to him, as did a flood of tears. He didn't make a big deal out of it. He simply slipped out one of the back exits and found a dark room that stored old props. He knew someone would be behind him soon enough, but right then he needed a moment alone.
He'd finally begun to regain his composure about two minutes later, when a knock came at the door.
"Jon, it's me." Jon recognized his brother's voice. "Do you want to talk about it?" Jon sighed and wiped furiously at his eyes.
"Come on in, J, I'll be fine in a minute." Jordan opened the door and let his eyes adjust to the dark before walking towards his brother. He sat down on the floor across from Jon.
"Dick wants to talk to you." Jordan said quietly. Jon sighed.
"Great, I'll bet I've lost Kayley and now I'm about to get fired, too." He stood up and walked towards the door.
"I really don't think that's it, Jon. We just want to help you." Jon stopped and looked at his brother, then smiled.
"Thanks, bro. I'll catch you back in the studio." With that, Jon walked over to the glaring door of Dick Scott's office.
Part 4
Taking a deep breath, Jon knocked gently on the door.
"Come in!" Dick called, in his deep, throaty voice. Carefully, Jon pushed open the door and walked inside. His knees were shaking and his heart was pounding so hard he could hear the blood rush in his ears. "Oh, good, Jon, I'm glad you're here. Have a seat." The chairs in Dick's office were big and plush, yet Jon couldn't allow himself to get comfortable. He sat nervously on the edge of the big burgundy chair and faced his manager.
"Look, Dick, I can explain..." Dick held up a hand to stop Jon's nervous ramble.
"Jonathan, we're all worried about you. I appreciate the fact that you need time to heal, but there's a limit to the grieving period. I'm concerned you're putting too much into this girl." Jon glanced up to meet Dick's eyes solemnly. This wasn't the speech he'd expected.
"I know I should be getting over her by now, and I think I've started. But every time I feel I'm finally moving on, someone or something reminds me of her and then I'm lost." Dick smiled sympathetically.
"I know that feeling. We all do at some point or another. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you an ultimatum though." Jon's heart sank. "Either you channel all these feelings into your music and move on, or I'm going to have to tell you to go back to her." Jon's head shot up.
"So in other words if I can't get over Kayley, I have to leave the group?" His eyes grew dark and sad.
"If that's how you want to put it, then yes. My theory is though, that if you're that unhappy without her, you can never truly be happy with the group. Unless you can talk her into accepting you, group and all." Jon finally leaned back in the chair, deep in thought.
Dick was right. If he couldn't put Kayley in his past, he would always resent the band for causing him to lose Kayley. If he left the group to be with her, he'd grow to hate Kayley for causing him his fame. The only possible way was to do like Dick said-put his feelings into the music, and try to get over her.
"When's the next tour?" Jon asked, finally answering. Dick smiled. He knew he'd be keeping all five band members.
"At the end of this month. We're going to start promoting Hangin' Tough now. Why?"
"Because I want to be as far away from Boston as I can for the next month or so."
"That can certainly be arranged. I called off rehearsal for the rest of the day, but I think your brother's waiting on you to get home." Jon knew that was Dick's subtle way of excusing him, and he stood to leave the room.
He made his way outside, and noticed the air was cool for a day in mid-April. He glanced towards the stairs and noticed Jordan sitting talking with Joe, who, Jon assumed, was waiting for one of his sisters. Jon smiled at the site. At first no one had been too thrilled with Joe's entrance in the group. The other four had grown up together and Joe had seemed like an intruder. But with his too cheerful personality, and his ever present smile, Joe had quickly won the place of the little brother to the group.
"Hey, you guys, you ready to go, J?" Both boys quit talking and hopped up to talk to Jon.
"Don't give us that, yet. What happened in there?" Jordan asked.
"Well, Dick basically told me to get my act together or get out. But in a much nicer way." Jordan and Joe looked worried, so Jon gave a supportive laugh.
"So what're you gonna do? You won't quit, will you?" Joe asked quietly.
"No, unfortunately for you, little Mac, I'm still here. He's right. I'm just hurting myself by letting this go on. All I need is some time away from her, and I'll be fine." Jon reached into his pocket for the car keys, and dashed down the steps.
"Come on, J, if you wanna get home. You need a ride, Joe?" Joe shook his head, which made the dark blond curls flop.
"Nope, either Carol or Tricia should be on their way. If not, I'm only a ten minute walk." Jon nodded, and he and Jordan said good-bye to Joe.
On the way home, Jordan began humming "I'll Be Loving You," but quickly stopped and glanced worriedly at Jon. Jon only smiled over at him, and began humming along. Jordan looked surprised, then said, "You know, Jon, someone once told me 'don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Jon grinned wistfully.
"Yeah, I've heard that, too. Obviously whoever said that was never in love with Kayley McCloud."
Part 5
Kayley leaned against her locker in frustration. This was supposed to be the greatest year of her life. She was a senior, she should be having the time of her life. Instead, she was grieving over a guy that was never really dead, only to her. Yet how could she keep going though when everything she did reminded her of him? She couldn't turn on the radio without hearing Joe, Jordan, or Donnie crooning at least once an hour. She couldn't watch TV for fear of seeing one of their new videos, or an interview. Magazines or newspapers? Out of the question. His gorgeous face almost always found it's way in there.
What was funny, and even ironic about the whole thing, was that she herself was a fan. One of their biggest fans. She recorded every interview. She owned all the pinups. She had the videos for Hangin' Tough, Please Don't Go Girl, and The Right Stuff on tape. Saddest of all, though, was that she still had all her old pictures of him. Could she help it that she found him to be gorgeous? She loved him, still, as she probably always would, and nothing she did would cure that. So why put away all the pictures? Why not support the man who'd given her the best times of her life, and the four guys who'd helped him do that? Not to mention she still thought Jordan was an amazing person, and the little one, Joe. They were all sweet, even Donnie, who was a rebel with a cause. They'd loved her and accepted her as part of the family...
"Shit." Kayley cursed softly. What had she done? Those guys had treated her like she and Jon were already married, which they'd seriously talked about. Sure, Jon was away a lot, but when he was, she was often able to travel out and see him, and after the shows, she was always his number one fan of importance. They could have made things work, but she'd been so jealous, so impatient... She had to talk to Jon. There was no other way.
Kayley racked her brain to think of when Tiger Beat had said they'd be back in town. As hard as she tried she was still unable to remember. Maybe she could get to his house and talk to Sharon, or Allison. They'd always supported her relationship with him.
At a rapid walk, Kayley began to leave the building, dashing hurriedly down the school steps and out to the fresh May air. She'd leave a note for him, telling him she was willing to make it work. They could do it!
Moments later, Kayley passed the park where the picnic had been held. She stopped and gazed at it lovingly. They'd had so many memories there, more than just the picnic. Kayley came to a dead stop, and closed her eyes in pain. She sat abruptly on the nearest bench.
Memories. That's all they were. Kayley glanced at her binder, which had a small, group picture taped on it. All five of them were there, smiling happily. Donnie, grinning wildly; Jordan, ever the ham; Joe, eyes sparkling with an arm around Danny; and Danny, with his arm wrapped around Joe's neck for a fake punch. Then there was Jon. His deep hazel eyes shined and a radiant smile lit his face. He stood back to back with Jordan in the picture, wearing a black shirt and white jeans. Kayley could honestly say he'd never looked better. He didn't exactly look like a guy who was suffering.
She couldn't attempt to take that away from him. As he'd told her, he loved that life. The singing, the dancing, the interaction with the crowd. Who knew? He may have even been enjoying constant attention from the fans; the female fans. She couldn't interrupt what he'd established. Jon loved it where he was. She was only a distant memory to him by that point. It had been over two months, after all.
Kayley stood to leave, running one finger over his paper face. She loved him. With every ounce of her heart and soul, she loved him. That was why she was letting him go. Her friend Vivian had offered to set Kayley up with her cousin, Mitch. She'd take Viv up on that offer, and make the best of it. Maybe someday she'd see Jon again, and they'd both be happy with what they'd accomplish. Then they could be friends and keep on in life. Until then, she knew she couldn't talk to him. She'd regret what she'd end up saying.
Part 6
"Go, go, come on, go!" Jon glanced up from his magazine to see Donnie playing the Nintendo and Joe cheering him on. Suddenly a cheer went up, and Jon smiled. Donnie must have hit a home run.
The faint strains of Jordan's keyboard came from the other side of the bus, and Jon looked up to see J playing while Danny and a couple of the bodyguards were dancing around. Even the driver was bouncing around to the catchy tune of one of those songs Jordan created on the spur of the moment. Jon couldn't help but laugh. This was home now. When the press got crazy; when recording was going badly; when the concerts seemed to last all night; that's when he treasured this time on the bus. Everyone finally relaxed and just became friends, not coworkers.
They knew it was time to record again. Hangin' Tough could only dominate the charts for so long, and it was nearing the end of it's rein. The guys were still uncertain about the next move, but they were pretty sure Maurice, the producer, knew. He'd called for the group to get together about it that day, and all the guys were more wound up than usual.
Maurice came bounding into the main area of the bus. Usually he didn't ride with them, but he was obviously excited about this new project.
"You guys, you're going to love your new album, I just know it!" Donnie tossed the controller to the side and he and Joe turned to face Maurice. Jordan turned off his keyboard, and everyone gave Maurice their attention. "If we get this recorded in time, this will be the most awesome move for you five. It will take work but we can do it!" All five guys exchanged puzzled looks, and Donnie shrugged his shoulders.
"OK, enough suspense already. Just tell!" Donnie said, and Jon shot him a warning glance.
"A Christmas album!" Maurice shouted happily. Joe and Donnie slapped high fives, and Jordan played a quick riff of Jingle Bells on the keyboard. Even Jon had to smile. Being raised in the church choir, Christmas music was his favorite.
"Wait a minute, when are we recording this? We're right in the middle of a tour." Danny asked. Jon was glad someone else had asked, because he wanted to know the same thing. As the oldest though, he was often thought to be the intellect of the group, and it was assumed that he never asked questions.
"Well, that's the downfall, I'm afraid. When we stop, we're using recording studios in town. Basically, we're just throwing this together." Jon was kind of surprised at that, but it didn't seem to matter. They were, after all, doing a Christmas album, something some groups only dreamed of.
"What's the play list, so far?" Jordan asked. Jon knew he was hoping to do some of the traditionals.
"I've written a few fun, upbeat ones, and a couple of ballad like ones, including a really sweet one I'm picturing Joe on. Then I want to do a couple of more traditional ones. We'll take it from there, I believe. Oh, and Donnie? There's one I've got that's very reggae. You interested?" Donnie just gave a huge grin and nodded comically. They all knew the answer to that.
"That would be so hype!" he said, and the other guys grinned.
Life quickly got back to normal on the bus. Donnie and Joe returned to their game, Jordan began plunking out a new song on his keyboard. Danny pulled out some of his small weights and began doing a few reps. Jon smiled at the scene, and switched his magazine for a novel.
He hadn't gotten far, when Maurice sat down beside him on the sofa. Jon glanced up, then set his book over to the side.
"Jonathan, can I talk to you for a moment?" The producer asked.
"Yeah, sure, what's up?"
"It's about the new album. You've got a great voice, and I'd love to see you using it more. Could you do a solo part on the Christmas album?" Jon started for a moment, but quickly recovered.
"Well, I'd love to. I mean, Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I love some of the music. What did you have in mind?"
"Something traditional; something everyone knows. How does White Christmas sound? I've already talked to Danny about Little Drummer Boy and I think the two would add a good contrast to what's already on the album." Jon grinned.
"Absolutely, that's one of my favorites. I can't wait." Maurice smiled and touched Jon's shoulder.
"Neither can I. This should be fun to put together." With that, he stood and walked back to the front of the bus, where some of the bodyguards were sitting and talking.
Jon leaned against the seat and sighed. Of course he loved that song. He and Kayley used to sing it for their friends and family. His brain went into another flashback mode. Dammit, it had been so long since he'd thought of her. He should have known the holidays would do this. Worst of all, he still had months to go before Christmas. It would be his first Christmas without her in 4 years. Even before they'd even started going out, their families had spent the holidays together through church activities.
He admitted it now only to himself. He still missed her. She was beautiful, still. He'd seen the school pictures from friends. She was also talented, sweet, and funny. Yet when he was around family, or the other guys, he knew he couldn't say a word. As far as they knew, Kayley was long gone from his life.
Part 7
Kayley reached as high as she could, struggling to get ornaments on the Christmas tree. It had been a long year, and as much as she usually loved Christmas, she'd be glad to see this one go. Not that she didn't still love the holidays. They just somehow didn't feel right without Jon. Christmas had always been "their time."
"Kay, could you pass me the tinsel?" Kayley glanced down to see her young niece, Carina, desperately reaching for the box that sat on a top shelf. Kayley grinned and handed the box down to the five year-old girl.
"Here you go. Spread it out this time, though. Don't throw it on in one big clump." They continued decorating the tall tree with the smell of gingerbread and cocoa drifting from the kitchen. The radio was on, as with Kayley it always was. That was her favorite part of Christmas after all, was the music. She loved it all; the classics, the new songs, and even the funny parodies of originals.
"Here it is, ladies and gents, a beautiful new ballad dedicated to the true meaning of Christmas. From your favorite group, and mine, here's the New Kids on the Block with This One's For the Children." the announcer over the radio sent Kayley into shock. A Christmas song? Did that mean there was a Christmas album? As she listened to the song, though, she could tell the song could fit for any time. Maybe it was just off of their next album. Kayley sat on the sofa and listened to Jordan's voice, as she had many times before. Sometimes it was easy to remember that he could have been her brother-in-law, but usually she just tried to look at him as a very talented musician. There was Donnie, singing his part, and she could make out Joe, too. But as always, Jon blended with the group.
Later, when Kayley was picking up some things at the store, she wound up in the music department. Well, she'd made it that far...so she kept looking. Like a moth drawn to the flame, Kayley made her way up the aisle to the best sellers, then over to the N's. There they were. All five of them, posed comedically on a sled. There was Jon, his smile brighter than ever. Once again, Kayley knew she'd made the right decision.
Turning the tape over, she read the titles. A soft smile crossed her face. I Still Believe in Santa Clause? Funky, Funky, Xmas? Then her eyes ran across the words White Christmas. A slight moisture developed in her eyes; one that was all too familiar by now. Their Christmas song. It wasn't fair that now it was being shared with the world. Still, somehow the tape went from the rack back into her hand, and then into the cart. She couldn't do it. She couldn't walk past a tape with her former best friends and boyfriend sitting there, and not buy it. Nostalgia or not, Kayley had to hurry. She had a date with Mitch. She'd listen to the tape in the car, and hope Mitch didn't realize who it was...
Part 8
*1994*
He didn't know why it started...how, or even when...but he was starting to hate the group. Not so much the guys in the group, although even his own brother was wearing on his nerves; but being in the group. He still loved the performing-singing and dancing was what he was born to do. But he didn't have Jordan's looks, Joe's voice, Donnie's attitude, or even Danny's determination. He was just...Jon.
Sure, in some people's eyes that was important. He knew there were several girls out there who found him extremely attractive. There were those who wrote to him saying he had the most beautiful voice. There were even a few who had proposed marriage, just so they could bare his children. Somehow it didn't matter. He had everything anyone could ask for; money, a career, and hordes of fans. But something was missing. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but his life still felt empty.
His mother was getting angry. Granted, he couldn't say he blamed her. He was twenty-five and single, with no apparent plans for settling down in the near future. She wanted him to have a family, and according to her, at the rate he was going it would soon be too late. But even after the millions of girls he'd seen in the last few years, none of them had clicked. None had had that special feeling. None, that is, except Kayley.
It had been almost 4 years since she left, and he thought about her at least once a week. If not in depth, then simply in passing. Either way, she never truly left his mind. He'd seen her once. He, Jordan, and Joe had been eating at a diner downtown. She'd been across the street, at ABC Toys, a place every native Bostonian knew and loved. He figured she was shopping for her niece Carina, her pride and joy. Jordan and Joe hadn't noticed her...that was for the better. They may have actually gone and said something. Instead Jon just watched her. She'd only grown my beautiful with age. Her long dark blond hair was wavier, and framed her face. Her smile was still dazzling, and those eyes...even from across the street he could see those bright sapphires. That was a little over a year ago, right before the group had taken their break. He hadn't seen her since, and he regretted it terribly.
Jon knew what he had to do. He was leaving the group. They'd all decided this was their last tour anyway. It wasn't like he had any major parts, either. Who'd miss him? OK, a few fans maybe. Once the group split up, though, they'd miss him anyway. What would one or two months hurt? Sure, it would be hard. He meant what he'd said to Kayley from the beginning. He loved performing, and singing was his life. But he needed time for him! He wanted to be with his horses that he'd bought the previous summer. He wanted to make his mother happy and settle down. It wouldn't be easy, Jon had to admit that much to himself. There could never be another Kayley. Still, he'd get on.
It wouldn't hurt him to drop by and make a visit to Kayley either. With any luck at all she wouldn't slam the door in his face. Maybe, just maybe, he'd be even luckier and she wasn't married, or even seeing anyone. Well, one never knew until they tried.
It was decided. Jon, as far as he was concerned, was no longer a member of the New Kids on the Block, or NKOTB, whatever they were calling themselves these days. He still had to tell the other guys, though, and that would be rough. Especially with Jordan. Jon's younger brother would never understand how he could pick settling down over the career of a lifetime. That was easy for Jordan to say, though. Jordan's girlfriend accepted the fame and popularity that went along with the life of a pop singer. Kayley never had, and neither had any of the other girls Jon had found even somewhat interesting. He'd settle down with a family, get a steady job, perhaps one in an office somewhere. Maybe now he could even move permanently to Florida where he'd spent last summer. He'd fallen in love with the area. Even Jordan and Joe had liked the land he'd found to keep his horses. His friends could come and visit!
Maybe his friends would hate him for it, but Jon's mind was made up. He was no longer a New Kid. He was Jonathan Rashleigh Knight, a guy with his own goals and his own personality.
Kayley sighed in frustration. Try as she might, she couldn't get Joey to sleep. Every time she'd lay him down for a nap, he'd start crying for his blanket, a snack, juice, or just some hugs. How was she supposed to tell that sweet little face "no"? An idea came to her. An old reliable idea, which she was surprised hadn't hit her before.
Setting the toddler down in his crib, Kayley reached for the tape player she kept in his room. She flipped through her tapes, before settling on an old one from long ago. Pushing play, she picked Joey up, and sat in the rocking chair by his crib. She gently rocked the baby back and forth as her voice at 16 and Jon's at 18 began singing old love ballads.
She smiled softly. She hadn't seen this tape in years, but when she was cleaning out her attic when she moved away from home and there it had been. They'd blended really well together back then, and the songs had turned into beautiful music. The gentle strains sent Joey into a deep sleep.
Kayley smiled down at her son. As much as she'd wanted to, she couldn't bring herself to name the baby Jonathan. So Joseph Alexander it was. She'd always though of Joe as a little brother as it was; not that he needed anymore big sisters! Besides, with his big blue eyes, the baby almost reminded her of Joe.
She knew she'd made some mistakes. But she loved Joey with all her heart. He was her fresh start in life, a chance to be someone new. Joey didn't care who or what had been in her past. He loved her because she was "Mama."
Kayley heard a knock on the door from downstairs. Sighing softly, she tucked Joey back into bed, and jogged down the steps.
"Coming!" she called, as she walked through the dining room to the front door. She quickly undid the lock on the door and peeked out, and gasped in surprise. There, in front of her, for the first time in almost 4 years, stood Jonathan Knight.
Part 10
"Jonathan."she gasped. Kayley's mouth opened and closed several times, and her eyes grew wide.
Jonathan could see the shock on her face, but there was shock on his face as well. She'd changed since he'd seen her that December. Her honey colored hair that at one time had hung down to her waist was now just above her shoulders and cut in face framing layers. Her eyes didn't sparkle quite the way they used to, and neither did her smile. He knew the cause of the dullness in Kayley's eyes. Yet somehow, she still had the same warming effect on his heart.
"It's good to see you, too, Kayla." he teased. The bright blue eyes lit up, and her creamy complexion turned a pale shade of pink.
"Oh, I'm sorry, really I am. It's just, well, I wasn't expecting to see you...ever." Jon noticed a slight pull in her voice. He gave her a gentle smile.
"Well, I'm a man of many surprises."
"Yeah, I'll always have to give you that. Come in, sit down." She said, opening the door wider. Jon stepped inside, and took in his surroundings. The house was fairly small, but tastefully decorated. From the front foyer, one had a good view of the downstairs area. The dining room consisted of a small but clean table and six chairs, all done in a maple furnish. The kitchen was done in a sunflower design, and a bouquet of fresh sunflowers even decorated the kitchen table.
Kayley led him into the living room, which contained a hunter green, leather sofa and a matching love seat, plus two chairs in a matching color, but softer fabric. She motioned for him to sit, and he took a place at the end of the couch. Kayley sat on the other end and tucked her leg under her to face him.
"So, what brings you here after all these years?" she asked casually, tucking a few strands of blond hair behind her ear.
"You said that if I ever decided show business wasn't the life for me to look you up. Well, you were right. That's not my life, and here I am. I'm moving soon and I wanted to see you before I left." Kayley's eyes widened, then darkened.
"You're leaving the group?" she asked softly?
"Yeah. We're breaking up soon, anyway, and I couldn't take the pressure anymore. Not only that, but...well, I've missed you. I had to see you; I had to see how you were doing." He sighed as he finished his confession. Kayley drew in a long, deep breath.
"Jon, I've changed a lot since I left." she admitted. He smiled softly. He knew. He'd called his sister the night before to see what she thought, and she'd told him. He loved her anyway. Now that he was there, sitting in front of her, her beautiful face marred by her past, he knew he'd done the right thing. Even if there was someone else.
"I know that, Kayla. Alison told me."
"You know, you can still call me Kayley. Even four years can't change that. Wait-you mean you know?" It hit her slowly but surely. Jon knew. He knew, and he was here anyway.
"Yeah, I do." Kayley's mind wandered, as she realized maybe there was still a chance. The room was silent for a moment, then Jon decided to be brave and plunge right in.
"So, is your husband at work?" he asked. Kayley's eyes shot up to meet his in surprise.
"Oh. I thought you knew that, too. There is no husband. I'm not married." Jon fought the look of surprise from his face.
"Fiance, boyfriend?"
"No. I'm single."
"But the baby's father...?" Jon's voice trailed off.
"Left not long after I told him. He didn't want children. I refused to give the baby up, so he left. I'm raising him alone with some help from my house mate." Jon smacked himself in the forehead.
"Hey, Knight, how do you like the taste of that foot?" he kidded himself, blushing furiously. Kayley giggled.
"It's not your fault; you didn't know. Most people don't realize it at first." She was about to go on, when she caught the all to familiar look of realization dawning on Jon's face.
"Kayley, you're single. I was terrified you wouldn't be, but you are. Kayla Alexis McCloud, let's try it again. Please?" A slow, easy smile slipped on Kayley's face.
"You don't have to flatter me with song lyrics. But I don't think you really understand what that would involve. I'm a mother now, Jon. I have a son. Life's not perfect and happy the way it was in high school. There are nightmares to deal with, diapers to change, teething, walking, and potty training's yet to come. You made a sacrifice by letting me go for your job. I have to make that same sort of sacrifice for my son." She thought that would send him over the edge, and he'd just walk out of her life the way she had to him years before. Instead he turned to look at the photograph of the two of them sitting on the coffee table. She hadn't been able to throw it away, but she couldn't keep it too close-by.
"Kayley, do you believe in love at first sight?" he asked, softly. The question took her back for a moment.
"Of course, why?"
"That's what I felt when I first saw you. You were only thirteen, but you were still so beautiful. You know I've always been shy, and I could tell you had a crush on Jordan, so I never said anything. Still, I haven't felt like that since. I've met millions of girls over the years, and none of them did to me what you did." His words took a moment to sink in, and in her pain of the moment, she stood and walked over to the window. He recognized the scene, but this time he wasn't going to let her go. Jon stood and walked behind her, enclosing her in his arms. "Kayley, I've never stopped loving you. I can't take back the last four years. I can't take back the pain you've been through, the fame I found, or the men who came after me. But I can do this right." He turned her to face him. "Can I see the baby?" Kayley smiled, and nodded. Taking his hand, she led him up the stairs to the nursery.
The room was done in a darling shade of mint green, and had a clown theme. The furniture was all white. The walls were painted in the green, and there was a light green comforter with a teddy bear clown on it. Kayley stood at the door, and motioned with her head towards the crib. Jon stepped over quietly, then gazed into the crib. There lay the sweetest-looking, most beautiful little boy he'd ever seen. A mop of dark brown curls adorned his head. At first Jon couldn't see his eyes, because he was asleep. In a moment, though, the baby stretched and opened his eyes for a second, then fell back asleep. From what Jon could tell, they were a startling shade of blue that were so similar to Kayley's it scared him. That was when he first truly realized that this little boy belonged to Kayley, and this was the child that should have been his.
He turned to look at her to see that she was staring back at him expectantly.
"Well, Jon? Now do you understand? Now do you see why I wouldn't want to tie you down to life as a parent?" she asked fervently. He took one last glance at the baby then led her out of the room, shutting the door behind him with only a crack open.
"No, Kay, I don't. He's absolutely beautiful. Maybe he is another man's son, and not mine, but he's yours, too. To me, that makes him perfect. His real father may have left him, but I couldn't. Kayla, I repeat, I love you, and I always have. I'm willing to be a Daddy. If it means getting to be the father of a child you love that much, then I'm all for it." Kayley hadn't expected that answer. They headed back into the living room, and she thought quietly.
"Jon, do you mean that? He's not your son, I know. And as much as I'd love to, I can't go back and do those four years over."
"Kayley, he's beautiful. More importantly, though, YOU'RE beautiful. You're the one I want to be with. Am I asking so much?" Kayley grinned. Jon stepped over across to the hallway, where a collage of the baby's pictures hung.
"No, I guess not." She followed him to the hallway, and smiled up at her son.
"What's his name?" Jon asked, softly. Part of him already loved this baby as if he were his own. He couldn't understand it, but there was just this bond there.
"Joey." Kayley answered. Jon glanced down at her in surprise. "I know, it's odd. But Joe was always such a sweetie to me, and I just couldn't bring myself to name him what I wanted to." One look into her eyes and Jon didn't have to ask. He knew.
Slowly, he turned to face Kayley. Without a word, Jon leaned down and met his lips to hers. As he pulled back, the look of surprise on Kayley's face made him chuckle.
"Wow." she whispered. "It's been so long."
"I know. But it still felt right, didn't it." Wordlessly she nodded, then leaned in to kiss him. Their kisses began to increase in pressure, and soon Jon felt like they'd never lost those four years. Then suddenly, Joey began whimpering from upstairs. Kayley broke the kiss and turned to run up to his room.
"Kayley, marry me." Jon said simply, stopping Kayley in her tracks. She turned to face him and gazed down at him from the top of the staircase.
"What?"
"Marry me. Maybe we can't make up those years, but Kayley, that kiss really rocked me. I want to always be in your life. I want to be a father figure to that child; to be that someone he can look up too. More than anything, though, I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Kayley hesitated, then turned and walked the rest of the way up the stairs.
Jon felt defeated. Here he'd poured his heart out to her, opened up again, and she turned and left him with no answer? How unfair could she be to him? He sighed and leaned against the wall.
Moments later, Kayley reappeared at the foot of the stairs, carrying the small child, who grinned up at him. Jon's eyes became large question marks, and Kayley smiled.
"I wanted you to meet your stepson more formally."
*1996*
Part 11
It had been almost a year since Jon and Kayley's marriage. All of the guys had been ushers at the wedding along with Jon's other brother Chris; Jordan was best man. Kayley's house mate and best friend Carrie Anne was the maid of honor. Jon's sisters Sharon and Alison were also bridesmaids, as were Kayley's friends from high school, Nicole and Jen.
It was late in February, and all of the guys were visiting Jon and Kayley in their Florida home. Across the room friends were sprawled; Donnie had flopped on the couch, his fiancee Suzi next to him. Jordan and Evelyn were on the floor, flipping through magazines. Danny and his wife were in a pair of matching chairs. Joe on, the other hand, was in the backyard playing with Joey who had turned four, and Danny Jr. His girlfriend, Mary, was standing at the screen door watching them.
Then there was Jon and Kayley. The happy couple was seated on the love seat. In Kayley's arms lay a tiny bundle wrapped in a soft, pale lavender blanket. Jordyn Diana Knight had been born two weeks ago, on the fourteenth of February, and all of Jon's friends had gathered to meet the new baby.
"She's beautiful." Evelyn whispered, coming over to gaze down at the baby. Kayley grinned up at her.
"Yeah, she is. She reminds me a lot of her daddy." she said, glancing over at Jon. Jon's cheeks turned red, but fatherly pride glowed all over his face.
"She's right, though, Jon. Jordy's got your eyes, and her hair's darker, too." Danny said.
"Oh, I'm not denying it. I will say, though, that she's three times more beautiful than I could ever be. I'm just glad she didn't get my nose!" The room laughed, and Kayley leaned over to kiss Jon's cheek. Jordan, who was seated next to the sofa, glanced up almost shyly.
"Can I hold her?" he asked. Jon grinned down at his brother.
"Of course! She's your niece, you know. Not to mention you're her namesake." The room laughed, then quieted to an awed hush at the sight of Jordan holding his newborn niece.
"Well, speaking of namesakes, someone needs to save Joe from Joey and DJ" Mary said, taking a peek out the window as Joe was clobbered in a game of tag.
"Just imagine him with your kids, and it'll be easier to watch him being beat up. That's what I'm doing!" Suzi said, and Donnie stared at her with such an expression of puzzlement, the whole room had to laugh.
"Oh, wow, she just fell asleep in my arms!" Jordan whispered. Evelyn's face melted.
"I'll take her up to her room then." Kayley said, speaking of the lavendar colored nursery next to her and Jon's room. Joey had a slightly larger room further down the hall, along with the two guest rooms.
"Can I do it?" Jordan asked, the puppy-dog look crossing his face. Kayley couldn't help laughing.
"Only if you'll sing to her." she bargained. He nodded his agreement with a grin, then carried Jordyn upstairs.
"That was the greatest thing you could do for him, naming the baby Jordyn with a y. He hasn't come down from Cloud 9 since you called to say Kayley had the baby!" Evelyn said, and Mary nodded.
"Yeah, there must be something about having a baby named after you that does things to a guy. When you told Joe that Kayley named her first son after him, he was ecstatic."
"Daddy, Daddy, we need to have Joe come over more!" shouted Joey as he dashed inside. DJ was right behind him, and Joe came in more slowly, tired, and red-faced. Jon laughed, and pulled his son into his lap. Two months after he and Kayley had married, Jon legally adopted Joey as his, and he was the only father Joey had ever known.
"I'm sure he'd love to. Wouldn't you, Joe?" Jon asked with a laugh, as Joe collapsed on the floor.
"Absolutely! Hey you guys, I inducted both of them." The women looked puzzled, but the four men just laughed. Joe meant he had taught the two boys the secret handshake of the Five Bad Brothers, which they had created on a tour a number of years ago.
Kayley glanced around. It seemed almost impossible. That after all those years, she and Jon had still ended up the perfect couple, with two beautiful children and a group of terrific friends, was an amazing feat. She hadn't thought it possible. She'd all but given up on ever truly being happy, but here she was. She had Jon, and he loved her. He loved her son, and took him as his own. Now they had a beautiful daughter together, too. She knew it was a miracle. A miracle that proved that true love never dies.
"I'll be loving you forever. Or just as long
as you want me to be. I'll be loving you
forever. All this love's for you and me."