HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle it's head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, 'That's a nice kitty.' Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in (1), but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat).
5. Again proceed as in (1), except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle- feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position (1), say sternly, 'Who's the boss here, anyway?' Open the cats mouth, take the pill and ... Oooops!
7. This isn't working, is it. Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
8. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
9. Spread cat on towel near one end with it's head over long edge.
10. Flatten cat's front and back legs over it's stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
11. Roll cat in towel. Work fast. Time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.
12. Resume position (1). Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press it's mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
13. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
14. Vacuum loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
15. Take two aspirins and lie down.

HELP WANTED

A local business, looking for office help, put a sign in the window that read: 'HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.' A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, 'I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type. The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog: The sign says you have to be good with a computer. The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. He looked at the dog and said, 'I realize you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job. The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, 'Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual. The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, 'Meow.'

A BIRD JOKE

Miss Collins, a school teacher, asked her class a simple question, 'If there are 3 pigeons on a wire, and someone shoots one of them, how many are left on the wire?'
Billy, her too-clever student, is the only one waving his hand, anxious to answer the question ... so he got to answer, 'There would be none left, Miss Collins, the other pigeons would fly away.'
'I'm sorry, Billy, that's not correct, but I like the way you think.'
'Well, let me ask you a question, Miss Collins,' said Billy. There are 3 woman on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, and the other is sucking her cone, and the other is biting her cone. Which woman is the married woman?'
'The one that sucked her cone.' replied Miss Collins.
'Actually,' said Billy, 'it's the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think!'

A FARM JOKE

A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm. He asked for and was given a tour. As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk. The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. 'Sam,' he shouted, 'Those animals are talking! If that little sheep says anything about me, it's a damn lie!'

A PARROT JOKE

A bishop in a small Midwestern town bought two parrots and taught them to say the rosary. He even had two sets of tiny rosary beads made for them. After months of exhaustive training, the parrots were able to recite the rosary and use the beads at the same time. The bishop was so pleased that he decided to teach another parrot the rosary. He went to the pet store and bought a female parrot, which he bought home and put into the cage with the other two. As he did this, one parrot turned to the other and said, 'Throw away your beads, George -- our prayers have been answered!'

A CHICKEN JOKE

A guy had heard that a certain whorehouse in New York City, had an unusual reputation for the bizarre. So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the madam if she had anything unusual for him to try.
'Things are pretty slow today,' she said, 'But I do have one number you might enjoy.' She went on to describe a hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. 'We've got her here, but only for the day.'
The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went into a room with the hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his cock into the hen's mouth, he figured that he was dealing with nothing but a plain old chicken. He left.
Thinking about it later, he decided that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the next day and asked the madam, 'Do you have anything new today?'
'Come this way.' she said, and led him into a dark room where a group of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching a girl trying to make it with a dog.
'Wow!' he said to the man standing next to him, 'This is really great!' The man replied, 'Man, this ain't nothin'! You should have been here yesterday and seen the guy with the chicken!'

A DUCK JOKE

Three ducks go to court.
The first duck goes before the judge. The judge asks the duck his name.
The duck answers: my name is Duck. Judge says ok what are you here for?
Duck answers "for blowing bubbles in the pond"
The judge says ok that's a fifty dollar fine pay the clerk on the way out.
The next duck goes before the judge. The judge asks the duck his name.
The duck answers: my name is Duck Duck. Judge says ok what are you here for?
Duck answers "for blowing bubbles in the pond"
The judge says ok that's a fifty dollar fine pay the clerk on the way out.
The third duck goes before the judge.
The judge says "wait, let me guess, your name must be Duck Duck Duck"
The third ducks says "no, my name is Bubbles!"

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